Yup I feel my loneliness is so thick I can cut it with a knife. I have my own place and am doing what I can to make a home of it. I grabbed Sofia's wreaths and have one on the front door. Death of a loved one truley is the most hurt one can go thru. As much as I hurt I am so afraid of going through this again and my mind is so sad and split into pieces, as is my ❤. I know I am depressed, and taking meds for it. Having family I can not talk to is a large part of my hurt and to be very frank about it. I wonder if it is my own fault for thinking they would listen to me.. I know 1 thing tho and yes I say it with both the deepest sadness and anger. Anyone in the family married and loses a spouse, I will be there for the services but not to help after. No one has ever asked if I wanted to talk and when I did talk, my father said "Now talk about something that is important." what an EFFING IDIOT. Goes to church a few times a week. Has a large statue of the blessed mother and that is what he says to his son who has gone through one bad-ass life change? Most of the family brags about being Catholic but from what I have seen, I would not say I am Catholic as no one seems to give a damn. So a big thanks for no one to listen to me or offer to listen.
Ray, are you listening to you? I don't have a Catholic Church but I have the God who is said to be head of the body of Christ on the earth. I think I'm qualified to interject here because I am a widow and I have also been alone other times in my life with no one seeming to be available to help me. First off, you have been through probably shock, despair, sadness, exhaustion, and above all lost your footing. The ground actually shifted under foot when your love was torn from you. At this point, everything has to sort of be redone, as to how you want to do life, such as it is. Something that helps me is not trying to look too far ahead, too soon. As Christians, Jesus could return tomorrow. He said to take no thought of tomorrow as today has enough evil. It's unfathomable that those we expect to care would be glib. But, it is about them. For me, the family that does ask might use what I say against me later. Either way, it is another surreal thing I have seen. All I can do is have small talk to some degree with them. Then again another sister wanted to smother me which felt disempowering so we had to argue. But I had no strength to spend that way. I certainly would not want to be there for them either but I suspect I would know how. Saw a church billboard that said "tweet others as you would want them to tweet you" . Thought it was funny but funnier would have been to add, "and not how you've been tweeted" . Just that sentence tells us that this is about them. Do we lay down our decency and integrity because they have?.. Your wreath sounds nice! I took up carpet in front hall to have hardwood floor there. And that's my nice thing this week. When I come home, it's nice. Sounds like you have another wave coming on. I hope it is more gentle because I know how hard this is to endure them. Mine are getting more gentle and less often but I am coming to appreciate them because it is when I am closest to him. Blessing to you!
What resources are available to you? Friends? Counselor? Journaling? Meditation? Music? Small kindnesses to yourself like being in nature? Even if only your yard. The aloneness hits me hard sometimes. I have continued to reach out to others. I have been writing daily to express my thoughts and feelings as they arise and honestly they change so fast sometimes my head spins. It has been 9 weeks. All that you are experiencing is real and here people are listening to you. Being ‘seen’ (heard) is a HUGE part of moving through this because the one person who spoke the ‘secret language’ that exists only between lovers is gone. The witness to our life is gone. Now we must find other ways to be seen and heard and many times people who we would expect to be there for us simply do not have the skill or wherewithal to be present for us. Thus we seek other forms. This forum is one. I have a sister in law who is an alcoholic who said many things meant to wound me after my husband died and his parents are simply incapable of being in touch with their own feelings let alone mine. I do not look to them for support. Anger lingers but does not swallow me for long. Meeting that anger and realizing that it is a reflection of my pain helps me also understand that they are a target for my grief now. It is not the human being that they are. I can forgive the humanness. Just not the behavior. And I don’t have to stop being angry right now. I just don’t intend to live with that all the time. Same thing with the deep sadness. We are sad and ‘depressed ‘ and lonely for good reason. We will move through one step at a time. And sometimes that looks like dragging ourselves across a floor just to get to another room. Whatever you are feeling is ok. www.refugeingrief.com
