When does it get better

Thank you for your thoughts, I told the Doctor at the hospital, I don't want to make that decision to remove the ventilator. And he said you and Sheila both made that decision years ago, it's not just you. We had a Living Will. I can remember us signing that years ago, but it seemed so easy when we were both younger and in good health. Wasn't easy when the time came. I read somewhere that grief is the price we pay for loving someone so much. So true. I still sit and wonder sometimes if this is a dream, we were together 55 years, it is just so unreal. Hard for me to type these reply's cause I'm always crying and it's hard to see. I'm slowly starting to realize that grief will be with me always but like Gary says stumble forward. I'm trying. Rick

 

Thank you Gary, so far I am keeping my drinking to a minimum of 2 a night. It works most of the time, I have been down that slippery slope of drinking too much 35 or so years ago and I don't want to go down that way again. I don't think I will, but Jack helps me relax a little bit at night, usually late at night when I am reading at night. I usually read until I'm almost out of it then go to bed so I don't have to lay there and think about stuff. I appreciate your concern about my drinking, I don't think I'm drinking too much but maybe I'm just fooling myself. I hope not. Thank you so much for your concern, my lifelong friends and relatives seem to remain silent most of the time. This site is very much appreciated, as are you and everyone on here that is going through the despair of grief. Rick

 

I understand when you said this intense absolute emptiness inside me. I think that describes it pretty well, just a lonely and almost dreamlike unreal feeling inside. It's up to us to deal with it unfortunately, like I told Gary, I'm keeping my drinking down and so far so good, but I know that the "1 more won't hurt" demon is always sitting on my shoulder grinning telling me that. I too am searching for something that somehow ties me to Sheila but I can look forward to. I don't know what I am looking for because we always did things together and finding something just me can do alone is just never happened before, and I'm just so bewildered about going forward. So far I'm doing like Gary, and stumbling forward. I'm not real sure about the forward part. I know I'm a forever changed person, have to deal with that also, hopefully some kind of better days are ahead for us both, someday, somehow. Take care, and I will watch my drinking, thanks. Rick

 

Yes I so get it!!! I have to say at the one year mark it is different, not better, never better, but different in that the real me is starting to come out. I was a stupid kid of 21 when I fell in love with Valerie. My friends hated her. She hated my friends. She was my soulMate. I knew it from the start back in January of '87- 35 years ago! So I didn't just burn bridges- I "thermite'd" them! I regret this but like I said I was a dumb kid and my friends weren't super supportive either! We partied our asses off until '89 then I went and got my teaching degree and tried to be a straight arrow for over 25 years. Then her brain tumor, my kidney disease and then her terminal Cancer knocked my ass for a loop and so I'm here trying to find out who I am and keep wondering if itz too late! She had a lot of issues I realize now being alone for a year but the pain is still mind-boggling!
Thanks for letting me rant Bro!

 

I have no friends or relatives. My family consists of my son (who hates his mother and considers her evil) and his girlfriend. I am totally alone except for dialysis techs and GIC peeps! I am a NEW me but I don't know how to deal with this yet. A few hits of VDKA once in a while help. but it's unfortunately all too temporary!

I lost all my friends cuz either Valerie hated them or my kidney disease destroyed my teaching career. My teaching "friends" never said shit to me once I had to quit. They suck!

 

Good to see my older brother Rick and younger brother George today. I hope our oldest brother Lou and younger brother Chad are doing good. I have been texting my friend Derrel for a while without getting any response. I texted him again today. I was shocked when his wife Val called me to tell me he died suddenly and unexpectedly December 13. Derrel had a cold for several days. He went to get out of bed and couldn’t move his legs. Val called 911 and Derrel was rushed to the hospital and died within hours of being there. They are a very wonderful couple now her life is shattered into a million pieces. I talked with Val over an hour and told her about GIC. I could feel her emotions rise and then subside and rise again. I told Val about the books we have read and the wonderful support we give each other. I’m in shock too. Derrel was one of my few friends who understood grief. He has been very supportive. George it sounds like you’re solving some of the mysteries of your life. I’m glad you’re getting back to your art. And you’re feeling empowered. I was thinking of my second wife today. We were a good couple until we got sober. Then we started drifting apart. I’ve had mixed feelings about her and I know she has them too. It’s strange how we reconciled with each other then became distant. Rick I’m glad you’re talking more. When I don’t see your posts in a while I worry. I will be your friend always. This was the largest snow storm I’ve ever dug out from. The last 9 years my Cheerful Cheryl would always help with that. I guess It’s ok being a Lone Ranger. I made sure my birdy buddies were taken care of during the storm. I had to clean the snow off the feeder several times. The juncos let me walk within 10 feet of them now. I noticed their shadows in the snow today. It was almost like an apparition. Patti I hope you had a good day. Do you think you might see more of your daughter after the buzz of the great grandbaby settles down? Take care. I love you all. Gary

 

Gary my brother it is a day-to-day process even within days my moods swings. It is a constant battle and I won't give up. That sucks so much about your friend. I kept reading Val and thinking how much Valerie hated being called Val! Well she hated a lot of stuff except me I guess... living and learning. I just hope itz not too late! Well that's... my thang

 

My so called friends have gone away also. They didn't even send me a sympathy card. Or called me, I worked with them for 21 years. I feel like an ocean liner with my friends, relatives dropped me off on some deserted desert island somewhere then cruised off without me. The guy that is sitting here typing this is not the same man as before. I'm lucky that I don't feel much anger or guilt, maybe it's because there isn't room in my mind except for the heartache and pain, and have to put loneliness in there too and I think some of the shock is wearing off but I don't know. I understand how hard it must be for you, it's so hard on me too. Reading seems to take my mind off of Mr. Grief for awhile, but he is always waiting patiently for me. I hope someday I will be able to talk to her again without crying, hope for that someday. Gonna try to get out more, get a pet, go to class yadda, but it is so very hard to do, it's like I don't care, and that's just the way it is. It helps to put down my thoughts on GIC somehow. I hope and Pray we both find some Peace and rest someday soon. Hang in there, that's about all we can do for awhile, or maybe for a long time. Wishing you the best. Rick

 

So sorry to hear about your good friend Derrel, now his wife is trying to make sense of her new changed life. Sheila's sister that is 1 year younger got covid and now has dementia. I was looking forward to driving to Amarillo to visit her but now everything is just so crazy everywhere, is there any good news anywhere? I'm trying I think George is too, but everything is so damn hard when you just don't really care anymore. I guess I'll be like you Gary and stumble forward or around or something. I do feel selfish being so lost without her and missing her so bad, shouldn't I feel some good also knowing she is so much better now? I just know that everyday is a wake up call to the same bad dream I seem to be living. I just don't get it, was never prepared for this in my mind. Maybe and hopefully it will get a tiny bit easier as time goes along. I don't like saying better because I don't think it will get any better, just a little easier. Hope your doing well. Rick

 

Oh, damn Gary I’m so sorry about Derrel’s death. What a hard way to find out. I’m glad you had a chance to talk with Val and share some resources with her. It’s not the same of course but when Tai died a few weeks ago I kinda felt like it was all just too much. Too many tears, too many changes, too much death. How are you doing with this loss, I know you’ve been having a rough go of it the last few weeks. ~Bernadine

 

So my birthday was this week. Fortunately a quiet one, I’m not feeling peopley at all. My dad delivered me a cubic yard of organic compost which may win the best birthday gift of all time.
“What do you want for your birthday, Bernadine?”
“I want dirt”
“You want dirt for your birthday?”
“Yep, the good stuff that smells like a forest floor, that holds life”
“OK, I’ll get you dirt”
The garden bed and path are now extended, much of the garden is top dressed in fertile loam. Maggie and I have come in cold, tired and wet after gardening in the rain in February, she sure is a lab- rain doesn’t phase her at all. Tears in the garden aren’t new but deep down I really didn’t know if I would be able to manage putting seeds in the ground, if it would just be too sad, I wasn’t sure I had the heart for it this year. But here I am, dirt under my nails, feeling the tiniest bit of relief that I’ve not succumbed to grief too deeply to stop living.
I miss Kenn.
I miss our life.
I miss holding hands.
~B

 

I have been off GW's, family here. I have a lot to catch up on. Be back next week. Hope you all are doing as best as you can. Always, blessings to everyone, Karen

 

Rick I’ve been fishing at my friends pond four times now. Nick has a white lab that walks down to the pond and visits me every time I go. I noticed how my mood rises having Daisy there with me. How nice it feels to pet a friendly animal and have some companionship. I exchanged some texts with Val today and sent her a pdf of the “six needs of reconciliation for the Mourner”. Val said she would keep it on her phone. Derrel’s death hit home after reading his obituary. How could this be? I keep repeating it. Thanks for asking fellow warriors about them and me. Robin I overestimated the snow. I think it’s more like ten inches. The county roads are in bad shape. I’m planning on being home bound till Monday. B what a great birthday present to get a cubic yard of Earth. I envisioned your tears as sacrificial seeds being offered to the Great Earth Mother. Have you read the series of The Clan of the Cave Bear? It was the first fictional book I have read that had over 700 pages. And I think there are 5 books. I’ve been thinking about the movie The Gladiator. The Gladiator takes some kind of wound after every contest. He survives while taking a severe beating. We are warriors and survivors. We also take a beating from Mr Grief. But It’s not over till we say its over. Our moods are on the alpha omega roller coaster. But we keep trying. Patti says no one is ever left to grieve alone amongst TGW(the grief warriors). Gary

 

Today has been a rough one for me. Not sure why. I just can't seem to crying. I feel like a jerk because I do have friends and family that check in on me, but I just want Lizzy back. I just want another hug, to hear her call me Teddy. I want to take her out on date and just be happy. But I can't have any of that. Even when family checks in on my I still feel like I have no one. I can't even breath today. I misss her.

-Chad

 

Hi Chad, you’re not alone here with all of us, we totally understand.
I still cry missing Jack, only us that have lost our beloved Partner,
Wife,Husband understands our pain in loss.
I find myself calling out to Jack telling him I need
him. Caring for him those may years, there was
comfort him being with me. Spiritually I feel him
close, he’s always in my heart.I feel blessed to
have the TGW group, the greatest gift in life is
Love, we here are a family together through this
journey.
Lifting you in prayer.,Hugs, to you and
all here. Patti

 

Chad what a beautifully compassionate response Patti has given you. We can’t find that kind of love and support anywhere. We are all having a tough time now. I experienced grief burn out 2 weeks ago. I needed some time alone. Read the chapter “you are stronger than you think” in Permission to Mourn. I think you are right where you need to be. You are experiencing your grief not stuffing your emotions. Zuba writes when we don’t think we can go any further we tell ourselves I am healing. I am healing. I am healing. Go to the other thread and encourage the new member who needs help. Tell them what you are going through. A problem shared is a problem halved. It will give you some peace. I’m reading a new book called Invisible Ink by Kathy Curtis. Some of the writing I have done has made Cheryl seem nearer to me. We are all looking for temporary relief. Keep on trucking younger brother. You are not alone. Gary

 

Karen I just saw your post. I’m glad to see you again. I miss your wisdom and sense of humor. Gary

 

Gary I had a moment between family and saw your response, thank you. You are so kind. K

 

I haven’t read that series, Gary. I actually started the first one but only got a few chapters in. Probably just timing, it was years ago. Something resonates one moment but not another. ~B

 

Gary,

I've been MIA for awhile and I'm sorry I have to return to such terrible news. I've been very fortunate. I've only had one friend pass away, a prior boyfriend, but it was many years ago. I broke up with him, even though I was in love with him, because he was an alcoholic. I was very young at the time and thought I could change him. I learned the hard way that change can only come from within. His death was difficult for me to accept because he wanted to marry me. I responded by leaving him.

Although I found his passing very difficult, there is no way to compare his passing to your very good friend, Derrel's death. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like if I lost one of my friends, especially now, as I'm just beginning to learn how to live my life without Bob being physically present. I always hate saying how sorry I am for your loss, because I think it sounds so "shallow" every time I say these words, but they truly come from my heart. From the short time I've "known" you, although it seems so much longer than it actually is, I've seen you grow as a person, become stronger..., more resilient..., open to accepting every available opportunity for help, in this way beyond miserable, ongoing battle with Mr. Grief. You are working so hard... having done volunteer work, participating in a bereavement support group, individual counseling, and even a "brady bunch," type zoom bereavement group, reading everything you can find you think will be helpful in this battle, and following the advice you've found in these books and articles. Expressing your emotions isn't easy for you, but yet, you fought your way out of your safety zone and bravely face this challenge each and every day. You are a fierce GW!!!, TU!!! Suddenly, along with doing everything you can to lead the best possible life you can without Cheryl's physical presence, you're forced to take all the knowledge that you've learned while still very much stuck in Mr. Grief's amusement park, and apply it to help you grieve and mourn the death of a very good friend..., a friend who not only supported you in this miserable journey, for lack of a better word, but also understood grief. It SUCKS!!!

I know there is nothing I can do or say to make this any easier for you, but I will be here for you as you begin to process Derrel's death, and bravely fight two battles with Mr. Grief simultaneously. I think I can safely say that all TGW will be here for you too...

Sending lots of extra hugs and love your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB