Sudden and unexpected

Karen.

I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this weekend is for you... I wish I had some words of wisdom, but right now, I can't even begin to think about planning Bob's Celebration of Life. Just thinking about it, makes me cry... Take care of yourself the best you can. All of your GIC friends will be here for you when you get back.

Sending lots of extra hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

Just a bit of comic relief, I think that the first word, fourth line up from the bottom, should be "things." This isn't the first time you've made this typo. I hope you find that woman soon, lol!!!

Sleep tight...

 

Thankz Deb! I so totally get wanting to be alone! I do yet I don't (want to be alone) Nothing makes sense right now! Everything is so opposite to each other. My moods change it seems from moment to moment! Almost finished the WN... It is so powerful and moving...

 

Friday was a real weird day. Had 1-800Junk pick up a ort of big heavy old and not needed stuff. It is so hard to get rid of a past life in order to move forward. All the support and love I am getting from all of you helps make me able to do this. Still not easy. The adventures today involve dialysis and that's not fun... oh well. Had enough fun for 33 years. Now to work forward. Hope you get through today peacefully!

 

Lou I like the thought of living a Zen existence. The more stuff I have the more complicated my life is. I’ve peaked out on the acquisition of stuff and now stuff is starting to leave here. I like how you said you have to get rid of Linda stuff while keeping her spirit alive. One of the reasons I keep going to my therapist is that she keeps talking about a Zen garden. The therapist gave me a plastic dish with a lid filled with blue sand a small fork spoon combo utensil. For now she said just work the sand. free your mind and work the sand while pushing all thoughts out of your head. It is very relaxing. The song ramble on by Led Zeppelin has been playing constantly in my head. My interpretation of it is the guy loses The queen of all of his dreams to the evil one. But he keeps on rambling on. He’s got a find his girl he’s going around the world. But my interpretation is that he’s searching the spiritual world for her. I think we’re all rambling on trying to find the true meaning of life. We Will never have them physically in this world but are trying to keep the spiritual connection alive. One of the games on the AARP staying sharp site is called bubble Topia. Bubbles float up from the bottom of the screen of all kinds of positive and negative emotions. The goal is to keep clicking on the positive emotions. Emotions like love peace serenity contentment happiness comfort tenderness joyous elated and on and on. After playing the game for about 15 minutes I will have a slight increase in my mood. Keep moving the feet Deb. It’s the action we take that sets us free. Extra hugs today. I wonder too if I can keep going. when I see George working as hard as he is I know I can take the pain too. Ramble on. Gary

 

Good Morning Everyone,

It's a bright, sunny start to the day. I just got back from a short walk. Still feeling really sad... Way too many triggers, total understatement!!! Way too many tears... But and this is one of those BIG BUTS..., at least, as Robin says, they're happy mixed with sad. Although a part of me just wants to curl up on the couch and hope the day passes by quickly, I'm very glad that a friend is picking me up at noon. We're going to a Thai restaurant that has a pretty patio, so we can sit outside and enjoy a leisurely lunch. As George said yesterday, but I know both Lou and Gary have said this many times too, connections and being able to mourn, are necessary in order for healing to take place.

George and Gary, I hope both of you are feeling better today. George, having 1 800 Junk pick up all the rest of Valerie's things, is such a huge step in the right direction. I'm so proud of you. I know Valerie would be too, knowing that you're doing everything you can to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and to move forward without her. I hope you find a nice place to live, one where you feel you can stay, and begin to build a foundation for a better life.

Gary, like you, nature is the best!!! I hope you enjoy your trip, and return home feeling much better. I love all the steps you're taking to help yourself move forward. I know Cheryl would be very proud of you, the same way Valerie would be very proud of George.

Lou, saved you for last because you inspire all of us with how far you've come since Linda's death. You have not only managed to rebuild your life, but have been able to make so many new and interesting friends while doing so. After almost three years, you've found happiness. Although your happiness will always be mixed with sadness, you are finally having many more happy moments than sad ones. Linda would be proud of you, and so happy too. Stopping here, before I really get going!

I hope Karen is doing okay with the support of her children, and that this weekend doesn't turn out as miserable as she expects it to be. I hope Teddy and Robin are both okay. And, I hope Patti is feeling at least a little better each day.

I hope everyone, and all of our new members who I'm sorry that I haven't been able to get to "know" you yet, has at least one, but hoping many more happy moments than sad ones today...

I need a shower!!, so stopping here.

As always, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

When I move I need to get me a Zen dish... It is so interesting reading this today after the Junk people took most of the rest of the big stuff. I feel so empty and hopeless and yet I feel better a minute later... these cascading emotions. I work hard cuz I need to. I totally appreciate you noticing my crazed efforts.

I love that interpretation of the Zepp song too.

 

Wow, Gary, my hat's off to you for your
searching for meaning & serenity, in this
frenetic world. Remember the line: "stop
the world, I want to get off"? Just got my
daily quotation from Center for Loss. It
was by Lily Tomlin, about the benefits of
slowing down. and how that applies to
those of us in mourning. Lou

 

Dear sweet Deb, I'm honored & humbled
that you saved me "for last". I benefit from
the fact that Linda's death was almost 3
years ago, so the emotions are not as raw
as everyone else's here. Amazingly, I'm
NOT crying every morning this week,
like I had been. One big reason is that
I'm excited about introducing Steven &
Betsy to my friends on the Neck, later
today, and to have dinner at Shack bar
at 5pm tonight. We recall so well that
quiet night in Nov, 2019, when they sat
opposite Lyle & me at the bar. They listened to the hard drinking sea captain
& his quieter companion ( me), and were
intrigued. I simply asked them where they
were from, and the rest was history. All
of us believe there's no such thing as
coincidences. We believe that God sent
Steven & Betsy, in my hour of need, one
year after Linda's death. I stopped drinking soon after that. Tomorrow night,
they will meet Kim, with whom they talked on the phone once. Kim & her
parents feel the same way we do. Wish
our Grief in Common group could meet
in person. I feel like I know everyone
here, even though we've never met. Then
again, I never met my current therapist,
Bob, but I like our Monday phone therapy
sessions. Well, Deb, on to the Neck! "See
you later"! Lou

 

[QUOTE
George, so glad you're almost done with
Jonathan's book. You may want to
consider buying a copy. I usually borrow
books from the library, like you do, but I
want to reread chapters of this book. It's
almost like a Bible for me, and gives me
great comfort, which is why I emailed the
author to thank him, and he warmly
replied. Hope you have a good weekend,
George, after your traumatic week. Lou
E="Gary166, post: 20862, member: 26616"]Lou I like the thought of living a Zen existence. The more stuff I have the more complicated my life is. I’ve peaked out on the acquisition of stuff and now stuff is starting to leave here. I like how you said you have to get rid of Linda stuff while keeping her spirit alive. One of the reasons I keep going to my therapist is that she keeps talking about a Zen garden. The therapist gave me a plastic dish with a lid filled with blue sand a small fork spoon combo utensil. For now she said just work the sand. free your mind and work the sand while pushing all thoughts out of your head. It is very relaxing. The song ramble on by Led Zeppelin has been playing constantly in my head. My interpretation of it is the guy loses The queen of all of his dreams to the evil one. But he keeps on rambling on. He’s got a find his girl he’s going around the world. But my interpretation is that he’s searching the spiritual world for her. I think we’re all rambling on trying to find the true meaning of life. We Will never have them physically in this world but are trying to keep the spiritual connection alive. One of the games on the AARP staying sharp site is called bubble Topia. Bubbles float up from the bottom of the screen of all kinds of positive and negative emotions. The goal is to keep clicking on the positive emotions. Emotions like love peace serenity contentment happiness comfort tenderness joyous elated and on and on. After playing the game for about 15 minutes I will have a slight increase in my mood. Keep moving the feet Deb. It’s the action we take that sets us free. Extra hugs today. I wonder too if I can keep going. when I see George working as hard as he is I know I can take the pain too. Ramble on. Gary[/QUOTE]

 

Hi Deb and everyone...Just responding on here to all the great messages I received lately. I still kinda hate everything (not the people on here!) but it does feel cleansing to get rid of all the stuff we've acquired... I feel so empty yet eager to move forward. These conflicting emotions are no fun! Today, for the first time since July, I went for a walk. My town is maybe a mile and a half away . I live in a boring subUrb of residential tracts and a park so I walked along the train tracks to downtown LaGrange and meandered a lot because there was nothing else to do except serious stuff. I need a break from that! It was good as I walked I talked to Valerie so everyone if they weren't staring at their phones would have thought I was talking to myself! The day was chill with a brisk cold wind but the sun sure felt good! I didn't talk to anyone There were no interactions but it felt good to get out of the house that is no longer a home. I want to be more consistent with walking... I keep forgetting. It was cool to see the world going on even if I felt totally disconnected from it. I saw a couple cool freight trains, I used to do railroad photography when I was into stuff.
I second the desire for more happy moments than sad ones! Love G.

 

Good for you for getting outside & walking, George! I love trains. When I was 15, I was lucky to go on a cross
country trip with my folks, back when
they were fun & adventurous. I wss
a little disappointed there was no real
dining car, as in Murder on the Orient
Express, but I loved looking out my
little bedroom, at the small towns & farms. Just watch out on tracks! Lou

 

Wow George your post was so inspiring I had to read it twice. Deb I appreciate your nurturing spirit which we all benefit from. I hope your time out was as good as George’s. Lou it is so good to see someone that has moved so much further in their grief and like you said all our emotions are raw. it’s so good to see you coexisting with so many people and not being afraid to share your emotions wherever you go. I wonder if GIC could set up any zoom meetings? I don’t feel as comfortable as I used to at my in person 12 step recovery meetings. I’ve been doing zoom meetings lately and it’s a more emotionally safe environment. Happy mixed with sad is a hard concept to comprehend. But I guess it is the Yin and the yang of life. It seems easier when the good and bad things happen over a longer period of time. I think my emotional roller coaster rides are in 15 minute intervals. I have a load of memories to take to Goodwill next week. I look at all the Home improvement projects that Cheryl and I did together. I can’t believe how much Cheryl improved my standard of living and Quality of life. I have to keep asking myself what would Cheryl want for me? The same I would want for her. to do anything she could to stop the suffering and be happy. It’s so confusing. I did have a nice walk out in the woods. It needs to get a lot colder because the mosquitoes are very bad. Great fellowship today. I think I’ll ramble on. Hugs and peace through space. Gary

 

Thanks for your kind words about me,
as usual, Gary. You & Deb have a great
way of summarizing our latest stories.
At Shack bar, with my non alcoholic
drink & cup of haddock ( local fish)
chowder. Waiting for Steven & Betsy,
from Lancaster, Pa. They live on a farm
near Amish country. I met them one
quiet night at this bar, in Nov, 2019,
a year after Linda died. I struck up a
conversation, simply asking where they
were from. Before COVID, this place was
packed with locals & tourists from all
over the U.S. and around the world. We
are known for our beautiful ocean views,
fresh fish & lobster, our quaint shops and
art galleries. My friends try to visit Cape
Ann every March & Oct, bc they love the
ocean. Steven is about 54, a psychotherapist, who was very kind to
listen to me. He's also became my penpal,
the old fashioned way. He sends postcards
from the farms of Pa., and I send them of
the sea. As I may have mentioned, I don't
really want to ZOOM. I don't even know
what my therapist looks like, but I like
our Mon am phone therapy sessions. I'm
sorry your group has become disappointing. You sound like you could
be a group leader yourself, Gary. Lou

 

George,

Reading this is making me smile... In the short time I've "known" you, I'm amazed at the progress you're making. Just like you, I felt so much better after all of Bob's clothing, etc., etc., etc., (that I didn't want to keep) was out of the house and at Goodwill. There are still a few things in the garage that I'm not sure I want to keep, but they have sentimental value. I cry whenever I see them, and I doubt I'm ever going to use them, but I just can't let go of them (just yet.) I guess this is another one of those TBCs...

I'm so glad you took a walk today!! Just being outside, fresh air, some sunshine, seems to make everything just a little bit better. I find that making a schedule of the things I want to accomplish every day, gives me a purpose, adds some structure to my life. Most days, taking a walk is on my to do list. After awhile, it sort of becomes a habit. A fitness instructor said to me once, a long time ago, "it's the days you want to do it the least, that you need it the most." She is so right!!

Have you found a place where you want to live? If you already mentioned this somewhere, I'm sorry!! I have trouble keeping up with all the messages lately. I keep blaming it on this widow foggy brain thing.

When I'm in the house, I talk to Bob like he is still here with me, all the time. I'm always "talking" to him in my mind, when I'm out running errands, taking a walk, etc., etc., etc., Although in my head, I know he's gone, my heart has a very difficult time accepting this. I believe he's watching over me, and I guess, in a way, he's still here with me. He'll always have the biggest place in my heart.... I'll always have beautiful memories to cherish forever... but, and this is another one of those BIG BUTS, it doesn't take away any of the pain of him not being here physically.

I love that you used to do railroad photography. I hope you'll feel like getting back into it sometime, but I understand how hard it is to be creative when you feel like all the creativity has been zapped right out of you, total understatement!!!

I also understand what you mean when you said "it was cool to see the world going on even if I felt totally disconnected from it." I truly "get" what you mean. It sucks!!!

Somehow, with everyone's help, we will get through this together!!! I don't think we're still on this earth just to be miserable. I know Valerie would be very proud of you for all you've accomplished in such a short period of time.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

I totally agree. You, Steven and Betsy were meant to meet, just like I was meant to meet my friend who lives a couple streets away from me. I know God hears all of our prayers, and as you said, "helps us in our hour of need." Although I'm trying to accept what Tom Zuba says about all of us being here for just the right amount of time, like Karen and Linda did, I still struggle with this. However, I do believe that we have no control over when our loved ones are taken from us. I'm probably not making much sense, so instead of going on and on and on, like that "Energizer Bunny," stopping here (for now.)

I'm beginning to feel like I know everyone here too. It feels so good to stop by, check in, and know that I have friends here, who are probably beginning to understand me, and who will "listen" to me no matter how much I keep on rambling.... (which as you know, can be a lot sometimes, total understatement!!!) I wish all of the GIC Crew could meet in person too. Who knows, maybe, someday, way into the future, we can plan some sort of GIC weekend getaway. I'm not sure how this would work though, because many of us live so far away from each other. I guess this is one of those TBCs... that will be hanging around for a long time...

I'm smiling knowing that you're enjoying another fun evening out at The Shack.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Gary,

You have a wonderful way of being able to put your feelings into words. I think Lou said something like you could be a group leader. I agree with him. Even though you haven't known me for very long, your message about perfectionists and people pleasers made me think... I think I am somewhat of a watered down people pleaser... Although much more so when I was a child, growing up with parents who didn't know the meaning of unconditional love (even though I know I was loved, if this makes any sense), than I was once I moved out of their house when I was 18.

I'm having problems with my internet connection again. This is happening way too frequently, so I'm going to have to stop here. Just one more thing before I go, I love what you said, that Cheryl would want you to stop suffering and to be happy. I know Valerie, Jack, Jack, Linda, Bob, Ron, and everyone else who I haven't mentioned by name, would want this for all of us too.

I can't believe how long it's taken me to type this!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thanks everybody this has been a great day interacting with everyone. We are like comrades in a life boat we’re all pulling together so we can survive. Deb I really appreciate the tenderness in your messages. I bet you were a wonderful mother. Your motherly instincts really show with our group. Lou thanks for the compliment about being a group leader. actually I have been a group leader in 2 local county jails and a prison trying to help my Incarcerated brothers. 29 years ago because of my drug and alcohol problem I almost killed myself. I stayed sober one year without any help and almost killed myself again and I decided I can’t do this alone. It’s been very humbling. Recovering from grief is like recovering from an addiction. but I think grief is harder. We can’t help from relapsing in grieve it is impossible. In person Grief support meetings locally are every two weeks in Ft Wayne. It seems like an eternity from one meeting to the next. Even though the pain of grief is still intense there is so much relief in talking to my GIC Friends several times day. I still feel a lot of aloneness. Cheryl gave me so much self-confidence. After doing a lot of inner work on myself I am still dogged with insecurities and low self-esteem. I’ve been divorced twice and have been in 4 long-term relationships. I have never had a companion like Cheryl that came right out and said I have your back and I know you have mine. What’s really strange is I met Cheryl on the Internet in 2007. We didn’t hit it off so good then and Actually never met in person until 2012. We met in the parking lot of a restaurant and both got out of our cars and looked at each other and smiled and started laughing. Those are the memories that we must hang onto. they are more precious than diamonds or gold. Getting choked up again. Sleep well everyone. It’s time to ramble on. Love you all even the ones that can’t join us. Gary

 

Deb, Thank you for quoting me to our
friend, Gary. I'm almost embarrassed
about the praise I get here. I know I've
"come a long way", but this grief work
"sucks BIG TIME!!", as both Linda and you
would say. I didn't have my usual crying
for Linda this morning, bc I had a mission:
Steven & Betsy were going to arrive,
drop their suitcases at their cabin, & meet
me on the Neck. Steven called me from
the highway, that they were stuck in
traffic & would be over an hour late at
the Shack. I ordered dinner, & talked with
the"birthday boy", who had many beers
someplace else. Fortunately, there was a
Red Sox game to keep him occupied while
I ate my seafood dinner in peace! Al
walked in, & finally Steven & Betsy. I hugged Betsy, & Steven surprised me by
hugging me, rather than a fistbump. Both
hugs felt wonderful. It was a perfect day,
bc I had my phone & was able to text &
email, instead of just impatiently waiting
for my guests. I will go off to breakfast, &
tomorrow will be a chance for them to
rest, until they take me to Kim's Heath's
Tea Room ( you can look it up, Deb), at
5:30. Well, it's been a long, but pleasant
day. S&B felt they were in a dream. As they
walked me home, in the mild air, I felt
like I