Still looking for answers

I lost my husband suddenly in Oct 2018. He died in his sleep at a motel during a weekend while we were having an argument, one of those stereotypes of wife goes to her parents for the weekend. He had sleep apnea and wasn’t wearing his CPAP, but he also had a recent relapse of prescription drug abuse. Nothing was in the room with him except his clothes and a soda bottle. It literally looked like he crawled into bed, went to sleep and died. The medical examiner report hasn’t come back yet. Now I’m starting to Google symptoms like anemia, paleness, kidney failure, gastric bleeding...looking for clues. I have a ton of guilt that our last days were spent in a fight, that he died alone. I’m waiting on answers that I may never get. This is so hard.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you find the answers you need. My husband died in a car wreck, they say instantly, the first of August. I've finally stopped searching for understanding and answers. I went to a psychic medium and the only message that was clearly about him was, "Why does it matter how he died? He's not suffering now." That sent me both relief and extra worry, since I over analyzed that simple "He's not suffering now." part. She told me to write everything I knew and everything I want to know about his death on a piece of paper and either teat it up into tiny pieces or burn it but that I had to let it go so I could find peace and move on and honor his life, not his death. I didn't do that, but I'm passing it on to you. I did, however, try to start talking about him and the wonderful things he did. The wonderful things we did. Please try to focus on the wonderful parts of your husband's life and allow yourself comfort with these thoughts. That takes work, at first it would just send me into hysterical crying but it is getting easier, sometimes.

 

Sorry to hear about your husband. I think it’s human nature to want to know why certain things happen. My mother died suddenly in May. I could have gotten the medical examiners report, but figured it wouldn’t change what had already happened. If you want to know what happened to your husband, then I hope the answers you get will give you some peace.

 

I’m hoping to figure out whether he overdosed on opioids, which might have been intentional, or whether he had a medical issue such as a gastrointestinal bleed or kidney failure. I’m sure it’s just guilt and grief that is fueling my quest for answers. It doesn’t change that he died. I feel responsible even though I’m not, no matter the cause. His body was abused in so many ways, he was in pain, and now he’s not. But he was only 47. That’s so young. And we were such a close little family, with our son. I just can’t believe he’s gone.

 

My daughter died 40 days ago. She has a small fever which I treated that day and it came down. Then we found her unresponsive in the middle of the night. I and the EMTs did CPR and recussitated her, but she didn't wake up and just got worse and worse. I too don't know what happened. She was healthy with no chronic issues that we were aware of. She was 3.5 years old and a happy , active , and funny girl. I miss her so much and wonder why this happened to us. It's so hard each day.

I look at all the other families and wonder why us? Why is this so unfair?! She was my only child.

I too am waiting for the ME report but Also am afraid and feeling like the answers may never be "enough". It won't bring her back...

 

Thank you for sharing that, I’m am so speechless about your loss. I have heard others say the same about it may not be enough. I don’t know what I really need at this point, I guess. Sometimes I think I’m just still in shock. I feel like I’m living someone else’s life. I can’t believe that I’m going into a new year without him.