Loss of boyfriend, love of my life

I’m new here Forgive me for very long post. And also if this is posted in a wrong session. Having a bad night and just needed to get it off my chest.

I just turned 25 on Sept. 10. Last year I lost my boyfriend, the love of my life, very unexpectedly. We were together for 5 years and he was my everything. My best friend. My soulmate. My first everything. My first soul to soul, on a a different level love. (I’ve been in love before but nothing compared to what we had or what I feel for him)
I’m devastated, heartbroken and just feel lost... I feel like nothing matters anymore since he’s not here. I have no motivation for anything. All happiness went away with him. I care about everyone else in my life but don’t really care about myself (if that makes sense) I know I’m still in denial, I just still can’t believe it happened, it can’t be real. I put up mental blocks and whenever I get those moments when they are not up, I go into a very dark place and it scares me. I’m angry. I feel regretful. I feel guilty. I feel robbed of the future we were planning to make together. I feel jealous of everyone else that has their person - why did mine have to go? I have friends, but in a sense, he was the only person I had. I knew he would have my back 100%. He would always be there. It took me awhile to find him and now he’s gone

I went to a therapist right after he passed for help because I couldn’t do it on my own anymore . I stopped going because she would never do anything grief related. She would always “we’ll do that next session” or “I’ll email you some grief worksheets” but it never happened. Despite that, the main reason I left is because anytime I would say anything about my boyfriend, her response would be “oh that’s because he was an addict”. He was a recovering addict, not perfect, but had been clean and sober for a long time. Despite a few slip ups, during the majority of our time together, he was clean. He was always trying and aware of what he needed to change and make happen. He told me I’m was one of the reasons why he was clean and wanting to stay clean. He always viewed himself as “not good enough” or damaged goods and messed up. But that was the farthest from the truth. He was perfect in my eyes despite his struggles and mistakes. It really made me extremely angry when she would say things like this anytime I brought him. I was always protective over him when he was here because he would get judged a lot without people knowing his back story, the real him, or giving him a chance. The last thing I wanted was to feel like my own therapist was doing that as well. Every time I left there I just left feeling even more like a loser than when I walked in there. I know I need to probably find another grief therapist, but honestly just scared to with the bad experience.

I have recently learned that I have 2 chronic illnesses/diseases. I haven’t been able to work in 2 years because of it. Was trying to look for jobs before he passed, but then covid happened and then after he passed, I stopped looking. I don’t care. Have no motivation. I’ve always had depression and anxiety but since he passed, it’s gotten extremely worse. I feel like everyone expects me to move on or “be over it by now” I feel like no one understands. I lost my boyfriend, the love of my life, my best friend. I lost all the plans we had made. I lost a future with marriage and a family with him. I can’t just get over that. I know I need to heal and try to get through it, but honestly have no idea where to start. Like I said I’m just lost.... if anyone is going through or has gone through something similar, I’d love to get your advice, what you’ve found helps, just anything...

 

Posted in wrong section* not sure how to edit original
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I am going through the same, please reach out - maybe we can help each other

 

I’m so so sorry I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, it’s truly the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I may not be the best advice giver but I’m definitely here if you need someone to listen! I find just being able to talk about your person, helps a lot

 

I know :'( I have been in LIMBO ever since. I am not even sure if my head works anymore - my heart only sobs .

Everything is so unreal

 

I am so sorry I know that no amount of words can help but please know that you’re not alone. I’ve felt very alone during my journey and once I found grief pages and would read the other comments or posts, it made me feel not as alone. Like finally people that are going through the same as me, that truly understand. Because sometimes I honestly feel like I’m going crazy with all the emotions I’m experiencing. It’s been a year for me and it still doesn’t seem real. I don’t think it ever will for me. I still have an incredibly long way to go and a lot that I need to work on. But I hope one day I’ll be in a place where I can live for the both of us and tell everyone about him, because as long as I’m here, he will never be forgotten

 

Thank you for your kind words- i had to read them .

Yes, they will never be forgotten as long as we exist <3

 

Of course Will be keeping you in my prayers!

 

I am sorry that you are going through all of this. I am a lot older than you but I have had some turmoil through my life. I lost a boyfriend in my 30s to drugs, he OD. I also just recently just found out that my friend/lover/soulmate died in 1989, he built a gyrocopter and flew it into a ravine, I don't know if it was an accident or suicide but I am thinking about him all the time now. All my life I have been through up and downs with depression/anxiety. I have been to many counselors. I can tell you from experience that if you don't feel a connection with a counselor it's best to change to someone else that specializes in grieving. It may take a bit to find the right counselor. Perhaps going to grieving group therapy could help. It will take time to heal your heart and he will always be in your thoughts... .God Bless

 

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I was having another difficult night and signed on to see your reply, it was much needed. I think I might be ready to look for another counselor now (I know I need to) So I will start looking and hope to find someone I connect with well.

I am so sorry for your losses and the hardships you’ve endured in life. It really doesn’t seem fair at times. I know words don’t help much but I hope that your time together and memories with both will bring you some comfort. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

 

Thank you so much for your kind words.

 

Toby Graves 1989 spinemath.org Harrison Maldonado 1990 58dsit.com Luke Cox 1989 manval.ru Scott Webster 1990 chainsawchainsaw.blog112.fc2.com Lucas Chambers 1988 ra.diolo.gy Taylor Jordan 1989