So Alone

not diggin the week endz. never knew i would be alone

 

Robin,

I'm so glad that for once, you've been crying your eyes out for a happy reason. I smiled BIG!!! TIME!!! reading this. Thank you for sharing such good news with us, and making what has been a very hot!!!, gloomy afternoon/evening in TUTTAMVILLE, a little bit brighter.

Backing up a bit, although it SUCKS!!! that you can't share this way beyond wonderful news with Ron in person, like you, I believe Ron knows, and is way beyond proud of your daughter right along with you.

Congratulations to your daughter!!! I'm proud of her too, and I've never even "met" her, lol...

As always, sending you, Teddy and Slinky, lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye

 

Rose,

Getting here a little late, but even though your special day is now so very bittersweet, I hope you enjoyed at least a few real lol moments celebrating with your children. I believe with all my heart, although it isn't the same, that C was right there with you, happy, watching you celebrate your birthday with your children. My wish for you is that this is the beginning of a year filled with many more smiles than tears... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

It SUCKS!!! BIG!!! TIME!!! that there are no longer any moments that are just happy, that every single happy moment is now laced with sadness... It's one of those things that unless someone has experienced the kind of total heartbreak we have, it's impossible for him/her to understand. I tried to explain this feeling to a friend who has been happily married for many years, but I could tell she didn't quite "get" it, even though I know she tried really hard to understand. It's one of those things I don't want anyone else to EVER!!! understand, TUTTAM!!!

As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace, all the way from TUTTAMVILLE... DEB & Skye

 

Thank you so very much Rose, I would have loved to have that hug from you. But your writing did feel like a nice warm hug, and I thank you for that. It did bring me to tears but in a very good way. I don’t know how you were able to hold back those tears during your daughters graduation. What people don’t understand is it’s not all sadness. It’s such a mix of emotions. Even though C, wasn't there in person, he’s definitely one proud Dad and smiling ear to ear. Like your daughter feeling sad her Dad wouldn’t see her graduate, my daughter said, “ Dad won’t walk me down the aisle, when I find my someone.” It’s hard knowing our children are missing having their Dads taking part in all their milestones. Rose I want to wish you a belated Happy Birthday. I know it’s so terribly hard and so bitter sweet but I hope spending time with your children brought a smile. Robin

 

feeling left out here

 

Thank you Robin, I'm just really glad when these particular "special days" are over. I got goose bumps when you told me what your daughter said about her dad not being able to walk her down the aisle. I think of that often, it's not just what we miss about our soulmates, it's what they are missing out on now and will be missing in the future. It's just so hard.
Take care.
Rose

 

Thank you Deb, and also for your wish to me for a better year. I hope so too, I hope that too for you and the rest of my special friends here. You are all very special to me, even though we've never met, I feel so at ease with you all it's like I've known you for years.
A hug to you and take care.
Rose.

 

Hello Kelso, please don't feel left out. It must be the middle of the night for you there, I see you're having trouble sleeping. It's normal, it's still too soon for you, you need to give yourself time to grieve, cry, scream, release your feelings, tell us what's going through your mind and we will listen and share with you. It helps to talk to people who have gone through the same grief. Accept that you will have sleepless nights, it doesn't matter, you will also have other nights where you manage to sleep a couple of hours more. Don't worry about taking meds, your family doctor will advise you, depending on your health status. Anxiety therapy must be personalised, something effective for others may not be effective for you and vice versa. Do you have family members living nearby?
Rose

 

its sunday

 

what can i say but my like is turned upside down. terry and went thru good bad mediorce and GREAT.last year at this time we were ok new siding for the house/ painted just going thru the summer.our cat zalman passed away last may we got thru that and were just living. then.... came right after thanksgiving is when she got sick.in hospital out then in. she was there during xmas and new years and then jan 15 i had to make that descision. the first few mon ths were awful legal bill etc but now the dust has settled and here i am alone. iam just going thru the motions bills paid etc. this was a BIG shock for me. what do i do now ?

 

Deb, Thank you so much! From my daughter and myself. It does feel nice to be brought to tears over something positive. My daughter is a Systems Engineer at a company that makes conference rooms. Her position is very stressful, It’s nice to know that she is appreciated. I need to cut this short I’m sorry. But today is a beach day for us and I need to get ready and get Teddy out before I leave. Thank you again.
Lots of Love and hugs to you and Skye
Robin

 

So true Rose. Thinking of all of those things is simply heart breaking. As their remaining parent we fill in as best we can. And keep the memories alive.

I have a birthday coming up soon too. I’ll get through but these days are extra hard as you all know.
Robin

 

Deidre,

Words seem so shallow at times, now being one of them, but I hope you know how truly sorry I am to hear that your husband, Ken, passed away. Like Ken, my husband, Bob, had cancer. It started in his kidneys, but spread to his lungs. By the time he passed away on April 11, 2021 at 3:45 a.m., he had a specialist for just about every body part. Like you, I was Bob's full time caregiver, but unlike you, I didn't have the added stress of having a full time job. I can't even begin to imagine how exhausted you must have been. Although Bob was sick for many years, it wasn't until the beginning of 2018, that I had to take on this role. Being his full time caregiver was way beyond challenging, but, and this is one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, I would do it all over again, if only I could...

There is no timeline for grief. Grief doesn't follow any logical path. While the time it takes to move forward is different for all of us, (like Rose), I no longer believe we heal, but eventually we get used to living our lives alone, feeling over the top lonely, even when in a room filled with friends/family. I HATE!!! being such a pessimist, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, this kind of loneliness will always be with us. It can't go away because Ken and Bob can't return home (physically). It SUCKS!!!

Being a little over 28 months into this miserable journey (for lack of a better word), I can relate to you saying it feels like "I took 3 giant steps backwards." The two year mark was a difficult time for me. Although I know this doesn't help, I'm sending you a GIANT hug, all the way from another miserable, super hot, day in SC.

Having said this, I've finally reached the point where life has morphed into a combination of "happy mixed with sad," the way Robin described her feelings to us. While I can laugh again, all those lol moments are laced with sadness. Life has become so over the top bittersweet. Once again, I HATE!!! being such a pessimist, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, I think this is as good as it's going to get. I've accepted the loneliness and sadness that is a part of the "new" life, all of us have been thrown into.

Bob taught me that life is a gift, to be cherished. No matter how much pain he was in, whenever I asked him how he was feeling, he always answered the same way. "As long as I'm on the right side of the dirt, it's a good day." For this reason, I REFUSE!!! to let grief rob me of the time I have left on earth. I want to do everything I can to live the rest of my life to the fullest extent possible. I want him to be proud of me.

When it's my time to be reunited with Bob for eternity, I want to feel like in some small way, I've made a positive difference while on earth. I want to be at peace... If I had a magic wand, I would wave it over our GIC "family's" head, and every one of us would be at peace. Daydreaming can be a very good thing, TUTTAM!!! (Total Understatement To The Absolute Max, a DEB "original).

I'm working hard to find some sort of happiness, contentment, and ultimately peace. The past 28 months have been extremely challenging for me. My car was t-boned/totaled, 15 months and 1 day after Bob transitioned, and on March 15th of this year, I ended up in the hospital with sepsis, pancreatitis, an infected gall bladder that had to be removed, and a kidney stone. In between the car crash and the hospital stay, I adopted Skye, my dog, who I'm crazy in love with....

People tell me she is one lucky girl to have been rescued, but I don't feel this way. I'm the lucky one. Skye rescued me. She forced me into a routine, gave my life meaning and purpose. The reason why I'm sharing all of this with you now, is because in September, I want her to begin formal training. Training a dog to become a therapy dog has always been at the top of my bucket list. However, if Skye doesn't pass the CGC test, it's okay. She is already "working" unofficially as a therapy dog in my neighborhood. Many of my neighbors helped take care of her while I was hospitalized and during my recovery. They stop to talk to her, hug her, whenever we're out walking. She loves all the attention, and I love that she brings smiles to so many faces...

In September, I also want to volunteer for an organization that provided me with transportation to medical appointments after the car crash. I want to begin to pay it forward. In spite of Bob's transition, the car crash, the hospital stay, and some necessary, but very pricey home maintenance/repairs, I'm very grateful to be on the "right side of the dirt," as Bob would say, to be part of our GIC "family," and living in neighborhood filled with good people.

I still have many over the top sad days, when all I want to do is stay in bed, pull the covers up over my head, and hide from the world, but, and this is the last really BIG!!! BUT!!! for now, the very best way I know how to honor Bob's memory, is by doing everything I can to find some kind of happiness now that he can't be with me (physically). I believe with all my heart, that Ken wants you to be happy too. I know nothing I said can take away any of this total heartbreak, but I wanted to share some of my journey with you. I want you to know that there really can be better days ahead, never as good as they once were, but better.

I'm so sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. Although I'm getting here late, I want to welcome you to our GIC "family." I hope you'll stick around, give us the chance to get to "know" you, and you the chance to get to "know" us.

Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace... DEB & Skye

 

Robin,

No need to apologize!!! I'm so happy that today is a beach day. Just like it is for you and Lou, the ocean is my very favorite place, in the entire world. Have lots of fun spending quality time with your daughter. It's a perfect way to celebrate all that she has accomplished in the past ten years.

Once again, thank you so much for sharing some way beyond good news with all of us. Although life will always be so very bittersweet, it's moments like this, that make life truly worth living.

As always, sending you, Teddy and Slinky, lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace... DEB & Skye

 

any one

 

Bruce,

I am truly sorry to hear that your wife Terry passed away. My husband, Bob, transitioned on April 11, 2021 at 3:45 a.m. I've read some of your posts, and they are heartbreaking. In order to move forward, I no longer believe we heal, but instead, get used to living without the one true love of our lives being with us (physically), you must do all the hard work grieving forces us to do. Lou recommended one of the only books on grief that I found helpful. It's called "Permission To Mourn," by Tom Zuba. He writes from experience. His is a very sad story. His 18 month old daughter, his wife, and one of his sons, all passed away, but at different times.

I couldn't read anything but articles and books on grief after Bob's death. Even if you're having trouble concentrating, this book is short, easy to read, and filled with excellent advice. One of the most important things Tom Zuba tells us is that it's important to tell your story to anyone who will listen, to repeat it as many times as necessary, until you can't repeat it another time. When you've reached this point, grief will lose control over you. It is possible to find some sort of happiness again, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, only if you allow yourself to fully grieve, cry as long and as hard as necessary, feel all the pain. There are no shortcuts. Every one of us is going through this process. You CAN!!! and WILL!!! get through this.

It might be helpful, if you haven't already done so, to read some of our older threads. You will find that what you're experiencing is "normal" given the situation. If my widow brain isn't too foggy, I think Lou, Rose and Deb suggested that you might benefit from seeing a grief counselor. If you saw a grief counselor who you're not happy with, please continue searching until you find one that is the right "fit" for you. I also want to suggest checking out an in person bereavement support group. Our GIC "family" will be here to support you, but I think you would greatly benefit from in person support too. Just my two cents. Take it or leave it. This is a judgement free zone.

The last thing I want to mention is that while you feel you need a relationship and can't be alone, if you rush into one, you might regret it down the road. Please be very gentle with yourself. Terry's death is very recent. What you think you need now, and what you'll find you need a little further down the road, might be entirely different. The past 28 months have changed me. I'm not the same person I used to be. The things I thought I wanted then, and what I want now, are entirely different. I'm very glad I didn't make any quick decisions.

You are stronger than you think you are!!! Hang in there. There WILL!!! be better days ahead. Finding this site, being brave enough to "talk" to us, even though you might not think so, is a BIG!!! step forward.

Hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

thanks deb

 

hello

 

I hear ya so well bro!

 

Hwt the Lou! I have nothing, know no one; have no life... The one thing I can do is not spend money! Unfortunately doing ANYTHING requires FnG Money! I am not in a good spot lately!