Loss of my Husband

Tom had been ill for some time but was in home Hospice care from the end of June until September 16 when he went to the inpatient Hospice facility. I was no longer able to take care of him and control the pain at home. I never wanted him to leave our home but with all the medication I had available the pain was too extreme at the end. He was diagnosed with invasive Melanoma had been on Immunotherapy (Optivo) as the only possible therapy to help stop the spread of Melanoma. The therapy gave him Type I diabetes which complicated his life and care. We worked together to get as much time as we could. We loved each other so very much. This Holiday Season with Christmas coming up soon is a very difficult time for me. I go through all the motions but my best friend and lover is missing.

 

Janiceanne,let me be the first to say how
extremely sorry I am to hear about the
death of your beloved soulmate,Tom.
You've come to the right place on the
Grief in Common ( GIC) site.We are
kind widowed people who get the
suffering of grief,and are here to
welcome you. There are 3 other widows
from your state of South Carolina: Patti,
Helena, and Deb. My user name is Van
Gogh, but my name is Lou, & I'm 73. My
wife, Linda , died suddenly , in front of me,
4 years ago. She was 68. We were married
25 years, no children. I live on the
northern coast of Massachusetts, and,like
you, the timeless ocean gives me
comfort. You were brave to say your
name and Tom's. I hope you will stay
with us, Janiceanne. Lou

 

Janiceanne, my heart goes out to you. May I express my total sympathy and support for you, in having lost your beloved soulmate.
Just like our dear friend Lou, who has kindly just replied to you, I also lost my husband after 25 years of marriage. I have two children in their twenties. My darling C was only 57 years old when a sudden heart attack cruelly tore him away from us in a matter of minutes.
You will find comfort here, sharing with everyone who will understand exactly what you're going through. I thank this site which I joined in May this year, they have all helped me so much, listening to me and sharing our feelings.

Take care of yourself, sending you strength.
Rose.

 

Lou, it must be very late for you there now, I hope you're not having trouble sleeping. I was already up at 5.30.
All the best to you.
Rose

 

Thank you, Rose, for being the 2nd person,
after me, to welcome & to give comfort to
Janiceanne over the death of her soulmate,
Tom. I'm sure other Grief Warriors will
follow. Lou

 

Rose. Thank you for your concern. It's
been cold, in the 30s here, so I went to
bed early, exhausted from walking in the
cold air. When I awoke briefly just now,
I saw the post by Janiceanne. and wanted
to reply to her before going back to
sleep. Hope you can break the 5:30am
habit. Lou

 

JaniceAnne, I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. You and your husband sound like a very special couple. I feel the love you have for him. You did so much to keep him as comfortable as possible for as long as possible. I know he appreciated everything you did. And he lives on within you. You each helped mold the other into the people you became. The holidays are such a difficult time, I know your pain. As so does everyone on this site. I lost my husband Ron 4 years ago right before thanksgiving. He suffered a massive heart attack and in 2 hours was gone from my life. The world turned upside down and nothing was the same again. I hope you have family and friends offering support. I see you love the same things I do. Fresh air is so helpful, try to go outside each day. Gardening and the beach are the things that keep me going. Ron is my inspiration to keep pushing. This site has helped more then I ever expected. Visit often and read and share stories. Everyone on here knows first hand the struggles and pain that come with such a loss. We’re all here to offer help and support. Remember to take care of you. Robin

 

Robin, I was the first to welcome & give
comfort to Janiceanne, followed by
Rose, in Italy. I woke up in the middle of
the night and read your kind post to
Janiceanne, and that you had done some
research about her activities in South
Carolina: the beach and gardening, which
you share. As you know, I love the ocean ,
but not gardening. I told Janiceanne that
3 other widow friends live in South
Carolina: Patti, Helena, and Deb. I really
hope Janiceanne stays with us. Lou

 

Janiceanne,

At times like this words seem so inadequate, so shallow, but since they're all we have, I hope you know how truly sorry I am, your husband, Tom, passed away. My husband, Bob, died in April last year. Like Tom, Bob had been sick for many years prior to his death. Taking care of Bob was the hardest job I've ever had to do, but would gladly do it all over again, if I could. It's been 20 months since Bob died, and I'm not sure I would have survived the total heartbreak all of us are suffering from, if it wasn't for the support of my GIC "family."

I'm so glad some of my friends have already welcomed you to our "family." I didn't find GIC until several months after Bob died, but it was the very best thing I could have done for myself. We're always here to "listen," share our stories, and sometimes offer advice. However, this is a judgement free zone, you can take our advice or toss it, we'll be here for you just the same.

As others have said, I hope you stick around, get to "know" us, give us the chance to get to "know" you. You will be amazed at how much support you will find here. Knowing that you're not alone, can make all the difference in the world. I always feel at least a little bit better after visiting, and I hope you will too.

Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you Lou, I hope she stays on the site because it is so helpful. There’s no way of realizing just how helpful this site will be until experiencing it first hand. Her loss is very resent and probably not doing much of anything. Except trying to get through each day. I know after my family all went home I sat at the kitchen table pretty much all day every day. I felt paralyzed. If my daughter didn’t move back in with me I probably would have stayed there all night too. We did continue sleeping together in my living rm on my sectional couch for a long time. Not sure why I’m reliving that except I’m thinking of janiceanne and feeling her pain. I actually got some sleep last night. First in a very long time.
Lou you must be having this cold I’m experiencing. It’s brutal. Stay warm. I know you told me you’re not staying in. You’re taking a bus to a different area. Please be careful. Robin

 

Thanks, Robin, I refuse to let the cold &
gray get me down. Variety is the spice of
life: My friend, whose soulmate died , & I
are going to a brand new, well lit bar/
restaurant, open all year round, in our
small town. It's my new CHEERS bar, in
addition to the cafe with live music.
Stay well, and get your sleep, Robin! Lou

 

I’m trying Lou. Enjoy your outing at your new CHEERS! Sounds fun. The cold has become too much for me. This wind we’re having makes it go right through you. I know others on here have it worse. I don’t know how they do it. They’re stronger then me. Have a good evening Lou. Robin

 

Thanks, Robin. I agree about the wind
going through us as we age, and it does
a job on our arthritis. I don't
walk in the cold dark night. My friend,
who's younger, drops me off at the door
of a restaurant while he parks his car. Lou

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. The holidays are definitely hard to get through without your better half. Your loss is very recent so don't push yourself too. Continue to take deep breaths, walks whatever gives you some type relief. I keep.busy with my kids and if it wasn't for them I'd boycott the holidays. You are in the right place. Like some.friends have said we all get what you going through. You can.be here and say whatever you like without judgement. I pray you get stronger with each passing day.

 

Gosh, Janiceanne, I've just read responses to you here and there is not much more I can say that hasn't been said here. I lost my husband 2 years ago to Sarcoma. And like you he came home with Hospice and was gone in two weeks. I sympathize with you not being able to care for Tom at home even with hospice. I considered inpatient too, but the drive was too far for me to visit him, so I finally hired a care worker to come in every day in the mornings to help me as well as hospice workers.
I have been on this site for two years now and have found I can say anything that I can't say to my family or friends with no judgements at all. It's just that people who have never lost a love one just don't get it.
So, please follow us, we are your friends that share our grief as well as our daily lives good or bad. My nickname is Ms Hum because I'm always saying, hum when I'm thinking about a comment, so if you see Ms Hum or other nicknames on here you will know they are not real names. It's just a fun way of getting through this horrible journey. Blessings to you, Janiceanne -- Karen

 

I am so sorry about the pain you are feeling. It means that you loved deeply. You are not alone!! And you will feel that connection again with others through grief. To love and lose is to experience profound loss.

 

I’m so sorry about your loss! The depth of your pain reflects the love that you shared! You are not alone!

 

In a way, this pain is an echo of your deep love and the joy you shared.

 

Deborah, thank you so much for reaching
out to welcome & comfort Janiceanne, as
many of us on Grief in Common (GIC)
have. But, the death of her soulmate, Tom,
is so recent that she may not be emotionally ready to join us, if ever.
We can only do our part. My wife ,
Linda, died suddenly , right in front of
me. She was 68. We were married 25 years,no children. That was 4 years ago,
but I cry every morning. We never
"get over" our grief, but somehow plow
through it. My name is Lou. Hope you
will stay with us, Deborah. You've
already showed your kindness.

 

Losing a soulmate is a pain reflective of the joy and deep love we shared! I am so deeply sorry for your loss!!