Just lost the love of my life

Lou, I agree with Sherry that your compassion for others is a thing of beauty. And hopefully you have been having your walks in nature as well as enjoying peaceful days and meeting up with your friends.
Take care always,
Debra

 

I would like to share this beautiful Sonet by Edna St. Vincent Millay:

TIME DOES NOT BRING RELIEF
Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snow melt from every mountain-side
And last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear.
To go, - so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fill his foot or shone his face
I say, "There is no memory of him here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

 

Debra, between your compliments and
Sherry's, I find myself blushing. Linda
said one of the reasons she loved me, was
that I was a kind man. I think her death,
and my missing of her day and night, has
made me an even kinder man. My mission
is to try to help others in the pain of
grieving for their soulmates. Lou

 

Hi Lou, and you really are a kind man, Linda was totally right! And I do know how you feel, as I am missing Keith day and night. And it is so good that your mission is to try and help others in the pain of grieving for their soulmates. And although I have been having grief therapy, I can not say that it has been helping me... but I'm so thankful for the kind support you as well as other people here on GIC!!
Debra

 

Sherry,
Kenn was on hospice for two and a half years. Many times we were ready and then he’d kinda level off, do well and we adjusted to a new way of living for awhile. And yet we’re never prepared for all of the facets of life after our partner dies and the little losses along the way have taken a toll. When you’re ready, you’ll share what’s comfortable. I’m really glad you’re here. ~Bernadine

 

Thank you, Debra. I'm wondering if you
could find a different grief therapist?
Before I found my kind nurse practitioner/
grief counselor, I went to a psychologist,
who was cold & not empathetic. My gut
told me it wouldn't work out , after the
first session. I had 2 more sessions, and
it never got better. The kind 2nd person
was just right for me. After a lot of
crying, I was able to unload my anguish
that I didn't do enough to "save"Linda.
She suggested poems, articles, books,
and GIC. Lou

 

You're welcome, Lou. And I'm actually am currently looking for a different grief therapist, because I just don't feel comfortable with the one that I have now, and I feel like she is ineffective in helping me. And I'm so sorry that before you found the nurse practioner /grief counselor, the psychologist that you went to was cold & not empathetic! That's absolutely terrible!! And I certainly understand why, after those three sessions, it did not get any better. And that your gut told you it wouldn't work out. And I'm so glad that the 2nd person was kind, and that you were able to unload your anguish. It is so important that you felt comfortable enough with her to do this!! And although you did feel this anguish, I do feel like Linda did know how much that you loved and cared for her!! And that the 2nd person was right in suggesting poems, articles, books and GIC. My heart goes out to you as well as everyone here!! And it is always so good to correspond with you!!
Debra

 

My first grief therapist was very kind and more like a friend. I met her about 6 weeks after Cheryl passed. I was running out of people to talk to about my grief then and hadn’t found GIC yet. I was only going monthly and after 4 months she got the covid and therapy stopped. Since I was already going to grief support meetings at Visiting Nurses I found out they provide free grief therapy. I met my new therapist Laura in less than two weeks. Laura is a great fit for me. Laura specializes in grief therapy and all her clients are dealing with grief. The main thing is I feel comfortable telling Laura almost everything. I appreciate Laura’s responses and suggestions. The latest book she recommended is “The gifts of imperfection”. It would be great if I could relax and not worry about what other people think of me and have confidence. When I lost Cheryl I lost my identity. Laura is helping see things about myself that give me confidence and make me feel worthy. I hope you find someone like that too Debra. Time to hit the hay. Sleep tight. Gary

 

Hi Gary, and thank you so much for sharing your experiences with your grief therapists with me. And I'm so glad that your experience with the first grief counselor was a good one, and that she was very kind and more like a friend. And I know how you must have felt, being that about 6 weeks had gone by, and you were running our of people to talk to about your grief. Because the same thing is happening with me! Other than kind and supportive people here on GIC, I have reached the point where I am running out of people to talk to about my grief. And I feel like going only monthly, that would be difficult, because in the meantime, you were having to go through so much, so many stages of grief, and it's terrible that she got covid after 4 months into your therapy sessions!! And it is so awesome that you had already been going to grief support groups at the Visiting Nurses, and that you found out they provide free group therapy, And you had met Laura in less than two weeks, and you feel like she is a great fit for you. And it's great that you feel comfortable telling her almost everything! She sounds like a very kind and empathetic person and the fact that she specializes in grief therapy is huge!! And the book she recommended sounds like a very insightful, helpful book, and one that I would like to read. And I know how you feel in that you would like to relax and not worry what people think of you, and have confidence. And I also understand that when you lost Cheryl, you lost your identity, because I have felt that I lost my identity when I lost Keith! And I no longer feel like I have the confidence in myself that I used to have, or feel worthy. And so it is so good that Laura is helping you see things about yourself and feel confidence and make you feel worthy, because you definitely are, as well as a very kind and supportive, empathetic person. And thank you so very much for reaching out to me, and for saying you hope I find someone like that too. That would be so helpful to me!! And I appreciate that so very much! And I hope you will have a good night's sleep, and I'm wishing your days ahead to be peaceful, and that you will feel that continue to feel that confidence in yourself.
Take care always
Debra

 

Hi Debra, I was reading your post and that you are looking for a more effective and emphatetic grief therapist that could help you finding confort, I really feel for you! and hope you find the right person to help you with your painful journey. You were one of the first GW that I corresponded back in early February. Yesterday was two months since my beloved Geoff left me alone and seem to be an eternity!!, I try to keep busy so I don't break down. I read, listen to music and sometimes talk to my sisters that they don't "get it" because they have not experienced the lost of a loved one and I also think that some grief therapists don't "GET IT" either...TUTTAM, TUTTAM (borrowed from Deb's dictionary) lol.
Thinking about you and also send you love and peace your way.
Helena

 

Hi Helena, and thank you so very much for your empathy and for being so supportive! And I am hoping as well that I will find an effective and empathetic grief therapist, one that I feel like I can confide in, and help me through my extremely painful journey! And I do remember that I was one of the first GW that you corresponded with back in early February. And I really feel for you as well, as it does seem like an eternity since lost my beloved Keith!! And it is so good that you try to keep busy so you don't break down. And that you read and listen to music. My heart goes out to you!! And I feel like you're right, your sisters don't "get it" because they haven't experienced a loss of a loved one, and some grief therapists don't "GET IT" either! And those are the ones who I feel like would not be a good fit for me, and I would not feel comfortable with. And I know that TUTTAM is a word that Deb always uses, but I don't know what it means... and thank you so much for reaching out to me, and for thinking about me and sending love and peace my way. And I am thinking about you also, and sending you love and peace as well as virtual hugs your way!!
Take care always
Debra

 

Debra, despite Deb's grieving over the
death of her husband, Bob, she cheers
GW up with her funny phrases. She used
to say, " TOTAL UNDERSTATEMENT" ( TU),
but when she felt that got stale, she
recently changed it to TUTTAM, which
stands for "TOTAL UNDERSTATEMENT to
the ABSOLUTE MAX!!!". Lou

 

Debra you and Helena are at the most painful part of your grief journey. We have all been there. My shock and confusion subsided after 2 months from losing Cheryl. I said to myself I can do this. A month later I was overwhelmed with sadness and in deeper depression shock and confusion. I went to my doctor about my condition. He comforted me by telling me the emotions I was feeling were normal. But if they continued a year from then he would address it. I just keep stumbling forward. 2 months later I found GIC. Which became a game changer. About 2 weeks ago I felt uniquely flawed and unlovable. I Temporary lost my connection to GIC and TGW. This was not the first time it happened. This regularly happens every 4-6 weeks. Now I consider it a normal part of my grief journey. The new book I’m reading talks about courage compassion and connection. At GIC we have the courage to talk about our suffering. Grief Warriors have compassion with us and share in our suffering. In compassion the healer and the wounded are considered equals. When the wounded realize they are equal it’s easier to ask for help. In this process we all become connected. We gain the wonderful feeling of belonging. And that is priceless. Gary

 

Gary, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, founder of
Center for Loss, & author of many books
on grieving, has a new one coming out:
You're Not Crazy---You're Grieving. Many
GW receive his quotations from
different authors, by email, every day.
Karen, Deb, and I often refer to them.
Dr. Wolfelt is asking people to email him
personal stories of coping with grief,
on a first name basis, like GIC, to help
him write his book. He will include some
of our stories. I submitted mine yesterday
for him to help others with grief. Lou

 

Hi Gary,
And thank you so much for your warm reply. And it is true that Helena and I are at an extremely painful part of our grief journey, and I know everyone here has been there. And I completely understand why after about your shock and confusion subsided after 2 months, and you felt like you could do this, a month later you were overwhelmed with sadness and in deeper shock and confusion. It is so much like an emotional roller coaster!! And the Dr was definitely right, because it is normal to go through so many stages of intense grief...
And I know what you mean in that you keep stumbling forward, because that is exactly what I have been doing... and it is so good that you and I and all of us here have found GIC, and that we are so supportive of each other. And I also know why you temporarily lose your connection to GIC and TGW every 4 to 6 weeks, as sometimes days go by that I just can't log on... for me, it is because although I know that everyone here is going through as much as I am, and how I feel, it is still a reminder of how much suffering that I am enduring... and so it is true that it is a normal part of our grief journey. And the new book you are reading sounds enlightening, and it is always good to read these self help books. And grief warriors do have compassion with us and our suffering, and I feel like you are right, we here at GIC do have the courage to talk about our suffering, and I never really thought about it, but it does make sense that in compassion the healer and the wounded are considered equal, and when the wounded realize they are equal it is easier to ask for help. And in this process we are all connected is right, and we gain the wonderful feeling of belonging, and I couldn't agree more that it is priceless!! And I'm hoping that your day has been peaceful, and that you will have more peaceful days ahead... and you will be in my thoughts.
Take care always,
Debra

 

Hi Lou, and thank you so much for your warm reply. And for explaining what TUTTAM means... Like yourself Deb is a very kind and empathetic person, and my heart goes out to both of you and everyone else here. And you are both in my thoughts, and I wish you and Deb and everyone else here peace...
Take care always,
Debra

 

Debra, thank you for saying both Deb & I
are "very kind and empathetic" people, as
are all TGW. I think I can say that all of
us have a belief in God and a great sense
of humor. Both of those strong forces
stopped any suicidal thoughts I had, over
the shock of Linda's sudden death. I still
have "intermittent grief", a term I came up
with while watching a weather report
about intermittent sun & clouds. I am
aiming for more joy ( sun) than clouds
( sadness). Keith and Linda would have
wanted that for us. In the song, Cycles,
Sinatra sings that " Life is meant for
living......." Lou

 

You're welcome, Lou. It's true. And thank goodness that all of us, myself included have those strong forces, especially being that it had stopped any suicidal thoughts you had. And I also had them, but then I thought, what would happen to my daughters without me being here to take care of them? And it is totally understandable that you still have "intermittent grief" and at the same time, it is so good that you are aiming for more joy (sun) than clouds (sadness) And I agree that both Keith and Linda would have wanted that for us. And I have heard that Framk Sinatra song before... and I am just taking it one day at a time... and hopefully your day as well as your evening brought you some joy as well as peace...
Debra

 

Hi Debra, I also am taking it one day at a time, sometimes I even get down to a few minutes at a time. Please know I am thinking of you and all those on GIC, sending hugs and hope for comfort and peace for us all, Rita