Sudden Death of my Wife at the end of January

I guess its best to start with what happened, and how I am responsible.

I am 48 Male and had been with my Wife for over 20 years (she was always the one to keep track of Dates). She became sick shortly after we got Married. I had two Choices, continue to Work and HOPE someone else will step in to help her as I provide, or I make sure she is taken care of.

At first I tried both, but no matter how many times a Job would say they understood, that quickly changed once they realized I was not exaggerating. Luckily my Mother was willing to help as I eventually had to become her Full Time Caregiver.

As time went on it took a toll on my body as well. A particular 2 Week stay in the Hospital aggravated an unknown issue with my Hip that years later at only the age of around 35 I had to get a Complete Right Hip Replacement. Still her care always came first.

I will now skip ahead to the events that lead to that night.

In January our Household (My Younger Brother, Mother, my Wife and Myself) all got sick with what we now believe was Covid. On the Friday before her passing I had a sense she was not doing well. She has always had Lung Issues since she was a Child and would often get Pneumonia, even as an Adult. She would start getting Pneumonia Shots and had been some time, but I am still careful, but I was also sick at the time and not thinking right.

We had Groceries to get that day and I asked if I could take her to the Doctor as I could here it in her Chest, but she wanted to wait till Monday to see if she got any better, I relented. I told her I could go get the Groceries and put them away myself, she said she wanted to get out, I relented.

She did fine until we got to our Cupboard in the Garage where she started to lose her Balance. I made her go inside and finished myself. At this point I had a Dread that was growing, SCREAMING at me. As she napped the wheezing in her Chest was load enough to be heard over the Portable Oxygen Machine (My Mother is also Disabled, along with my Brother and Wife, and is on Oxygen). I should have listened to that Fear, even if she would have disagreed with me.

We took Meds at our normal time and went to Bed. We both woke up around Midnight and took more Meds. On top of the Cold Meds she also takes Pain Meds, so when she needed to go to the Bathroom, but was Loopy I didnt think much of it. We are in the Master Bedroom with a Bathroom and I have a clear view from my Computer.

The first thing I noticed that seemed very off was she was Wiping, but I didnt hear her go. I asked if she did and noticed she still had her Underwear on and was "Wiping" around it. I went in to check on her and as she got up she lost her balance so I had her sit back down and went to get a Walker. I then came back and tried to guide her back to Bed, but she stumbled back into the wall and slid down. She may have hit her Hip on the Tub, but I saw no signs of hitting her head.

I then rushed out and called 911. After about maybe 5 Minutes I got off the line and returned to her. She was now slumped forward. I though that maybe due to the Meds she fell asleep and tried to wake her. I push her back up and could tell she was likely gone.

I then sat on the Bed (pretty sure I was in shock) and waited. The ENT's arried and after looking her over asked me to step out into the Kitchen. After a few Minutes they came out and asked if she had a DNR. The hardest words I ever spoke was "Yes".

And just that quickly my Wife was gone, and its my fault. I had at lest 4 Opportunities that likely would have saved her life, but I chose to ignore my Instincts. We both had talked about how if one of us was to go, the other would join them. Honestly I am only still here because my Mom and Brother still need me.

I cannot imagine having to be around without her for DECADES. She was everything to me. God I miss her so much.

To anyone that read this, thank you. I dont know if any of this will help, but its feels a bit better to Post it.

 

First, blaming yourself is a non starter. You did everything you thought you should do and that is the stepping stone to having a life and a future. It may take a while but you must do all you can to relieve the guilt. In the midst if it, I always found writing down my feelings helped. You should give it a try. Self-pity will be non productive. Absolutely join a support group if you like to share and brainstorm for others. I wish you relief from your pain. And never forget that grief is a permanent part of who you are now. It won’t weigh you down forever, but it will forever be with you

 

Next Month is her Birthday/our Anniversary and everything is ramping up. The Loneliness, Depression, and especially the Anxiety. How am I expected to just "Keep Moving Forward" when she was my everything. It almost impossible to talk about this with anyone as they just dont understand. Almost everyone gives empty platitudes like 'she would want you to keep going', which just shows how little they knew her/us. I fail to see a future without her.

 

I'm not any better than you. I absolutely hate this!! I have no idea how to live without Tim. This month is hard because it was my birthday on the 7th, which we were already talking about before he died. And our anniversary is this Friday. I just don't know how to do life without him. I really wish I could be encouraging to you. But.....

 

Trust me I get it. Honestly it just helps to know someone understands.

 

I was just going to say that I actually felt a little better just hearing from you. And say from everything I've read it will get easier. We'll never "get over" it, but will be softer. I can't wait for that!

 

Would it be easier to email?