Loss of my soulmate

Cheryl Lynn,

I'm so very sorry that your husband, Leo, recently passed away. I HATE!!! saying this because words seem so very shallow at times, now being one of them, so I hope you know how truly sorry I am. My husband, Bob, transitioned almost 29 months ago. He was sick for many years, but up until the beginning of 2018, he was able to enjoy life, in spite of having many serious health issues. It was in the beginning of 2018 that I had to become his full time caregiver. It was the most difficult, challenging "job," I've ever had to do, but I would do it all over again, if only I could...

You express your feelings beautifully, and I can relate to everything you've said. You are a strong woman!!!, TUTTAM!!! (Total Understatement To The Absolute Max, a DEB original), probably much stronger than you're feeling right now. You're already doing so many things to help yourself move forward by exercising, finding ways to honor Leo's memory, (I love that you turned his work boots into planters and that your son made one of his favorite meals to celebrate what should have been his next birthday), allowing yourself to grieve, and by finding both online and in person support groups. You're being gentle with yourself, realizing that even if you have a bad day, the next one might be better. This journey is definitely like a never ending roller coaster ride, with its twists and turns, and ups and downs... It SUCKS!!!, TUTTAM!!!

However, having said all of this, I want to end things on a much more positive note. I don't remember exactly when it happened, but one day, I was able to laugh again, a real laugh, not one of those forced, fake laughs. I had a light bulb moment. I was going to be okay again, even though life would never be as good as it once was. Robin, a friend, and member of our GIC "family," describes this the best. She said life becomes "a mix of happy and sad." I can finally say that life has become a mix of happy and sad, for me too, so very bittersweet... Although the time line for moving forward, (I no longer believe in healing), is different for every one of us, you've already taken a BIG!!! step forward.

I'm so very sorry you had to find us, but so very glad you did. I'm glad you're sticking around, and giving us the chance to get to "know" you, and you the chance to get to "know" us. Welcome to our GIC "family," TGW (The Grief Warriors), as Lou appropriately named us.

We're here for each other, doing everything we can to support each other, refusing to let grief destroy our lives, TUTTAM!!! TGW stick together through all the highs and lows, through all the twists and turns, on this never ending roller coaster ride of emotions... You are already a strong, determined GW.

Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye (my dog, who I adopted this year, who gives me lots of wet, sloppy kisses and lots of TLC, who has taught me to slow down and appreciate all the simple things in life...)

 

Cheryl Lynn, I think you are taking the right steps moving forward. I also attended a grief share group and found important benefit from the group. As with this site, you will be meeting with those who have suffered the same loss as yourself. Therapists and counselors may also provide benefit, but there is no substitute for the words of those who are living the same life as yourself. Of course, if you have them available, friends and family offer important support.

What an upbeat request you have made; namely, for others to share how they are honoring the legacy of their soulmate. Too often we dwell on the sadness of our loss instead of the memory of our lost loved one. I hope you get a number of responses to your request. I have found inspiration from the stories that others offer on how they honor the memory of their loved one.

I'll go first. Janet and I lived a remote life deep in the woods in a cabin on a three-acre lake that has a small peninsula jutting out into the lake near the cabin. I buried her ashes under her gravestone on the tip of that peninsula along with a secure container holding her wedding dress, my wedding tie, and other personal items. My gravestone is also there beside hers and awaits my ashes. Both gravestones carry the same date of her passing, since my life effectively ended on that same day. The words "Alone Together" are chiseled into both gravestones in honor of our life together and after her favorite true story of an elderly couple that lived their final years "Alone Together" on an otherwise uninhabited island off the coast of Maine. Needless to say, that is sacred ground. Jeff.

 

my wife terry passed on jan 15 2023. i to passed thar day as what we not me lived is gone. how/why do i go on?

 

hi lynn i started this tread,

 

Jeff
Thank you for sharing. I was visually taken away as you vividly described the beautiful details of where you and Janet had started this life together and now honoring her by having made plans to be with her one day. How special and sacred.

My husband Leo was a proud and dedicated bricklayer for the BAC local 15 and in the masonry trade for over 30 years. We ended up in Kansas to start a life together and found a stone house built in 1915 with about 2 acres. How ironic to find this old stone charm and to be with Leo in the masonry trade. It was meant to be. Leo has touched every room with his creativity of wood, brick and stone work. I told Leo if anything should happen to him that I would finish what we started here together. There were several other projects that Leo was working on and so I'm in the midst of getting those done. I'm just sad that Leo couldn't be here to enjoy the fruits of his labor and to see lil Leo grow up. Our home feels very different without Leo being physically here but he is still with us.
I'm grateful to have finally found a grief support group for kids that have had the same loss. We are making progress one day at a time.
Cheryl Lynn

 

You go on because there is no alternative. You have to; for Terry... Even for yourself... I totally hear you bro..

 

there better be

 

There's no choice really... Have to do it

 

Thank you Deb for sharing and all of your kind words. That means a lot to me. I, too, am very sorry to hear of the loss of your husband, Bob. Being a caregiver is not easy. That takes a toll over time, mentally and physically when you're going thr

Hi Deb
Thank you for the warm welcome and all your kind words. I, too, am deeply sorry to hear of the loss of your husband, Bob. Being a caregiver is not easy. That takes a toll over time, mentally and physically when you're going through it. I'm glad to hear that you can laugh again. Laughter is good for the soul. I love your dogs name, Skye. What breed is your fur baby? I adopted a beagle pointer mix in April of this year. The shelter called him Maverick, (Top Gun) as Lil Leo would sometimes refer him. He's been a joy and comfort to us.
One day at a time
Cheryl Lynn

 

looks like it me and geo. i must be invisable

 

I am quite used to being ignored and invisible... I live in Stealth Mode!
When not ignored I'm rejected and ridiculed!

 

Cheryl Lynn,

Although I HATE!!! that you have to be here, I'm so glad you are!!! A big thank you, to you too, for being here for me, even though Leo's transition is very recent. When I was going through the worst of it, I wasn't able to sleep, the bags under my eyes were huge. A member of our GIC "family," who hasn't been around for a very long time, said that she looked like Uncle Fester from the Addams Family because of how big the bags under her eyes were. She got some of us to lol, something I'll NEVER take for granted again, TUTTAM!!! I didn't take care of myself. I was totally focused on doing everything I could to take care of Bob, and to carry out his wishes, the very best I could. I was stressed out to the max, 24/7. We live in an area that had very poor health care at the time, and the local hospital wasn't equipped to take care of all of Bob's needs.

As a result, I drove him, sometimes up to 3 times/week, to the only hospital in the area that had all of the specialists and technology Bob needed. The hospital, depending upon traffic, could take anywhere from approximately 1.5 to 2 hours to get there, and sometimes even longer. Every three weeks, I brought him for cancer treatments. It was an all day thing. Many times we had to leave the house between 5:30 - 6 a.m., and didn't get home until after 7 p.m. Once home, I had to help Bob shower, then make us dinner. He had lots of health issues, all requiring different diets, which made eating out way too challenging.

Then COVID hit. I had to continue to drive him to the hospital but was no longer allowed inside. I could wait in the car outside of the cancer center, if I was lucky enough to snag one of the few metered parking spaces. If not, I had to park in one of the garages, not a place I wanted to hang out in for any length of time. In the good weather, I would bring a book and sit outside the cancer center on a stone wall. In bad weather, I had no choice, I had to wait in my car. I wasn't even allowed inside to use the rest room, so I had to drive about 5 miles to a shopping center, which had a very small restroom inside of a grocery store.

Many times, I would park the car in the lot outside of the grocery store, and spend the day in my car, either trying to read, or talking to a few of my very closest friends, who let me cry for hours on end. Bob would call me when he was finished, and I would drive back to the hospital to get him. I had to find a place to park the car, which wasn't easy, close to the cancer center, in order to make it easier for Bob to use his rollator ( a walker with a seat attached) to get from the entrance to the car. Then I had to help him into the passenger seat, fold up the rollator, it was heavy!, and squeeze it into the trunk, while surrounded by traffic and impatient motorists. As Bob's health continued to spiral downhill, I had to borrow one of the hospital's wheelchairs to get him to the car, help him into the passenger seat, then return the wheelchair, before getting into the car, and waiting for a break in the traffic, so I could get out of the parking space, onto the road, and head home. I was both physically and emotionally drained, before hitting the highway.

I could go on and on and on, "talking" about what my life was like while I was Bob's full time caregiver, there's lots more!!!, TUTTAM!!!, but not wanting to outlast that Energizer Bunny, I'll stop here. In spite of lack of sleep, 24/7 stress, going through anticipatory grief (although I wasn't aware of what it was at the time, and I morphed into an excellent actress, able to hide how much of an emotional, and physical wreck, I was from Bob, not wanting him to worry about me), not having enough hours in the day to do everything I needed to do, I would have done anything I possibly could to make Bob comfortable, and to help him live the remaining amount of time he had left on earth, on his own terms. There is absolutely nothing I wouldn't have done for him. I loved him, and still love him, with all my heart.

Onto much happier things... The rescue where I adopted Skye thinks that she is an English Setter mix. Some people think that she looks like a cross between an Australian Shepard and an English Setter. Others think she might have some Border Collie in her. I'm clueless as to what kind of dog she is, but someday, I think it would be fun to buy one of those DNA tests to find out. They now have one that is supposed to be able to tell you how old your dog is. The rescue gave Skye an approximate birthdate of November 1, 2019, so that's the day we'll celebrate her birthday.

I love!!! that you also adopted a shelter fur baby. I'm trying to imagine what Maverick looks like. What a great name!!! I'm thinking he's a very handsome guy... Do you know approximately how old he is?

Just as Skye is for me, I'm glad Maverick is a joy and comfort for you and Lil Leo. Dogs ask for so little from us, but give us so much in return... Dogs are the absolute best!!!, TUTTAM!!!

When I was growing up, my parents rescued a beagle who, in those days, was going to be euthanized, because she was the smallest dog in the litter, and very nervous. She morphed into a wonderful companion for me and my sister while we were growing up.

Yikes!!!, I'm starting to ramble again, and really need to accomplish a couple more things on my daily to do list, so going to stop here.

As always, sending you, Lil Leo, and Maverick, lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye

 

Hi Deb
You did the best that you could caring for your husband, Bob. He was very blessed to have had you by his side. I went through a similar situation with my dad in 2019 when he was diagnosed with lung cancer. I went to be with him and help my mom with his care. Each day rolled into the next and we never knew if it would be a good day or bad day for my dad. Exhausting is an understatement. The one thing I'm grateful for, is the time I had with my dad. It gave me closure after his passing. Unlike my husband, Leo, his passing was sudden. I miss them both dearly and I give myself grace on the hard days. I have a lot to be thankful for, and so I focus on the positive.

Your fur baby sounds beautiful. My Maverick is 7 months old and he has more pointer markings than beagle. His coat is very soft and white with black and brown spots. The funniest thing is that he tilts his head every time I talk to him with an expression of great concern. I can't help but laugh.
I really enjoy hearing from you, Deb. Thank you for being a bright light here.
One day at a time
Cheryl Lynn

 

deb 321 amazing that u surrived/

 

i hate this day i want my wife/life back

 

Hello Lynn, I'm sorry I haven't replied yet. I noticed your first post during a period when I was feeling particularly sorry for myself (actually, I think we all have the right to!). I needed to "switch off" for a couple of days. I had made a terrible mistake, doing something I know I shouldn't have:watching our wedding videos!
My heart goes out to you for the loss of your husband, and at such a young age. We are all here for you, you have done the right thing joining this site, everyone has helped me so much, don't know what I'd do without them.
It will be three years in November since I lost my husband suddenly, unexpectedly, due to a cardiac arrest, at only 57 years of age. It's like yesterday though, there is no time, we just learn to live with this pain, it becomes more tolerable, more manageable. Like carrying a heavy load which gradually seems to feel lighter, and the love we shared (we share) with our soulmates is actually guiding us along, helping us go on. We become stronger, I have my son and daughter keeping me sane, and I must stay strong for them., I'm so glad you have found a youth support group for your son, we don't have these services here unfortunately, in my country (Italy), sharing one's grief is still a "taboo" subject.
Sending you comfort and strength.
Rose

 

i have no one to help me

 

where is every body

 

Hi Rose
Thank you for sharing. I'm so so sorry to hear of your husband's sudden passing. I understand the switching off. I'm feeling a lot of that lately. It's having that self awareness to self care. Our grief share group went well for my son and I last evening. He made some connections and wants to continue to go. Our group talked about the different ways grief can effect us and our identity. I'm angry that grief forces us to change. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently. Perhaps I can look at this as an opportunity for a new beginning of something positive. I'm trying to work through these emotions. I really don't like myself feeling angry, or sad for any length of time. That's not who I am. Life is going to keep moving on so I'm going to have to keep moving forward one day at a time. This wasn't a very optimistic post. Italy sounds beautiful, Rose. My childhood friend was from Sicily. I remember her going to visit family during the summer. Her dad owned a shoe repair shop. I remember the goats, rabbits and wine cellar in their backyard. Some good memories.
Cheryl Lynn

 

i am at a loss no wife no life