Stages of Grief: Anger

Lou,

Great minds think alike, lol...

"Talk" tomorrow... I need a cup of HOT herbal tea...

Sending more hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

You nailed it!!! It truly is a "blessing and a curse!!!," TU!!! (I added this one for you.)

For the very last time tonight... Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thanks, Deb, for answering me before
you put your chrome book away. Glad I
made you laugh over PITA remark. I
don't want to come off as too preachy.
There is an often used expression among
some of the tough guys in Gloucester,
when someone is too critical of others:
"LOOK IN THE MIRROR", followed by an
expletive! Hope we both have pleasant,
not crazy dreams, although I can't
guarantee that on my end! Lou

 

Lou I like what you said about having abandonment issues because we haven’t heard from Stacey for a while. I am having abandonment issues about Karen and Patti. If I don’t hear from little brother George tomorrow I’ll be having abandonment issues about him too. I hope our little brother George wrote “computer” on the box he put the computer in on his move into the new crib. I know George’s day has been hectic. But this is just one of many accomplishments George has made. Deb I hope your news is good even though it is bittersweet. I am not going to look at my lab results until the morning. It would be just another headache to take the bed tonight. I’m experiencing a cold reptile brain tonight so I’m going to call it a wrap. Sleep well everyone. Gary

 

Gary, glad you're back! About to go to
sleep, but replied to Karen, who was
teasing me, as usual. I miss George &
Patti, too, but have been talking with
Deb all day,. I wish Bernadine & Stacey
would join us more, and I reached out to
Mary, from Maine, today. Lou

 

Thank you Lou ♥

I'm sorry you're feeling so low after the holiday. Day by day is the way it has to be right now, I guess.
Same here.

It's been very quiet the last few days (even a couple of weeks - with the exception of my immediate family time). I expected it I guess. Everyone has gone back to their lives and it is very quiet now. Very few are reaching out to me now. They're all gone along with their empty promises to be there for me.
I don't really blame them. They still have their spouses and lives as before. It's my life that was destroyed, not theirs. But I am disappointed in those I considered
my very closest friends. This has all been very illuminating. 2, in particular, have been pretty much MIA through this entire ordeal.
Maybe a new life (that I never wanted) is going to include a new group of friends as well. At this point, I'm fine with that.

Do I sound bitter?

I am.

Oh well.

I hope you were able to enjoy some sunshine today.

 

Thank you Deb ♥

Thanksgiving was pleasant and my kids really tried. There were genuine smiles.

As I just typed to Lou, I am disappointed in my friends. I'm barely hearing from anyone now. Everyone has gone back to their lives.
My immediate family is awesome and they have continued to try hard to be there for me and support me. I realize some people don't have that. And I am grateful for my family. But my friends....they've all dropped out. And I'm pretty let down by them. Maybe even disgusted with some of them.

Guess I'm back to being angry. My best friend is gone forever and the rest of them are apparently fair-weathered friends. Mark is the one that was always there for me. Always.

I did rest yesterday and today. I'm hoping it will help me tomorrow. Tonight I'm still very low.

How did your holiday go? Were you able to enjoy the day?

I too, hate that everything will be peppered with pain for the rest of our lives. I'm very sorry - for all of us.

Hoping for a restful night for you and for me (and for all of TGW's). ♥

 

Stacey, I woke up at 6am, my usual time.
Hope you're still in dreamland, on the West
Coast. I'm really happy to hear from you
again. At the risk of being a pain in the
ass, or PITA. as our friend, Deb, calls it,
I really think you could relate to the
chapters in The Widower's Notebook
audio version, which talk about "friends"
who let you down, in your hour of need.
Halfway through the book, Jonathan has a
chapter, entitled "Good and Bad Friends",
which many GW can relate to, including
you & me. Later on, he has another chapter, " Stupid Things Said By Smart
People". I have formed new friends, and
left the disappointing ones behind. As Deb & I often say, "Life is too short". BTW,
please tell your fellow Californian to come
back. Karen thought she had insulted me,
butshe didn't. I like her very much, & hope she doesn't "take a break" from this
forum. Lou

 

Stacey I’m sorry but this part of our grief journey sucks Waymore than the rest. The reality of the death of our beloved moves from our hearts to our head and we suffer. the first two weeks after Cheryl passed I got a lot of support from family and friends. I had been interacting regularly with at least a dozen friends and family. Now I am down to four. I think the general rule is after the two month mark we should be back to normal but we’re not. I have to be honest about myself when someone had a loss I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything. Like Robin reminded me our worlds have been turned upside down and so is our thinking. Don’t criticize yourself about being angry or bitter. These are normal emotions that we are entitled to feel. There have been times in my life where I have stuffed my emotions so long I didn’t know who I was. I’m coming up on the seventh month anniversary of Cheryl’s death and I’m just starting to realize how I’ve lost my since of identity. I have a goal to start experiencing and expressing my emotions. In the book “permission to mourn” Tom Zuba writes moment by moment we’re given the choice between love and fear. When we choose fear we believe the person we have loved the most is gone forever and our life is meaningless. But when we choose love we believe the person we have loved the most has gone back to the place of their choosing and yet part of them remains with us in the non-physical form. This is what keeps us going. Talking to Cheryl‘s pictures and her shrine, thinking of coincidences that have happened since Cheryl‘s passing has confirmed that I still have a relationship with her. There is no doubt in my mind about the reality of the supernatural. It is as real as the sun. The book “permission to mourn” has stimulated this thinking. I’m sending you and Bernadine positive thoughts and encouragement to love and nurture yourselves. I’ll be encouraging myself to do the same. Our mantra is no one grieves alone. I love you all very much. Gary

 

Stacey, I’m so happy to hear that your Thanksgiving and time with your boys and grandchildren went better then expected and there were some genuine smiles. I totally understand how you felt when you got back home. An empty feeling, dread, loneliness. Any of that, all of that. It all feels wrong. I know how you’re feeling about friends just dropping out of your life snd all those promises were just words. I have learned who my friends are and even learned about my relatives. I was told by so many that they’re here for me no matter what or when. I learned that wasn’t true and it does hurt and cause anger and make you feel bitter. There are other people who were acquaintances that have stepped in with sincere offers. People I never would have expected to hear from. But my guard is up after losing “my best friend” and then empty promises offered. I have come to learn that a lot of the empty promises are because they don’t have an understanding of what we’re going through. They have their spouse. I feel like it’s not rocket science to figure out, shouldn’t take a PhD to understand and realize how painful our losses are but that’s how it seems. It took me quite a while to stop hoping these”friends” would still possibly just ask how I was doing. Now if someone should ask, which no one does any more. It’s just icing on the cake for that moment. Your loss is so resent, your emotions are ready to explode at every second. I’m afraid it’s going to be like that for a while. Just let it all pour out. But do try to move, get fresh air enjoy nature. Get your blood flowing. I’ve told so many people that I’ve spent 44 wonderful years with Ron by my side, each day we grew closer and closer. That doesn’t go away in few months, it’s a process. And I feel what happens is you get strength. A lot of people use the word heal. But I find it’s more like growing stronger after a gut punch. I’ve lost so called friends since Rons passing and distanced myself from hurtful people. It’s to protect me. On a happier note, I spent yesterday with my son. I got that bear hug I need so much and we spent quality time together. He brightened my world just by being.
Sending you hugs, and praying for strength for us all. Every feeling you’re having is needed to help with your well being and strength. ❤️ Robin

 

Lou,

This is the first message I've read this morning, so I hope you had only the best of dreams last night. I'm more wide awake than I've been in way too long a time even though I only got about 5 hours of sleep. I should have stopped myself from having an extra cup of herbal tea in my super big mug... I know you "get" this, so stopping here. Wait..., backing up just a bit, speaking of fluids, I'm about to pour my first cup of caffeine... I'm so over the top addicted to it!!!, TU

Will be back to see how everyone is doing in a couple of minutes...

Hope your day is off to a good start...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

P.S. If you ever come across as "too preachy," I'll let you know, but I doubt it. I know you only have everyone's best interests at heart..

 

Robin, so glad you got that bear hug from
your son, Ron, Jr., and that you have the
love of your daughter, That's all that
matters. People come & go. When COVID
hit in March, 2020, the Shack had to close
on Sun. March 15, after a fun weekend
with my friends there, on our usual
Friday night. I was devastated bc my
whole social life went out the window.
One woman, a married mother, who I thought was a friend, texted "Stay
positive", with a prayer emoji. She didn't
offer any help, like picking up groceries
for me. I texted back that I didn't want to
hear any more "stay positives" from her.
Never heard from her again. But, that's OK,
bc I have a much better, real friend, Kim,
also a mother, who drives me to the market
every Wed aft, knowing I don't have a
car. Lou

 

Stacey,

Getting here late. Lou, Robin, and Gary have given you excellent advice. Like the four of you, I've had this happen to me too. I've lost friends, one in particular, who I thought I would be good friends with forever. It hurt big time!!!, TU!!! Unlike you and others, I didn't get angry, just over the top sad... I have trouble expressing anger sometimes, but this is something for an entirely different thread.

I've been saying for a long time now, sometimes it takes a tragedy to find out what someone's true colors are. My heart hurts for you... I'm glad you have a close, loving family who is here for you. You need to take care of yourself the very best you can both emotionally and physically, and surround yourself with only loving people. Those so called "friends" aren't worth it!!! When you're ready, it's time for a fresh start, and this includes building new friendships.

My chrome book hit slo mode as I was "talking" to you. It's taking me forever to type this and it's a s l o w process!!!, TU!!!, so ending this.

Sending lots of extra hugs and love your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Morning, Deb! Glad you're wide awake. but
I'm not! We've reversed roles. I tossed &
turned last night. I tried not to look at my
clock, but I looked forward to morning. I'm
lazy. so I use weak instant coffee at home,
with GF cereal, banana, and Siggi's
Icelandic style yogurt. That's why it's a
treat for me to go out to breakfast, and
have real coffee. 2 Little Birds is closed
Tues & Wed, so I'm going to have coffee
at Whale's Jaw Cafe, before buying s
couple items, like OJ,at Whistlestop
Market nearby. Later, I plan to take bus to
Oliver's again, for chicken dinner, rather
than the cod I had yesterday. Mon & Tues
at Oliver's is a nice way to start the week.
Soon, I'll be baking chicken at home, but
I'm not there yet. I feel bad for Karen. She
thought she had insulted me , late last
night, by calling me " crabby old Lou",but
she didn't. We were just kidding around.
I like her very much, and as I told her
fellow Californian, Stacey, I was sad that
Karen said she'd take a break from GIC
for awhile. Maybe you could persuade
her otherwise. Lou

 

Deb, as I told both Robin and Stacey, at the
risk of being a PITA, Jonathan has a great
chapter, called, Good Friends and Bad
Friends. halfway through the book. Stacey
has the audio version, narrated by
Jonathan. We can all relate! Lou

 

Lou,

I'm sorry you couldn't sleep last night, but hope you didn't have any bizarre dreams or nightmares. As I like to say, you can't go wrong with caffeine, so hoping after you have some "real" coffee at Whale Jaw's Cafe, you'll feel at least a bit more energized. As always, I'm so happy you take such good care of yourself and are going to enjoy a delicious chicken dinner at Oliver's later.

My chrome book is in super slo mode again. This seems to have become a regular thing and is so FRUSTRATING!!!, TU!!! I'm going to make this a super short one because just typing one letter seems to take f o r e v e r... I will "talk" to Karen if my chrome book decides to cooperate today. I know she is going through absolute hell right now, and is having trouble clinging on to that thread to keep from falling off, on this seemingly never ending tilt a whirl in Mr. Grief's amusement park (thank you Gary!!!).

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

Love!!! that chapter... So sad, but so true... My ex friend, who I thought was a good friend, used the excuse that she was too tired from teaching to keep in contact with me. REALLY??? I always thought that I was a good judge of character, but I was way off this time, TU!!!

Looking forward to hearing about your daily adventures later on...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, just a quick note. I suppose you can think well at least she was honest. She has no desire to stay in contact with you. But also. You, me and everyone else on here, we don’t have the luxury of saying we’re too tired to deal today. This is real. We lost what made our world go round. There’s no break from that. Sometimes I want to say that to people. But I haven’t and I won’t. No matter how many times I’ve explained to people, I just need a caring ear, someone to have coffee with. No judgement etc. people don’t understand because they haven’t felt this kind of pain. I will say I know I’ve treated others who lost their spouses better then I’ve been treated.
At least we all have experienced this and that feels better to know it’s not just us dealing with hurt that comes from people we expected to be our support.
We have GIC, TGW to help us all. Robin

 

Gary,

After Bob's death, I felt like I lost my sense of identity too. I had been his caregiver for so long, it seems that my identity was just that, Bob's caregiver. I hope I don't sound like I'm complaining, because I would do it all over again in a second!!! Bob was, and always will be, the one true love of my life. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, I wouldn't have done for him!!!, TU!!!

I'm slowly figuring out who I am again, but I still don't have all the pieces of the puzzle in place yet. Unlike you, I've always been able to express my emotions, wait... I sometimes have a hard time expressing anger, but although it can take me longer to express anger, eventually I'm able to talk about whatever it is that's making me angry. It's just that I seem to have forgotten all the parts of me who make me who I am, what I want out of life, now that it's just me, no longer me and Bob. This is a very difficult thing to think about. My dreams..., plans for the future..., as a couple no longer exist. What do I really want out of life...? What makes me, me? All of my creative energy has seemed to vanish. I'm working on this, hoping to be able to find those missing puzzle pieces soon...

The one thing I do know, is that when it gets right down to it, the only things that truly matter in life, are the connections we make, the relationships we have with others. To repeat myself once again, all the rest is just frosting on the cake. However, in order to have the most meaningful relationships possible, I have to know who I am now, because the old me is gone..., gone, never coming back..., just like Bob is (physically) gone.

I hope today is a much better day than yesterday...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, all I can say about your EX "friend", the "teacher", is WHAT A JACKASS, BIG
TIME!!! The hell with her, it's her loss. Lou