No Peace

I always want to know how people feel after they reach certain milestones in the loss of your spouse. I have not been on the site in a little while and now, I find it so hard to believe it’s been three years just a little bit over that. I wonder how people feel still at three years. From myself, there is still no peace. I still have no desire to meet another woman some people say just go out and have some coffee even that it’s not too appealing unless you have lost a spouse also probably just want to know how you are doing? People say, don’t be bitter, but I am, my wife said I don’t want you to be lost without me, but I know that you will, no truer words ever spoken. My mind goes back to the day she passed away I can’t get some of the images out of my mind the pain ,suffering ,with cancer does. Why did she have to go through that? Why was she cancer free for 13 months we were giving praise every time I talk to someone about what God has done for my wife and then the cancer come back and she’s going to six months. What the hell was that? All the questions of why, angry at God people say God never fails, but he did. I wasn’t praying for my wife to go to heaven. I knew that she would. I was praying that she would be healed. People will say she is healed. Yeah but she’s not here. That’s the healing I wanted. I know some people who have lost a spouse and have remarried in less than a year. What I say to that is you didn’t have a good marriage. I believe now this pain never, never goes away. I will always want her back. It was So unfair, and I know people who have lost their spouse at a younger age but how many have lost their spouse three months after you retired and never get to do the same to dream dub but you have to listen to others who get to live their dreams. You do everything right and this is your reward. I’ve rambled on probably too much but I’m very much interested how others are doing god bless all of you.

 

It’s obvious I didn’t proofread everything.The part about the cancer came back and she was gone in six months also I meant to say never get to do the things you dream about and you listen to what others get to do like that cruise, Anyway, next time I will do a better job of proofreading LOL

 

Hi tgotyall, I'm so very sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved wife. I understand that you are still not over the trauma of watching her suffering so long, then your hopes of a recovery being shattered. My husband on the other hand, left this world suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack, two years and five months ago. He was only 57,fit and healthy, never any signs of health problems. Why? How? I'll never know and I'll never be at peace. We had only just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary a few months back,that same year. He is constantly in my thoughts, I feel him with me all the time, he is just not here physically. I haven't accepted his"death", even writing this word down seems so surreal to me, I never use that verb when I talk about him, he just isn't here. It's like being hit by an atomic bomb and then going through the aftermath. It seems like I'm living in a world that isn't mine, without him by my side I don't feel I belong here anymore. My two children keep me sane, I just exist for them. I get by continuing his legacy, every decision I make is based on what my C taught me, what we used to decide together, the love we shared meant we were 'fused' in mind, heart and soul, we still are, and always will be. I have a part of him and he has taken with him a part of me. The influence of his wisdom and intelligence is helping me continue my existence, supporting our son and daughter, getting on with our lives to honour their father. He made it all happen, made everything possible, "I am everything I am because he loved me", like Celion Dion sings. This comforts me and gives me the will to keep surviving along this tormented path I'm going through. I think that our special bonds with our soulmates will remain in eternity, something we will treasure forever and even if it's so difficult, we will just have to be grateful that we were lucky to have experienced this "once in a lifetime" joy, which is actually not over. We will carry it in our hearts, using it as a guide along this lonely, painful journey.

 

Thank you for responding. I am truly sorry for the loss of your husband, I can tell you two had a great marriage ,priceless. There are so many things you said that I think we all share. I sometimes wonder had my wife maybe passed away suddenly versus the cancer would it have been may be easier If you know when I’m trying to get at I don’t know. You’re also right and that I never say the word “died” I prefer to say passed away. Also, you know how it feels to lose someone in their late 50s and how your dreams of retirement get shattered. I believe for me this is the hardest thing to deal with. I just wanted this time to do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. Like you, I have my two children and six grandchildren with another granddaughter on the way at the end of July ,my wife lived for those grandbabies. Yes, it’s also the big reason why I keep going and make it through every day. It will be sad that she will not be there for the birth so I guess Papaw Is going to do his best imitation of Mamaw. Thank you very much Rose for sharing what you are going through. It truly does help to know how others are doing. Great love great loss. Take care.

 

Dear Tgotyall, My name is Patti, I came to say hi to everyone and just read your post.
Please know I understand all you are going through, this is a wonderful group, I felt
so very Blessed to connect with others that understand this journey after our dear love
one transitioned ( I find comfort in saying my dearest husband graduated to Heaven).
My husband name is Jack. May I ask your first name and your Dear wife name.
Jack had to retire early at age 57, I was 54. He wasn’t
Diagnosed with HORRABLE Parkinson’s till three months
after his retirement, I watched him struggle and one morning
I asked him to please give notice at work it was necessary to
early retire. No SS and he took penalty of retitling early. We did what
what was most important. The 24 year journey was heart wrenching
for him, and myself, I rook over doing everything, nine years
Prior to God calling him to Heaven, he fell and had a traumatic
brain injury, I totally took care of him at home,I thank God everyday
for the health HE gave me to do so.God gave me the strength
then as HE has all along.I lean heavily on HIM constantly. On
November 7 2016 as I held Jack in my arms, I told him Jesus had
His arms around him with mine and asked him to please go with
Jesus to be with God. I believe he waited for me to tell him this, he
struggled so hard through PD.We were Blessed 61 years married,
when I see couples together, I ask how long, and remind them ro cherish
every minute. To me it isn’t the number of time but the quality and “greatest
Gift in life is Love.”

Ir will be seven years in November, first four years I could not remember our
life before PD, this loss of spouse “family” helped me so much,
I
there is no time limit in grief, I’m so very sorry for all of us on this journey,
I hadn’t been in for quite awhile, please know when I speak of my Faith it is
Of my personal relationship with God, I Believe HE LOVES US ALL.
Blessings, Patti

 

Patti Thanks for responding and of course I am truly sorry for your loss. What a journey it had to be well I know it was very difficult, The journey still continues And still very difficult. My name is Tom some people call me Tommy and my wife ,Gina. What can I say she was the perfect wife and when I say we did everything together we did everything together. She even wanted to help me to work on the car lol that was the only thing that I wouldn’t let her do with me. She is truly missed just I know how much you miss Jack. Take care.

 

Hi Tom. I remember you because you are from Ohio my state’s eastern neighbor. Everyone has a commonality with our spouses here where we have never felt loved or loved someone as much. This makes loss extremely traumatic. When my beloved Cheryl transitioned two weeks shy of two years I told everyone I will never recover from this. Cheryl transitioned from a cardiac arrest suddenly and unexpectedly. I went into a free fall physically, mentally, and spiritually for 5 months. I found a therapist and in person grief support meetings and read everything I could regarding grief and meditation. I became a garden volunteer at the hospice I was attending grief meetings. Last summer I became a hospice volunteer. On my first follow up check up after Cheryl transitioned I found out my cancer was coming back. The last two years I’ve thought more about dying than I have about living. Long story short I have been given another clean bill of health after addional treatments. What do I want to do the rest of my life now? I will never be happy as with my beloved Cheerful Cheryl. But I truly want to live. No longer under the constant death sentence has given me hope. I’m still seeing a therapist I refer to as my healer. In my opinion recoverying from grief is like recovering from an addiction where I have to make a continuous effort or I will get sucked back in. I need to be reminded how to empower and encourage myself to keep going. I tried internet dating and found it frustrating. I may try it again later but I get the female companionship I need here at GIC. Patti has become my spiritual Godmother. Deb, Robin, Rose, Helena, and Karen are like my spiritual sisters. I don’t want to sound deliriously happy because I’m not. I’ve become okay functioning in my imaginary dream world with the nonphysical presence of my beloved Cheerful Cheryl. We are grief warriors. We get slayed by Mr Grief and then we rise up to get slayed and rise up again. Stick with us and keep expressing yourself. You are worth it. Gary

 

I have read the words of Tom, Rose, and Patti and found such similarities with my world. I thank you all for the candidness and genuineness of your words. Five years have elapsed since that day that ended Janet's life, and mine (I don't use words like "anniversary, milestone, and death"). Her life ended from the pain and suffering of cancer. Mine ended from unrelenting helplessness and grief. Her ashes are buried under her gravestone next to my gravestone, with the same date as hers and awaiting my ashes. Our gravestones are each engraved "Alone Together" and lie near the remote cabin where we were married many years ago on the isolated land where we lived alone together. The only footprints and kneeprints ever seen are mine.

You all realize that time does not bring peace and that there is no time limit in grief. The vastness of unending loneliness has become the reality of my life. I attended well-meaning church groups on grief without much relief. Perfunctory suggestions were made on ways to pass the time and even to "move on", and they appear adequate to some. But to those whose devotion to their spouse is unwavering, there is no alternative to the bedrock belief that there will be a reuniting someday. Janet and I are very spiritual believers, and her spiritual life began on that same day five years ago when her natural life ended (I refer to 1 Corinthians 15:44 for those who have faith in Bible scriptures). I have had undeniable spiritual encounters with her over the last five years. It's what keeps me going in my otherwise meaningless life of treading water and marking off calendar days. Some wonder about the boundary between life and death and if there is spiritual life after death. When asked, I simply answer, "Those of us who have experienced spiritual encounters need nothing further to convince us. Those who are skeptical only await their first spiritual encounter to become believers."

 

Oh wow Patti what a beautiful way to put this into perspective. I am truly blessed to have known my amazing hubby, rock and love of my life. I am grateful for the special times and the priceless moments. We were truly blessed.
To tgotyall I feel your pain. I believed God told me my hubby was being healed from cancer. He sailed through chemo and was waiting for his scan results only to pick up a flu bug and to fall over dead 4 days later. What happened here? I even prayed for him to be resurrected while I gave him mouth to mouth and still believed he would open his eyes, but he never did. Now I feel guilty for not doing more, confused because how did I misunderstood God and if I only heard what I wanted to hear how many other things am I getting wrong? I did feel though that I was shown because I believed in his healing, I was Dave's champion and cheerleader and that made his journey easier for which I am grateful. I still feel guilty that I did not understand at the time that this silly flu bug would cause his death. So many answers we will only be getting one day and we suffer excruciating pain. God bless you and I pray you get your peace back, as we all desperately need. Suretha

 

I apologize for Not responding sooner you take the time and I’m so thankful for your sharing your experiences from both Suretha and Jeffery. I agree with you, Jeffrey there is no timetable for this pain. It seems so surreal and every day I still think I can’t believe what happened. I too agree that we will be together once again, and just like you it truly is the only thing that keeps me going and to hold on to my faith.Suretha like you I felt the same way. What was I missing when I thought I was hearing from God and did I get it all wrong ,you know you did all you could do ,I guess sometimes that’s human nature to feel we should have done more . I know I have question myself many times about weather I could have done more or things differently. I just don’t know for every day. Yes, it is every day I think of her and how unfair what happened to her and what happened to us, Like you just wasn’t the plan. I do hope that one day we do get some kind of peace. It’s so hard to look into the future and now I truly do take it and try to make it one day at a time. Be strong and very courageous. Take care.