Back after long, long break.

Hello everyone! I have been away dealing with my two sons and getting my mind straight on how to mentally support them both. I will make a longer more informative post tomorrow. Take care for now.

-david hughes

 

This some of my past background.

I am here today, on Earth, for some reason, I can’t know for sure. Let me explain further. When my wife was struggling with cancer, my son and I took her to the Cleveland Clinic in Weston, Florida, and left her in the car as we both walked to get a wheelchair.

My breathing became labored; it was 98 degrees out. As I continued to walk, I saw a bench ahead and made it to it. I sat there, holding my chest, and told my son to go ahead and get the wheelchair. What I would realize years later is that I had had a heart attack and destroyed a small part of my heart. We were all so concerned with Nadine that I completely forgot about myself.

When we got back to Nadine in the car, she was on the phone with the insurance company. She was crying, begging them not to cancel her insurance. She cried that she wanted to live, and both my son and I stopped in our tracks.

I can’t tell you how my son reacted, but he would tell me just recently on that day he died, inside of himself. From that day forward, he said he no longer cared for life. I was just shocked at what my wife had been put through. Finally, after all the pleading, she got the ok to go into the hospital and take the tests. It was on those days she found out she had terminal cancer.

I can’t put into words how we all felt from that day forward for a long time. Life was so foggy, sure, we cried, we hugged and kissed each other, and it was from then to this day that I never truly realized how messed up our world had become.

The days, weeks, and months passed, and there were so many tests, so many disappointments, but she never gave up. We were with her every step of the way. We knew that cancer had taken an interest in Nadine. No amount of praying, silent crying, or being willing to sacrifice ourselves for her was ever answered.

So we took each day we had with each other. Music had always been such a devouring part of my life; I could get lost in it, I needed it, we all needed it. I can’t tell you how many sad days and nights we had, but we kept each other close, dreading the passage of time and so many disappointing answers she would receive. But what amazed me, and my son, was Nadine. She refused to give in to despair. She truly kept us grounded, each of us so fragile at that time inside.

I won’t soften it for you or anyone else. Grief can start before death; it can take you to a place that is hard to come back from. As time passed, and she was removed from the transplant list for the third and final time, words can’t describe how we moved forward in life from that point.

Her former boss paid for her life flight back to Maine, where we closed up the house, waited for the packers to empty the house, signed the papers with the lawyers to take the house, and we had a grueling 3-day trip back to Maine to Nadine in the Auburn, Maine hospice house.

During this time, her last remaining sister, Linda (her two brothers and another sister passed while we were married), and Lisa, her niece, a U.S certified traveling nurse, stayed with us until they accompanied her on that life flight back home to Maine.

There were many other occasions, tons of exasperation with life in general, so many touching moments, so many tender moments we all shared with one another. Life is such an enigma; we never realize until it happens to us just how fragile we all are inside.

I won’t go through the remaining 3 months of Nadine’s life. I will just tell you, even though we had ten years to go through this cancer process with her, I am sure we were such an unknown to so many people. Nadine’s faith carried us through to the end.

I will say she was visited by an angel in her dreams. There in hospice, she told Nadine in heaven she would take care of all the unwanted children. Her face had an amazing look. I am sure there were many tears streaming down everyone’s face that moment, as we all sat, listened, and it was so quiet in the room.
I am a Roman Catholic, I believe in God, and I pray to him so much. So when others wonder why I am so strong, it is because of who I have become in life, Nadine, God, my sons, my life experiences, all the losses have brought me to this time and place.

I have many regrets. I have wished for so many things in my life, sometimes all prayers can’t be answered. Sure, life can be so unfair. But I refused to ever give up, I will try to give my strength to my sons, through love, through talks, through hugs and kisses, and through memories, some more painful than others.

I am not sure where life will take me, and when life will come to an end for me. I know, after all I have seen in life, how it has affected so many people, and admired how people found a way to overcome so many losses and obstacles in front of them.

I have been so changed by life, but that is ok with me. Sure, I don’t know if I can help another, but I know that inside myself, I face the night as I crawl into bed with some peace of mind, that I, too, will refuse to give up on life. I am here until I am no longer. I will cling to life for as long as God will allow it.

Last year, around Nadine’s birthday in July, as I slept, I had a dream that when I awoke, I remembered it so vividly. I had dreamed a spirit all in white had lain on my chest that night. I felt so comforted by that dream. I just believe my wife had reached out to me in my greatest time of need and allowed me to finally start to heal inside.

So, I would say some days my hands, my thoughts may not be my own, they are pushed by a feeling, a desire to do something. I truly hope you will allow yourself to take the time you need to face those enormous emotions you have built up inside.

Loss is truly so hard to face, let alone take the time to open up your heart to others. It is scary, and one we all don’t know where it will take us tomorrow. I just hope as you read my words, you understand, yes, others have felt loss, we are in ways so connected by our loss.

Please just take care of yourself and talk as you are able. We will all listen. Peace be with you tonight.

 

Now for the latest. My youngest son attempted suicide in 2021 by using one of our cars and intentionally crashing it on the Maine Turnpike. Fortunately, the car was built well, and he was wearing a seatbelt, so although he had some injuries, they were not severe.

Today he sees a psychiatrist and a medical doctor. His main reasoning was the death of his mother, his brother's diagnosis, and my age, 76. He felt he would be left alone.

His older brother has multiple myeloma of the blood. There is no known cure. He has had stem cell replacement, and now receives all his lifetime shots all over. He also has chemotherapy biweekly, and his blood is also scanned for the return of the disease. At the moment, he is disease free, so only time will tell.

As a father, I shower both of them with attention daily. I let them know I love them. Sure, I’ll admit I have prayed to God to remove the disease from my oldest, but I still tell God I love him no matter what. I have also talked extensively to a VA therapist to keep me grounded. I served in the Army for 12 years and 7 months.

I take each day as a blessing that they are both still with me. Peace and goodwill to everyone of you.

-David Hughes