Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

I am so sorry Hugs! Does it seem harder by chance when someone famous dies and thats all you hear about and the heartbreak people are going thru because of it? Dont know if that has any effect but just a thought

 

I am so sorry this has been a bad time for you. My heart feels for you.

I went through this for a long time. Its been 2 years no since I found out she died 40 years ago, and it is still occupying my thoughts. I would love to talk or communicate with here. Sometimes, when I can focus on specific memories, where I remember her alive and talking, I fell like she is with me to some extent.

We have to accept the grief we feel and give it time to allow us to accept what happened.

 

Thanks. I don’t think it’s related to hearing of famous people dying. I’m assuming you mean Betty White and Bob Saget. Although just a minute ago I did read some things Bob Saget’s ex girlfriend wrote. She thanked him for not being an a-hole to her in her 20s. That did resonate with me because he was a kind and decent human being and I was 18-21 when we were friends.

 

Thank you. I do have an awareness and list of things that help me feel more peaceful and close to him vs. things that cause me to spiral into sadness, anger, and disbelief.

You reminded me of this, and because of your post, I wrote to him for a bit before going to bed last night. I told him about my online stranger friends who share a similar grief. I told him that you had shared that you feel close to her when you focus on specific memories of her alive and talking. Then I wrote some very brief memories that I have of him. It was very calming, and I think it helped me sleep more peacefully.

I can’t see ever “moving on” from this can you? I just think I will learn to bear it and it will become part of who I am. It has changed me.

 

I just feel the pain seeing some of them breaking down Brings it back some. Could be cause a years coming up too so im just expecting it to become harder the next few weeks and my dad passed on feb 4th 18 yrs ago

 

This sounds just like me. I found out a couple of months ago that a guy I dated in 1980, died in the 90's by suicide. He was the sweetest, kindest man and although circumstances sent us in different directions, I can't get over his death. I still love him even though I am married. I am grieving in a way I never have. All the years I assumed he was happy somewhere, he had already passed under very sad circumstances. I can't really talk to anyone as who would think this would wreck me? At least, I was able to get some pictures of him from a family member but I can't bug them.

 

I’m glad you discovered this post and sorry about the circumstances that brought you here. This has been a safe and understanding place for me to share my grief over the death of a boyfriend I hadn’t seen or talked to in 35 years. Can’t talk about it to many people in my life right now, and I’m so grateful to know I’m not alone in this type of grief. It’s painful. We are here for you. Keep sharing if you want to.

 

I am glad you found this group. It is very confusing to have so many emotions for someone from years ago still, but it is normal, so many people feel this way but a lot don't talk about it. Thankfully this is a safe place to vent, talk, say anything without judgement. I love having this group, can just let out anything on my mind and people actually get it

 

For the heart there is no such thing as time.
I can imagine not being able to talk about it, I had to split up from my partner only a few months before he died tragically and even that is seen as not grief-worthy to be crushed by his death. He was my favourite person, my best friend. All that is seen is: are you together at the time of death, have you been together for many many years. I'm pretty sure there are people together for many many years who are less close and affectionate than all of these dear relationships have been. I know my colleague doesn't appreciate her lifelong husband at all yet if he were to die she would be a widow and get that support. I got nothing, nobody gave me a condolence card, I was shut out of the funeral preparations. The reason we couldn't be together was that his substance abuse was a threat to mine and his safety. I would have been with him forever, I was hoping with all my heart he would recover and I was helping him through other support people and professionals. He shut me out. But photos of us together were all over his bedroom in the end. I have been grieving with my whole being for almost 5 months now. Alone, unsupported. If he would have stayed alive and we couldn't be together and I found out he died, I would have been just as crushed. That's what happens with soulmates. So disappointed in people and society and its ridiculous "you deserve to grieve" badges!

 

I’m very sorry for your loss. Your words/thoughts are powerful. Photos of you two all over his bedroom…that says it all and is worth more than any condolence card. I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain. Substance abuse is part of my story and my person’s story (I was given the gift of sobriety, he was distilling his own alcohol at the time of his death), and has also inflicted many people I know. It is so powerful and unfortunately not everyone recovers from it, but I hope you know that has nothing to do with how much he loved you even if it got in the way.

 

Thank you so much for your supportive words. I am lucky that all professionals and people that have been on my path to help me have all acknowledged the depth of my loss and the closeness of me and my beloved. His family have deeper issues with it because they are in denial. They made his death into a bad accident, just a slip or a fall when it was classed by most as a suicide. He was under influence and very much under a heavy weight of several problems, many of which his toxic ex and his family were adding to. That's why suicide is very probable and it's the cause I most relate to at this stage. I feel lots of disenfranchised grief just like this whole topic is about, also stigma tied to how he died by society and the intense denial of others where there isn't even a common understanding of what happened. I grieve all by myself, but I do look for support. There is a new zoom group starting which is UK based, so the hours may be difficult, it's for people who lost someone through addiction. I am really looking forward to that starting because I really relate to that aspect too, it's a grief in itself (one of the disenfranchised griefs) to bear witness to your beloved slowly destroying and losing himself in the addiction/psychosis that follows. If you're interested, just send me a message. I don't think it matters how long ago you were with the person or had them in your life. Grief really is timeless, the soul and the heart never forget just like Elephants. Eternally loyal. I must admit there are many exes I wouldn't grieve over if they died, I had problems with attaching and didn't let people too close. I have lost two parents but I've never had grief like this before, it's almost unbearable on my heart and soul. I just keep expressing, writing, remembering, crying,...

 

The soul and the heart never forget. Beautiful words. And true. I too have never grieved like this. I have been writing a lot and finding ways to express. The crying has waned. I cried throughout the day every day for the first two months. Guided meditations on grief from an app on my phone have helped me process my thoughts/emotions. This website has helped me connect with others experiencing the same thing. I also find support from Megan Devine’s book It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok. I think someone here had quoted her book, then a few days later I happened upon it at a local used book store. Thanks for sharing your experience with us. It helps.

 

I can’t begin to express how relieved I was to come across this site and to find this string of posts. I read over many of the posts and they are very similar to what I've going through. Three months ago I found out about the death of someone I cared deeply for 17 years ago. We met in a rehab treatment facility that year, 2004/- I was 27 at at the time and in there for attempted suicide after having a mental breakdown at tail end of an abusive relationship. He was 38 and in there following a similar mental meltdown as a result of an ex. He fell for me first and basically looked after me at the facility. Within three weeks of us being discharged we moved in together with another roommate, as boarders in her home. I fell for him shortly after but a series of unfortunate events followed— both our exes came back into the picture and almost came between us, he accidentally wrecked my car, and then I spent an emotional day in the ER with him following an overdose in which he was almost in a coma. We had to move again because our other roomate kicked him out, saying he stole from her. Not long after our new roomate accused him of similar wrongdoing and kicked us both out. I literally dumped him on the curb that night, homeless and nowhere to go. I was just at my wit's end. I'll never forget his last words to me-- "Are you sure you're going to be ok, driving in the dark and in the rain?" Something had always compelled me to tell our story so I started writing a book about it in 2012 and then resumed it again last year. On Thanksgiving Day 2021 I looked him up online to find that he had died in 2007--I couldn't find a death certificate, so I can only assume it was from intentional or unintentional overdose as he was addicted to prescription meds. I also found out he had schitzophrenia--it was on the car accident docket I pulled up this year, 17 years after the fact. He had not disclosed this to me but apparently had to the police. I have been absolutely devastated since finding out he is gone. I am married now with a 12 year old son. I met my current husband just three weeks after I split with this gentleman. It's as if I tucked our memories away in safe place in back of my mind for years, only to have them come flooding back once I began writing my book based on what we went through. I can't get through the day without crying uncontrollably. I cannot talk to my husband about it as I feel he wouldn't understand. I have also been obsessed with finding anyhting I can about my ex online, from his first wife and their son, to his brothers, nephew, etc. Somehow I feel like the more I find, the more I will feel re-connected to him but so far it has only made things worse. I also found a picture of his grave on findagrave.com. and would like to visit it when I return to my home state this year to see my mom. Anyways I just wanted to tell my story and let you all know you are not alone. Thank you for making me feel less crazy for having these dreadful feelings of unsurmountable loss and despair. The worst part is the guilt for having let go of him so quickly and for not checking up on him after we split, as I feel maybe I could have somehow prevented his death.

 

Sorry you are hurting so much, and I’m glad you found this thread. I’m always amazed how many people out there have similar experiences. Have you found anything that has made you feel closer to your person? I have that same feeling of somehow I could have helped him and prevented his death. I think we are not alone in that type of thinking. It’s all throughout this thread. For me, I’ve come to realize it’s more about wishing I could have talked to him again and resolved some things. I never thought about that until he died though, so the memories and feelings were definitely locked away. Weird how the mind works.

 

Hi and thanks for reaching out! I'm so sorry for your loss of your special someone as well! Yes I can definitely relate to thinking I could have prevented his death in some way even though he died 2.5 years after we last saw each other. There are some days I get angry at him, but most days I am angry with myself. It's easier for me to be angrier with myself than him for some reason. He saved me from myself and gave me hope when I was at the lowest point in my life, and I feel immensely guilty for not being as supportive as I could have been as we reached our end, in spite of everything that had happened between us. I was just so emotionally drained at that point and I could no longer keep us both afloat. I agree with you that I wish I could have resolved some things, asked the questions it took me 17 years to begin to find answers to....I locked all my feelings away and they just came flooding back. Do you experience life differently now that you know your person is gone? Everything I do feels different now because it is as if there is a huge void, and nothing that used to bring me joy brings me joy anymore. And I honestly feel like I'm stalking his son (whom he didn't even have a relationship with) on social media just because he reminds me of him. I found his old high school yearbook pic also, and I recently found photos of the first one we lived in together. In some ways those things make me feel closer to him but in other ways they elicit even more of the trauma of loaa response. Have you ever looked up "complicated grief" online??-I feel like I have all the symptoms. Hugs to you for what you're going through!

 

I love that question…YES.

I think we need to be gentle with ourselves for past behaviors. I know I did the best I could at the time.

I don’t like to read anything that presents grief as a problem that needs to be fixed or as something I should get over and move on from after a certain amount of time. I think grief is love and it just hurts. There is no timeline for when we should be done with grief and no right way to do it.

There is nothing wrong with you. It hurts because you love him. I hope you find ways to honor that part of you.

 

Yes I agree and being gentle is paramount in dealing with our grief. We have to forgive ourselves for knowing the things we know now that we did not know then and the fact that we handled everything the best way we knew how at the time. And grief has no time limit or restraints on it, or how it manifests or transforms as time goes on. I hope that you can find ways of honoring your special person as well and of keeping them close within your heart. I was thinking of writing a letter to my person and one from him to me, what I would have liked to have said to him had we be given another chance and vice versa....what bothers me the most is remembering the times we fought (especially the last time) and I shut down and he wanted to talk it out and I refused, and now what I wouldn't give to go back in time and open the door and hear him out, whatever it is he wanted to tell me....

 

I am glad you found this group. We can all relate to how you feel. That last sentence you wrote has gone through my mind too many many times. I think its wonderful you have been writing for so long. Nice to have those memories to go back to and read about your feelings. I believe only family and you need to prove that, can get a death certificate , Ive tried that too. I think alot about why we all feel this way years after. The only thing I can come up with is they meant so much to us at the time , we didnt even realize it. We put that time in the back of our minds for so long, that when it is thought of again its so powerful of emotions you feel like you are back in that time again. Its so confusing sometimes. Thank you for sharing your story with us.