On Sept 7th 2018, I lost my Soulmate.

He was 55, we were together for 20 years. He was at work and had a massive heart attack. His best friend gave him CPR when he quit breathing till the ambulance arrived. His friend told me he said "I need help" before he quit breathing and "I love you brother". This has been so traumatic because we couldn't help him. He lived 24 hours with help but couldn't make it on his own. I feel so quilty because I couldnt help. My grief has just now kicked in to high gear. I cry every morning and especially at night! I have medical help because I already suffer from depression. He was like a Father to my son and my strength through all my losses, my nephew, my step-dad, my mom in just the last 8 yrs. He was there. I feel lost and the last one I needed to lose was him. How do I keep going? Will I ever get where I won't cry? How do people do this? Do you really find happiness again, I just need something to believe in again! I miss so much...

 

Losses have piled up in my life too: mom in 1983; dad, sister and 1st partner in 1999-2000 and 2nd partner 4 mos ago. Second partner loss is extremely difficult. I was going to grow old w/him. Instead he had a cardiac arrest in front of me June 30 at age 61. I am 58. Having gone thru this before, I know I will integrate it into my life. It will take time to do so, just like it will for you.

You keep going by dealing with your grief and not ignoring it. If you try to ignore, it will just stay w/you longer. It needs to be expressed for it to lessen.

I have grief rituals which I do when my heart tells me to express them. I cry, I look at pictures, I journal, I visit his parents' graves. I listen to his Native Anerucan music. I wear a LifeShare OK bracelet. I also wear his Medic Alert necklace. I got a lanyard made by the Delaware tribe and other keepsakes. As I see other rituals that will help me integrate his loss, I will try. If they make me feel better, I continue. If they do not, I will not. I also go to individual and group counseling.

 

Thank you, I feel cheated and get angry at myself for not making him have a better medical check-up. I'm going to try a ritual. I need closure. Maybe because we both decided to be cremated and bury our ashes together. No service, just goodbye. We thought it would be easier for everyone. Cremation is not easier, thought we would be old and ready, ha! I do want to bury his ashes in our spot, but I just don't have the strength right now, I'm just so emotionally drained, or maybe that's what I do need-closure. Just can't do it yet. So torn.

 

Hello country girl,
I waist my children’s father in June and I have cried every single day. I find myself wanting to die because the heartache is too much to take. Every single thing is a trigger. Every thing brings up a memory and you just die inside. We know that we will all die but yet we still think we will love forever. I’m sure you feel alone and I feel alone too. No one understands what grief can do to you. You cannot smile, you cannot be positive. You distance yourself from everyone and every event because your afraid of what your energy will do to others so you’d rather stay home alone. I may not have the answer you are looking for, but country girl you are not alone. My heart is broken too, I cry randomly throughout the day. I also get really fu*kin angry at the world!!

 

Waist =lost***

 

Thank you, I have had every emotion and I think anger is the hardest, I want to scream at the top of my lungs and beat something up! I want to just start running till I collapse. My Dad called me today, he has lung cancer and they never thought he would make it 4 yrs! Only a year they said or less. He's defied the odds. He was a Marine, so I get mad, I should make him feel better instead of the other way around. He says your strong, you can do this, so I thanked God today for him, I needed that, it helped. I hope you also find strength and peace for you and your children, until then our cheeks will be raw from the tears. Just being able to talk to someone helps. God bless.