Good Morning Everyone: My name is Johnny and I lost my wife of 22 years on November 21, 2025 after a brave battle over several years with heart failure. I am new here, and actually wanted to start posting here as a means to give my exhausted small circle of support a break from my numerous texts that I send when I cannot do anything but cry and the lonely house starts to cave in on me or the TV shows become touchstones of a life me and Shalane spent together laughing at or making comments about together. I look to my left to talk to a chair that will now be forever empty of Shalane's presence, and then I look inward at a caregiver who should have done more to save her, and the guilt just boils up from deep inside and I do not have the skills to navigate it. I try to do things to keep busy and promote Shalane's memory like bringing her degree that she was so proud of into the living room and putting it on the living room wall along with her graduation pictures, I am planning on bringing her Patrick Nagel prints in there too that we archived and said we would hang "someday". But, in between the busy-ness , it all comes down to the fact that my wife will never talk to me again or laugh at my dumb comments or tell me to be careful at work or text me during the day to ask e when I am coming home or text me the latest news she heard or text a video of the Savannah Bananas dancing to try to cheer me up or eat dinner with me or argue sometimes with me about dumb things neither of us cared about and always laughed about later. The home is now a house in a trust for the kids to decide on later, there is no heartbeat in the house any longer, it is me crying and playing with our cat that is also grieving. The Emptiness will not go away. The therapist Isee every Monday says I am going through normal progression (I call it regression) and she does not seem to worry too much about me. The family doctor (who was also Shalane's family Dr.) tells me that Shalane was struggling and was tired and that's I should not feel guilty for my efforts and that I was doing a good job and that she could SEE how much I loved Shalane and how much Shalane loved me. In the weeks leading up to Shalane's death I could see she was getting sicker, and I would ask often for Shalane to let me take her to the ER where we could get some better help, but Shalane hated the hospital and told me she was feeling better after stopping taking a supplement and "to give it awhile". Then she started to not be able to walk well, and she would not eat. I told Shalane I thought her TAVR aortic replacement valve was not functioning well as when I looked up the symptoms she was showing most of them. She still refused to go. Then one afternoon she really started not being well, so I called the ambulance, I told her she had to go. It was too late by then, her kidneys had failed and despite all sorts of dialysis and vasopressors and everything the hospital could do over three days, Shalane drifted away and was gone. I stopped the code blue protocol 10 minutes in because I knew even if she was revived she would not live well and would most likely be intubated and on life support. I am wracked with guilt over everything. Why did I not call the ambulance sooner even though she begged me not too? Why did I stop the code blue protocols so soon? Why am I still alive and she is gone? I hate the way this all happened, and despite what everyone is telling me it is eating me alive and I do not know how I am going to navigate any of this. Group therapy starts next month, maybe I can find peace through sharing that way. In the meantime I will try writing and reading your threads here and maybe we can help each other. May Shalane's Memory Be A Blessing.
Dear Johny! I remember you from other forum and I want to reply to your post, because the loneliness and emptiness is getting unbearable and I do understand what you feel. Today I can’t stop crying and I feel dead inside. I should be with my most beloved husband, not here. I talk to him always and I believe that he can feel my suffering and struggling to survive and defend everything that is mine. Many people promised me help and now when I need them the most, they don’t have time. If I would have known… However people are only people, so it doesn’t work the way it supposed to be… If I wouldn’t have my faith, I don’t want to live anymore… It’s a nightmare!
Johnny and Janka: I have read your words and feel your emotion that cries out. I am seven years in myself after the loss of my wife to cancer and am still overwhelmed by her loss. Your words "loneliness", "emptiness", and "dead inside" describe my life as well. I just exist and try to get through each day groping for whatever meaningless tasks I can find to pass the time until tomorrow, which will be just like today. I can say that communicating with you and so many others over the years does help dent the pain. I realize that I am not the only one rowing against the tide in that same leaky rowboat. On a more positive note, you are taking the right steps in seeking group therapy (I attended Griefshare) and relying on faith. I know that I will reunite with Janet when my time comes, and knowing that keeps me going. I don't see how anyone could continue on if they didn't believe a reunion awaited them. I know that your loss is unbearable and I won't offer platitudes to the contrary, but I do pray that brighter days lie ahead for all of us struggling with our grief. Jeff
I woke up again from heavy dreams and anxiety squeezes my chest so much that I must immediately get up. I'd love to open my eyes, be in my most beloved husband's arms, make him alive, healthy and happy. It's not fair what happened to him. He should be here with me as we've always been... Waking up all alone like this is just too cruel... There is no way to escape from my suffering, this miserable condition, no family to talk to about what I must have been going through, no place where I could avoid this loneliness, emptiness and pain... only my prayers, my garden and few friends here in a foreign country who never knew me the way I used to be... So I write again to at least share all of this and find a little bit of relief, comfort and support that I desperately need to survive this nightmare...
Wow everything you are saying just hit me so hard. I am not even 2 weeks in, and the loneliness, hearing about the tv shows. It was something that we did together and like you said commented on together. The days are hard to fill. I also feel the emptiness of the house.
Dear Johnny, I think what I find hard about writing under these circumstances is that I'm not fond of standard issue responses, as well-meaning as they can be. The fact is, we're all making very individual journeys alone and it's a complete and utter bummer. But maybe it helps a LITTLE to know that some of us -- myself included -- are journeying beside you and tenderly holding your had. You clearly loved Sharlene to the complete and total max and I feel that even through the keyboard. I lost David, my husband of 30 years on December 5 so our situations are maybe a little parallel. Loved him to the complete and total max and the grief has intensified these last few days. Not fair that it does that, but I gather fluctuation is the norm. Anyway, I wish I had some wisdom to soothe you, but please at least know that your pain is real to me if not as real as it is to you, dear soul. May there be a comfort or two in your evening. Fleur (de Luce)
Thank you for taking time to reach out. It has been just over seven months since Shalane passed away now, and after 16 weeks of intense group therapy and months of one on one therapy, I can honestly say I am doing ok and living life again as best I can. I’m traveling and seeing concerts which is something I have not been able to do in over 20 years as a caregiver for Shalane. I would rather she be here to do this with, but her death taught me that life is very fragile and too short, and future plans may not come to fruition, so if there’s something I want to see or do, I probably should be seeing and doing it now. It was a ton of hard work to get here, not just therapy but guided Journals and talking a lot to people who got tired of me talking and also the audacity to say yes to living on with the grief. I have those waves too, as a matter of fact this weekend has been very lonely and I have cried a lot. But I know these waves come so there’s no surprises now, I swim through and get more defiant to live life. This is so hard to go through, no day is easy. I am just glad I had support and can live on, I am hopeful this is your story, too. Thanks again for reaching out, let me know if there’s anything I can do to help as well!
JTAsher: Just joined this site yesterday and still learning how to navigate. I read your information about Shalane, and the seven months plus since her passing. I agree with your assessment that life is very fragile, and your courage to see and do now, rather than later, which may not happen. I lost my wife Patti, after 30 years of marriage, just about two months ago--very recently. She died in the ICU at a local hospital here in Phoenix, after a very painful cellulitis leg condition that became out of control after several months of outpatient treatment. Hospice helped me make the decision to disconnect life support. JT, I certainly can relate to the grief that you have encountered. The waves of grief hit me, too, where sometimes, and especially when my mind is occupied, it is pretty normal, and other times, when the tears just start to flow. The operative word is "surreal." The mind just does not want to fully accept that Patti is gone and will never return to this earth. And I did not even have the chance to say goodbye to her because she was hospital and nursing home bedridden and usually not even aware of what was going on around her. I also am getting some private therapy, and this forum is excellent and very helpful to read about similar stories about loosing a loved one, and the various ways in which mourners cope. And, like you expressed, know that the waves of grief are perfectly normal and will pass. One of the many difficulties with the passing of Patti is the hard time adjusting to the emptiness encountered with her persistent absence. Some widowers want to mourn and avoid meeting other people. But, for me, I have already dated, the first time in over three decades, and am motivated to find another women with whom I can become friends, with the potential of a long term relationship. This is not to suggest a replacement of Patti. After all, we were with each other for over 30 years and nothing can replace the events, memories, and good time had during those decades. Instead, I hope to meet a woman with whom I have a high degree of compatibility, friendship, and potential for love. Thanks for reading this thread, and thanks to all other members of this site who have, or are grieving the loss of loved ones. All the Best: Don C. Phoenix, Arizona
Johnny: I read again your story of Shalane. My late wife Patti also Blue Coded, had acute kidney failure, and was incubated with a breathing tube for her last weeks. Try not to blame yourself. And I finally had to take Patti to the ER where she would spend the next six weeks in the hospital bed, the ER bed, and a nursing home. I know that I am skipping around this narrative post, but I agree in your post that we can help each other with communication and suggestions on how not to blame ourselves for the passing of our spouse, as we all did the best job we could, and the final outcome would most likely be inevitable. As stated earlier, I just joined this site yesterday, and I had a chance to call and speak to the founder of this site, Karyn Arnold, in the state of California. I think we all are fortunate to have discovered this site, as it does provide a common forum to write about our loved ones stories, review other and often similar stories, and benefit from the stories and communication that, otherwise, would be difficult or impossible to achieve. All the Best, Don C. Phoenix, Az.
