The Pain in Unbearable.

Michael, we have to keep them alive. How do we face each new day otherwise? We can't amputate our own hearts. I truly can't see past tonight. I pray, pray, pray to join David. I ask God for help, I keep going in and out of shock. I feel clearly your suffering about Edward, perhaps about the meaning of this great Mystery of life. I have to focus on seeing David in God's hands. We want so much for their comfort, for their peace, for a new joy.

 

All we can do is take the pain one day at a time, trying to adapt and manage grief seems almost impossible. Nobody warns us about this type of pain and suffering. Being that I do believe in life eternal, I'm confident that Edward is doing quite well. I do wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him. I too pray and plead with God to lift me up so I can be with him. At least we know that the end of this life is inevitable and guarantees that at some point our time here will end.

I have an intentional daydream that I play with every day. Since Edward was such an avid gardener, I envision myself walking into his Heavenly garden to hang out with him. We spend our time planting giant flowers, playing with the animals, and visiting beautiful places throughout
God's glorious universe.

I believe that David and Edward see our pain. I believe that they are helping us in ways we can't see or understand. Their love for us continues.
Please know that I care about you and what you're going through.

Breathe.

~ Michael

 

Thank you, Michael. Sobbing again. I did not expect that this was going to get worse each day. I spend my hours watching Dr. John Lennox and others, searching for answers about where David is, or like you said, are they watching over us. I have come to the same conclusion as you; their love surrounds our lives from above. I remember the day, 6 years ago, when David and I met with a neurologist who was a colossal jerk. He had David sit on a chair and he wheeled his chair so that he was face to face with David. He asked him a couple of memory questions, examined his eyes, and then said in a loud, macho voice "you've got Alzheimer's, my man!" David's face did not change. I died right there. but I didn't let David see it. As we left the office he took my hand as we walked along. He said "THAT'S some bad news". I immediately began a campaign of saving him. I searched the world for remedies or things to slow the progress of the disease. With his neurologist's approval, I had him on 40 different supplements, had herbal remedies shipped from China, Greece and got him on a trial drug (failed trials) for 2 years. I had arranged to take him to a clinic in Kiev, Ukraine that was the only clinic in the world using fetal cells to treat Alzheimer's. I had seen a documentary by Eric Merola about this clinic (EmCell) where people were seeing success for a wide variety of diseases. Eric became a friend for a while, we were going to take David to the clinic, use him in a new documentary, but the war had broken out and one could not fly into the country but rather travel in the dark of night via train, car, etc. David did not want to do it. By this time he was unable to handle money, or read anything complex, but his bright humor was still intact. The doctor told me he had never had a patient whose spouse did this and thanked me for adding things to his own protocol that he had never heard of. I was so saddened to hear that, surely people felt helpless or didn't know where to search for resources. David never talked about his disease, and until the end remembered my name and who I was. I had shared with Eric, David's experiences in his 4 tours of combat duty in Vietnam. Merola was so shaken, so humbled and disturbed, that he recommended that I contact Oliver Stone. David's story was so unlike any other, so uniquely tragic, that Eric thought it deserved sharing with the world. I told Eric that when the time was right, I would contact Stone, as best I could. David had been raised on a farm in the Central Valley of California. He had a fabulous, loving father, he had a dream childhood full of family and joy. The thing that captured my soul about him was his genuine optimism in life, that inner glow that warmed the hearts of everyone he ever met. He knew my past, my broken soul, and gave me the will to keep on marching. Each day of the last 6 years has been an elegy, me trying to march ahead as he taught me, but my spirit withering against my attempts at denial. That last day, as he lay unconscious in the Hospice ward, I talked to him without ceasing, about our lives, my love for him, holding his hands, kissing him, asking his forgiveness for my faults, massaging his shoulders. He was no longer responsive at all, but when I told him I would see him soon, there was a small, jerky squeeze of my hand. I know God was present. I felt that He had us wrapped in a cloud in that room. I know I could not have endured it without His Grace. I have been grieving a very long time and I just want to go home. Until then, I am so appreciative of you, Michael, because you are showing me a way to endure another day. Thank you so much. God Bless.

 

Oh dear, your recollections about David are achingly painful, and so familiar. Those last days and hours, he appeared to be unresponsive--except for his extraordinarily strong grip on my hand. I had been sitting like that all day. I remember having to pee so badly, but I didn't want to move. After many, many hours I told him I had to go to the bathroom and would be right back. I knew he was alert and understood because his grip loosened. When I returned a few minutes later, he gripped my hand just as tightly. Other than that, he appeared completely unresponsive. I kept telling him that he was safe; that I would join him shortly. I'm certain that he knew he was dying.

In our lives together we spent countless hours walking on the beach, and so I told him to look for me on the beach. I now go walking on the beach still looking, hoping for some sign. I don't see anything, and so my search for him leads me to all kinds of odd conclusions: Maybe there exists a universal consciousness, and our material brain is not the source of consciousness, but rather the channel through which consciousness can observe the universe. Maybe a fundamental consciousness (outside of our physical brain) gives rise to all systems of thought. Maybe universal consciousness had something to do with the creation of the universe. Maybe meditation and achieving a state of higher frequency makes it more likely that we can tap into a universal consciousness. Maybe everything is made up of mathematical descriptions of a quantum state. Maybe a collapsed wave function brings consciousness into existence. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe anything; but I definitely cannot accept that my husband simply disappeared. I cannot accept this because if he could be made to disappear, then I will inevitably also disappear--and that is simply inconceivable.

 

Thank you both for sharing your painful, yet poignant experiences. Your stories helped me cry...
Love is so power-full. It takes us to the height of possibilities, but also can bring us to our knees with suffering. We did not create Love, it created us. To me that is proof there is a God/Higher Power. We also did not create anger or despair, but we all experience these feelings in similar ways. To me, that is proof that we're all connected.

Before I retired I worked in healthcare for over 30 years. I have been at the bedside of hundreds of patients that died or as they were taking their last breaths and there is a presence, an unseen 'other' that is always in the room. Sometimes a light 'misty smoke' could be seen leaving the body. I witnessed this with my own mother as well at the moment of her death. Often, a day or two before an alert/cognizant patient died they would share that a deceased loved one had come to their hospital room to visit and/or tell them about their impending death, usually it was the spouse or mother. That always brought me comfort knowing that we're never alone.

A couple of days after Edward's triple bypass he started to tell me that he was dying. I attributed it to the post-op drugs. I was trying to maintain hope as we headed for the kidney transplant. After all, he and I had been carrying hope for many years during his dialysis. The morning of the day he died he just didn't feel like going to dialysis, but I convinced him once again that it was the only thing keeping him alive. Looking back now, oh how I wish I had those extra hours with him that day. During his van transport home that afternoon he did everything he could to escape his wheelchair, trying to slip through his safety belt, removing his shirt, etc. He wanted to be free... He fell out of his wheelchair coming out of the van. My sanity was being so tested at that moment that I completely forgot about his taking blood thinners. Again, even with all my experience I was helpless. I retrieved the all too familiar Hoyer lift and brought it outside to hoist him up and get him into the house. He was so exhausted that he wanted to bypass lunch and just go straight to bed. About an hour after he went to bed he knocked on the bedroom wall to let me know he needed something. I went to the bedroom and he wanted to take his shirt off because he felt hot, his lungs suddenly sounded crackly. By the time I ran to his side of the bed he began to drown in his own blood. He died quickly. As I held his body I did not feel grief, rather I felt this rush of a huge smiley face emoji wash over me. I knew that was his way of telling me that it would be ok, he was free.

Now, fourteen months later, even with all the drama of that day, I still focus on that feeling of the large smiley face he sent my heart. Death has no power over love. My only action now for surviving is adaptation.

Peace be with you.

~ Michael

 

Yes, Michael, to be free of the shackles of this life, and yet surround you with the knowledge of his love, and His love. That Presence in the room, the one that we often forget to acknowledge in our daily lives, is at the core of everything. You must have gone through so many stages of fear and pain as Edward was preparing to leave, knowing that it was imminent, knowing what to expect because of your work, and yet you were returned to that state of mind, or spirit, that protects you in a sort of fog. I am convinced this process is unbearable. Why don't we just disintegrate from the agony of it? I don't understand. I watched 2 formal debates on Faith: one was Dr. John Lennox versus Christopher Hitchens (atheist) and the other was Dr. John Lennox versus Richard Dawkins (atheist). Both were so enlightening and confirming of the evidence of Christ. The core of Lennox's argument is that Christianity IS evidence-based and he unfolds the most amazing confirmation of it. This has helped me keep going for now. You had mentioned Edward's wonderful sense of humor. I wonder if the large smiley face was his way of giving you a bright Hope, to help you through this temporary Farewell for now.

 

I have followed with interest the discussions between you and Michael regarding faith and divine existence. I have spent years studying these profoundly important matters from both a factual perspective and a spiritual perspective. There are endless volumes of research and commentary by scientists, scholars, and theologians on both sides of the arguments presented. As important as these matters are to society and to mankind, I continue to be amazed at the glaring flaws in the arguments put forth by the scientific community. I apologize for the detailed nature of the following analysis, but defending spiritual explanations at the expense of "scientific" explanations requires that approach. Unfortunately, brevity also requires that I limit the defense of faith and spirituality that they deserve.

Consider, for example, the flaws in the scientific theory of the creation of the universe. Their explanation is the Big Bang Theory, under which the Big Ball of matter explodes and generates debris of random shapes and sizes expanding radially outward from the center of the explosion resulting in our solar system, the stars, and all other celestial bodies. No explanation is given as to where the Big Ball came from. A rather important detail to overlook, wouldn't you say? Scientists instead rely on the unfounded and dismissive assumption that the Big Ball was somehow just "always there" at the beginning of time and that time began at the moment of the explosion. Consider the irony that despite the omission of God playing any role in the scientific theory of creation, that time is today calibrated in terms of A.D. and B.C., which are based on the birth of Christ, the Son of God.

Second, we have all witnessed at some point in our lives the random and uncorrelated dispersion of jagged fragments that result from an explosion. It is impossible to believe that our solar system of spherical planets in precise orbits around the sun, some with their own moons in precise orbits around them could be the result of the random and uncorrelated dispersion of fragments expanding radially outward from the center of the Big Bang explosion. The structure of our solar system is so precise that scientists can predict the exact time of solar eclipses. For example, the solar eclipse to occur in ten days on April 8 has been predicted to the exact second of its occurrence. Is our precise, orderly solar system more likely the result of an explosion or the crafted hand of God?

My arguments undermine the blind acceptance of the Big Bang Theory of creation of the universe and make the issue of faith front and center. While unable to justify their own theory, scientists argue that the version of creation of the universe put forth in the Bible is based on faith, rather than on provable evidence, and that neither side can claim an undisputed version of how it all began. I agree, but neither can either side expect blind acceptance of their explanation. Faith is something that is believed with strong conviction and overrides the need for verifiable evidence. Scientific theories, on the other hand, face a higher standard and ultimately must be proven to be true. Unfortunately, because they require evidence to be proven true, they are vulnerable to evidence that proves them to be untrue. As in the case of the Big Bang theory, its weaknesses are so glaring that it cannot meet the higher standard of scientific theory and must also be treated as a matter of faith, not fact, in the same manner as are Biblical versions of creation. While I have chosen creation of the universe to defend faith and spirituality against implausible scientific theories, the same principles apply in defending the Biblical creation of mankind versus the "scientific" theory of mankind evolving from algae.

 

Thank you for your insightful post.

 

Thank you for taking the time to present this critical issue. Have you listened to any of the lectures of Dr. John Lennox? His argument is brilliant. He is most fascinating when in formal debates, such as with the late Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins. In each case, he left them "de-stabilized" from their convictions.

 

Thank you, Jeffry; I appreciate your thoughts. And, yes, I will look up Dr. Lennox. These questions that have to do with faith and the cosmos have always been an issue for me. Now, after the loss of my husband, these same questions have become more urgent. I have wondered, for example, "why is there something rather than nothing?"

I just realized that tomorrow is Easter Sunday. The promise of the triumph of life over death, the triumph of light over darkness. The very existence of this holiday suggests that humankind has been struggling with this same dilemma for a very long time--maybe for as long as we have had consciousness and the ability to be self-reflective.

We are all in this together; ultimately looking for the same thing.

 

Thank you Jeffry for putting some loose ends into place for me. Since childhood, I've had such frustration over the friction between science and religion, and their unwillingness to grasp the others' essence and see their obvious mirror images. God is The Scientist Extraordinaire! My Edward was my greatest teacher, weaving together nature, metaphysical/quantum theories, and spirituality. My universe is much bigger now because he helped me break barriers within myself. Overall, I'm a much better person for having known and loved him for so many years.
Thanks again.
~ Michael