Sudden and unexpected

I do believe that is a hoping mechanism. I think there’s a chance they’ll make their way back into your memory. But possibly not. Your strength is so inspiring. I can tell you don’t see it that way. But all of us here, see your strength. Don’t lose hope. We’re in this together.

 

That reminds me of the last lucid night Valerie had. It was almost like normal in as way. She didn't seem as sick. She was able to talk to me. We said our usual silly and happy stuff... it was like a farewell. Then she suddenly asked "how much time do you think I have left?" I said "5 days". There was nothing more to say. We just kinda looked at each other and wew knew. I'm glad we spent the last time being silly... just like in normal times. I couldn't be heavy with her.

 

I don't see it that way! You are right. but I love hearing it... I NEED to hear it. Thank you TGW TY!!!! Thank you! I do not feel strong in any way. I feel like a total incompetent useless failure. I know in my heart this is not true and a massive distortion. Just my self confidence took a massive hit when my strength and rock left me that cold night in February. I am guilty and blame myself for her death. I know this is BS but I can't help it...

 

Robin, thank you for your kind words ,
especially since Ron & Linda died almost
at the same time. It was good to pour my
heart out to George this am. Everyone is
different, Robin., and I understand your
need to see Ron one more time after his
death. I also reached out to Karen this am,
bc she''s suffering with intense mourning
over Jack's death, just one year ago. I agree
with Karen's reply to Deb, that no widowed person should be forced, or feel guilty
about wanting to mourn alone, away
from family & friends. Lou

 

I crave friendship and someone to talk to but if I let myself I'd never get out of bed or say anything anymore. I don't want to do stuff. I have to literally force myself!

 

I’m glad you got to spend your last moments together being silly. I know you’ll keep that moment with you forever. Those moments keep us going. It’s the little things we miss the most I think. Inside jokes etc.

 

I know... that's the hardest part... oh they are all the hardest parts. I do remember that night... she was gone 6 days later.

 

Guilt! It gets us all. But it’s because, I think anyway, that we want to blame someone so we blame ourselves. Ron was healthy, no health issues that we knew of. Gone from our lives in a flash. Yet somehow it’s my fault. Yes, that’s BS. Did I miss signs, I didn’t answer him when he yelled for all the world to know that he loved me. That’s something he always wanted to do from our roof top. He wanted everyone to know how much he loved me. Earlier in the day doing yard work preparing for winter he came inside, said his left arm hurt. I asked him if we needed to go the hospital. He took Advil and said he was ok, thought he pulled a muscle. We went shopping for Thanksgiving, helped my daughter with a house project, he seemed fine. Until 9:30 that night. He ate the soup I made, and felt fine fine. Oh how I wish I forced him to go get checked. But I seriously don’t think I would have won that battle. Guilt is a terrible thing. We all experience it.

 

Robin, I know I've said this repeatedly,


but I urge you and all TGW to read The
Widower's Notebook, which addresses
all our issues, especially guilt. Lou

 

Thank you Lou,
I have trouble reading books, I read and it doesn’t stick. This is since Ron passed. But it’s on my list to read. Thank you. Robin

 

When Patti told me she had trouble with
her vision, she said she was going to try to
get the audio books of both Tom Zuba's
Permission to Mourn, and The Widower's
Notebook, a memoir, by Jonathan Santlofer. Many people here, including
Deb, George, Karen, & Gary, have been
both inspired and comforted by these
books. Wait ' til the time is right for you. L

 

❤️ Thank you!

 

Robin, I agree that it wouldn't have made
any difference . On the weekend before
Linda had to go to the hospital, she had
excruciating back pain. The hospital is
short staffed on weekends, so I gave
Linda Tylenol, Advil, and Motrin. Nothing
worked. On Mon am, she went into the
hospital, for severe back pain, and a lump
in a breast. Not quite 2 months later, Linda
died at the rehab unit of a nursing home,
right after physical therapy, to help her
walk, despite her breast cancer. Lou

 

Deb, that must of been so devastating, Bob stuck in the bathroom and you couldn't help him. I can't imagine the overwhelming fright you must of had. We do things mechanically without thinking, our second sense. You did the best you could at the time. Bless you, K

 

Thank you for sharing that. I do beat myself up for not pushing him harder. Was that pain a sign, very possibly. But he wouldn’t have listened to me anyway. No matter how much I pushed. I can picture him walking in the house and then right hand on left arm. Saying his arm hurts. After our discussion he took Advil and sat in his recliner relaxing. Felt better pretty quickly. He finished what he was working on outside and we went shopping fir Thanksgiving
I didn’t know Linda had breast cancer too.
Robin

 

Lou, thank you. Yes Nov is another crummy month for many of us as Oct was too.
I'm so glad you have Kim and her family which is your family now and you can finally join them this Thanksgiving and hopefully let go of the past holidays that were so painful for you. You've come a long way which gives me and others here hope for the future. Bye-the-way I may need a laugh soon--looking for your typos, they are quite fully I must say.

 

Lou, I'm amazed you took the time to post such a long chapter with your blurry eye. Wow! As I mentioned in a prior post, I'm so very happy you will be with Kim and family and looking forward to it after all the nightmare holidays in the past. I hope those holidays become a blur someday and fade out in years to come.

God speed, K

 

Karen, you may be seeing a LOT of typos
now. Although I can miraculously see
long distances now, without glasses, I'm
having some trouble with reading &
texting, bc my left eye, the 2nd eye, will

be blurry for a week. In Dec, the "foctor"
(!!)will determine whether I need reading
glasses. Until then, enjoy! Both of us need
a laugh, At my local CHEERS like bar on a
Friday night, I'm learning not to be so
sensitive to the bartenders' wisecracks to
me, and I can "dish it out" & fight back!
The bartenders said they kid me bc they
like me. If they didn't like me, they said
they wouldn't bother. Lou

 

Lou, they are right. People tease people because they like them and because they like comebacks. It's a sign of kinship. It's not personal, just dish it out--makes life interesting plus a laugh or two.
I'm glad the "foctor" will determine if you need reading glasses--thank you for my laugh today. Jack would of got a kick out of a typo too. But, I know it's only because your eye is blurry, right? Hum!. another tease. Ok, I'm going to check off for now. K

 

Karen. I have to be honest. I did that
word for doctor ( off color Fbomb, to
make you smile). Lou