Sudden and unexpected

Fbomb, you got me there. Hum!

 

Hello everyone. Today the cornfields are being picked around my home. I know the farming family and they are the ones that give me permission to hunt here. It’s almost as if I have company watching them drive their tractors and trucks in and out of the fields today. But I haven’t spoken to any of them. Robin I think we share the same guilt. While I was getting tested for sleep apnea I kept encouraging Cheryl to do the same. I talked Cheryl into going to the doctor about three years ago. but she didn’t have enough symptoms for the doctor to do a sleep study. When I got my oral appliance I told Cheryl I think you need to get one of these too. Cheryl had an extreme reaction to the Covid vaccination. Within a week Cheryl was given a clean bill of health by neurology. the next step was to go to ear nose and throat. If there had been enough time maybe they could have discovered Cheryl had obstructive sleep apnea. I also felt guilty about how I performed CPR after watching the firemen. The truth is that Cheryl was already gone before I found her. This was Cheryl’s destiny. When I’m sick or sad the Darkside (negative energy) has its way with me. It seems like I get sucked into a dark hole of hopelessness. After losing a loved one it seems to last forever. Lack of power is our dilemma. I need to tap into another energy field. I need more power. I don’t have to define this energy field it’s my choice of who I pray to and who I ask for help from. But when I do I get some answers and direction. the greatest energy field by far is TGW on GIC. George is TUGW (the ultimate grief warrior) but he doesn’t realize it yet. Lou is the Don The godfather of TGW. Robin is the angelic pioneer of TGW. Deb is the denmother of TGW. Karen and Patti are survivalists of TGW. I haven’t figured out what my role is yet. I’m just glad to be here. Extra thanks to Robin for consoling me and Lou thanks for being concerned when I went MIA during the reboot. Keep on keeping on George. I love you man. Gary

 

Lou,

Right now, I feel like I'll never be able to look at my wedding pictures again. I have two pictures of Bob and I that are in the living room. Both of them were taken by our close friend who we traveled with frequently. (He is really into photography and has done weddings.) The pictures are from early spring, 2013, we were celebrating Bob's 59th birthday, and were back in Barbados, where we spent our honeymoon. One of the pictures is of us in the ocean, me in Bob's arms, huge smiles on our faces... The other one was taken the same day, but in the early evening, enjoying before dinner drinks at one of our favorite bars on the cruise ship. Both of us were let's just say, a little too "happy," but it really is a great picture... brings back so many fun, special memories... I can't stop crying... Backing way up to the beginning of this paragraph, these are the only two pictures I'm able to look at. They make me cry, but the tears are happy, mixed with sad.... so bittersweet... I feel closest to Bob whenever I walk by the table that they're on and stop to look at them. I need another tissue...

Backing up just a bit, I'm glad that we were on a cruise ship while were in Barbados and were only able to spend a day there. It had changed so much from years ago... It was so sad... what once was a beautiful place, now was surrounded by buildings with boarded up windows, so much poverty... so sad. One of the reasons we booked this particular cruise was because we had hoped to be able to spend the day at the resort where we spent our honeymoon. I was so disappointed when I called the resort and was told that we couldn't get a day pass (they used to have them), we would have to pay for at least a one night stay. It would have been a very expensive day, plus after the way I was treated on the phone, we had no desire to go back there. We wanted to remember the resort the way it was during one of the very happiest times in our lives. We decided to spend the day at one of the beaches near the cruise ship instead, where our friend took two of my favorite pictures of us together.

The frames they're in also have very special memories attached to them. Prior to the this vacation, we traveled "home," to visit two of our children who were still living in MA at the time, and some of our friends. When we lived in MA, I liked going to the Christmas Tree Shop. Back then, I was always able to find something I loved for a fraction of what I would have paid for it somewhere else. (Stopping here, I'm beginning to sound like a commercial. Also I haven't been to the Christmas Tree Shop in so many years, I have no idea what it's like anymore.) Bob went with me most of the time. We had fun shopping for pictures, lamps, etc., plus they had the most adorable "doggie" bandanas... I would always pick one up for our very favorite "fur baby." She had so many of them, TU!!! I used to "dress" her in one every day. I especially loved the St. Paddy's Day bandana that one of our friends gave her. I'm getting way off track here and starting to really ramble, so I'm going to try to remember what it was that I wanted to say. My brain is a bit less foggy than I thought it was because I remember that I wanted to tell you about why the frames those pictures are in mean so much to me. The day before we left MA, we dropped by the Christmas Tree Shop, and almost as soon as we stepped inside the door, to the right, against the back wall, I spotted those frames. The both of us knew that those frames were meant for us, distressed wooden frames, one in the shape of a fish, the other in the shape of a sailboat, in shades of blue and green, perfect! We didn't put pictures in them right away, I guess they were meant, waiting for us to take that 2013 trip back to Barbados, before being filled.

I need to stop here.... I can't talk about this anymore. Memories of our wedding are flooding my mind... so bittersweet... I can't stop crying.

I hope your trip for reading glasses was a success.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Robin,

I miss all those silly moments together, all those inside jokes so much..., TU!!! I can't believe I once took these things for granted.... All those silly moments..., inside jokes... are some of the everyday things, the simple joy of just sharing ordinary moments together... I miss all those "remember when's" that used to make me laugh so hard that tears would roll down my face. Life is so lonely now... Whenever I'm out, I always either see something or think of something that I know Bob would find funny. It makes me so sad... no one to share all of these silly moments with. It also makes me so sad because I feel like a big chunk of my history has been erased, the part that only Bob and I shared. I need another tissue. I'm such an emotional mess, TU!!!

Still have lots of catching up to do around here, so going to grab another tissue and stop here.

As always, sending you and Teddy hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

George,

I haven't read everything that's been posted since my message to Karen this morning, so I'm hoping your day turned out better than you thought it would, that you managed to have at least a couple of reasons to LMSO... I wish so much all TGW could get together in person too..., TU!!!

Cars can be such money pits, TU!!! I hope even though you're probably thinking the worst, that you're worrying about this way too much, that your car repairs turn out to be much less expensive than you think they will be. Keeping my fingers crossed...

Backing up a bit, when I said "money pit," it brings back memories of that old movie, "The Money Pit" from back in the 80's. When Bob and I were having our home built, the one we raised our children in, the process reminded us of that movie. We didn't find it funny at the time, but once our home was finished, whenever we thought of all the problems we encountered during the process of having it built, we would always laugh. So many inside jokes came out of what was once a really miserable experience. Won't go into the details here, but will tell you that the day we had to move in, the house wasn't completely finished. It was a wet, miserable day, heavy rain, and it was in the winter. I think snow might have been better, less messy. Our house was over 200 feet off the street, no driveway yet, just tons of mud. No outside stairs yet. Our house was on a hill. We had to use planks as stairs to carry in lots of our things. The flooring wasn't finished either. Our three children were very young, all of them sick and miserable. But, and this is one of those BIG BUTS!!!, when the house was finally completed, it was our dream home. It was worth it in the end. I need another tissue... Memories... so bittersweet.

Sending lots of extra hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Robin,

I love that you had picture cards made too. The description of your daughter holding her brother in her arms... it's making me smile big time!!! It's one of those perfect memories, made even more perfect because you got to share this very special moment with family and friends. I also love that you have a very special memory of your mom, at what I'm sure was a very difficult time in your life, as well as in hers, with your children, posing for a Christmas photo. The photos and memories from these special times are absolutely priceless... I don't even think an emotional mess begins to describe me at this moment, but at least, as you always say, and as I've adopted from you, all my tears are happy, mixed with sad..., all my memories now so bittersweet. I'm so grateful for you, for all of TGW, TU!!! No one could possibly "get" this, unless they had to endure the total heartbreak that we're all suffering from.

Thank you so much for the advice. Both you and Karen, and I think Lou agrees with this too, feel that if I need/want to be home alone during the holidays this year, I should do it, do whatever works best for me, whatever I need to do to make it through to the beginning of 2022. I'm going to follow your advice and try not to feel guilty about whatever decision I finally make.

I hope Teddy is a very happy guy, now that his stitches have been removed. I love that he's already growing some peach fuzz. Thanks for the good news!!!

Stopping here, it seems like slow internet service is becoming a regular thing, my chrome book needs caffeine injected IV style again.

As always, sending you and Teddy hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Gary, I think your definition for all of us is perfect. From reading this I feel you need more time, more patience with yourself. For me, I was so anxious to get grief on it's merry way. I became so impatient because I couldn't stand how I felt. I couldn't stand being in that dark hole constantly. I'm not suicidal, but it felt so much like that feeling of wanting to die. As months went by I just gave up trying to get rid of Mr. Grief and let him have his way.

 

Good to be playful with you again, Karen!
Linda had many endearing names for me.
One of them was "brat", when I was
being childish. Another one was "old
grouch" at the other end of the spectrum.
We liked watching the crabby next door
neighbors, played by Walter Mathau &
Jack Lemmon, in "Grouchy Old Men". Lou

 

Jack and I saw that movie too. I promise I won't call you Linda's names. She had you pegged.

 

Deb, sorry I’m just making a quick reply then making some dinner. I hate eating alone and I’ll admit sometimes I pass on eating. There’s no schedule any more. I enjoyed cooking for Ron but having trouble cooking for myself.
Any way, I wanted to share that I got a good report on Teddy. Apparently he took some stitches out himself. But she took the rest out and was happy with everything and how he’s healing. Now I’m supposed to put bacitracin on to help continue the healing. He doesn’t have to go back. Thank you to my TGW friends for all your support. It means so much. Helped me through a rough time. We’re through the worst of it now.
I’ll also share that my first 2 years I never went t in local stores to do shopping. I didn’t want to meet up with people who might hurt me by saying things they feel are ok but really aren’t. Plus I didn’t want to have melt downs is stores that Ron and I went into regularly.
No yes those picture cards are special moments to remember forever. And that time with my Mom was a very difficult time. She got dementia after heart valve replacement surgery.
Deb, I wonder if rebooting your chrome book might help with your internet or rebooting your modem. I’d try your chrome book first.
I know this post is all over the place, sorry about that. Ok now I’m not making dinner I’m meeting daughter to do a few errands she needs to do.
I’ll check in later.
Robin

 

Deb, I was just starting to feel like one of
those pain in the ass dogs, with separation
anxiety, waiting for his owner to return. I .
was going to start "barking" at you. But,
just now, I noticed under your name those
chilling, strange words: " You are ignoring
content by this member" !! This has
happened before, so I simply pressed it,
and there was your moving "memoir".
My surgery was a modern day miracle,
Deb. Before it my extreme nearsightedness
had been made worse with cataracts, and
I couldn't read the 2nd line in the eye
chart. The doctor told me that when I went
home last night that my 2nd eye would
be blurry. I had trouble reading TGW
last night, but managed to tell Robin,
Gary, Karen, & other that I would talk to
them today, but I didn't see you & hoped
you were OK, especially since it's been
only 6 months since Bob's death. The
doctor told me to hold off on the reading
glasses until I see him again. Wben you
mentioned your loving time in Barcelona,
I recalled that was one of Linda's favorite
cities when she went to Europe in the
early 70s. When we watched a travel
show, she was shocked & appalled how
many more people were there, crowding
the plazas she had walked. When we saw
the horrific news of evil terrorists
murdering innocent train passengers, I
told Linda that I was glad she went when
she did. My 2 best memories of travel
with Linda, are when I proposed to her
in beautiful Bermuda, in 1995, and
married her in Las Vegas, also magical.
Before Linda went into the hospital, I
had made train reservations to Orlando,
bc Linda wanted to recapture our happier
days of going to amusement parks, even
Disneyland. We were tired of the winters
& Linda was unhappy that the city she
grew up in, had changed for the worst.We
thought we'd rent down there for a year.
My head told me that Linda, who had a
strong aversion to noise, including crying
babies, would not have been happy there,
I also had qualms about public transportation, since we no longer had a
car. My heart told me to grant Linda's
wish. There's an old saying : " Man plans,
God laughs" When Linda had to go into
the hospital, she turned to me, with sad
eyes that make me choke up now, saying,
" you better cancel our reservations". Little
did I know that our loving marriage
would be "canceled" as well.When you
mentioned the Christmas Tree Shop, I
choked up again ( not your fault), bc
Linda & I went many times in the 90s.
Were you there then? It would have been
like something in a movie, when strangers
pass by each other, and then, know each
other in a future life. Lou

 

Lou,

It's so hard to find my purpose again, after taking care of Bob for so many years. Sometimes I feel like I'm spinning my wheels in mud, stuck, unable to move forward, but needing to so much. I think that part of my purpose might be to adopt a fur baby, hopefully one with the right personality, so I can train him/her to be a therapy dog. I would love to be able to bring a little comfort, a smile, to people in nursing homes and hospitals, and to children in schools, who might need a little extra TLC, in order to become the best possible versions of themselves. I love what you said, "I realized my purpose was in helping, and in being kind to others. In the end, isn't this what life's all about?" You are so right!!! In the end, all that really matters is the connections we make, the relationships we have with others. Everything else is just frosting on the cake.

As always, sending you hugs, and hugs to Guppa too, a member of TGW therapy crew ( TGW TC), wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Haha! Linda would have liked you, Karen.
As I told Deb, Linda was very kind like her.
I think Linda was like you, in your
kindness, sensitivity, wit, and yes,
feistiness........... Lou

 

Karen thanks for the message this morning about hoping we all get our brains going in the right direction. I realized I haven’t been on aarp.org playing staying sharp games. I feel the same way how Cheryl would feel about my progress as you about how Jack would feel. I’ve been thinking about you often and wondering how I will feel in another six months. The facilitator in our grief support meetings constantly reminds us this is no race to the finish line. This is a test of endurance. George I keep forgetting to tell you how much I like the photo of you and Valerie. This might sound corny but I always liked the song by the Monkeys called Valerie. I hope you’re doing ok. The pictures I took of Cheryl and I from my phone are of low quality. There is one of us where our shadows are reflecting off the snow. Lou that Thanksgiving dinner you were describing earlier reminded me of working out of town seven days a week living in a fleabag motel around the holidays just after going through my second divorce while I was sick. I was eating at Wendy’s and Santa Claus was there. I watched the little children go up to Santa. On my way out I thought about telling Santa I wish I could have my right mind back for Christmas. that’s all I want. Patti I’ve been thinking about you. I hope you’re doing OK. Robin and Deb it’s really wonderful seeing you guys supporting each other. it’s very inspirational. I know I’m in the right place. Sleep well everyone. Gary

 

Lou,

I'm so glad, TU!!! that you were only "ignoring" me because of hitting something by accident!!! I was beginning to think I must have said something that must have really offended you. I missed you too, another one of those TU!!! As I told Robin, I'm having trouble with my internet service again, my chrome book needs caffeine injected IV style (if only I could figure out a way to do this!!!). Robin suggested I reboot it. I'm going to give it a try. So, if you don't see me for awhile, you'll at least know I'm ignoring you. I have so much I want to say, I want to respond to this message in detail, so will be back either later tonight or tomorrow. Which reminds me I want to finish my response to Karen from this morning. TGW have been so "talkative" today, I still have lots of catching up to do!!!

Before I go, I have to tell you that once again great minds think alike!!! I think I was "talking" to you at the same time you were "talking" to me. By now that must have been a long time ago. This internet service is way beyond s l o w!!!, TU!!!

Stopping here, but I will be back... BTW, I'm forgiving you for hitting that ignore button because of your recent cataract surgery.

As always, sending you and Guppa, part of TGW TC, hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, that does it. Whenever I see your
reply to me, I'll have to have a full box
of klleenex in front of me, with a
wastebasket at my feet. It was when you
quoted my line, "In the end, isn't that
what life is all about?". The strange
thing is that Linda was the introspective
one. As she became ill, more sedentary,
& didn't want to struggle with her
walker to walk outside, she would look
at me sadly, & sing the theme song of
"Alfie", with Michael Caine. I can't listen
to Dionne Warwick singing, " What's it
all about, Alfie" without seeing Linda's
sad face, and hearing her singing voice.

 

Deb, I think the reason that ALL of TGW
are "talkative", is that it feels like we were
let out of a cage, after the scary rebooting
on Halloween. How appropriate! I think
most of the changes are good, but I have
to use my brain ( not easy when I'm emotional , insecure, & impatient) about
new developments like "ignore" which I
would never consciously do. I AM catching
up on your threads, Deb. I really think you'd be wonderful at training a service
dog. You know a lot more about dogs than
I do. I love Guppa as my occasional
service dog, but now that it's getting a
lot colder on the Neck, I'm walking in
Gloucester & meeting other dogs & their
friendly owners. Soon, the Country
Store will be open only on weekends 'til
Christmas. After that, Barbie will take
Guppa inside, and the Neck will be a
ghost town. Keep your memoir coming,
Deb! As I told Gary, we covered a lot of
emotional grief tonight. I'm exhausted
& going to bed early. Glad I don't have to
set an alarm, like I did for the medical
appointments! Pleasant dreams. Lou

 

HI GARY, AND EVERYONE ,HAVE STARTED
FOUR TIMES TO POST AND IN THE MIDST
OF THEM THEY WENT POOF…. WERE GONE.
I BOUGHT A NEW IPAD, THINKING THAT I
COULD SEE TO READ AND POST EASIER,
CLAIMING IT WILL , MAYBE IN TIME,
HOWEVER ACCEPTING WHATEVER WILL BE.
GARY, JACK WENT TO TRI STATE IN ANGOLA,
I RECALL YOU ASKING. I AM DREADING SUNDAY,
SO THANKFUL TO HAVE FOUND THIS
WONDERFUL SITE , THE SHARING, CARING
FROM EACH AND EVERYONE HERE IN THIS
GROUP, YOU EACH ARE A BLESSING TO ME.
KEEPING YOU ALL IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS.
BLESSINGS,PATTI

 

Gary, I'm not the leader, or "Godfather",
you think I am. Just like an alcoholic has
to struggle every day not to "fall off the
wagon", so, too, do I have to guard myself
from falling into the abyss of grief and
uncertainty about my future. You may
not know that I was in the same small
psychiatric unit voluntarily FIVE times,
all revolving around Linda's death. The
last time was Valentine's Day, 2020. I wonder if I would've gone to that one
if I had GIC back then. I felt alone and.
lost. I have more of a network of friends
now, an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner
with a kind family who has "adopted" me,
and my therapist, who not only handles
my mourning, but guides me through
interpersonal relationships. Lou

 

Patti, everyone here was asking about
you,including me. I wondered how you were dealing with the recent rebooting
of GIC. Some of us didn't do well. Who knows what will happen next, in our
lives? I will go at my own pace & do
whatever we need to do, in our mourning.
Lou






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