Lorry,
Our children wanted to help, but they have their own lives, all three of them live way too far away, and our oldest son lives outside of the United States. They visited as often as they could, but during the end of Bob's life, COVID hit, and our children weren't able see their father. They supported me emotionally, and called us frequently. They sent lots of packages too. I'm so sorry your children didn't help you. I can't even begin to imagine how exhausted you were... I was only Bob's full time caregiver for three years, and it totally wiped me out.
Those floodgates just opened... I can't stop thinking about how much our children wanted to be with Bob during those last 24 hours of his life, but it was impossible for them to get to SC in time. From the moment the EMTs wheeled Bob out of the house, my kids were on the phone with me. Our daughter set it up so that all four of us could be on the phone at the same time. I don't know how I would have made it through the very worst, final hours of Bob's life, our lives, without my children being here for me emotionally. Our daughter and youngest son got to say goodbye to Bob, but the doctor came in just as my oldest son started talking to Bob, and he made me leave the room. I asked if our oldest son could just talk to B0b for a few more minutes, but I got a firm, you need to leave now. The very first words out of my oldest son's mouth were,"Dad I love you," and these were the last words Bob ever got to hear from him. Bob was trying to say I love you too, but by this time I was being escorted out. Honestly, I don't think another minute or two would have made any difference. The hospital was totally unprepared to handle a heart attack, plus all of Bob's other medical issues. Stopping here, I'm getting way off track from what I was going to say. Plus, if I continue talking about this, I'm going to go through at least one full box of tissues. ( I think Bernadine is on to something... We need those handkerchiefs, lol!!! I think we should have them embroidered with TGWS, make some for all of us...)
I'm glad that you're going to a bereavement group run by your church. I've heard good things about in person Grief Share meetings. I wanted to attend, but they were held in the evenings, a bit too far for me to want to drive back and forth from in the dark. At the bereavement group I attended, a pastor from a nearby church used to fill in for the medical social worker when he couldn't be there. She always gave us so much to think about and I found her to be very helpful.
I think all of us are in shock at first. I think we have to be in shock. If we weren't, if we were able to fully understand that the death of our spouses is real, that we're not in the middle of the worst nightmare in our lives, that they are NEVER going to be with us while we are on this earth again, I'm not sure, that we would be able to handle all the miserable tasks thrown at us right after their deaths. I remember those first few weeks... Looking back, I was surprisingly on top of things. Even being as financially challenged as I was (I paid the monthly bills, but Bob was the one who took care of long range financial goals, plans, etc.), when I notified the life insurance companies that Bob had died, I asked for the 1099s needed for my 2021 taxes to be sent with the checks. I think it was Tom Zuba, in "Permission To Mourn," who wrote that he doesn't think we could survive the death of our loved ones without being in shock first. It would just be too much for us to handle all at once.
Stopping here. I wasn't home most of the day and am frazzled to the max. I'm going to zap something for dinner, the micro is (still ) sometimes my best friend, take it into the living room, and turn on the TV. Prior to Bob's death,I never watched TV during dinner. Dinner was a time to relax, wind down, enjoy each other's company, and talk... about important matters...plans for our future..., about the funny things, annoying things, that happened during the day, etc., etc., etc., Now, nine months after Bob's death, I still hate sitting at the kitchen table alone, seeing the chair where he should be sitting empty. It SUCKS!!! All of this SUCKS!!!
I hope you're able to get some quality sleep tonight. Sleep is one thing I'll NEVER take for granted again!!!, TU!!!
As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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