When does it get better

So sorry, Bernadine. I remember that
feeling so well.3 months is such a short
time. I'm glad you stayed with us on GIC.
Even though it's been 3 years since
Linda died, I still have the occasional
"hug dream" about her. I went to sleep
early & woke from this type of dream,
feeling cold. We were hugging. Then, I
realized it was just a dream, & tears
came to my eyes. I said, " Oh. sweetie" ........There's no way I would go back to sleep
after that. I'm sitting at my table, having
herbal tea, checking in with GIC, hoping
I'd see a friend. With the different time
zones, there's usually another Grief
Warrior on here. As sad & lonely &
tiring as it is, I'm grateful we can be here
for each other. Lou

 

Hello Savannah I’m sorry for your loss of Ken but at least you’re a year into your grief journey. I hope I remembered your husband’s name correctly. My name is Gary and I lost my girlfriend Cheryl suddenly and unexpectedly to a cardiac arrest 9 months ago. At this moment it’s too painful to elaborate on. I experienced a grief recovery burn out 5 days ago. I’ve had only 3 burn outs so far. When it happens I have to abstain from all forms of grief recovery. At my own pace I try to get reconnected with my support system. I have a theory there is a biorhythm to grief. Some times we survive grief effortlessly. But Most times we make an all out effort and are still slam dunked by Mr Grief. I’m glad you’re hear. I’ve only read 2 pages of your thread but I plan catching up soon. I’m assuming by having a cat named Mr Kitty you are a Gun Smoke fan. Watching Gun Smoke with Cheryl has been a ritual the last 5 years. George I think I experienced 5 days of what you experience every other day of your life. Hang in there Bro. Thinking of you gave me courage to keep trying. 12-21 inches is the forecast here. Bernadine I had a major grief relapse at the 3 month mark too. It took 3 weeks to get back to where I was. Please be patient with yourself and do what you can. I made a doctor appointment about it. The doc said what I was experiencing was normal. But if I were experiencing these feelings a year from now he would address them. I’m going to try to out run Mr Grief for the next 36 hours till the blizzard hits. I’m going to catch up on reading everyone’s posts when the storm hits. I love you all. Gary

 

Bernadine, Grief is very exhausting, it zaps your strength like nothing else. Everything you mention just adds up to too much. One day feels like forever let alone 3 months. I had people thinking I should be feeling fine after only 3 months. Any amount of time is too long without our spouse. It feels like a lifetime. Give yourself permission to just be if that’s what you’re up to today or any day. Take care of yourself, you’re important. Robin

 

Deb, My daughter and I were able to clear one driveway. I didn’t hurt myself anymore. I pulled my muscle when I used the snow shovel with the bend in it. It was heavy the snow is heavy. Won’t be using that one any more. The official total for my area is 20”, but we shoveled through drifts deeper then 3’. It’s supposed to be warmer the next few days I hope all this snow starts melting. Another system is coming through on Friday. Might be rain.
I hope you’re having a good day, as good as possible anyway. Take care, Robin

 

Bernadine,

It SUCKS!!! When I finally had a moment to sit down, to catch my breath, all those way too painful memories of the years leading up to Bob's death invaded my brain. I couldn't stop the tears, still can't stop the tears, whenever I think about all those way past horrible, painful memories. While I was living through those times, I didn't have time to stop and catch my breath, I was too busy taking care of Bob. My mind was focused on one thing only, taking care of Bob the very best I could, while doing everything I possibly could to carry out his wishes. If I wasn't totally focused on Bob, I would have crumbled, and wouldn't have been able to help him through the very darkest years of his life, of our lives. Immediately following his death, there were so many important matters that had to be taken care of ASAP. Once again, I was totally focused on what I had to do. I was amazed at how much I was able to accomplish. Bob's death, although I knew in my head, it was "real," that he was never coming home, my heart hadn't caught up with my head. There was a part of me that felt all of this was so surreal... that it couldn't have really happened.

I don't think I could have survived the total heartbreak of losing Bob if my head and heart were at the same place in the beginning. Tom Zuba talks about this in "Permission To Mourn." If we truly understood at the time of death, that our loved one was gone, he doesn't think we could survive. He thinks our minds only let us take in so much, process a little bit at a time, for this reason. You took care of Kenn the very best you could, while you and Kenn made plans for your future, alone, without him. Maybe while you were going through the very darkest days of Kenn's life, of your life too, you didn't realize that your heart and head weren't in sync... You needed all the energy you had just to be able to keep on going. Maybe that "energy drain," you're experiencing, those tears..., is your heart's way of telling you it is finally on the same page with your head.

Kenn's death is still so very recent. Please just continue to take care of yourself the very best you possibly can. We'll be here for you whenever you want/need to "talk."

Sending you and Maggie Joy lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Robin,
Twenty inches of snow... I can't even begin to imagine how miserable it must have been having to clear your driveway, even with your daughter helping you. By the time Bob could no longer help me shovel, although it snowed lots, I didn't have to tackle twenty inches, forget about drifts deeper than three feet. I'm exhausted just reading about all that shoveling you and your daughter had to do. I'm glad you're no longer using that shovel, and hope your arm is feeling at least a bit better today. Hoping for you too, that it warms up enough to melt the snow, and that the next system that's supposed to arrive on Friday, fizzles out before it has a chance to really get going. So sorry!!! It SUCKS!!!

My day didn't start off well, but the afternoon turned out to be a bit better. Long story short, I had to have a crown replaced in 2020, during the time Bob was very sick and I was over the top busy taking care of him. The dentist who put in the new one turned out to be one of the worst dentists I've ever used. Long story short, the temp he put in fell out many times and had to be replaced (this should have been my first clue), then the first permanent cap fell out less than 24 hours after it had been put in, had to be replaced several times, until the dentist finally agreed to make me another crown at no cost. The second crown fell out too, more than once. (It fell out one time when I was doing an overnight in a chair in a hospital room. It was during COVID, but the hospital finally decided, after many months, to let one close family member stay with patients who were in critical condition.) The dentist decided to cut into my gum in an attempt to make it fit better. It hurt and I told him this before I left the office. He said it would heal and I would be fine. He was wrong. It hurt for months but I ignored it. I was way too busy taking care of Bob. After Bob's death, I was supposed to go for a routine cleaning. I cancelled it, and have ignored all the voicemails the office has sent me since. Last night I realized this crown is loose (no surprise!!!) again.

I have a reference for a dentist a friend likes. I wasn't able to access my MetLife dental benefits on line so called the customer service department. Very long story short, and over an hour later, I was told that the plan I have isn't accepted by the dentist I want to go to. I'm afraid to go to a dentist without a good reference from someone I trust, so I called the dentist's office and spoke with someone in billing. She told me that some MetLife plans are accepted and is having someone in the office get the details for my plan. She asked if I wanted to take a cancellation for a cleaning, and free consult, because there was exactly one slot open this week due to a cancellation. I grabbed it, an appointment for Wednesday afternoon. She is getting my x-rays sent to their office today, so the dentist can take as few x-rays as possible, cutting down on the cost. Very worst case, my plan isn't covered. I'll have to pay whatever the full price is for a cleaning and some x-rays, subtracting from it whatever my plan covers. I can either look for a different dentist to do the repair, or they will give me a detailed treatment plan that will include all out of pocket costs. I will still be able to deduct whatever my plan pays for the services listed in the treatment plan. For now, I'm trying to think positively... Hoping that the practice accepts my plan. Another one of those TBC's with (hopefully!!!), a good ending. Enough of this!!!

TGW have been having such a miserable winter. I'm hoping/praying, spring will be the start of better days for all of us. WE CAN AND WILL GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER!!!

I hope you and Teddy are having a much better day today... That you're inside, safe, warm, and comfortable, snuggled up together on the couch...

As always, sending you and Teddy hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Bernadine, I agree with every eloquent,
moving word that Deb spoke, from the
heart, and sadly, from personal experience
with Bob. Permission to Mourn is a
great book. I would add The Widower's
Notebook, a memoir, by Jonathan
Santlofer.His wife of 40 years, Joy, died
suddenly, shockingly, in front of him.
Like you, Deb, myself, & others here,
things had to be done ASAP after our
soulmates' deaths. Jonathan surprised
himself that he carried out certain
duties, quickly, without thinking about it.
I was the same way. What choice did we
have? I know I told you this before,
Bernadine, but I'm really glad you stayed
with us on GIC. I joined late July, & it's a
vital part of my life. Lou

 

Glad to hear from you Gary!
I'm hopeful looking at the forecast that the worst will be to the south of me here.
I am so sorry for your grief attack. I am pretty depressed and had a major crash after dialysis Saturday but I was trying to get it back togther the last couple days.
I feel so empty and blank but I'm trying to do stuff like play the new computer game TB downloaded for me Friday.
At least I got a loaner car.
Dread the snow and sick of the cold!
I'm almost at the 1 year mark here.
Take care!

 

George, I'm going to bed soon ( I've
been doing that since the hospital), &
will probably get up around midnight,
have a snack, & check in with GIC. I
sometimes talk with Karen or Bernadine
at that time.When I wake up early in the
am, I find you, and/ or Robin. Like you,
I was worried about Gary, & glad he's
back. I hope Savannah is OK. We had
fun,nostalgic looks at TV shows from the
50s, music, & movies.I remember you
joining in, as well. Lou

 

Evening all. Just wanted to check in with everyone. This weekend was tough for me. Saturday was mine and Lizzy's 9th wedding anniversary. The same day was also the 3 month mark of her passing. I spent the morning listening to our song and looking at old photos. I miss her. I miss her. That day was also the birthday party of the boy she used to watch and I knew she would want me to go. He turned 4. I almost just went to the nearest store to get a gift card but then I knew she would want me to pick out a gift. She probably got a kick out of me trying to figure out kids clothing sizes. She would have been a good mom. She already was in many ways. I miss her. I hope everyone is doing well and staying warm. It's actually supposed to snow here Thursday.

-Chad

 

Welcome to GIC. My name is Rick, and I lost my Love, my Life after 53 years of marriage. It's only been 10 weeks for me and the daily nightmare continues day after day. I am so sorry for the loss of Ted, I know what you are going through, I talk to my wife Sheila daily but not for long because I'm crying too hard to continue. My sister called the other day and said,"well, how much longer are you going to be like this?" I told her to kiss my ass and hung up. So my 1 surviving sibling will be a distant memory I believe as time goes bye. People just can't understand how hard it is to go forward after the love of your life is no longer there for you. For the first time of my life, I am alone, and yes good memories and lots of pictures of us together on the walls. But I'm 72, the same age as Lou, and what can there be ahead for me? I too feel like I'm going insane inside. This site helps some, and I continue to hope to go to a grief support group someday. But I agree, it doesn't get much better, just maybe a little bit easier to deal with. May the Good Lord Bless you and I hope you find some Peace in the days ahead. Rick

 

Chad, it's good to see you on here tonight.
Whenever I mention our 2 brothers, Gary & George,complaining about the endless,gray, cold & snowy winter, I say
we should share a Florida condo, & visit
our youngest brother,Chad, in Texas. You
were supposed to send me a big box of
Texas heat. We just got dumped on, by a
major snowstorm. I'm staring at huge
snowdrifts today. So sorry you had such a
sad anniversary with Lizzy. She changed
your life forever, as Linda did mine
It's
been over 3 years since Linda died, but her
spirit is very much with me. I can even
smile at the funny things she used to
say. I'm glad Gary returned to GIC, after a
short hiatus. Hope that if you pull back, &
just put "LIKE"on our posts,that you will
stay with us.You're a valued & loved
member of TGW. Lou


































































..

 

Happy Anniversary Chad. This week is three months since my partner died so I’m right there with you.
I think you’re right, Lizzie would have smiled at you picking out a gift. (BTW, Kid’s sizes are hard for everyone, they don’t make sense at all)~Bernadine

 

February! Month of Death Month of Birth! Month of Change... Valerie lasted 20 daze into February a year ago. 31 years ago my son was born. 7 years ago I taught my last class of Jr High Science. I just don't know... Our finest/first Valentines day 2/13/87 when she made heart shaped brownies.

 

February. A real hard and surreal month for me. Birth, Death, Life, Love. The month I had to quit teaching in 2016...

 

George, I know sad anniversaries &
certain months are real triggers. You
mentioned a good Valentine's Day
memory. Try to keep that on the front of
your mind. Linda died the end of 2018,
but I have a wonderful memory of
taking her to a favorite restaurant &
sitting in a quiet booth ( which didn't
happen often enough) on an impromptu
Valentine's Day. Lou

 

Lou we must focus on those good things. Healing isn't easy but it does happen. slowly. Be Strong! Hope Matters!

 

I know how going through special dates are so difficult. I love how you spent the day, listening to your song. And looking through photos. Both those things can be very difficult. You pushed through and honored Lizzy. She was probably watching as you picked out the gift. And felt proud that you pushed through that too. I’m sure Mark and his parents were so happy you joined them. I’m sure they miss Lizzy too.
Now it’s February, it’s a rough month for me, and others I see. Rons birthday, my dads also. And others that are no longer with us. To say nothing of Valentine’s Day. Which I know is hard on all of us GIC members.
Just had my furnace worked on, so hopefully I’ll feel warmer. I still have tons of snow piled up and the storm you’re getting Thursday is heading towards me. I don’t want more.
Take care, Robin

 

George, I feel you. February sounds like one long nightmare. We’re here to help get you through. Heart shaped brownies sound wonderful snd so special. I bet you can picture them. And if you close your eyes you can almost taste them. I made Ron a heart shaped chocolate every year since our first in 1974. I still make them since he passed. Just feels right. Keeping those happy memories alive.

 

Thank you! For the kind message. We will get through!