Wife recently passed away

Hi,
My wife passed away (she was 48 yrs) about 6 weeks ago. She was in hospital getting treatment as she normally did and it was like any other treatment she got before that. So receiving a phone call early the morning that she passed was an extremely shocking moment for me.
We were married for 16 years (both our 2nd). We knew each other for 2 weeks and 4 weeks later we got married. The rest is/was history.
People keep asking how you are doing. I feel like shouting that I am not doing good, I struggle to cope, I am still crying every day. How can I tell people I am doing good? Even OK? At this point I do not look forward to anything. Go to work, eat if I feel like it, sleep. Repeat. My daughter from 1st marriage do visit as often as possible, and we have 1 grandchild, 6 months.
Someone said the other day to me that although my wife is not here anymore, my grandchild is. But that does not really comfort me. I know I have to be there for them. When I close my eyes at night, it is still only me though. Alone. And I know people will say time heals.....feels like I'll never recover from the shock.

 

I'm so sorry for you loss. Your grief is fresh so feeling like shouting and struggling to cope is expected. You are in the right place. Being on this site communicating with people that understand what you feeling will.help. People that have not been through the same type loss don't understand. I lost my Gant years ago and I still hate when people ask.how I'm doing. Then when I say ok some have the nerve to say just ok.or why just ok. They don't get that this knew normal without the love of my life and the father of my children is not good or great. Its an adjustment. Time doesn't heal you but it will make you stronger to deal with this roller coaster that Grief will send you on. Im glad you have you daughter and grandchild in your life. In due time having them will.bring you comfort. My kids are my motivation and I'm blessed to have them in my life because I focus on them. Without them I don't know where I'd be. Praying for your strength for each day to come.

 

Hello CWMe, just been reading your post, my heart goes out to you for losing your wife, and still so young too. My husband was suddenly taken away from me due to a heart attack, at 57, no warning signs, perfectly fit and healthy until then. Just like Sweetcole has said, my two grown-up kids also give me strength to go on.
It is still so soon for you to find comfort, but try to keep close to your daughter and grandchild, you have made a giant step through this journey by sharing your grief here with us, where everybody can relate to you and understand what you're going through.
Take care.

 

Rose, I love you for being on here to
welcome a new member, from outside
the U.S., like you. I'm also glad to see
Nicole ( "Sweetcole") . She is usually
awake until the morning , when she
has to sleep, before taking care of her
children. I've been going to bed early,
tired from walking on the summer like
days we are finally having . It is great to
see many smiling faces of both the locals
( including my friends) and tourists.
I hope the mask restrictions are easing up
in Italy, as they are here. I'm about to
greet CWMe, and ask him his name & his
wife's, as I always do, and go back to
sleep. Hope to hear from you again, soon,
Rose. Lou

 

Nicole, I'm glad you and Rose beat me to
it, in welcoming CWMe, from outside the
U.S, As I just told Rose, I'm about to ask his
name & his wife's. Hope you get a chance
to respond to my last reply to you when
you said you were "envious" of my 25
years of marriage. Helena has already
kindly commented on my post. Lou

 

CWMe, I am deeply sorry to hear about the
death of your wife, and the shock and
trauma of hearing about it in a phone
call. I know about the horror of the death
of our soulmates. My wife , Linda, died
suddenly, from a pulmonary embolism,
right in front of me. She was 68. We were
married 25 years, no children. That was
3 & a half years ago. I had to see a grief
counselor, bc I was all alone. Linda was
my best ( & only) friend & family . My
counselor suggested Grief in Common,
(GIC), but I didn't join until July , 2021.
I live on the northern coast of Massachusetts. The ocean feeds my soul.
Others here like the mountains, woods,
nearby lakes & rivers where they live. I
notice you live outside the U.S,, as does
Rose, from Italy. May I ask which
country? Also, if you don't mind , may I
ask your name and your wife's? My
name is Lou. Welcome. Hope you will
stay with us on GIC. Lou

 

CWMe: Hi, and I'm sorry for your loss. Like you, I lost my wife. It was 21 months ago. And every single thing you're saying rings true...it feels like a crazy ride at the fair that you can't get off of. I'm glad you posted; you're not alone. There are people who will listen, and I'm one of them. I hope to see you around.

 

CwMe, I am so sorry for the loss of you wonderful wife. What you are going through is something that nothing in life prepares us for. Like others before have said, joining GIC is such a great place to be. Everyone here understands what you’re feeling and there’s never any judgement. We help each other in any way we can. I lost Ron unexpectedly 3 1/2 years ago to a massive heart attack. We thought he was healthy. He had virus like symptoms starting at 9:30 pm and he was taken from our beautiful life together 2 hours later. We were married 41 wonderful years. And then alone for the first time in my life. The best advice I can offer is what has and still helps me. Try to get outside and get fresh air every day, breathe in fresh air. Whether it’s just stepping outside or going for a walk. It might not seem like it helps but it does. Staying busy is helpful, but only what you’re up to. Make a list of things that need to be done to free your mind of constantly trying to remember. Going through such a loss is the hardest thing that is thrown at us. Your wife is with you, she’s a part of you, you helped each other become the person you are. She wants you to take care of yourself. I’m happy to hear that you have a daughter and a little granddaughter. Love them and keep them close. But no they can’t fill the void you’re feeling. When people ask how you are, I know that’s a hard one. My answer was always that I’m managing as best I can or that it’s hard. If anyone offers help take them up on it. If you don’t feel you need help ask them to sit and have coffee with you. That’s a huge help. Just having someone to talk with. Talking about your wife is important and let the tears happen. It’s important to let that out. Visit this site often, read and share thoughts and stories. You have friends here and we all care. Sending you hugs, Robin

 

Rose, I’m seeing your loss is so much like my loss of Ron. So sudden and so unexpected. From healthy to being taken in an instant. Ron was 63 and we spent every day together. We ran a business together. So we were together 24/7. I just wanted to reach out I’ve seen your posts but somehow I missed how you lost your husband. I’m so sorry for your loss and want to wish you peace and strength. Robin

 

Glad you're here, CWMe. It is a year and a half for me and the tears still flow frequently. I expect they will for many years to come. That's important and normal. No one can take the place of your soulmate. After my Ned went I wanted a t-shirt that said, "Don't ask me how I am." Most people who have not experienced such a loss don't get it, no reflection on them. I hope you will come by here when you need understanding company and no judgment. Having to be back at work so soon and put on the act is very hard. I often still sob in the car on my way to work, mop up the tears in the parking lot.

 

Robin, I agree with every one of your
words to CWMe. I hope he sees how
many Grief Warriors ( GW) have reached
out to welcome & comfort him. As I've
said to you many times, I feel close to
you , Robin, bc our soulmates died about
the same time, right before Thanksgiving,
2018. As you know, I go to an open house
coffee at the American Legion, every
Sat. am, even though I'm the only
non veteran. I have made friends,
especially with those veterans , whose
wives died, after many years of marriage.
Today, I met an older man, whose wife
died just last week. He put up a good
front, with a smile, but I could see the
pain in his eyes. He told me he had to
finish his wife's laundry, and took all
her catalogs & magazines to the dump.
He cried day & night. I told him it was
good that he got rid of all the magazines
addressed to his wife, and that I still cry
every morning, before I walk outside &
see my friends.As he was leaving, he
gave me an unexpected shoulder rub.
Bc it was the Legion, where we rag on
each other all the time, I said I wish a
woman would do that. but I'll take what I
can get, and everybody laughed. Lou

 

Carla, it's good to see you on here again.
I know you are still working, so you don't
have the time to,be on GIC, like I am. If
I wake up in the night, I sometimes
check on our fellow Grief Warriors ( GW)
from different time zones, like Karen,
from Ca, & Bernadine, from Oregon. Now.
we have Rose from Italy, and CWMe, also
from outside the U.S. Hope your weather
is good in your beautiful state of Maine.
Lou

 

Lou, I’m sure CWMe will check back when he feels up to it I took so long to even try to find support on line I’m in awe of people who search out support. I feel our closeness too Lou in how we lost our soulmates around the same time in 2018. We were both going the worst time in our lives at the same time. We didn’t know each other then and if I’m honest, I was in no way shape or form up to conversing and meeting new people. You offered that man wonderful support and the squeeze although out of character for the vets was such a nice thank you. And in your wonderful way you lightened the mood making everyone laugh. Nothing brings people together better then going through the same experiences. Take care Lou, Robin

 

Thank you for your kind words Robin. I'm sorry we hadn't 'talked' to each other yet, I understand what you're going through, it really is so hard to come to terms with this tragic reality which for me is still not 'real'. I feel like I am living a life that's not mine, in another dimension, other times I say to myself: perhaps it's all a big mistake, my darling soulmate is going to walk through the door one day and everything will be the way it was. I actually had a dream similar to this thought, sadly it's going to remain just a dream.
I get through my day thanks to my two grownup kids who live with me, and reading and sharing with you all here. I truly get comfort from this and am so grateful to you all.
Wishing you peace, too.
Rose.

 

Hi Lou, I just wanted to answer your query about mask restrictions over here. Yes, they are easing off now, only necessary in hospitals and public transport. I still wear mine in supermarkets (most people do, anyway, we're all used to them now), and it may sound strange but I'm quite happy to continue wearing them, not for covid, but because I can 'hide' behind them, people can't see me very well, can't see my expression, I still have trouble facing all the world out there. When I go shopping I just rush around as fast as possible, my eyes down, not looking or talking to anyone, and can't wait to get back home.
I should try to go to sleep soon. Was up at 4.30am this morning, my record still stands at 3.30am,though.
Take care, Lou.
Rose

 

CWMe,

I'm so glad some of my friends have already welcomed you to our GIC "family." I'm so very sorry your wife passed away such a short time ago. I always HATE!!! having to say this. Words seem so very shallow at times, now being one of them. I hope you know how truly sorry I am. My husband, Bob, died about 14 months ago. He was sick for many years prior to his death, but with the help of many specialists and medications, although the drugs had side effects, they were manageable. He was able to enjoy life up until the beginning of 2018, when his health began spiraling downwards. I was his full time caregiver from the beginning of 2018 right up until the second he took his last breath. It was the very hardest job I've ever had to do. However, if I knew then, what I know now, I would do it all over again. Bob was my "person," my soulmate... It SUCKS!!!, TUTTAM!!! (Total Understatement To The Absolute Max).

Everyone has given you excellent advice already. The only thing I can think of to add (only when you are ready and able to read again), are two excellent books, "Permission To Mourn," and "Becoming Radiant," both by Tom Zuba. Lou, a friend, who you've already met, recommended "Permission To Mourn" to all of us. I found it so helpful that I bought Tom Zuba's second book, "Becoming Radiant," and although he repeats some of what he said in his first book, I found it to be just as helpful as his first book. Unfortunately, Tom Zuba has lots of experience when it comes to grief. His 18 month old daughter died, followed by the death of his wife, and then one of his sons.

Both books are short, easy to read, but pack a powerful punch. One of the things I learned from his books is that in order to begin to heal, we must fully grieve. It is so important to keep the memories of our loved ones alive. We will never fully heal. We will continue healing right up until the very second you are reunited with your wife, I'm reunited with Bob, all of our GIC "friends" are reunited with their loved ones.

One of the most valuable things I learned from Tom Zuba, from Lou, who you have already met, and from Robin, who you've already met too, is that eventually there will be more smiles than tears. However, the timeline for healing is different for every one of us. From now on, life will be a combination of happy and sad, the way Robin expresses this new life we've been thrown into. Life becomes so very bittersweet. However, I'll take bittersweet any day over the alternative!!!, TUTTAM!!!

This is a judgement free zone. You can take our advice or leave it. We will be here for you no matter what you decide to do. Joining this site, becoming part of our GIC "family," was one of the very best decisions I made after Bob's death. I'm always amazed at how a group of strangers, from all over the world, from many different backgrounds, have been able to become such good friends. I hope you will stick around, get to "know" us, and give us the chance to get to "know" you. I'm so very sorry you had to find us, but so very glad you did.

Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Rose,

I've been MIA for a week (?), but have been thinking about you, about our GIC "family," praying for the strength all of us need to get through the very darkest days of our lives. I just read your message to Lou, and it has me in tears... I'm so very sorry you're struggling so much!!!, TUTTAM!!! What you just wrote reminds me of myself after Bob died. I always wore sunglasses whenever I had to go grocery shopping, run errands, etc... and made sure I had lots of tissues with me at all times. Even now, about 14 months after Bob's death, although most days I can ditch the sunglasses when I'm inside stores, I still need to make sure I have lots of tissues with me wherever I go. Unfortunately, anything can still be a trigger for tears... The beginning of one of the many daily battles with Mr. Grief... It SUCKS!!!, TUTTAM!!!

After 14 months, I'm used to this new "normal," this new life that all of us have been thrown into. I'm now able to follow Gary's excellent advice, "The secret to life is everything in moderation." I let myself grieve, cry as hard, and as long as I need to, then kick the F*CK!!! out of Mr. Grief. I'm finally able to knock him unconscious for longer periods of time, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!!! BUTS!!!, there are still days when Mr. Grief wins too many of those daily battles, leaving me emotionally and physically drained... It SUCKS!!!, SCFED!!! (Thanks, Gary! Variety is the spice of life.)

You are doing all the hard work grieving forces us to do. You are a true GW!!!, TUTTAM!!! In time, I believe with all my heart, although life will always be so very bittersweet, you'll begin to experience happy moments again. I remember the very first time I was able to laugh, not one of those forced "fake" laughs Karen used to "talk" about, but a REAL!!! laugh!!! Although it didn't last long, it felt so good... It was then that I realized, in time, I would be okay, never as happy as I was when Bob was physically with me, but I believed I would find some kind of happiness again, purpose, and meaning in life. I HAVE!!! to believe this!!! It's a long, S L O W process, but I'm getting there, with your help, with the help of all of TGW, our GIC "family."

I hope you're able to get some quality sleep. Lack of sleep SUCKS!!!, making life so much harder than it already is...

As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Rose, thank you for answering me about
masks. Linda died before COVID. As much
as I cry & miss her every morning,I am
grateful that we could see each other
without masks. She died suddenly. Her
favorite nurse told me the next day that
if Linda lingered in pain and an uncertain
future , it would've been worse. Later,
I know it would have been heartbreaking
not to be able to visit with her in the
rehab wing of the nursing home, due to
COVID. After Linda died, I couldn't sleep
bc I had extreme survivor's guilt, that I
didn't move fast enough to "save" her. These were irrational thoughts, & I needed
the guidance of a kind grief counselor. I
didn't care if I lived or died. I hated myself,
& couldn't look at myself in the mirror.
When I finally did, I swore at my image.
You will get better, Rose. One day you
will smile again. Lou

 

Thank you Deb for your kind comforting words. It's good to hear from you again, hoping everything is OK with you. Been up since 4.30 again, but I did go to bed earlier than usual, and probably slept at least five hours. I know what you mean about all those 'triggers', it's so hard sometimes when I suddenly find myself having to hold back the tears, yes, sunglasses do a great job, one of the few advantages of these sunny summer days we're having now. I usually have a good cry during my fifteen minute drive into town, something me and my C always did together, at least no one can see or hear me then. I also haven't been able to laugh yet, perhaps just a fake laugh, as you appropriately said. I remember some time ago, on TV they were showing reruns of Ben Stiller's "Meet the Parents" films, well I couldn't bring myself to watch them. Would have me hurt so much, I would have cried instead of laughing, they were mine and C's favorites, we must have seen them at least 4/5 times, and each time we just couldn't stop laughing. I don't think I'll ever be able to watch comedy films, at least not yet, that emotion called 'laughter' just doesn't exist in my mind, my heart, at the moment.
Take care dear Deb, and yes let's all give a giant kick to Mr Grief together.
Rose

 

Lou, I'm going through a mirror problem, too. I see a different person, a person I don't like, someone I don't recognize. My C and I were "one person", so who am I now?
Wishing you a peaceful day, glad you've found new friends to spend time with.
Rose