My wife and very best friend went home six weeks ago

I lost my wife and very best friend of over 24 years six weeks ago. She was diagnosed with cancer and six weeks to the day later she went home and I am so very glad that she is now with our Lord. But I hurt and I miss her something awful. Sometimes the sadness is overwhelming and I weep uncontrollably. Tough for a man to say. It good to hide behind a keyboard sometimes.

I don't know what to do with myself, we were very very close and I cared for her 24x7 those last six weeks at home. Hospice was here a few days a week and were available on call and they were great..but a strong, independent women, my wife and friend , disappeared before my eyes. One day I was just helping her to tie her shoes and I blinked and I had to help in the bathroom because she couldn't walk anymore. From cooking her food to helping her eat what amounted to baby food, and it just got worse from there till she stopped eating and then drinking and then became unresponsive. At one point in the first few weeks she looked at me with sorrow and said she saw a very tired man behind my eyes. The last night I awoke at 5:30 in the morning to give her her meds and she was unresponsive and just taking tiny little breathes. I climbed back in bed with he and held her hand. I fell asleep and woke 20 minutes later and her hand was cold, and no more tiny little breathes.

What is most sad right now are the little things, I see something and want to tell her, or ask some stupid question on whether I should do this or that and then realize she doesn't care anymore what I do or how I do it or when I do it. I was her husband and now I don't know what I am and nothing really seems to matter. Sometimes I fall asleep watching TV and when I wake up I think for a moment that I was dreaming it all and she is still here but she is not. I try to count the blessings; she is with the Lord, everyone in the family got to say goodby, it was fast and thanks to hospice she didn't suffer, the Lord let me care for her when she needed it most and I held her hand right to the doorstep of Heaven.

I stumbled on this website the other day and so many others have experienced what I am going through, so much pain. Thank you for listing to this old man I could not share these feeling with family members it only makes them uncomfortable, and my best friend isn't here to listen and comfort me. God bless you all.

 

Sorry to hear about your wife. I lost my mother suddenly in May and have been caretaker for my father since. While I did not lose a spouse, I can relate to the caregiver stress. I can also relate to expecting your loved one to still be there. I stumbled onto this site just as you did - lost and looking to commiserate with others who are also grieving. I hope you find the site helpful.

 

Thank you. I pray the Lord will bless you as you care for your dad.

 

So very sorry for your loss. I know what you are going through. I lost my husband 6 months ago to cancer. Our stories are very similar. Everyone seems to think you should just get over it and you will be fine. The truth is I have cried every day, sometime 3 or 4 times throughouot the day,everyday since he passed away. I don't think people realize just how hard it is to lose a beloved spouse.

 

I also am sorry for your loss. I agree the loss of a spouse is different. I think the closeness, love and emotional intimacy for one another is unlike any another relationship. I cling to Jesus and don't understand how people without God in their lives deal with life's trials. He is our hope that someday we will see our loved ones again. I pray that the Lord will hold you in his great arms, wipe away your tears and pour out his blessings of comfort upon you.

 

I received your response to my post yesterday, but never read your story until just now. I just stumbled across it. I am so sorry to hear your story, and you are so right, we cannot share these most intimate feelings with family members, it makes them very uncomfortable. However, this site is wonderful, if I could really figure out how to use it. Can I say, my story is so similar to yours. I cared for my husband myself until his last breath and I too was in bed with him holding him in my arms. I felt it was such an honor to care for him the way I was able to do. The only thing I could not do for him was save his life. If I could have, I would have taken the cancer and died in his place. But sometimes I see it as a blessing because he no longer suffers and I would not want him to be lost and in the emotional pain I live in every day of my life. Before he died, he apologized for having to leave me, which made me cry uncontrollably, that he was the one dying and his only concern was me! But he said he just couldn't live a day without me and he knew I could be strong until we met again. Our stories are the ultimate meaning of pure love.
I wish I knew where the people from NH lived, I would love to put together a small support group and meet in person.
I am from the Dover area. Is there anyone else out there from this area or within traveling distance who would be interested in something like this. I would love to hear from you. Blessings to all. Annalese