Ms. Hum,
First, sending you the BIGGEST!!! virtual hug... All of this SUCKS!!!, feels so wrong... but, and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, I know all of our spouses would want us to be as happy as we possibly can be without them (physically) with us. I know this doesn't help, and I know you already know this, but when I'm feeling like I'm stuck on the bottom of that miserable roller coaster in Mr. Grief's over the top twisted amusement park, I think about how much Bob would want me to do my best to enjoy however long I have left on this earth. Sometimes, thinking about this, forces me out the front door, into fresh air, surrounded by nature, where I seem to find some sort of peace, something I couldn't say not all that long ago.
Like B-ster, I was Bob's full time care giver prior to his death, but unlike B-ster, I was only his full time caregiver for a little over three years. I didn't know it at the time, but thinking back, I now know I suffered from anticipatory grief. I can be a good actress when I have to, (learned this growing up with parents who could only love me conditionally), so Bob never knew how sad I was, a deep sadness, impossible for me to shake. Whenever he was sleeping, I would go into another room and cry... I did lots of crying in the shower. Looking back, I wish I had recognized it for what it was, had gone for counseling, because every minute Bob and I were together those last three years was so precious, a gift... Moments that should have only been treasured, not tarnished by tears.
I thought about his pending death often, praying he wouldn't suffer, praying he would be at peace, when God decided to take him. If Bob had agreed to hospice care, or even to palliative care, I think the quality of both of our lives would have been so much better. There's so much more I want to say about this, but I'm frazzled. I took a really long walk today, and the fresh air and sunshine wore me out. I wish so much I could box it up, send a box to everyone in our GIC "family" who has been experiencing miserable weather.
Wait, getting off track! Back to what I want to tell you. Although it was the most horrific time in my life during the last 24 hours of Bob's life, and for a long time following his death, after 18 months of having to live without Bob, my knight in shining armor, I'm finally able to experience real moments of happiness, although they're always laced with sadness, but unlike in the past, I can finally be fully present in the moment. I know this sounds like a contradiction but I don't know how else to describe how I'm feeling. It's like while I'm laughing, I can momentarily forget about Bob not being (physically) here with me, but soon afterwards, I feel a deep sense of sadness, sometimes survivor's guilt. I guess it's that happy mixed with sad feeling, as Robin describes it so perfectly. However, now 18 months later, the mix isn't as balanced, it's a little more happy than sad. No matter whether our spouses, significant others, girl friends/boy friends, died suddenly, without warning, or slowly seemed to wither away, until the last bit of life was sucked out of them, not one of us can ever be prepared for the over the top intense emotional pain that follows. However, looking back, I now know I began the grieving process way before Bob died. Maybe that's why after 18 months, I'm able to (sometimes) live in the moment, experience real moments of happiness.
One more thing I want to say. Lately I've been thinking lots about Tom Zuba's books. I can (almost) hear him telling me to "just say yes, yes to life," (or something similar to this.) I've been saying yes more than no lately, and I'm finding that sometimes even though I have to force myself to do something, like join my neighbors outside for happy hour, I'm usually glad that I did. Just yesterday,or was it???, I still lose track of time, my close widowed friend asked me if I wanted to join her and another couple for Thanksgiving Dinner. They're going to a delicious restaurant where Bob and I had one of those wonderful, long leisurely, romantic dinners... excellent food..., excellent conversation..., the kind of evening you wish could last forever... I surprised myself, and without hesitating, said YES!!! I know it's going to be a very bittersweet day, but I'm going to be with my very close friend, and the couple we're going with are lots of fun to hang out with. I can (almost) see Bob smiling, so proud of me for being brave enough to say YES!!!
I know none of what I just said helps you in any way, but the time for getting used to this new life we've been thrown into (I no longer believe we heal, but this is for another conversation) is different for each and every one of us. I think the advice Louster gave you was excellent, and I agree with you, Louster, and The Rose (sorry if I forgot to mention someone, I'm super tired!!!) that if you decide to go to counseling, it has to be with someone you feel comfortable with. There is NO!!! way I would see a grief counselor who didn't experience grief herself/himself. Also I wouldn't want to go to one who is very young, without enough life experience. My widowed friend saw a grief counselor for three sessions and stopped. She said she was young and clueless when it came to even remotely understanding the total heartbreak we've all experienced.
I just lost my train of thought, so tired I'm not sure if what I said will make much sense, but will hit send anyway. I think I just wrote you one of my "books," as Louster calls my way too long messages, even though I said I was going to keep this short. I can "talk" almost as much as I can talk. I know Bob would have something funny to say right about now. Just had to kick the F*CK out of Mr. Grief, but made sure I gave him an extra hard kick for you too. All of this SUCKS!!!,
I'm so grateful we have each other, our GIC "family" to "talk" to!!!, the one place I can visit and know that all of us understand each other in a way that those who haven't been through this hell, can never understand. While it totally SUCKS!!!, it's way beyond wonderful how TGW became one big "family," always here for each other, "listening" without judgement, offering advice, sharing experiences, all wrapped up with hugs and love. Together we CAN!!! and WILL!!! get through the darkest days in our entire lives... It's good to be "home."
Sending you and The Wink lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEBSTER
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