Sudden and unexpected

I had one advantage over you, George.
After Linda died, I was wracked with
horrible guilt, uncontrollable sobbing,
suicidal thoughts, and PTSD. It took
months with a psychiatric nurse practioner / grief counselor, before I
could move to my current apartment. Lou

 

George,

You made me laugh when you said, "I keep second guessing myself but then I tell my brain to shut up cuz I'm in charge of it." I'm so emotionally and physically drained/exhausted, that even the simplest decision, like whether or not to take a light weight jacket when I went for my walk earlier today, had me second guessing myself several times before I finally hit the pavement (without one.) Way too sad...

I don't know too much about your situation, but one suggestion Lou gave me when I mentioned that I wanted to move, was to rent something first. This would give me time to decide if I really want to put roots down in that area. Maybe this might be something that would work out well for you. You would have more time to think about where you want to live. You wouldn't have to tell your brain to shut up as much!

Lost my train of thought. While I was in the middle of "talking" to you, I got a text from my friends who Bob and I always vacationed with. The husband is a photographer. He and his daughter who is visiting my friends, went through over 50,000 pictures and organized them!!! Must have brought back lots of fun, very special memories... He told me that many of the pictures are from vacations Bob and I took with them. He said when I can handle it emotionally, he's going to share them with me. Of course this made me cry... but mostly happy tears. It really SUCKS BIG time when I think that from here on out, all of life is probably going to be bittersweet, happy mixed with sad... Grieving SUCKS BIG TIME!!!

Stopping here, my brain is fried.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou I laughed my ass off when I read your last thread. I think we all walk the tight rope of sanity and insanity. I know I sure do. I have an extreme reaction to life and life’s stimulus. When you guys were talking about guilt I remember being in the hospital when Cheryl died. The nurse asked me about the skin cancer on Cheryl‘s back. When I first met Cheryl we slept together I told her she needed to get that mole checked out and she did. And treatment was given. Fast forward moving in together and sleeping in own bedrooms. I had forgotten about that until The nurse ask about it. It had no effect on the end results but I was hit with a huge wave of guilt. I can’t believe it I just had about 15 to 20 minutes of mindfulness in my backyard looking over a standing cornfield towards the horizon. I concentrated only on the sounds I heard and my breathing. I called out to Cheryl with I love you. I finally put my brain in neutral. I feel lighter now. Blue Jays are really getting active now. I’m rambling on. Hugs. Gary

 

I'm glad you laughed your sad off, Gary,
bc you & I are brothers in grief. As a 72
year old widower, I won't put up with any
crap, & will fight back. No one else besides
our wonderful group knows the torture
we've been through. Thanks for giving me
a laugh, too! Correction: ass, not "sad",but
that would work, too. Lou

 

Lou,

It makes me so sad to hear that you don't remember your father ever giving you a hug. I can't imagine what that must be like for a child... I believe that God sent Steven and Betsy to you in your hour of need too. I'm so glad that you have such good friends... In the scheme of life, all that really matters are our relationships with others. The rest is either just "garbage" or frosting on the cake (I haven't used this expression in years!!!).

Thank you Lou, for saying you're proud of me for going to that restaurant yesterday. I get teary eyed every time I think about it... I'm so sorry to hear about your experience in the post office right after Linda died. When those grief bursts hit, they hit hard. There is no way to stop the flood of tears!!! When Bob first died, similar to how you dressed, I went everywhere I could incognito, floppy straw hat, big sunglasses... never leaving the house without lots of tissues. I still wear my sunglasses everywhere I can, sometimes even inside Walmart or the grocery store. Triggers SUCK BIG TIME, TOTAL UNDERSTATEMENT!!!

In my last message to George, I told him that my friends who Bob and I vacationed with, the husband and their daughter, the one visiting from Washington, went through over 50,000 pictures and organized them. It took them a week!!! Long story short, my friend said lots of them are from vacations that the four of us took together. He said when I can handle it emotionally, he's going to share them with me. Of course, even "talking" about this now, has me in tears... You were so right when you said we're keeping the Kleenex company in business!!!

I hope at this very moment, you're at the Tea Room, enjoying a wonderful evening with some of your very best friends. Of course this makes me smile. I hate!!! this seemingly endless roller coaster ride of emotions!!!

Once again, I forgot to defrost something for dinner. Might have to get creative. Going to check out what I have in my pantry...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Dear Deb I was just wondering are you trying to handle all this grief without any medications. I’m doing 450 mg of bupropion daily. I cringe at the thought of what I would be like if I didn’t take this stuff. To me the bottom line in the journey through grief is to be kind to ourselves. I have been hardwired most of my life to blame myself for about anything that went wrong. Finally I broke that demon spell. I Felt the same way when I went to Walmart the first time after Cheryl died. Of course I always started shopping at 7 AM and would get in and out as fast as I could. The first time I was Shopping there was a song playing on the intercom why did you leave me why did you die. I retreated to a desolate place in the store and Did some Serious grieving. I hope you realize how helpful you are to everybody in our journey. Lou I think you’re onto something big time. Laugh my sad off is the best way to say it. That should be our mantra our most famous slogan when we’re trying to lift our spirits. Laugh you’re sad off. Or laughed my sad off. I can’t stop laughing. I better stop rambling. Thanks everyone. Peace. Gary

 

Lou,

This is one of those super quick texts!! (As always, Bob would be quick to comment on this.) I can't listen to music that Bob and I loved without crying, and I'm not just talking crying, I'm talking a MAJOR flood!!! I can't listen to music that I love, that Bob listened to just for me either. Many times, while I'm walking, that old song, "Dust In The Wind," by Kansas, will invade my brain. Whenever it does, I need just about every tissue I have with me. I think not being able to listen to music without crying is sort of a common thing for those of us who have had our hearts broken..., our dreams shattered. My friend who lives near me, couldn't listen to any music for the first year. After the first year, she had to find different kinds of music to enjoy. As Janis Joplin said at the end of Mercedes Benz, "that's it."

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

I was trying all day to post these files. I was thinking about Diana Ross someday we’ll be together when I was thinking about Cheryl this afternoon. Peace to all and to all a good night. Gary

 

Gary,

I'm doing it solo. Well, wait... I have to take melatonin in order to sleep at night. When Bob first died, my doctor gave me a script for a sleeping pill that supposedly is less habit forming than some. I picked it up at the pharmacy but didn't take it. A few days later I bought melatonin. It's become my night time buddy. Long walks in combination with melatonin seem to help. Prior to 2016, I used to take classes at the gym. I was into HIIT workouts, but had to give them up because of some health issues. I also used to run, but had to give that up too. I tried spinning for awhile, low impact, but found it boring. Exercise, and spending time outside, have always been my go to methods for dealing with all emotional issues. I get so frustrated at times, because I know how much a quick aerobic fix can brighten my mood. I miss running so much...

I totally agree with you. We have to be kind to ourselves, take care of ourselves the best we can. I'm so glad, total understatement!!!, (those last two words just seemed to type themselves), you were able to stop blaming yourself for just about everything that went wrong. I can't even begin to imagine how miserable that made you feel... It makes me sad thinking about it.

Earlier,(more internet issues tonight, might have to break down and call my internet provider, but that's almost as bad as having to have a root canal) I sent Lou a message about music, about how it evokes such powerful emotions in us. I can relate to you having to find a deserted place in Walmart to do some serious grieving. I've been there, done that too. This is one reason why I will often wear my sunglasses inside the grocery store and places like Walmart. Triggers are everywhere... There is no way of knowing when one is going to suddenly appear, and cause the flood gates to open. I hope the Kleenex company appreciates everyone at GIC!!!
Lately, as I mentioned to Lou, when I'm walking "Dust In The Wind," by Kansas, starts playing in my head. Whenever it does, I'm a total emotional mess. I end up using every tissue I have with me. GRIEVING SUCKS BIG TIME!!!

It makes me smile knowing that you think in some small way, I'm helping everyone here. Honestly, I think all of you are helping me much more than I'm helping you.

Ending this on a much better note, I hope all of us find at least one reason to "laugh our sad(s) off tomorrow, total understatement!!!

I would "talk" to you longer, but this internet is driving me batty. I think I'll find something mindless to watch, and veg out in front of the tube for awhile.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Goodnight Everyone,

I hope everyone is able to get some quality sleep.

I hope tomorrow all of us have at least one reason to "laugh our sad(s) off!!!" (Great line Lou!!!)

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, your timing is PERFECT! Steven &
Betsy just drove me home from Tea Room!
It felt like a dream, when I introduced
them to Kim. Kim said she felt she knew
them ( she did talk with them on the
phone one time). I pointed out that Kim
had given me a bone China cup from the
U.K., bc the tea tastes better. I think she's
right. I also said that Kim mounted 2
paintings on my wall, & gave me 2 lamps,
to brighten my apartment, on those long,
dark nights of winter. I joked that Kim
& her parents "adopted" me at 72. Kim
laughed, bc that's the age of her parents.
Kim said I was a wonderful man, and I
said, "Stop it, Kim, or I'm going to cry".
I introduced S&B to a lot of people, and we
had a good time. I think I told George,
Gary, and you, that the 3 of us walked on
the Neck, and they were able to meet all
the people I write to them about. I would
like them to meet Ginny, and possibly,
Lorraine, if she's not busy. Thanks for
writing to me tonight. I'm tired, but, in
a good way, about all the excitement of
yesterday & today. Glad I have my 11am
phone therapy in the morning. Sleep
well, Deb. Lou

 

Deb, I confess that I hate the song, "Dust
in the Wind"! Another one I'm not too
crazy about, is,"Slip Slidin' Away", by
Paul Simon, but I do sometimes listen to
it bc of the melody. I never jogged, so I
don't know the benefits you mentioned.
If it's any consolation, jogging and hard
aerobics can be tough on the knees. I prefer walking outside, either fast or
slow. But, if I walk fast, I want good
sneakers & a smooth ground, so I don't
trip & fall again. Well, as I said in my other
reply, I'm pleasantly tired, and hitting the
hay, soon. Pleasant dreams . Lou

 

Quick suggestion that helped me, Deb.
I tried to listen to happy songs, or ones
with a good beat, like Hootchie Cootchie
Man, by Muddy Waters. That was a song
I liked BEFORE Linda, so that it was not
one we listened to together. Your ability
to hear music, without crying, will
gradually happen, step by step. In
Jonathan's book, he couldn't bear to go to
the movies by himself. I recently went to
our small town theater to see an old
movie, and it was great. Linda & I had
given up on theaters a long time ago, bc
of the noisy. inconsiderate crowds, where
we lived. But, this time, it was at 4pm, and
there were just a few elderly, quiet
couples. Now that I did it once, I know
I can do it again. Lou

 

Gary. glad you & Deb liked "laughed the
sad off". The funny thing is that it was
a typo, that I didn't plan, but now, I like it, too!

 

Lou,

As that old saying goes, "timing is everything!, glad my message arrived just as Steven and Betsy dropped you off. I love!!! that Kim helped make your apartment feel like home, helping you hang paintings, giving you a couple of lamps, and especially that bone china cup. Every time you make yourself a cup of tea, it's sort of like getting a big hug from Kim. It makes me smile knowing that you finally got to introduce Steven and Betsy to so many people, and that all of you had a fun night. Linda would be so happy knowing that you're living your life to the fullest extent possible without her here with you, total understatement!!!

I don't think I mentioned this, but not even two weeks after Bob died, I got a summons for jury duty. When I called and spoke with the clerk and told her there was no way I could do this, she asked if she could reschedule me for November. She thought I would be okay by then (This quick fix society we live in really SUCKS BIG TIME!!!). I was an emotional wreck. All I wanted to do was to get off the phone. I said okay and we hung up. Last week, I got another summons. I called the clerk again. She said that she could delay it until April, but it's pushing it. I told her I needed to think about this, and she told me to call her back this afternoon. After thinking things through, I decided that I'm going to make an appearance on the 8th. I will explain exactly how I'm feeling, especially that I have trouble retaining information, trouble sleeping, and that at any moment, without warning, something could trigger a memory of my late husband, and have me in tears. It isn't fair to the defendant, and I hope, total understatement!!!, they dismiss me. A TBC with (hopefully) a good ending...

Yesterday, I got a call from the wife of a couple who used to live across the street from me. They were the best neighbors anyone could ever want!!!. Their daughter moved in with them several years ago, to help take care of them as they age, and works from home. The daughter decided that she needed more space, so they sold their house, and purchased another one in the same town. The wife wants to get together and have lunch with me. She has a heart of gold, and always let me know that she was here if I needed her, as Bob became more frail and unable to take care of himself. I'm looking forward to getting together with her, but will definitely have to make it at a place that doesn't have any memories for me. Backing up a bit, someday I'll tell you more about C. Another one of those TBC's...

It's freezing this morning, in the 50's. I can (almost) hear you laughing all the way from MA. I had trouble sleeping last night, woke up late, and am just finishing breakfast. I'm so tired... I feel like I need caffeine injected IV style. I'm going to pour myself another cup of coffee, and hope it "kicks in" soon... That walk will have to wait...

I hope your morning is going well, that you have a good therapy session with Bob.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

It's okay that you hate "Dust In The Wind," because if all of us liked all the same things, life would be so boring, total understatement!!! I need to follow your advice, and listen to happy songs, but the problem is whenever I'm feeling really down, so many sad songs invade my brain, never happy ones. I haven't been able to listen to any music at all since Bob died, but maybe I'll try listening to some music that makes me feel good again. Life just isn't the same without tunes, total understatement!!!

I remember the part about Jonathan not being able to go to the movies without Joy too. I'm glad that like Jonathan, you were finally able to go to a movie by yourself and enjoyed it. This was such a big step forward for you. I like that now that you did it once, you know you can do it again. You give me so much hope, that someday, I will be able to enjoy all the things that Bob and I enjoyed together, alone.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

P.S. Good sneakers and smooth ground are so important!!! No more falls!!!

 

Well here it is another Monday! I'm freezing in the house. Don't want to turn on heat yet.. and what if about stuff like the furnace working! Grieving does suck big time. Every morning I just keep thinking here I go gotta "Do it Again" . I definitely want to rent. I am so done with house owner4ship and upkeep and I'm very guilty about that too because since I got the kidney disease I don't want to do anything a responsible homeOwner should do. Like the guy next door whose always out there painting, trimming, mowing! Where does he have the energy! Today I hope to move forward the RealEastate person's coming by to let me know how much more I need to do top get this place ready... I ramble too... Talk to ya later! Much love!

 

Deb, perfect timing AGAIN! Saw your message while having breakfast at Two
Little Birds Eatery, but couldn't reply to you until after session with Bob. This is the
first time you've referred to a friend, by
using a 1st letter, C, for a name. I do that
for N, bc he was in the military & shares
his stories, with me, but not to many others. I miss N. He doesn't come down
to the Neck, bc he has only Sun off. He
just moved out of his parents' house, and
I'm happy for him. He was feeling down
on Sunday, & texted that he couldn't
come to Tea Room, and meet Steven &
Betsy. Maybe some other time. As for jury
duty, I served on one, while I was working,
in my 40s. I will tell you that it was a
stressful experience. If you ever saw the
original movie of 12 Angry Men, with
Henry Fonda, you'd see what I mean. I
went to my doctor, and told him that
with my manic depression, serving on a
jury again, would be way too stressful.
This doctor was a stiff, and argued with
me about his approving a permanent
pass from being summoned. It took my
crying, pleading voice on the phone, to
convince him. I've learned that people
can blow you off easier on the phone, &
I had to stand up for myself. Linda
had diabetes, and the stress of traveling
to the courtroom, was too much. They
kept postponing her summons, until
she finally went to the doctor to get out of
it. Funny thing is that 70 is the cut off,
but you're not there yet. I'm not laughing
at you about being cold. The reality is that we're halfway through Oct, and there's a
real chill in the am. I walked to the store
this am, in my hoodie, a Army
camouflage hat ( with visor, to hold the
hood in place), and prescription sunglasses. The older woman at the cash
register, didn't recognize me. I joked with
her that I was cold this morning. When I
looked at myself in the mirror, I thought
I resembled the Unibomber, and scared
myself. We both laughed. Lou

 

George, you may want to rent IF your
landlord is a decent person, who will
fix problems that may arise. Linda & I
owned a house at one time, and it was a
neverending process of maintenance:
cleaning, fixing, yard work, etc.). Later,
we rented from landlords, some good
some not. I like my current apartment,
bc the mowing, raking, and shoveling
in winter, is done by management. I can
have time to relax, and walk outside,
without feeling guilty. The landlady
leaves me alone, I pay my rent on time.
If a problem arises, the landlady gets
workers to fix it. As I told Deb, renting
may be a good option for you. House
prices can be so high. Lou