Deb,
Although I'm MIA lots lately, I think about you, and our entire GIC "family," and hope everyone is doing as well as he/she possibly can, in this totally, f*cked up!!!, bittersweet world, we've been thrown into, TUTTAM!!! I don't think that this kind of total heartbreak has anything to do with age. It SUCKS!!! whenever it happens, and in some ways, it's got to be so much more challenging for widows/widowers who find themselves having to raise children alone, and/or continue to work outside of the home.
I feel fortunate, for lack of a better word, that all of my children were adults, having left the"nest" way before Bob transitioned. I'm not sure I would have had enough energy, both physically and emotionally, to give my children all the support they would have needed, and handle all the household responsibilities at the same time. Add in having to work, and I think I might have crumbled. As is, there were many days, where it took every bit of energy I had, just to get out of bed, wash up, and get dressed.
OTOH, in some ways, still having my children with me, might have given me strength, made me feel less lonely, but at the same time, it might have taken me much longer to get to the point where I am now, finally being able to accept that Bob will be physically absent for the rest of my life, and at the same time, finding out who I am, now that I'm no longer part of a couple. I wouldn't have had the time to think about what I want to do with the rest of my life, because I would have been too busy doing my best to help my children move forward, in a world where their sense of security would have been shattered, as a result of Bob being (physically) absent. Just thinking about this makes me teary eyed...
As usual, I'm beginning to ramble, something I seem to do effortlessly, lol... Getting back on track, it took me a long time before I was able to make important decisions on my own and feel confident in my choices. I always talk to Bob as though he is still (physically) with me. I make decisions based upon what I think he would advise me to do. One day, I had one of those "light bulb moments." I reminded myself that Bob is always watching over me, that he will always be a part of me. As a result, the decisions I make, are really decisions that Bob and I have made together. I believe the same is true for you and Steve.
I agree with what you said about grief. Mr. G. will ALWAYS!!! be with us, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, I rather have Mr. G., watching over me, ready to strike without any notice, then never to have experienced life with Bob, my "person," my soulmate, my knight in shining armor... I can't even begin to imagine the huge, dark hole, inside the hearts of people who have never experienced true love. I'm imagining it to be a much worse kind of loneliness than what we're experiencing. To repeat myself for way past the zillionth time, I'll take bittersweet any day over the alternative!!!, TUTTAM!!!
If I had a magic wand, I would wave it over every GW's head, and we would be talking over coffee together... Unfortunately, this is impossible, but, and this is the last really BIG!!! BUT!!! of the evening, at least we can "visit" each other on this site. Modern technology isn't all bad, lol...
I hope your mother is feeling a little bit better, a little bit stronger, with each passing day. She is included in my daily prayers, along with all TGWs...
Sending you and your fur babies, lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye
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