Sudden and unexpected

Wow Lou, speak of the devil. It’s possible he’s lonely. But that’s no reason to talk to people so much. It turns people away. But he’ll never learn
I just searched for Two Little Birds, is it in Rockport? I checked out the menu. No picture of it but nice menu. I’m glad you have a place like that to go. It must be cold there today, very cold here.
I share with people how much GIC has helped me. To me it’s better then one on one counseling. Robin

 

Lou,
Thanks for the smiles... There is no such thing as too many smiles, TU!!! I promise the next time I "talk" to Karen I will remind her that your drinking days are over. Wait, I hope I can remember with this widow foggy brain thing. So scrap the promise part, but I will do my very best to remember.

The person I wanted to talk to wasn't at her desk, so I tried shutting my computer off and restarting it again. It seems to be working... Please keep your fingers crossed!!! Thank you in advance.

I read your message to Robin and am so happy you went out for breakfast. This has me thinking that you're feeling lots better than you were after that horrible dream. I haven't watched the news in days, so I have no idea what's happening in your corner of the world, but I hope it's a beautiful sunny day. It's so cold here that I had to turn my heat on for the first time this season. I had a difficult time getting out of bed, having to walk into the living room, to crank up that thermostat. As soon as I got out of bed, that blast of cold air got me moving, almost like that kick I get after my first cup of caffeine begins to kick in. However, it didn't last long. I'm barely functioning again. I'm way past exhausted. I hope I can finally get some sleep tonight.

Today is one of those lazy days for me. I'm dressed in my favorite stay at home fleece, okay for a quick trip to the mailbox, but I definitely wouldn't go anywhere else like this. But, and this is one of those really BIG BUTS, when my kids were small and we were running late, and I knew they were going to miss the school bus, I have to confess there were more than a few times I stuck a jacket over my pjs, piled the kids in the car, the dog too, she loved!!! going for rides, and bravely took off. There were even a few times,well maybe more than a few times, I needed a quick fix of caffeine, so after dropping the kids off at school, the dog and I stopped at the D & D that wasn't too far from their school on our way home. In those days, I don't know if they still do this, they used to keep a box of dog biscuits near the drive thru window. Every time we went through the drive thru, my dog would put her paw on the window, as if to say, please roll it down. Of course I did. She would stick her head out and gently take that "cookie." I'm starting to ramble, so going to stop here. Anyway, although I don't recommend going out like this, it always ended well for me and my very favorite "fur baby." I never got stopped, the kids arrived at school on time, the dog enjoyed her "cookies" and I enjoyed that first cup of caffeine.

I think I better stop here, go back and read some messages from yesterday.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Robin,

I tried rebooting my cbrome book again and at least for now, it seems to be okay. Thank you so much for explaining how to reboot my modem. It sounds so simple, but as you said, the internet is our life line. I don't know how I would make it through an entire day without it. If I need to do this, I'll either get one of my neighbors to come over, or I'll call my son.

I'm glad you have flood lights that go on with movement and that Stacey bought and installed cameras for you. I'm also relieved to hear that you think this guy is just creepy and you don't think he would hurt you. I don't blame you for not wanting to talk to him, it definitely is NOT okay!!! I haven't lost weight, but I know I've aged way too much from stress. Stress is so harmful, it negatively impacts us in way too many ways. I feel like I have Uncle Fester (thank you Stacey) beat in the bag department, TU!!! I look as worn out and frazzled as I feel...

Going to read a few more messages and then maybe heat up some soup for lunch. It's freezing here today. I had to turn my heat on for the first time this morning. I don't have any right to complain, I think it's usually at least 10 degrees warmer where I am than where you are. I wish I didn't give away all my Cuddle Duds before I moved here.

As always, sending you and Teddy hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

P.S.. I might have spoken too soon. I think I'll have to call my son later, when he's finished teaching, and ask him to stay on the line while I reboot my modem. There are still so many things I have to learn, that Bob always did, that I always took for granted.

 

Lou,

I forgot to tell you that Bob and I did lots of shopping at the Christmas Tree Shop in the 90's. However, we were on the South Shore and you and Linda were on the North Shore. We visited your corner of the world, but I don't remember if we ever shopped at a Christmas Tree Store that was near you.

That saying when "Man plans, God laughs," is so true, TU!!! All of our hopes, dreams, plans for the future, taken away from us in an instant.... Our lives shattered... sort of like a jigsaw puzzle with way too many pieces missing, no matter how much you want to finish it, put it back together the way it was before you lost those pieces, it is impossible. However, as you once said , if the events hadn't unfolded the way they did, you wouldn't be living in what I think is one of the prettiest, most scenic places on earth. So, although this is not what you wanted/expected, TU!!! (definitely not strong enough words, but I'm fried and it's still early in the day, so can't think of any other way to put it), God and Linda brought you to the place you now love, your forever home...

I'm freezing. My closest friend from home sent me the softest, warmest bereavement blanket right after Bob's death. Every time I cuddle up with it, I think of Bob, and although every memory is bittersweet, the blanket comforts me a bit, sort of like Bob wrapping his arms around me, giving me the biggest hug ever. I'm going to get that blanket, make a cup of tea, and call my friends who we used to travel with. They can talk as much as I can, so I think I'll get the charger for my phone too, just in case...

Hope you're having a good afternoon with many more reasons to smile than cry...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Robin, I know that you look in the
mirror. & believe that you've aged, & that
Ron wouldn't recognize you, but your
daughter is right, It was heartbreaking
for me to see my once vibrant wife, Linda,
become sick, first from endometrial
cancer,which we thought she had
recovered from, diabetes, and finally,
breast cancer. But, the one thing that
didn't change, were her beautiful, blue/
green eyes, and smile, when I made her laugh. Lou

 

Oh Lou! I love it! I feel your love through your writing. I know I’ve aged. I feel older too. Doesn’t help that I have trouble walking. And I’ve lost so much weight. Stress related. My son gained weight. My daughter lost but she put hers back on. My eyes don’t show a happiness any more. Lou what you say is so true. Reading this post has me in tears. I know Ron would love me no matter what. You and Linda were a perfect match.
❤️ Robin

 

Robin, just read your comment on age. You know what? I've seen the same thing when I look into the mirror. I've lost weight and it has come off of my face, sunken cheeks, even hair loss. I feel lightheadedness most of the time. I feel 10 years older, I don't walk the same, balance is off, my system is not the same, to be honest.
I know Jack would still love me, but would be so sad for me. Robin you're not alone, I'm sure many of us here are going through the same thing.

I felt so alone knowing how I've aged, then I read your post. It's just another symptom of grief we have to try to get through and feel better about ourselves. God Bless, Karen

 

I feel like I keep getting sucked into that dark hole of hopelessness! It is a constant fight. You are so lucky you can watch the tractors and stuff. Today I had a bunch of house junk to do to sell it and had to go out while strangers trooped around my house (still!) I can see why even though Valerie wanted to sell (and that was our "dream") but she could never have dealt with people wandering around her personal space. man I'm such a mess but we are doing our best. Since I wasn't much on line today I'm trying to catch up. Thanks for saying I'm the TUGW! I really don't see it but I will try my best to live up to it! All day everyday I just feel SO BAD! a lot of the time. I wonder what is my problem... then I go; oh right that dying stuff... lack of power, events out of our control, facing an uncertain future on many levels (society and personally or as I term them the Macro and Micro level). I guess that's why it's so important to practice mindfulness. I put myself in the moment and compartmentalize... I don't think about past or future (what ifs and Should'ves) and try to feel my breathing and heart beating and focus on temperature, smell, sound... try to stay in the present and then all of a sudden you think: "I don't feel so bad" but then 2 seconds later you start the process again. That's where patience and perseverance come in... "ya gotta go back jak and do it again! (to quote The Dan)" Every freaky day. Over and over. No wonder I'm so tired! I wish my brain and heart would line up. They often seem at odds about grief stuff. How can I internalize and realize I am good and maybe needed. I just want to help but am not sure how to start... I will keep oon keepin on Love ya to! All of you! TGWs!

 

As Valerie's health declined I still loved her sweet face and smile and her eyes!

 

I guess 10 is the magic number. I felt like I aged 10 years one month after Cheryl passed. I still can’t get this gut shot look off of my face and may never. Our bodies are really stressed out now. I went from getting four hours of sleep to six hours three months ago. I wake up every hour and a half. Usually I go back to sleep. I think this is aging me too but we just keep going. I eat a lot of salads and fruits. I buy Costco sliced turkey breast in 2 pound packages.
I take two servings and wrap them up and freeze and thaw as needed. Costco Has good deals on canned tuna. I started using a George foreman grill to cook venison burgers. And it’s good for salmon fillets too. During the pandemic I bought bulk chicken breasts cubed it up and put it in 7 quart jars and processed it in a pressure cooker. You can make chicken salad or soup. I take half of a jar and freeze the other. Half a jar makes 2 servings. I did the same with a pork loin and venison roast also. I have oatmeal with walnuts Craisins butter milk and honey for breakfast. My weakness is trail mix granola bars. I’m trying to get back into Music. I listened to dog and butterfly by heart and no secrets by Carly Simon today. I do better on the staying sharp games when I’m listening to music. I Spent another three hours in the woods today putting out trail cameras and another tent. The preparation is actually more fun than the hunting. I hope George and Stacey are doing OK. Sleep well. Love you all. Gary

 

I don't want to eat anymore much. I lost like a hundred pounds since Valerie's cancer was diagnosed. Eating is doing something and I don't want to to do anything. Food doesbt really taste good anymore to me. I haven't had a haircut since my kidney removal surgery (5 years!) I look like a mess I bet. I don't have stuff that fits. I never cooked. TB was cooking but with selling the house we've been living on cheapAss frozen dinners and sandwiches a lot! Heart is great! I mainly just listen to the radio now. I can't deal with TeeVee that was Valerie's thing. It depresses me too much to see a show we used to watch. It's not the same without her.

 

I know, it's not the same, it will never be the same, we will never be the same. One of the reasons we're on this site to try to help each other get through this awful journey. When I lost interest in food and still do I get dizzy spells probably from lack of nutrition. I try to force protein down my throat, but it's hard.
Keep trying to eat right, George, vitamins, lot's of water. It's so easy to get dehydrated and fatigued. I buy organic Orgain protein drink from Costco seems to help when I just can't eat real food. I buy grass fed beef patties, freeze them, pull one out every so often.
I stay away from favorites on TV, music and places Jack and used to go to. Maybe someday I can watch and listen, but for now I just can't get more depressed.
I hope you get a good buyer on your house soon. Do you have a place to go after the sell? Blessings George, keep strong, keep upright!. Karen

 

Patti,

It's always so good to hear from you. It's really cold here too. It rained most of the day and is still raining tonight. Whenever it rains this much, there are always flooded houses and roads. I'm very lucky because before we bought our house, Bob checked the map with the flood zones first. Many of my neighbors aren't as lucky as I am, and have to deal with flooding. I feel so badly for them.

I spent most of the day being a couch potato, drinking tea, talking to friends from home, wrapped in a super soft bereavement blanket that my best friend sent to me right after Bob died. It has the most beautiful saying on it.... It always makes me teary eyed... Whenever I wrap myself in it, I (almost) feel like I'm getting a big hug from Bob, and I feel closer to him. I miss him so much...

I hope you're okay... I know how hard this weekend is for you... I'm here if you need me, and I know all TGW will be here for you too.

Sending lots of extra hugs to you and Jaycee (I think this is your "fur baby's name, but I'm dealing with that widow foggy brain thing and not much sleep, so my memory isn't as good as it once was) too, a member of the TGW Therapy Crew (TGW TC), wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

George,

By the time Bob passed away, he was hardly recognizable. I remember about a year ago, my kids were looking at pictures of Bob before he got sick. They were shocked by the change in his appearance. It happened gradually, and started somewhere between the time he was first diagnosed with diabetes to when he had his first heart attack. Prior to his diabetes diagnoses, he had put on some weight, but he still looked like "Bob." Even at the very end of his life, he still had those beautiful blue eyes..., and even though his face was partially paralyzed and it affected his smile..., to me, he still had the most beautiful smile in the entire world. He reminded me of my oldest son's much loved teddy bear, "Teddy," who he dragged with him everywhere he went, that survived way too many baths in the washing machine, zillions of "stitches," lost an eye and lots of "fur" too, but through it all, my son loved him with all his heart... I've been crying as I'm "talking" to you... Going to stop here.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

George Karen is right. you have got to get some nutrition in you and drink plenty of water. No wonder you feel so bad. I do the Costco protein drink too. A decent diet will improve your sense of well-being and make you feel better. Google thrift stores near you. You can find clothes that are like brand new cheap. You just have to check the stitches and buttons. Best time to go is the middle of the week. I’ve found a lot of good clothes there. Gunsmoke was Cheryl’s and my favorite show. I couldn’t dare stand to watch it now. You have got to do it George. you have got to move the feet and take the action. Save yourself. Gary

 

To TGW,

All of your recent messages are so heartbreaking.... I can relate to so much of what you've been talking about, issues around food, hair loss, and looking about at pictures of myself and hardly recognizing myself anymore, like I've aged 10 years almost overnight. Lots I want to say, but I'm still having problems with my internet, so am going to put my chrome book away for the night.

I hope all of us are able to get some sleep tonight. Lack of sleep just makes everything so much worse....

Sending everyone lots of extra hugs, wishing all of us peace. Love you all!!! Goodnight... DEB

 

Karen, I’ve had a rough day today. Reading your post made me cry. I know I’m not alone in what I’m feeling but, somehow the words you chose, were perfect. I thank you for that. I had hair loss too. I can share that the hair loss does let up eventually. My hair is coming back in. I have a sister in law that keeps saying she’s jealous of my weight loss. Really!? She asks if I feel healthier. I want to scream, NO, I feel numb and like a zombie. No one wants to lose weight this way. I’ve told her that.
Thank you for reaching out.
❤️ Robin.

 

Gary,

 

Gary, I can still hear Ron calling out so loud, I think it’s the last thing he said to me. How I wish I answered him back. Not that he doesn’t know the love we shared, but so he could hear me say I love you too. I didn’t realize at the time but all our neighbors were out and witnessed him calling out to me. My last words to him, was that he’ll be ok and I was riding to the hospital with Stacey, and I wouldn’t leave his side. I’ll be there. I know he heard that. I had no reason to believe he wouldn’t be ok.
I think it’s this group of people in particular. That is making it so special and so supportive. This is definitely our greatest resource, no question.
I can just imagine the rush you felt when Cheryl’s heart started beating again. Your words brought her back. I had goosebumps reading that as well. I agree, love is the greatest gift of all.
I have to say you were brave to let them cut your hair without any direction. Glad you were happy in the end. I was supposed to give Ron a haircut the day after he passed. I’m a licensed beautician, but stopped working as one to help run our business.
I hope you’re able to get some sleep, sans your sleep medicine.
❤️ Robin.