Loss after three decade relationship.

From one widow to another Deb, I hear what you are saying. Thanks not someone who lost a Spouce can truly understand your loss. It is good that you have a friend that knows what you are going through. I am glad you were able to enjoy your time with your friend and be able to laugh. I haven’t been able to laugh yet and put on my fake smile. The time alone in the house without Zlatko is the worse for me. Sending you hugs and prayers for better days ahead.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words,
"Yankee Scot". So sorry your husband,
Zlatko, died a year ago, from the terrible
COVID. May I ask your 1st name? I've found
a more normal connection here, with 1st
names, instead of user names. I chose
Van Gogh, bc he was a tortured soul, &
after Linda's sudden death, after illness, in
front of me, I felt tortured, with PTSD. Thank
you for sharing the name of your husband,
Zlatko. God Bless You for your courage. Thank you for reaching out to me. Lou

 

Your stories are sad and familiar. Today marks three months of losing my wife to cancer. We were together 30 years of 29 was our marriage. It seems the best I can do is be distracted. I simply find that completing tasks is the best I can do. I don't laugh, joke around as I did in the past. And I can't clearly remember what we did for those thirty years, my brain just focuses on the last few days of her life, which were hell.

 

Jeff, I'm so sorry your beloved wife died of
cancer only 3 months ago. You are brave
enough to say your name. May I ask what
your wife's name was? My wife, Linda,
died suddenly, while doing PT in a
rehab. unit. The nurses were trying to
help her walk, but her breast cancer
spread. Linda died of a pulmonary
embolism, at 68, after 25 years of
marriage. I was in a state of shock---
PTSD----bc I couldn't get the last images
of her out of my head. I had to see a
grief counselor weekly. This was 2&a
half years ago. The therapist suggested
Grief in Common, but I wasn't ready
until now. Welcome to the group. Lou

 

Jeff-K-
I am sorry for your loss. It is difficult to try and focus after a loss.
The last couple of days with my wife was hard. She was in intensive care in a hospital with a non-Covid illness. And I was with her when she passed. I never cried as much in my life as that last day. The last day with the love of my life was extremely difficult. I was at home when the doctor called to explain things. In the middle of the night I packed a few things and drove to the hospital. Got there in the wee hours of the morning. And stayed with Mary until she passed a few hours later. I will never forget that last couple of days.
It is understandable how the focus is for you.
I have tried to do things to "distract" my thoughts. It doesn't always work. When I want to share about something, Mary is not there. Mary and I would talk about all kinds of things. Now the sharing isn't there. This the hardest thing for me.

Maybe, if you want, you will be able to share your grief. It is not easy. If you want. There are people here is can "listen" and share in the path you are on.

May you find a little peace along the way

 

YankeeScot,

Being alone, and lonely, in my house is one of the worst feelings imaginable. Sometimes I find myself talking to my husband as though he was right next to me. I feel like I'm losing my mind! I read in a book about grieving, can't remember the name of it, that it is common for widows to talk to their husbands. This didn't make me feel any better. I find myself talking to him the most when I have an important decision to make, one that can't wait until this "fog" evaporates from my brain.

The silence is unbearably painful. Music that we used to enjoy together is a major trigger. As soon as I start listening to music, the tears begin streaming down my face. I don't like leaving the TV on all the time. It isn't relaxing, drives me to the edge, and makes me feel more stressed out than I already am.

I have a difficult time eating at the kitchen table. Seeing my husband's empty chair, is a trigger. The tears start flowing, reminding me that he is never coming home. I used to look forward to sitting down and sharing a meal with my husband. Sometimes we would talk about all the little things, the unimportant things that happened during the day. Sometimes we would talk about the important things, our dreams..., our goals..., our plans for our future. Since his death, I don't feel like cooking. The microwave has become one of my best friends. I make salads for dinner every night, but now it just seems like so much work having to wash and cut the vegetables. I've been buying way too many bagged salads. My husband's favorite foods are triggers for me. I bought a watermelon yesterday. While I was cutting it, tears started streaming down my face... Watermelon was one of my husband's favorite fruits. Most of the time, I end up eating in front of the TV, or while surfing the net on my laptop. It's too painful, being alone, and lonely at the kitchen table. Instead of my husband, the TV and laptop have become my new dining companions.

The way my husband died was very traumatic. I feel like I have PTSD. I have to leave the door to the guest bathroom closed (the room where he fell for the last time), and the door to the guest bedroom closed (the room where he spent the last couple months of his life sleeping in a hospital bed). My house is very small, and I can see both doors from just about everywhere in it. There is no escaping the worst memories of my husband's last night on earth. I can't escape from the pain. My entire house is a trigger. I feel trapped inside this trigger, alone, and lonely.

Up until Friday night, I didn't think laughter was possible. Today was a tough day. Lots of tears. It was too hot to take a long walk, I didn't feel like window shopping, or running errands to pick up things I really don't need (yet), so I spent all of today alone, and lonely. Although I'm so sad, I'm also hopeful. Hopeful that being able to laugh, to enjoy time with a friend, means that the "old" me, although the "old" me will always be heartbroken, and never quite the same, is still here, waiting... for me to get to the end of my miserable grief journey. I'm praying this is true for all of us.

Sending hugs your way, wishing you peace, wishing all of us peace.

 

Jeff-K,

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in April of this year. The circumstances surrounding his death were horrible, the ending wasn't peaceful. I remember, in the beginning, not being able to focus on anything except the traumatic circumstances surrounding his death. No matter what I did, I couldn't get the pictures and sounds from that last night, early morning, out of my mind. I couldn't sleep. I would wake up crying, shaking, unable to fall back asleep. I would spend hours in bed, just lying there, crying... I was terrified.

I still can't get the images and sounds from that last night, early morning, out of my mind. The only difference is that now good and bad memories randomly pop in and out of my head. I have no control over them. Every memory, whether happy or sad, has me in tears. As I've said so many times before, I wish I had an "off switch" for my brain. I'm always emotionally and physically exhausted. This grief journey is by far, the most painful, miserable, exhuastingd experience of my entire life. I'm totally drained.

I'm glad you found this site, but sorry you had to. I've "met" so many wonderful, caring people here, and made some new "friends." This site has become a safe place for me to express my feelings. I hope this site becomes a safe place for you too.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

MY HEART HURTS, I CAN RELATE. I'M GOING THROUGH EVERYTHING YOU ARE EXPERIENCING EVEN AFTER 9 MONTHS. GRIEF IS EVIL.

 

Deb I have been trying to reply in conversation that you sent. I don't understand how
To answe it. Did you get this in private conversation?Patti

 

Sometimes being hopeful is all one might have.
Mary and would also talk about things that either mattered or didn't matter. I will only sit at the table during breakfast now days. The empty chair is too much for me.
I think it is true that one's heart will never be the same. Even if I find another person to have a relationship with, there will always be Mary in my mind. Maybe tucked away in some corner of my mind, but she will still be there.
I used to be able to enjoy watching something on TV. Not anymore. The only show that still interests me somewhat is Jeopardy. But is isn't the same. That show was always a competition between Mary and me. We never missed an episode. DVR'd it if we had to. If we were actually on the show, there is no way I could have won against Mary.

I am glad you have a friend to laugh and enjoy visiting with.

The grief journey is one each of us walk along. May each person who reads the sharing in any of the threads find hope.

 

Deb, your story is truly heartbreaking.
I had PTSD, bc I watched Linda die
suddenly, in front of me. Even after
being in a psychiatric unit, I felt like a
zombie. I was living in s winter motel
& visiting Linda every day in her
rehab. unit of a nursing home. When I
had to move out, to make room for the
summer tourists, it forced me to move. I had to make decisions. My first one, was
to donate Linda's clean clothes & winter
coat. I went into a breakfast place I used
to frequent, on my way to visit Linda,
in the small town in which I live now.
I told the manager/waitress my sad
story & gave her my phone number in
case a landlord came in, looking for
tenants. God answered my prayers, bc
a landlady walked in later that day, &
called me. When I went to the
apartment, I told her that it was very
difficult to make decisions without Linda.
I had to say what was important for me,
which was new windows, which she
provided. My furniture had to be moved
out of storage. A kind woman & her young
son, who I met when Linda was in the
rehab. center, helped me with my small,
personal items. She also drove me to a thrift shop which sold items to aid the
homeless people in our community,
with food & shelter. All of this was
4 months after Linda died. I had no
choice. Now, I'm so glad I moved to this
friendly small town. I didn't know a soul,
except for the woman who helped me.
I had to see a grief counselor. I cried at
EVERY song, which I chose on my phone.
I hated noise of any kind, & decided not to
have a TV. I prefer to scan the headlines,
on mute, on my phone. The first few
months in the therapist's home office,
all I could do was cry. I didn't want to cook
either. But, one day, I got sick of takeout
food, & baked chicken & had stove top
frozen veggies, which I did when Linda
became ill. It was delicious, and, as my
wife used to say, "real food". If there's any
way you could remove yourself, with
help, I think you would begin to feel
healthier mentally & physically. No, the
grief never goes away, but it definitely
gets less intense. I gave up drinking, bc it
made me MORE depressed. Now, I can
listen to songs I liked in the late 1960s,
way before I met Linda. Please know, Deb,
you're not expected to "get over" your
husband's death, but you can manage to
work through your grief -----with help.
Please keep writing your "thread" here,
so we can comfort each other. Lou

 

Yes, one day at a time. I have packed up all of his man cave treasures to put in storage. I have sold my home, waiting to close next month. I have purchased a new one and will close next month also. My closest granddaughter that lives an hour away probably will move in with me. She has two sons, 11 and 6. She can use the help while trying to work. The boys will keep me busy. Will keep you posted on the move.

God bless..

 

Connie, you made the right decision.
When I meet new people, I sometimes
tell them I feel blessed to be welcomed
in my new place in this friendly small
town, where people still care about each
other. Last night, I went to a bandstand
concert by the American Legion. When
the conductor asked us to rise for the
National Anthem, I choked up when I
saw veterans, with their hands on their
hearts. Thank you for helping Deb &
others. Your husband, a brave veteran,
would have been proud of you. Lou

 

Hi

Thank you Lou, hadn't spokento anyone before
about after Jack fell. We had no family to help,
everyone lived across country.
Am trying to learn how to private message to
Deb and have not been able to figure out how to.
I will be out of quarantine Friday. Makes it
harder being confined. Thanks again.
Prayers for us all.

 

Patti, like you, I had trouble getting
started on this site, and almost gave up,
bc I was so frustrated. I decided to email
the founder. Karyn Arnold, to tell her
that, & that I needed help. She kindly
got back to me right away, & told me that
talking with people through the "thread",
day or night, was the best way to go.
Thanks to Karyn, I've built a network
here of people I've known from the
beginning, & meeting new ones. You can
ask Karyn if there's a way for you to
talk with one person directly. My feeling
is different. I've been in group therapy, &
we all helped each other. I've asked
people their 1st names, rather than
their user names, and have asked for the
names of their spouses. I like to be
addressed by name, & to have Linda's
name acknowledged. It means more to me.
I like talking with you, Patti, & about
your husband, Jack. Lou

 

Patti,

No worries!! The only reason I started a private conversation was because when I read in a previous post that you were looking for a support group that meets in person, and that you live in the same state as I do, I wanted to provide you with the information I found. I'm usually a very private person, and even though I know I've found a safe site, with many wonderful people to share my experiences with, I'm not comfortable giving out too much personal information here, where you never know who might be "lurking."

I hope that one of the groups I mentioned in my conversation to you, is close to where you live. When you're out of quarantine, if you decide an in person support group is something you want to try, you can attend a meeting to see if the group might be a good "fit" for you. If these places aren't near you, try calling local hospices. Many hospices offer in person grief support groups. I hope this helps.

I hope you'll continue to "talk" to us here. It helps me so much just to have others "listen," and know they understand what I'm going through.... Also by sharing what has helped them get through some of their very darkest days, they've given me new ways to try to help myself survive my very darkest days too. While I'm still searching to find my purpose in life, now that my husband is no longer with me, I know that part of my purpose is to help others the best I can, make it to the end of their grief journeys, right along with me.

Sending you lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

Patti,

So glad you'll be out of quarantine tomorrow!!

 

You're so right! "Grief is evil," total understatement!!! It hits in an instant, but at this moment in time, it feels like it's been here forever...

How is your arm? I hope your recovery is going as quickly and painlessly as possible!

Sending lots of hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

Deb, it is a pleasure to know you & Patti,
& how you help each other. I saw a video
on You Tube, with the founder of Grief
in Common, Karyn Arnold. The 2 of you
are prime examples of how this site is
so moving & beneficial to all of us. On a
side note, it makes us better writers. I
feel we're writing letters to each other,
but a lot quicker---anytime, day or night.
Lou