i feel invalid

I have always and will always love caring for children, I care and invest in them as if they are my own because I do not know how to be any other way. My student passed suddenly from a drowning last summer, two weeks before her second birthday. I spent 50 hours a week with her. I was her safe person at school. I was who she ran to when she was scared, when she was happy, when she was proud. She was so smart, talking and understanding things beyond her years. And I loved her so very much. And it feels like my world has fallen apart. Its been 8 months and I had to leave school after 4 years and all those children because I couldn’t emotionally regulate to care for them properly. I can’t leave the house, I can barely talk to my partner or friends, I can’t leave the house to attend therapy, I can’t get another job, and I feel pathetic because her own parents are pushing on. And I know its a nightmare for them, we keep in contact as they know how big of a part in her life I was, but I feel horrible knowing I’m incapable of adapting to this when they’re being literal superheroes every single day. And I know a lot of this grief is bringing up suppressed grief of my father suddenly passing after seeing him perfectly healthy the week before when I was 20. But I felt that I had started to accept that, just before the loss of my sweet girl. So I do not understand why I’m so broken and I don’t believe I deserve to be. I don’t know why everyone else in this world can keep going and adapting and my nervous system has completely crashed. I’m so scared to trust and love and care again because everyone just gets ripped away from me.

 

You aren't alone. I may not have the same situation but the feeling of abandonment of your own emotions speak volumes. I'm here if you'd like to talk more.
Please take care xo,
Ren

 

Hi Ren. I really appreciate this reply more than you know. It was actually my birthday when you replied to me. I don’t quite believe in anything really, but I do believe the love I have for my dad and student led you to reply on one of the most difficult birthdays I’ve ever had. Thank you endlessly. I truly feel like I am going insane and completely alone in this feeling that’s just spiraling out of control and to hear you’re understanding and to know I’m not alone makes the heaviness and fear a bit lighter. I’m not really sure how things work on here but if we wanted to discuss openly I can, or if you’d rather email I’d be open as well as I simply do not have anyone in my life that can even begin to understand when I try to explain these things. Thank you again and I hope the days aren’t too heavy for you currently and I look forward to talking through these complicated feelings and anything you are experiencing/frustrated about/would like to have a listening ear.
Endlessly Grateful,
Emily

 

I'm glad that I could give even just a little bit of comfort. And Happy Belated Birthday!
I know what It feels like to feel paralyzed and unable to even move, shower, eat or have a good time without tremendous guilt. I seclude myself from family and friends for fear of breaking down and embarassing myself. So... I stay home, watch dateline and counting my my savings slowly dwindle down. I feel that push every morning I wake up and then I'm slammed all over again that I'm alone.
I lost my Fiance of 4 years. We were Planning to elope and move down to the shores this summer. Now I'm back around my home town (even more depressing)
Basically, I just wish I could get the strength that everyone is pushing for me to have. Its an overwhelming pathetic feeling. I feel so incapable of anything. I manage to go to the gas station and the grocery store. Thats about it. I'm withering away. He was my safety in all aspects of my life. I thought I finally found my guy after all the years of dealing with losers. It has physically effected my heart and being monitored and on meds for it. I just don't know WHY???? you know? feels like an evil, sick joke or nightmare.