I lost my mom 6 weeks ago and my dad 3 years ago. When I lost my dad it was really rough and it was sudden. We had no time to prepare, but somehow I felt all would be alright, because at least he didn't suffer long. He accepted that there was nothing he could do to change his fate and he went mostly peacefully. Only the last two days were really hard as he was in pain. Losing my mother has been 10 times harder for me. She did not accept it and she fought every single second of her life, never wanting to let go. My dad lost all thinking due to the cancer, but my mom had COPD, and she was fully aware when she died. I have helped take care of my mom financially, as well as medically since my dad died. I have come to a crossroads, because I feel empty. I feel like I miss the chaos of balancing work and the life I had taking care of everyone else. When my mom had only days left, I decided to leave my long time boyfriend as well because he was a terrible alcoholic. I feel like my whole world flipped and I don't know how to deal with the silence. I am in a better place in my life, and they aren't here to see that. It leaves me very sad.
Mer, I am so sorry for your losses. It's strange, I know...how we can actually miss the chaos, just as you said. I think with that chaos comes purpose, a sense of what's important, and also some direction. You're not alone... a lot of caregivers find themselves wandering after their loved one has died. And in addition to this it sounds like you are facing some other life changes too. And while some aren't all bad, I understand that need to want a witness to the better place you feel you've reached. The loss of our parents can leave a significant void and not least of which is that need I think we always have for encouragement and validation. But I'm glad you are seeking support. I certainly hope we can provide that for you here. Please know today and always, we are here to help~
Sorry to hear about the loss of your parents. My mother died suddenly. Like you, we were not prepared. The only consolation is that she passed relatively quickly. I have now taken in my father - who was completely dependent on my mother. It seems like that is my life now. While I can not understand how you feel, I do get that someone may feel lost after having been a caregiver for so long. I think the fact that you are still here means that you still have a purpose. I hope you find this site helpful.
Find the beauty in your new found silence. I lost my grandmother and best friend 2 weeks ago. The inability to speak with her is hitting me now. Speaking into the darkness is different than our chats. Ive only done it once. The silence gives time for thought. I was with her in the days before and when she passed. I cared for her and made sure she felt loved. I take solice in that. You should also. You were there for her. Your new silence can be filled. It is your choice in what to fill it with.
Mer, I lost both my parents recently. I took care of them for almost 5 years due to a few memory and occasional dementia problems. They were strong and independent until the end. Then my dad needed a bit of assistance. They both passed close to each other and unexpectedly. I went from using a baby monitor so I could get up whenever they got up to now an empty house. My husband and I both felt lost and frozen in time and still do at times. There are so many things I wish I could tell or show my parents. They were good people who really loved God and cared greatly for other people. The best I can do is to try to let the good things about my parents live through me. I have a sister and brother-in-law who did very little to help my parents. They wanted them in a nursing home so they could get on with their lives without guilt. They were available but only helped a few times a year. I have not even had a vacation in 5 years! In 8 months, I have heard from them only 3 times; each time asking about money or dividing things. In the first few weeks they said I should be past mourning. They got over it in a couple days, so why shouldn't I? Though I cannot totally break ties with my sister, I must try to surround myself with more positive, encouraging, and Godly people like my parents. Though I am not really avoiding my sister, I am not actively seeking a close relationship to protect myself from being hurt. She does not live nearby which helps. I find comfort in reading the Bible particularly Psalms, Proverbs, and anything in the New Testament especially about God's love for us. I do not know if my parents in Heaven can see us, but I know God can. And people here who knew my parents see me and know who I am becoming. So, I guess what I am saying is that you should feel really proud that you have left a boyfriend that was bad for you. Surround yourself with good, positive people. Carry on your parents' legacy by taking their best traits and becoming the best person you can be. Know in your heart that you can become the person they always dreamed of and knew you could be. It won't always be easy. It us hard to say "no" to people. If you fall, find those who will support you, and get up and keep trying. I understand the silence after the chaos. And it is ok and normal to feel lost and cry in the emptiness. Grief is a difficult journey that we go on and I am still learning, crying, grieving, and growing. Some days are worse; but, some days are definitely better in comparison. I will pray for you.
