It's been 7 months since you have passed on, never a day I don't miss you.. I still kept your number and sent you messages like what how we used to do.. just that now .. I have to on your phone to blue tick myself.. I keep you updated on wherever I does... I wanted to let you know nothing changes.. is just our environment changed.. I cant feel your presence but everyone has been telling me that you would want me to live better .. is that so? if that so why wouldn't you live and watch us grow old together.. One day in the afternoon, I broke down at the living room.. I didn't know what to do, I cant stop my tears rolling down.. that was the best cry.. my upbringing was strong, my surrounding is like a No-Cry-Zone. Everyone braves up when they encountered difficult situation.. but I wasn't prepared for this .. I turn on my laptop and googled " how to dealt with loss of my husband", the first prompt was a counselling center, I asked myself.. do I even have to resort to call some strangers that I didn't even knew and tell them what I am encountering now? Yes I want to end my life.. I hope I can meet you again, since you chose to leave me, I will find you myself.. that was on this moment when I tried end everything, my mum image surfaced, what would happen to her if I died.. how would she dealt with it.. ultimately.. I have no courage, I felt like a loser. After hesitating for some moments, I plucked up the courage to call the counselling center.. almost immediately, or maybe my words caught their attention.. they scheduled a 1-1 counselling session, it was quite a distance from my house, I was thinking should I or not.. I went down.. I was enlighten by the counsellor.. over the center, you feel that you are not alone.. because everyone grieves together with you, we cried together.. we contributed our stories, some passed on because of illness, some is sudden loss.. all walks of life... I feel so strong of being wanting to live on in the center.. but once the session ends, I step out of the center.. I feel aimless again.. what am I doing? Ain't I suppose to help myself? what am I getting into.. It took my quite some times to packed your clothes..your belongings .. I think I'm still not ready.. I love you so much still.. everything I see, I does, is all about you.. I don't miss our marriage vows.. I misses the little daily things that we do in our life.. and by typing this.. I think I can have a better sleep later.. I hope you will come to my dream.. tell me you are ok.. I Love you, my Sam..
This was my first read in this page and I love it. This is a lot of how I feel and makes me feel human to know I am not the only one.
Today.. 29 Mar 2020 @ 3.17am Friends Let this be the portal where I can pour out everything without being judge or console.. I've had enough of people consoling.. its not that I don't appreciate.. I've tried meeting up friends, I came to realized.. they all had the same words.. because of what had happened, they too , talked with filtrations.. I understand where they are coming from.. but it isn't just the time.. I have good people around, constantly checking up on me, making sure I'm still alive.. I truly appreciated. but now.. I find no strength to reciprocate. Today.. Today I looked back at our WhatsApp's messages, I realized we didn't really took a lot of pictures together throughout this 12 years. Pictures I found are those unglams ones.. candid pictures of you eating, angry emotion, sleeping.. videos of you.. voices messages .. listening back and watching back brings me closer.. like you are beside me laughing together.. I don't know what am I feeling now, at times I accepted .. mostly I don't.. if.. I mean if I could have 5 mins , just 5 mins with you.. I want you to guide me.. guide me the direction.. let me know how to be independent .. I used to think that I'm more matured person.. not until I lost you.. I am actually very dependent on you... I tried to distract myself by going back to work.. I think that work can let me forget the time and think lesser.. but no.. I had a lot of stupid mistakes at work.. I cant concentrate.. I done mistakes that even I, myself find it absurd.. when its 9am, you usually text me that you have reached work place and heading for breakfast.. 12pm, another text asking did I had my lunch yet? 4pm, texted to ask me to think what's for dinner later.. I teared .. I cant control.. its taking a toll on me.. Every morning I went out with ma together .. I don't know where to go.. but I just don't wanna be alone .. I sat at the bus stop for 2 hours.. board a whatever bus and go to another depot.. I spent the whole day taking bus.. being in a crowded place , I find sense of security.. but same time I feel lonely.. That day I met up with a close friend, we went for a drink, she told me .. that I'm still young.. who knows I might meet someone.. I got quite upset with her words.. I told her off.. now this time.. its not about breakups .. I don't have the energy to know someone new again to understand the whole character or living habit .. I don't want to spent time knowing what he likes or what he doesn't.. I have been with my husband for 12 years... yes.. we quarreled.. yes.. we don't often shared same views.. but he is the man that I wanted to spent my life with.. tired.. I'm so tired of everything.. I supposed no one can help except for ourselves.. we can attends tons of counselling session.. but that is only 30% I guessed.. the rest is how we think.. how we interpret during times like this.. I need time.. we all does.. not to forget the person.. but have that person placed in your little corner of your heart.... I wished someday.. when I looked back at our stuffs.. it will be a smile and not tears.. I will be strong not for myself.. but for people around me who cares..
you are not alone.. please continue typing and let this portal be your output... I don't know why.. somehow it make sense.. but its ok.. we don't really have to make sense every time..
I feel those emotions. Life isn’t fair. The people in our life react ways we didn’t expect them to act. I’m still questioning my friends. Why they act like I should be over this already. I love her so much. I miss her more than anything. I’m in love with my best friend who was always here for me like they weren’t. And they get to tell me I’m grieving too long??? It’s been two months. No one gets our lost like we do. Everyone thinks it’s over in days. It all sucks!!!
Notyet, First I am sorry for your loss of Sam. Time and grief are so separate and distinct from each other. I say that because when it comes to grief, it can take a long time to overcome it. You might feel better, and things start to appear better. Time passes and something then happens and a whole new set of emotions might surface, and you are faced with grief once again. This is what happened to me. Next month it will have been 5 years since Nadine passed. What I realized was my newly reactivated grief was never really gone. So I searched for locations to talk out my feelings. A priest offered me guidance, a counselor listened to how I was feeling and then I found this site. I read through posts and realized I could also finally speak what was on my mind, with strangers who also had lost someone in life. I felt safe, and so for 6 months I made post after post, first laying out my story, my loss, and then responding to others. All the while I was doing so many things at home, watching happy videos, proposal videos. I would also go through every picture, video, and slides I had of our family. I would also go through my music, over 3k of vinyl, cassette, 8 tracks, tape recordings and I then also turned to Youtube.com and lost myself in all their music. You could say because of my love for music I was like a kid in a candy store. Finally just recently it was as if a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer hated life so much any more. I will tell you, if you keep those emotions locked inside you they will slowly devour you. The idea that we heal ourselves isn’t wrong at all, as you said. As we talk, as we open up, we start to remove the fear we hold, the intense emotions that tend to overwhelm us so easily, and finally our nights for sleep start to get better slowly. We can be in a crowd, with friends, family, and strangers, and we can talk till our faces turn blue. If those people haven’t been touched by sorrow, or released their grief it is as if you are a person who no one hears except yourself. But at this grief site, we are all damaged in some way, and so we tend to listen and read more to others stories. Those people then start to talk, and open up, until it is an endless cycle of people helping people who have had the light turned on in the room finally. When you truly love someone, when they are gone, it is still easy to cry for them. Memories are so worth all the happy and sad tears we shed. We also are permanently changed. You could say we are to a degree enlightened on grief. I say when I think about the past, those tears are so worth the effort, I earned them in life, and so have you as you travel through your grief. I hope you will talk when you feel like it. It really doesn’t matter how little you share, it just matters that we are great listeners who understand loss unfortunately. Please take care of yourself, and get all the rest you need. Peace be with you forward. -david I hope you don’t mind this is a song for you This is a violin song performed by Michelle Jin Violin.
