Lost spouse of 44 years

I lost my spouse of 44 years. I am been with him since I was 18. I have no desire to go on without him

 

Sherry, I had the same feeling
4 & a half years ago, when my
wife, of 25 years, Linda, died
suddenly in front of me. I didn't
care if I lived, or died, couldn't
sleep, drank too much, had
PTSD, and had to see a grief
counselor who turned my
life around, and got me on
this site. Please stay with us.Lou

 

Sherry125,

I always HATE!!! saying this because words seem so shallow at times, but since words are all I have, I hope you know how truly sorry I am that your husband passed away. My husband, Bob, died 26 months ago. He was sick for many years, but it wasn't until the beginning of 2018 that I had to become his full time caregiver. By the time he transitioned, he had a specialist for just about every body part. Being Bob's full time caregiver was the most challenging job I've ever had, but, and this is one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, I would do it all over again, if only I could...

Instead of painting just a picture of doom and gloom, I want to tell you that although the time line for moving forward, (I no longer believe we heal, instead I believe we get used to living without the physical presence of the one true love of our lives), is different for everyone, if we do all the hard work grieving forces us to do, eventually life will become, as Robin, one of my friends, and a member of our GIC "family," explained to all of us, a mix of happy and sad. Although I didn't believe this was possible for me, after 26 months, I can finally say my life is now so very bittersweet. I think bittersweet is as good as it's going to get for all of us, but I'll take bittersweet any day over the alternative.

I found GIC about two months after Bob transitioned, and it took every bit of courage I had to join and participate. However, it was one of the best decisions I ever made. This site is filled with caring, compassionate people who "get it," in a way those of us who have never experienced this kind of total heartbreak can possibly understand. It was with the help of our GIC "family," that I found the courage to do my very best to move forward.

This has become my safe place, the place I come to when I need a virtual hug, need to "talk," or want to "listen," to others' stories. Sometimes we offer each other advice, but this is a judgement free zone. You can take it or leave it, we'll be here for you no matter what.

When you're ready, I hope you will feel comfortable enough to tell us your story. I hope you will stick around, give us the opportunity to get to "know" you, and you the opportunity to get to "know" us.

I'm so sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. Welcome to our GIC "family."

Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Sherry,

Every single word of Lou and DEB's posts say it all. I continue to mourn the loss of my husband on earth and for months and months after my tragedy nearly 18 months ago, I was numb. I saw no purpose in living without my soulmate. He was my "raison d'etre" - my reason for being. A 40 year relationship; 34 years of marriage. No one, abosolutely no one, understands this anguish except a surviving soulmate.

Grief is hard work. Please rest, stay hydrated, nourished, go outside for fresh air and stay with GIC.

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your dear husband. We mourn with you.

Love and Blessings,
Georgine

 

Hi my name is Lisa and my husband just died January 21st it will be 5 months Wednesday. I totally feel the same way you do. I've been with him for 27 in a half years I've been with him since I was 24 years old I'm totally devastated. He's the love of my life my sole mate my bestfriend my everything i miss him so so much it hurts so bad I feel like no one understands. My life is over without him I just want him back I don't want to be here anymore I don't want to be left behind. I've been trying everything to try to get him back hoping it's just a horrible horrible dream that I can't wake up from hoping it's just a mistake. I've been praying for a miracle that he will come back but nothing. I'm so scared that I will never see him again I would do anything just to see his face and talk to him. No one understands stands they say it takes time and to think of all the good memories you have with him but they don't understands it hurts so bad when I think of him and all the memories because he isn't here. Every day he dosen't come home the worse I feel it will never get better how can it my life is over without my husband no one can ever take his place. I could have a hundred people around me and I still feel alone and so depressed because it isn't my husband. I miss his hugs and kisses every morning before work I miss his texts saying he misses me and loves me more than anything. I miss him picking on me I miss everything about him. My heart feels like its been ripped out all I want is to be with him I'm really sorry about your husband too it's a total total nightmare

 

Lisa,

Every word you state, I have felt. Today was one of my best days in the past 18 months. Still, I was mouring the loss of my husband before I saw your post.

So many thoughts, memories, feelings - all pointing to your loss - are coursing through your veins right now. The times that we wish to see our beloved spouse are incalculable. And, as you say, we would do anything just to see his face and talk to him. I have said that I would sacrifice my arms and legs to have my husband back. But, then, what would that mean? That he would need to take care of me? I would not want that. And, I envied him - I told my son that I envied Dad, and my son was shocked and sad. Then, I realized that my love for my husband also meant that I would never want him to suffer the anguish that I have endured.

The realization is that this is the price we pay for being human. The more one loves, the more one suffers. Said by the artist Vincent Van Gogh.

Lisa, the truth is that we have to suffer. And, the suffering will lead us to more understanding and realization. I would rather have this suffering than not.
You are a richer person for the love that you experienced with your husband. Some who are married never have it.

Your husband is in eternal life. Rest and take care of yourself. You will see your husband, again.

 

Lisa, your words are so distressing. Not only does your entire posting, but every individual sentence within it screams a message of hopeless despair. I was so taken back that my mind was blank on how to respond. What could I say to this unfortunate soul whose dreams have been unfairly crushed, and not by anything that she herself has done? What words would matter to me if the situation was reversed? What if it was me whose dreams had been crushed instead of hers? Would I even be of a mind to listen?

Every person on this site has either written or thought in some form or another the same words that you have written and been in a state of hopelessness for months or even years. Like you, they were in the same hopeless despair, but they are all still around. Somewhere along the way each one experienced an epiphany that turned the tables on hopelessness. It could have been a spiritual awakening, a newfound purpose in life, or any number of life-changing events. In my case it was a spiritual event. I have always been a spiritual person, and my epiphany came in the form of a spiritual encounter as promised in the Bible to comfort those who mourn. History certainly suggests that some epiphany awaits you. I wish you could know what or when. I encourage you to realize that the hopelessness you feel right now was common to us all, and as Georgine beautifully stated, "is the price we pay for being human. The more one loves, the more one suffers".

You can fairly say that these words were easy for me to write. I'm not the one in such pain. You would be right, but I once was. May you find the hope that you so justly deserve. You have certainly paid your dues. Jeff.

 

I hear you... My bestie Valerie died two and a half years ago. We were together since I was 21! We were best friends and partners for 34 years., This site probably saved me and the knd and loving people on here helped me to move on with my life. It is the hardest thing in the world dealing with grief. Only now and with the help of the GIC community I am starting to deal with this intense pain. I hope GIC will help you too!

 

I am so sorry for your loss. You've lost apart of you so I definitely not feeling like doing anything. Don't be too hard on yourself. Take deep breaths and take it one day at a time. Get fresh air,take walks. Do what helps ease you mind for at least a little while. If you need to see a counselor do it. If you have a friend that you can talk to do it. Come here anytime to vent. We all understand with no judgement. Praying for your strength.

 

I'm sorry for your loss . I no you miss everything about your husband. The good and the bad is what made your relationship. He was apart of you so you have the right to feel lost without him. Time doesn't heal the wound it just makes you stronger to deal with it. It has been ³ years since losing my beloved Gant and I sometimes still wish it was a dream. You are in the right place. We are here to lift each other up because we understand what the other one is going through. I pray for your strength.

 

You gain new perspectives from others who know your pain. I have been trying over the last five years to come to terms with my loss of Janet. As you all know, there is no simple answer, and we all struggle with sadness. The words of others on this site have opened my eyes to a perspective that surprisingly I had not focused on in all those years. Grief has a grip on you that is hard to escape, and I have tended to see things only from the negative side. Several of you have expressed uplifting perspectives from the positive side. Namely, how fortunate I was to have known Janet and had so many wonderful years with her. Rather than just enduring the pain of her loss, I should be thankful for the wonderful years that I had with her. No so many married people can make that claim. I know that my pain is here to stay, but it will undoubtedly lose its punch with that new perspective in the mix.

 

https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-the-newly-bereaved-should-know/

 

I TOO WAS MARRIED 44 YEARS, MY HUSBAND SPENT 71 DAYS IN THE HOSPITAL BEFORE HE DIED ON MAY 30, I JUST HA DHIS FUNERAL JUNE 20TH AND I HAV EBEEN SO EMOTIONAL , CANT STOP CRYING AND BEING ANGREY WITH PEOPLE, I SEEM TO JUST JUMP AT ANYTHING,,I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT MY LIFE IS NOW

 

Sunbell,

Words seem so inadequate at times, now being one of them, but I hope you know how very sorry I am to hear that your husband has passed away. My husband, Bob, was sick for many years, but it wasn't until the beginning of 2018 that I had to become his full time caregiver. By the time he transitioned in April of 2021, he had a specialist for just about every body part. Being Bob's full time caregiver was the most difficult, challenging job, I've ever had, but, and this is one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, I would do it all over again, if only I could...

Please be very gentle with yourself. Everything you're feeling, is "normal," given the circumstances. Your world has been shattered. It's going to take lots of hard work to put back together the shattered pieces of your life. Although those pieces will never perfectly fit back together, if you do all the hard work grieving forces us to do, eventually life will get better. The timeline for this happening is different for every one of us, but it WILL!!! happen. Life will become a mix of happy and sad, as Robin, a friend, and a member of our GIC "family," explained it to us. Life will become so very bittersweet, but, and this is one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, bittersweet is so much better than the alternative.

Although this is much easier said then done, try to eat healthy foods, try to get enough sleep, and if you're physically able to, try to get some exercise in as many days as you possibly can. I found that taking long walks, being outside in nature, surrounded by all the beauty God created, helped me make it through some of the most difficult and challenging days. If you're unable to exercise, just sitting outside, surrounded by trees, flowers, etc, etc, etc, breathing in lots of fresh air, listening to the sounds of nature, can work wonders.

Although you probably don't realize it, you've already taken a big step forward by coming here, reaching out to us. I found this site about two months after Bob died. This site has become my safe place. The place I come to when I need a virtual hug, want to "talk," or "listen" to others tell their stories. Sometimes we offer each other advice, but you can take it or leave it. This is a judgement free zone. We will be here for you no matter what choices you make. I hope that you will stick around, give us the chance to get to know you, and you the chance to get to know us.

I'm so sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. Welcome to our GIC "family," TGW (The Grief Warriors, as Lou, another friend, and member of our GIC "family," so appropriately named our group).

Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

"Sunbell", it is Wed.evening,
and I just saw your very sad &
lonely post from Sat, about
the death of your husband of
44 years. I'm deeply sorry, but
you've come to the right place
with kind people in the same
boat. My wife of 25 years,
Linda, died suddenly in front of
me. She was 68. We had no
children. She was my best ( &
only) friend and family. I had
PTSD, couldn't sleep, drank too
much & had to see a grief
counselor. She helped turn my
life around. That was over 4 & a
half yrs ago. She suggested books on grief and this site, but I
didn't join 'til 2 yrs ago. I've
met good friends here, like DEB,
in South Carolina, Karen ( the
1st. to welcome me), from
California, Bernadine
("Countess Joy")from your state,
and many others.I live on the
northern coast of Massachusetts,
and the ocean feeds my soul.
Do you live near the Oregon
coast? My name is Lou, and I
will turn 74 next month. May I
ask your name & your dear
husband's?Really hope you
stay with us. Lou

 

Sunbell: You describe yourself as "emotional, crying, angry, and jump at anything". How could you possibly feel any other way? Every friend or family member close to you understands that. Raw emotions are going to dominate your life for some time. No one, including you, could expect a caring person like you obviously are to get run over by a truck and get right back up. You have asked yourself "I just don't know what my life is now". Actually, you have answered that question for yourself. Your life right now is "emotional, crying, angry, and jump at anything". I think what you really mean is 'what will my life be after sanity returns to my life'. You are no where near answering that part of the question. Try as best you can to accept that your emotions will be driving your life for some time. Trying to see beyond that is not in the cards right now, but there will come a time when you can. Those words will probably seem empty to your right now, but think about all those on this site that were dealt the same hand as yours and came out winners.

 

Hi Lisa, my name is Donna. Reading your post was like reading my own thoughts. I even checked that it wasn’t my own post. Everything you have said is exactly the way I feel. Such a shame we can’t all band together and have the rules around death and grief changed. Like after a particular amount of grief and suffering we pass some quest and have our loved ones returned to us. It’s not fair that it is all so final and there’s nothing we can do to change it. No amount of begging or pointing out a mistake was made is ever going to bring them back. It’s just so heartbreaking

 

Hi SUNBELL, it is so scary losing your soulmate. Not only do you lose your beloved but all the plans, hopes and dreams for your future are also gone. I know I can’t even to begin to imagine what a life without my Dallas even looks like but listening to all the others on here who sadly have been living grief longer than I have, I do see that I will get through this and somewhere in the future I will have a life again. Maybe not the life Dallas and I had planned out but a life that was intended for me. I just hold onto that thought as I first navigate my way through this awful time of grief. I take great comfort talking with everyone here and hope that you too are able to lean on us all to help you through. Never apologise for your emotions, they are helping you through your grief and those who love you will understand.