First, Deb don't ever feel like you have to be with anyone on the holidays. It's YOUR call and no one knows how you feel. I relented last Nov after Jack died. The family wanted to bring all the dinner and all I had to do it open the door. I said OK. As the day went on everyone was laughing, cracking jokes and just being themselves. I know they were trying to make it the same holiday as always and to cheer me up. Guess what? All I wanted to do is go in by bedroom and be alone.
As far as tomorrow, 1st year without Jack -- this is how I feel. I've taken two days of misery thinking about the anniversary. On the 4th he died at 5:30PM in my living room in a hospital bed.
I couldn't say goodbye because I was in the kitchen when he passed. My daughter was with me. This is what I did, I called the family to let them know. I called hospice, nurse came to do paperwork and arrange for his departure to a funeral home. The nurse had the gall to ask me how did we meet? Funeral home came and zipped him up in a white gurney bag, I lost it then, but still a Robot.
Next day they came to pick up all the equipment. Me still a robot, immediately cleaned up, arranged the living room back to normal and slept in my bed after weeks of sleeping on the couch in the living room getting up 2-3 times a night for arranging his body for comfort and meds.
Next day to the funeral home for arrangements. My walnut urn didn't arrive in time so I had to have them put Jack's askes in a lunch pale. But, that was okay with me because I knew he would come home to me after cremation. After 10 days he came home to me his urn arrived and I made a special place for him right next to me in the computer room.
So, I don't know if anyone of you have felt like me, I went through everything as a Robot, seriously, numb and in shock.
How do I feel now? I'm cranky, short tempered with people with no reason to be so, depressed, like Gary said where do we go from here?
Thank for reading and I wish to everyone let's keep our brains working in the right direction if that makes sense. Blessings to you a
ll, K
Karen, had to skim your post, bc my
eyes are blurry,like the 1st time.But, I
can see enough that it's been only one
year since Jack died. I am so sorry about
the misery you feel, that no one, but us
TGW can begin to understand. Although
I often say how The Widower's Notebook
captures MOST of the feelings that the
author, Jonathan , had, when he saw his
wife,Joy, die right in front of him, I went
one step further. Unlike Jonathan,, and
you, he had a grown daughter, and many
friends, I had no one, except for the kind
woman, who could be the age of my
daughter, if I had one. Kim owned a
restaurant across from Linda's rehab/
nursing home. She never met Linda, but
would give me food that I could share
with her in her room. As I've told Deb,
Kim's whole family, her parents and her 2
teenage kids, has "adopted " me. Like
Robin, whose husband, Ron, died suddenly
in late Nov ( a very sad month for you,
Robin, Deb,Gary, & others here besides
me), Thanksgiving will never be the same
without our soulmates.As you know, Karen, a year after Linda died, I was a
mess: drinking more, staying out late,
to numb my pain. All that did, was make
me rundown, get the flu, TWICE, in Oct
and Nov, and become so lonely and
depressed that I had to take a cab to the
ER, and from there , a voluntary 5 night
stay in the same psychiatric unit that I
went to right after Linda's sbocking death,
which made me have PTSD. Like you,
even though I was a zombie, I was
forced to make decisions without Linda,
my wife of 25 years. by my side. My
biggest decision is that I was forced to
find an apartment, & move out of the
winter motel, where I was staying, while
Linda was in the nursing home. This was
only 4 months after Linda died. Thank
God. Kim, with her young son, were able
to helpme move the small stuff, donate
Linda's clean clothes,into my current
apartment, & I had to call a moving co,
to take my furniture, out of storage. Looking back, I don't know how I did it,
but I knew I had no choice. I was invited
to Thanksgiving, 2019, but had just been
discharged from the psych unit and
declined. When Thanksgiving, 2020, and
2021,came around, I was invited again,
but declined again. This time, I bought
chicken for myself, and wanted to be
alone, in my mourning, in the quiet of
my apartment. Finally, this year, 3 years
since Linda's death, I'm looking forward
to sitting down with Kim's family, for the
holiday. I agree with what you said to Deb.
None of us should be forced to join a
celebration, while we are in mourning.
I love your strength and sense of humor,
and, above all your caring nature to
reach out & comfort other TGW, like me.
When I wake up in the morning,the first thing I do, is to check in with my friends
here, who are available 24/ 7. I'm glad
that you, and now, Stacey, live in a 3 hour
different time zone, so I can find either
one of you if I wake up in the middle of the night----like now. I will be thinking of you
today, Karen. What I have to do this am,
is routine, and I did it the first time. I'm
glad you're reaching out to us on your 0
saddest of days. My eyes must be better
this morning, than they were last night,
bc I can see enough to write to you. Lou
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