Widowed & Alone

I met my husband in my early forties. I had no idea what true love felt like until him. He was my best friend. We were convinced our relationship was blessed by God. He was everything I dreamed he’d be minus the ability to spin a story out of this world. It was so fairytale. He passed suddenly this past April and I’ve barely been able to breathe.

I am an introvert. All our friends were couples which makes every encounter feel awkward. My son is 29 and lives an hour away and my bonus daughter, who I saw and/or spoke to weekly, I barely have contact with. We have 2 dogs (shih tzu & rottweiller) and they are the reason I actually get out of bed. Apparently they must be fed and taken out multiple times a day.

I’m not working right now. My husband worked for ATT for 25 years. I’ve lead a few small college campuses. We were both passionate individuals and barely putting a dent in our life plans. A year before he passed I resigned my job to work on our small business. A plan we’d been working on in order to live the life we wanted to live. It was exciting, scary, invigorating, nerve wracking and rewarding all at the same time.

I won’t get into details of my background but let’s just say, I survived the odds. A few times over. I once was one of the strongest individuals anyone could imagine. Now, it’s all I can do to not just remember to brush my teeth but actually complete the task.

As with everyone else, I am learning how to live in my new reality. The heath care system for grief is atrocious. The lack of resources, the lack of support, the lack of absolutely anything is astounding to me. I just want to be able to go to a place with like minded individuals. I don’t want to have to endlessly search the internet hoping for legit groups and having to explain my story over and over again. This is nuts! I always thought suicide was selfish. Boy was I naive. The mental strength needed to survive this type of pain is unfathomable. Therapy for me is a must.

They say….. They say, try not to make any big decisions. How is that possible? Decisions both big and small are needed. You cannot escape them. They say, lean into faith. I pray and I talk to God but my soul is on life support and I am numb. Also, if I’m being completely honest, I am angry - with God. I mean Jesus, haven’t I been through enough already?! So, there’s that.

I don’t know why I wrote any of this. Just one of those days I guess.

Stay strong everyone. XO

 

Thank you for sharing. It's okay to be angry with God and Life. I am glad you have those dogs. Similar dog helped my dog when he had interferon for the liver, the treatment makes people suicidal. The dog kept him moving / going.

For myself, when I contemplated suicide, I went to therapy and I found a group that just listened to me, but that was many years ago in college which is easier to meet people. If I lost my partner now, I am not sure what group Id seek out.. might get active in alumni groups, church etc

Peace to you

 

Correction, the dog helped my father, not my dog.

 

Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story. Like you, therapy has been a must for me. It was only two weeks after my Edward passed that I was fortunate to get a spot in a local hospice grief support group. That action at least got me into a place of moving forward very slowly. I ended up participating in two 12 week session groups, and I've since moved into individual therapy through that same hospice program. It hasn't been perfect however it's provided a frame work for me to at least take a step back and get an objective sense about myself and baby step progress.

Even with the amount of therapy I've received nothing can curtail the daily grip of grief. Some days it's so bad I'm doubled over in pain and agony. Other days, when I allow myself to make a conscious connection with him, I can breathe knowing that a higher power has a purpose that I simply cannot understand.

Try to stay close to the things that bring you comfort, and avoid things and people that bring confusion, disappointment, and pain. Keep breathing. Keep sharing your story, this is a good place to do that. We're all sharing the same miserable existence in this club of a loss that has devastated the lives we had.
Since I have no plans to find another partner, I will have to create an entirely new life plan devoid of all the plans Edward and I had for retirement.

I pray that you'll find some peace, somewhere, somehow...

~ Michael