Need suggestions

Hi, i just lost my best friend in the world and love of 4 years.
He lived in another country, and i visited him 1-2 times a year and we talked every day and night sometimes all day and night on skype minus a day here or there.
Suddenly his friend told me he is dead and was run down with a car. It is all over the news. Somebody was drunk and texting and hit him on his bike and left the scene leaving him dead. She was also a nurse. She could have maybe helped.
He was left to die all alone with nobody to help him. He might have been scared i don't know if he felt anything or knew what happened.
I am completely devastated. I keep expecting him to call me. We were extremely close and now NOTHING no goodbye nothing. I don't know what to do. Everything feels like a dream. I am not even in his country and can not go because of pandemic. I can only talk to his friends and family online.

I don't know what to do.

 

So sorry for your terrible loss. You will feel every emotion as the days follow one another. Mostly at first I was just shocked when my husband died. I don't remember much of the first couple of weeks just that I kept thinking "This can't be true" Know that there is no right or wrong way to be right now. Do what you must, one day at a time, do not worry what others will think. You get to be totally selfish at this time. You will instinctively do what is right for you. I screamed, I cried, I cursed. I thinking feeling your feelings is a good thing. Do just the next necessary thing, time will pass, it will get softer, easier. In time you will be OK. Give yourself time.

 

But how long does the dream like feeling last? i can't stand it i feel like reality isn't real. I feel like i am going crazy. It all feels fake. Did you ever get any signs from your loved one? I am begging him to send me a sign if he could just send me a sign i would be better.

 

It will be 7 months for me on the 11th. It felt very, very unreal for about 3-4 months, then it was like I woke up from the dream and knew it was real. Then it seemed even worse for a while...I was so sad that it was real. He was gone forever. Now it is still up and down but the good days are more often and the bad less often. I am retired and for the first time in my life living alone, so much change. I made a quilt out of his clothes...front squares from his shirts and back squares from his pants. I keep it on the sofa and cuddle with it every night while I watch TV. I still have 2 pictures that I have on the table, I like a candle in his memory and tell him my plans over breakfast everyday. I have been going through his things and have donated, given to friends, or tossed a lot of stuff. But some things are still where he last placed them. I did get one sign...he died Oct 11th and there was no sign until I went shopping for groceries just before Christmas...I hate grocery shopping so he always did it all...anyway the parking lot was packed and I knew the store would be too...as I got out of my car I smelled his cologne so clearly I looked around to see...there was no one near me but the smell stayed with me right to the store and while I was shopping. It was like he knew and was helping me shop. It takes time and you just need to do the next things. Be gentle with yourself. Reading on here I think we all feel at first that we are going crazy..that's grief.

 

That is so so sad. It makes me think sometimes we are in hell. For such bad things to happen to good people. Peter was a such a sweet guy he forgave ALL anyone did to him people could be cruel to him or do hurtful things and he wouldn't even let ANY of it in his heart he let it go always and told me it's better to have a friend than an enemy. he would give the last of what he had to somebody if they needed it and would suffer without if he had to.
he was always happy always easy going and always wanted me to be happy, That is so cool you got a sign from him with his smell. i REALLy hope he sends me a sign soon i need to know he is ok. It just happened the evening of 5/5 I think if it was a slow death it would be more accetable. The fact it was so violent so fast he couldn't even protect himself, i hope he wasn't scared. I keep waiting for him to call me and be so happy or tell me what happened but NOTHING nothing ever again. Tt's too much to bear for me. i need to say goodbye to him i need to talk to him and say goodbye

 

Machelen,
I’m so sorry for your tragic loss. Such a loss of your loved one and so far away, I’m sure you feel numb, your mind is in a fog like state. It’s like a nightmare you want to wake up from. Nothing can prepare you for such a loss, the pain is overwhelming. And this pandemic, certainly doesn’t help.
I lost my husband suddenly to a heart attack. He didn’t feel well and 2 hours later he was gone. He was never sick, there were no signs, nothing to warn us at all. We were together since I was 16 and Ron was 19, together 44 years and married 41, we did everything together, perfect for each other. Ran a business together that I had to close. I was in shock after he passed, felt like I was in a fog, I don’t really recall the first month.
Ainie gave you good advice to live one day at a time, one hour or one minute at a time, whatever you’re up to. Don’t push yourself. I’m afraid there’s no real time frame for any of the feelings and pain you’re feeling. Everyone moves in their own time. It’s a slow process. I’m glad you’re talking with his family and friends that’s good for you. Talking helps a lot. This site helps with that as well, sharing your story and reading other people’s stories is very helpful. I didn’t find this site til it was 11 months since he passed, and I was not in a good place at all. A couple months after I found this site and started posting and reading, things started to slowly feel some better, better days here and there that I was not having before. So thankful for this community of people even though it’s so sad why we’re all on here.
Ainie, I love that you’ve gotten signs from your husband, smelling his cologne feels so nice I’m sure. I keep smelling Ron’s deodorant, usually in our room. I’ve actually seen him a couple times and his favorite songs come on the radio when I’m listening to a station you would not expect to hear them on. Sometimes the signs make me cry, but always leave me feeling better afterwards. Keep your mind open to signs, for me they happen when I least expect it.
Machelen, I feel for you that you couldn’t say goodbye, but I talk to Ron all the time, maybe try talking to him. I’m sure he’s watching over you and he’ll always be with you. He’s a part of who you are.
Mourning and grief are so hard on us. It wears you out, be sure to take care of you.
Sending hugs! Robin

 

Thankyou that is so sad to hear. I can't imagine going 44 years when just 4 years is bad. I am surprised you didn't die yourself you must be strong.
Do you get signs from your husband? I am just begging for signs i feel so sad

 

Thank you! Afraid I don’t feel strong, I almost passed out when the doctor came in and told my daughter and I that he didn’t make it. Hard time even writing those words.
Yes I do get signs. I get them often. Usually when I least expect it. Like shopping in a store and hearing one of Ron’s favorite songs that you would never hear in a store, I have RA and Ron helped me do many things he’d offer me his hand many times to help me get up from a chair or out of a car etc. one day as I was struggling to get out of my daughters car, I saw his hand reach out to help me. I Often smell his deodorant in our bedroom. And some things happen that later I think about it and realize wow that had to be Ron. When I’m thinking I wish Ron would give me a sign, I don’t usually get signs. A couple nights ago, a shirt he had put on the knob of his dresser, suddenly fell to the floor. It’s been hanging where he left it, I hadn’t touched it or moved it. It was actually around 5am and I heard something, I looked around and couldn’t figure out what it was. Then in the morning I saw his shirt had fallen. Be patient, I’m sure you’ll get signs, sometimes they’re very subtle.
I know the sadness you’re feeling and it’s so painful. Take care of yourself. He’d want you to.
Robin

 

I am already getting some crazy signs but i just want them to keep coming and coming, and be strong. i Don't want to hink they are just coicidences i need proof he is ok to get better. I feel i can not live without him i am sure you feel the same. I don't know what to do.
It is good you got signs i can't believe you saw his hand, really?
Did you get scared at first?

 

Yes I totally saw Ron’s hand, out stre he’d like he always did when he was helping me. I loved seeing his hand there for me but it made me cry hysterically. My daughter ran over to me to see what was wrong. I shared with her that i just saw Dad’s hand reach out to help me. It was great, and so familiar, didn’t feel scared at all. Another time I had misplaced my credit card, I searched and searched, couldn’t find it but knew it wasn’t left in a store. After searching all day, that night I had a dream and Ron told me your credit card is in the car. In the morning I was like wow, Ron told me to check the car, first thing I did was check my car. It took me a while but sure enough, I found it in the back on the floor! Crazy! But Ron took me to the car to search. I get a lot of signs, I know not everyone believes in such things but finding my credit card made me a total believer. Ron’s watching over me and helping me. I’ve gotten many signs. I agree I don’t want them to ever stop. My daughter felt her Dad sit on the side of her bed, it was the middle of the night, she was missing her Dad and she felt his presence and saw a shadow type figure. She wasn’t scared either, she said it made her feel calm and comfort. I’ve experienced similar visits too.
I do feel the same, I miss him desperately. I miss him all day every day, but today, Mother’s Day is being extremely hard. My daughter is with me and my son has checked in.
What signs have you had?
Things do get some better, it takes time.

 

Well a lot of signs I had a dream of him and in the dream he hugged me and kissed me and then i was opening a barn, with some sort of note in my mind being read that i was given a gift and he had left many sheep and animals out in the farm ( i love animals and he was from a country with all sheep and animals and liked to make funny animal noises) in the dream i opened the barn and it looked like noahs ark and the first animals that ran to me was this exotic cat like a bobcat sized exotic cat. and then i saw TONS and tons of exotic animals all over and stuff i said this is like noaks ark and then the next day my mom called me and i had already told my friends about the dream and it being like noahs ark and my mom called yesterday and said said lynn i wanted to tell you i saw a movie evan allmight and it's about a guy who builds noahs ark. And then after we hung up i saw she had texted me before she called and had ''noahs ark'' in quotes.....and then this morning this is the day after the dream my friend sim who i didn't tell about and almost never sends me any sort of picture, sent me a pic of the same exact exotic cat i dreamt of the first animal in the dream that i had touched...VERY STRANGE and i said sim did i tell you about the dream/ i thought i was forgetting and he goes i am not sure i said it was yesterday???? and hes like no but you can search and check (on skype) so i went and walked to put my computer on and as it was booting up i didn't sign in (needs password) i didn't do ANYTHING i just put it on and walkedinto the bathroom naked and as i was peeing (sorry) i heard somebody LOUD talking in the livingroom and i paniced thinking people who work from my housing complex came in, and i sadi HELLO HELLO?!!!!! but then i heard it was him talking and i got SCARED at first because it was him talkking very loud but then i realized it was some video playing on my computer so i went out and a video of him was playing and i could hear him talking saying hi etc and i wasn't even signed in yet i even took a video......And i signed in and i saw a video was playing of him......
Also i keep saying to everyone i never got to say goodbye and crying nonstop about it.....and last night in the bath i went to type sorry to a friend for not replying that i was in the bath, so i typed S and suddenly it auto corrected the s to ''adeiu '' and i said WHAT THE HECK? why did the s change to adeiu, and i think that's another language (he was foreign) and so i did google translate right? and it said it means GOODBYE ............so just NOW as i type this i went to find out what language it was like last night, i couldn't find it suddenly so i searched the word itself and i'm freaking out even more, now because it doesn't JUST mean goodbye it means ''A farewell, a goodbye; especially a fond farewell, or a lasting or permanent farewell.
adieu

1. Said to wish a final farewell; goodbye.

it can also mean TO GOD.

So i am kinda of freaked out by this but i don't want it to mean it's goodbye forever. I need him to stay with me forever till i die also

also it says it is like old french or dutch and he spoke both. Dutch was his native language but also spoke french mixed in.

 

Hi there Robin,
Nice to know your Ron still looks out for you,even as we come to terms with our new journey in life.

Funny with signs. I have not recieved any until last week Wed when Gran had come into my dream an gave me a warm kiss and I said "wow,its been awhile aye...how about it"-was my funny response and she says no-hehe...
Leading upto this,everyone from Aunties to cousins were saying had seen Gran come see them,and asking me if I have. I sadly say no,an then I'm thinking-have I done something wrong that she hasnt....
I am sooo glad that my Gran visited me,making me feel at ease that maybe I am going in the right direction or she's happy where we are at the moment...

Thank you Robin for being there for us newbies as we cherish your time an effort.

Stan

 

I’m glad you’re getting signs, to me it means he’s with you, he’s aware of your pain and sending signs. The “adieu”, very possibly a sign, chose a foreign language so you thought of him right away.
I get a lot of signs, we had spoken about trying to reach the other when one of us passes. And we had before he passed sent each other messages all the time from far away, the other always got them. I was always the better receiver and Ron best at sending. So I expected to get signs. My first was the second day after he passed. And have been fairly constant ever since. Some small some wonderful and so comforting. And both our kids get signs, my brother did too. His was more of a silly conversation, which made sense, they had a good relationship.
I know many people who read this wil think it’s crazy, but I know what I’m experiencing. I had a cousin pass one month before Ron, after Ron passed and I was already getting signs from Ron I got a message from my cousin. I reached out through text to his sister to let her know I got a message and I’d like to share it with the family. She stopped texting me. So I took it as she thinks it’s crazy. I believe these things happen, but let’s say it’s all in our minds, it hurts no one and if it supplies comfort all the better. I also get messages from both my parents too.
I didn’t get to say good bye either and live with guilt because as he waited to get rolled into the ambulance he yelled, “ I love you Robin, I love you Robin” he yelled at least 5 times. So sweet and loving! But I didn’t answer him. I have guilt about that. I was sure he’d be coming home. He knew I loved and love him still but I wish I said it.

 

Stan,
Yes, I believe he knows I’m struggling terribly and he is watching over me. My daughter and I were trying to bleed her sprinklers for the winter, Ron always did them but we were with him so we thought we could do it. As we started we were confident, then we realized we weren’t sure on the process. Then all the sudden, I knew exactly what we needed to and then my daughter knew and we did it perfectly. And later we each shared that we felt Ron’s presence.
I’m glad Gran visited and gave you a kiss. Isn’t that the best feeling? I’ve experienced that with Ron too. It’s not enough but we’ll take what we can get.
I’ll share that there are mountains and valleys a plenty, and it’s a long slow process. As you know each of us is different in time and how we move forward. Losing your life partner, your family member or who ever you’ve lost puts a big hole in your heart your life your everything. It takes time. I’m glad you have family reaching out and offering support.
Robin

 

I know what you mean I was thinking some of the same things. That's so sad but so sweet that the last thing he said was love you love you it's so sad he had to die it isn't fair I wish they could contact us 24 7and just stay with us till we die.

 

You’re right, it just feels so unfair. Forever isn’t long enough, I know that. But these losses cause so much pain. But there’s pain because we had such a love. I choose have the wonderful love and feel this pain. The pain is debilitating, but not experiencing that love is not an option.
It would be great if we could have constant contact. I do believe we’ll be with our loved ones again in time.

 

It's true. He is the only one i ever truly loved and the only man who ever loved me. Without him i would have never had that. I was talking to somebody about the fact he could have died a different way, a heart attack, cancer. Who knows. it could have been a year later who knows.....We just don't know. But i would be nothing without him, i just feel like i can not live without him though i don't even know if i will make it i could be like those people who die when the partner dies.

 

I know the feeling you speak of. That was me too. I can’t really remember the first month after Ron passed, its a blur, my mind was in a fog. And even now I wonder how I made it this long. I’m glad you’re talking with friends. It is true, we never know what tomorrow will bring. Like the day Ron passed, we had no clue what that evening would bring at us. We had a day of errands and shopping and helping my daughter and chicken rice soup for dinner. Then the nightmare, burned in my memory forever. My older brother retired shortly after Ron’s passing. He said it made him think, who knows what tomorrow will bring, I want to enjoy my family and so he retired. I’m glad he did, just wish it was someone else making him think and not Ron. I think we’re all stronger then we believe we are, like I said, I’m shocked I’m still here. It’s a slow process.