Stages of Grief: Anger

Robin,

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me while your son is visiting. I agree with everything you just said. Sadly, this is the one time when we need our friends, relatives the most, and there are way too many of them who aren't able to support us. Life is too short for dwelling on this, wasting emotional energy that we need to make it through each and every day. I know this, but it still hurts... I like to think that something good will come out of all of this, that the friends we have made, or will make, now that Ron and Bob have passed away, will be the ones who will always be here for us. They are the ones who will know, or already know our sad stories, and can accept and love us for who we are now.

Enjoy today... each and every moment that you get to spend together with both of your children. This is what really matters in life.

As you said, "we have GIC, TGW to help us all." I am so very grateful for you, for all of TGW every single day!!!, TU!!!

As always, sending you and Teddy lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, let me help you with that anger
part. I find that if the person is a jerk, in front of me, he gets the "dirty look" or the
walk away in a huff. It has worked bc the
person, usually a male friend, apologizes.
If someone insults me, or hurts my
feelings, by text, or voicemail, that person
gets a blistering text back, and I feel
better. There's a great scene in Tootsie,
where Teri Garr is acting in front of the
more experienced Dustin Hoffman. She says she feels "rage". Dustin sneers &
says, "That's rage??!!" Lou

 

Deb, I see that you liked my Tootsie
reference, about Teri Garr's "rage". Linda
& I liked her very much. She has a
wonderful self deprecatory sense of humor. I would love to have coffee with
her. Linda & I felt so bad when we saw
her on TV. She has MS, put on weight &
aged rapidly ( like Linda did later). And
yet. she said it wasn't so bad, & made
fun of herself. At the moment, I'm trying
to control my hatred for a loud, non
stop talking woman at a far corner of
Whale's Jaw. Linda would say, "There's
always one". My fantasy is that I walk
over to this egotistical asshole, and tell
her that I'll give her a hundred dollars,
if she'll shut the f**k up!!! I'm going to
put music on my phone, to drown her out,
bc I'm still having coffee....... Lou

 

Thanks, Lou!

I can definitely walk away, that doesn't require me to say anything (at least right away), and in certain situations, I think an email or text would work for me too. I don't think I could ever be that "beige," even in my most difficult situations, lol...

Hope you've had some "real" caffeine by now..., and it's kicked in full force.

Need to do stop "talking," chrome book is still driving me batty on and off. Plus I have things on my to do list that I want to accomplish.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

I was just about to put my chrome book away, but read this. You just made me laugh, but so sorry she is driving you way past batty... I think it's a great idea to listen to music on your phone.

Coffee is always a wonderful thing... Enjoy...

Really putting my chrome book away (for now.)

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Yo Deb!
I thought I had friends once. When I left teaching because of failing kidneys they NEVER contacted me again. People can be so ignorant and fearful about someones bad news or situation. Since the move I feel blank and unmotivated again.

 

Yes, Deb, I admit I felt hatred for that
bitch ( good word). I finally gave up
& went to the market. When I walked past
the cafe, I saw her come out with her
silent friend. The witch looked like a
dominatrix. She was very tall & thin,
with tight jeans and high heeled black
boots. The only thing missing, was a whip.
BTW, I'm relieved, and thrilled, that Karen
answered me just now. I would've felt
sad & guilty if I had hurt her feelings, and
she'd left GIC for a while. She's one of
the first people, along with Patti. to
welcome me to GIC, at the end of July. Lou

 

George, there was an old funny saying
which I heard when I was in college:
"F**k 'em, if they can't take a joke!!!". In
our case, it would be, " take a hint". Glad
you're back. among your REAL friends on
GIC, who "get it", like Deb says. Lou

 

Thanks Lou! I said goodbye to my house and it is so weird being in an Apt for the first time since around '95! Where's the lightbulbs? The soap? I'm thirsty! Have computer in bedroom now so I can go on GIC in the middle of the night. where's the stupid blue folder?! So much craziness. Bright blue sky for a change. supposedly it's warmer. Stomach feels upset. My back is screaming. Stress sick. But I know this is for the best. Just such a big change. I wonder what it will be like to live somewhat "normal" again! Thanks for listening big Bro!

 

George, the BEST thing you said, is that
you can get on GIC in the middle of night
now. I may see you there, if I wake up at
3am, like I sometimes do. I can reply to
our West Coast friends, Karen, Stacey, &
Bernadine. Lou

 

Gary, Robin, Deb, Lou....

My goodness, what amazing people you all are. Love you all.

Thank you for understanding. I'm so sorry that you've ALL experienced the pain of "friends" that bailed when you needed them most.

I do believe that we need to practice grace, as much as is within our power, BECAUSE God has extended His grace to us. (Grace = Receiving favor that is not earned or deserved. Mercy = Not receiving what (consequences/ punishment) we have earned or deserve). I know God has been gracious to me, well beyond what I deserve. And because of that I really try hard to not hold grudges or let someone have it, that probably deserves it from me.
I know that I let others down all the time. Though not intentional, I still do. We are all human and we all fail. And I really appreciate when others give me the benefit of the doubt, or are ready to forgive and forget, when I apologize for being a butthead.


That said, I'm still so disappointed by a few of those that I truly believed would be there for me - and have just disappeared. A couple throw me a text now and then, but there's nothing behind it. They're just not that interested. Or can't deal with my pain. Or don't have time to deal with their stuff AND be a friend to me. I don't know. It doesn't matter. They're not there for me and I know now I cannot count on them. So time to re-assess those relationships and put them where they clearly belong (on the sidelines...or outside of the stadium).

It's also a good reminder to BE the friend you would like to have. (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you)

I had WAY more typed out...then my mom came in and needed my help and wanted to visit. By the time I got back to my keyboard I had been logged out. When I came back only half of what I had was still here. Weird and frustrating!

Now I need a snack. But I still love you guys.

 

George glad to hear you’re back online among real friends. It’s going take a while to acclimate yourself to your new home. Do you have a good view from your apartment? Are there places to take a walk? Do you have good grocery stores close? I went in the woods for a couple hours this morning and moved a tree stand and pulled the SD cards out of my trail cameras. It felt good just to be outside. My anxiety level dropped a point. Lou I could feel your brow Furrow all the way out here in corunna Indiana because of the loud talking machine. It sounded like a GBTAH moment. Deb thanks for sharing your experience about being in an identity crisis too and your encouragement. It was odd but yesterday evening my neighbor stopped over out of the blue we had a long talk. He’s going to go hunting with me when muzzleloader season opens this Saturday. I’m drawing too many conclusions that people are negative towards me because I don’t communicate with them enough. Anyhow I have a lot better opinion of him than I did a few days ago just because we talked. I have to see what I may have missed on the other threads. Gary

 

5:10am and I want to say good morning!

 

Hey, younger brother! Went to sleep at
9pm, my time, earlier than usual. So, woke
up at 4am, took shower. had some
breakfast, and checked GIC. Nobody.....
until you. Now, I have to go back to sleep.
I'll check in with you later. Older brother,
and many GF are anxious to hear about
you, in your new place. Gary asked you
some interesting questions yesterday. Lou

 

The last two days have been so hard. Once again I need to be patient and persevere. All I've done is drive and drive a lot My head hurts... stress and too much. I'm so out of my comfort zone here. At least there's places to walk and there is a store within walking distance too. This transition is too new and I'm grieving big time again . This place is a mess of totes and boxes and I can't sleep. I gained weight with the crappy eating. There's too much to do and... I don't know.

 

George, just woke up AGAIN, and looked at
your sad post. I hope Gary will read it later,
bc you did answer his questions. Your
headache & weight gain SUCKS BIG TIME!!
as our pal, Deb, would say, I'm sure she'll
want to help you later. Is the weather any
better now? It's been cold here, but sun
helps. I bought a new jacket to wear over
my hoodie, and walked yesterday, and
felt better. I fought Mr.Grief last night,
on a bus, in the 4:30 darkness. He tried to
make me feel guilty that I didn't try to
provide more happiness for Linda. I said
( not aloud) that happiness comes from
within. Linda had difficulty with people,
like Valerie. did, and she was in fight
mode, which couldn't have been good for
her health. I kicked Mr. Grief to the curb.
George, you & I did the best we could, but
we couldn't MAKE our wives happy, when
they became bitter, with illness. I hope
you can find a cafe some place, and take a
breakfrom your apartment. Keep talking
with us. Tell us the bad stuff, too. The act
of moving & settling into a new place, is
exhausting, on top of mourning for our
soulmates. When I moved, I wanted to
show Linda, but that was not meant to
be, Lou

 

After this whole crazy process of the last 10 months or two years really being Valerie's caregiver... I jut feel so emotionally blank but I'm trying to stay kind to myself and I know I must be patient. In the moment is so hard. And of course Mister Grief is always lingering in there too. I just need something. Not sure what. I am so drained. I feel so disorganized. We are supposed to get a couple milder days before it gets cold again. I dread the cold! Thanks Bro!

 

George, while you were moving, I quoted
the moving line from Dead Poets Society,
when the English teacher, ( Robin
Williams). pleaded with his pupils to
"Seize the Day!!". If I were you, I'd try to
walk & explore your neighborhood, while
the temps are milder! Lou

 

Sounds like a plan. I feel so un-pulled together right now.

 

George,

I'm s l o w l y getting caught up with posts. I see that you have moved and that is a huge deal. Even in the very best circumstances, because of happy reasons, surrounded by your family and with your mate, moving is hard and stressful and can be traumatic.

Moving because of hard, painful reasons, while processing loss and trauma, without our partner, love and BFF by our side, is just awful. Difficult beyond words, really. There is so much to do (before, during and after). So much to accomplish and adjust to.
But you are doing it.
I was just remembering your struggle before it sold - not knowing how you were going to do it all. And look at all you have accomplished already!

Hoping today will be easier for you. That maybe you can take a little walk to get acclimated to your new neighborhood. Maybe to the store that is close by. So you can get those firsts behind you and it won't seem as overwhelming.

When Mark and I left our home to come help my mom (and it was abrupt - because she was sick - so we came here to help temporarily, with the intention of going back home when she got better and then slowly start the process of moving ...over a couple of years, until he retired - but that didn't happen. We came here to help, I realized she needed me here full-time and now, and we never went back home. I've been here ever since) and realized this was going to be our new residence, I started doing things that would make it feel homey, to Mark and I. I needed to do that, for my sanity and our comfort. Whatever I could do to make it feel like home. (I was "nesting" or "feathering our new nest" ) For me/us it was a few things from home ....throw blankets we would use to cover up with while in our recliners, watching tv together. Setting out my favorite candle(s). Putting our favorite blanket on our bed. Using our favorite coffee mugs... and pictures of our family. I put those out right away. Mark even put up a H O M E sign that I bought on Amazon, right after we moved in, as a very clear message to us both. We bought some things that we were excited about, to make the new place more livable/comfortable and Mark worked hard to put it all together (furniture assembly) and put it all up (light fixtures, picture hanging). It helped me quite a bit. It was still hard. It still IS hard (of course, we went from a couple when we moved in, to me being alone now - which changed my world and made everything harder - as we ALL here know too well). But just saying, those little familiar, comforting things from home, helped us with the initial transition.

For us, we have both lived in this little town before, so we were very familiar with this neighborhood and our "new" surroundings. You have that added challenge. But I do find that just getting in the car and driving around & exploring, helps me even now. I have discovered neighborhoods that I never saw before. Parts of the town I've never been to. I have found faster, easier routes to my favorite stores that way. Less traffic. Less stress. And now mom and I are taking walks in the neighborhood and down to the nearby park. Even that is helping. It almost feels like I'm claiming it as my neighborhood, in a way, by walking through it like I own the place (lol). I think You know what I mean. Taking walks in the new neighborhood makes it feel more like home, to me.

Even though this is all so hard, and so new - try to give yourself credit for everything you've already survived and accomplished. You're a strong man. I hope that your new place will feel like home soon, but it will probably take some time. And that's okay! Maybe one little thing a day to help make the transition easier for yourself. There is no timeline for unpacking your stuff. It's okay to do it slowly, as needed.

Hang in there George! ♥ Stacey