Its OK to not Be OK

Helena, I love the idea of you taking up your drawing. Do let us know how it goes. ~Bernadine

 

Helena, I feel the way you do when learning of others stories I feel their pain. I believe it’s because we know it so well. We know exactly what each of us is going through. We know the loss of dreams, the loneliness the pain. We’re so connected. A friend of mine that i’ve known all my life lost her husband recently. We aren’t close anymore like we used to be but if we see each other there’s always a long hug and we catch up on everything. when I heard of her loss I couldn’t stop crying because I know her pain too well.
I’m afraid the one step forward and 2 back happens to us all. But there are also times when it’s two steps forward and one back. There’s no rhyme or reason it’s a very bumpy road. But you’re not alone. If you feel able to get out your art supplies or your hobbies you should give that a go that’s wonderful but if you feel you can’t that’s OK too it just means you’re not quite ready. I used to sew in fact our business was an upholstery shop. I still can’t bring myself to sew anything. But I do word games to keep my mind busy. I’ve done puzzles. But the best thing for me is fresh air. Even if I just would step out on my deck and take deep breathes.
I’m here to tell you that there are better days ahead. It’s a slow process but it does happen. You won’t even notice it. It’s that slow. Then one day you’ll realize I’m crying less or I’m doing more. It will happen. Have hope and work towards better days.
I wish I could give you a hug, I’m sending them virtually and praying for you to have the strength to work towards better days. Ron has always been and will always be my inspiration for everything I do. I still want him to be proud I’m his wife. I hope you’re resting. Robin

 

Helena thanks for sharing what you’re learning from your book the grieving brain to all of us. It seems Mr Grief’s twisted Amusement Park is wired in our brains. We can escape only temporarily. I try not to think about the future because there is nothing positive about it. But I think about it often. When I’m fit I try to imagine being in a box of space and time where I can see the sands in a hour glass passing from top to bottom. When I can I try to stay in this moment. As painful as it is now you are healing. I’m sending you a photo of the dove that was on my bedroom window sill the morning of Cheryl’s memorial. Let this photo connect you with something in the animal kingdom that lets you know Geoff is ok and is your biggest cheerleader. Thank for being willing to absorb some of our grief. We are absorbing some of yours too. We keep on keeping on arm in arm as warriors do. Gary

 

I just wish Valerie had me more involved in serious stuff like bank, insurance, crap like that. I have to learn it all and I hate it. The three things I've discovered: Pain will not go away! Doing real stuff helps. Mindfulness: focus on the ":RIGHT NOW" not the past it doesn't matter anymore and the future is too huge and ominous (it just paralyzes me!) Keep trying! Much love!

 

I knew in my heart Valerie was dying as of December 20 or around there. My head couldn't believe it... Still can't! THe last two months went so quickly. I never ever thought she's shut down the talking so quickly. I hate Cancer!

 

Thank you older brother Lou for your kind words and thoughts. Thanks for using The Godfather movie as a metaphor for describing how Mr Grief sucks us back in like Michael Corleone was sucked back into the mafia after some independence. I was thinking about the words compassion courage and connection. You are The Godfather of connection by keeping a rhythm of correspondences amongst the grief warriors. Patti is the Godmother of compassion because of her sincere concerns and prayers for all TGW. George is The Godfather of courage because of his fighting spirit. George continues to give us hope that we can survive health problems and grieve at the same time. As Forest would say thats all I have to say about that. Gary

 

Gary I love that you shared that beautiful picture of the dove. I know that it will mean a lot to Helena. You’ve mentioned how this dove sat on your window sill and I always thought, how special is that. Now seeing it it’s more beautiful then I pictured. And comes with such meaning. It made me cry. We all need to embrace what’s around us, try to take in nature. The simple things.
After a bad storm last night I have a sunny day today. It’s a miracle. I hope it dries up and I can be out in my yard without freezing.
Arm in arm , I love that! Robin

 

Thank you for the love. I totally get where you’re coming from on having to learn all those things. It’s overwhelming. Ron did most of all that. And it adds to the anxiety that now we have to figure those things out too. Ron had IRA’s all over the place and investment funds. I complained to him that it’s too much for me to handle and thankfully he has consolidated many of the IRA’s before he passed. I’m forever grateful I told him my concerns and he acted on it. The things you’re learning are so helpful. I believe the pain stays but it doesn’t stay quite so close to the surface. Doing real stuff, that’s a biggie but can also be hard to come up with the motivation. That’s when I step outside to breathe fresh air and get my blood flowing. Helps a lot. And I still don’t plan things for more then a week out. I just can’t. George you’re doing great. I’m impressed.
Sending you hugs and love, Robin

 

It’s very hard to wrap our mind around losing our loved one. We don’t want to believe it. So we choose to know it but put it on the back burner. My sister in law chose not to believe her husband was as bad as he was from cancer. She sugar coated how he was to family. Thankfully my niece contacted Ron and I and said her Dad is much worse then we are being told. We left that weekend to go visit him. He was not good. Didn’t know who we were for a long time. He had brain cancer and was also losing his sight. He passed 5 days after we left. My sister in law told us a couple years later she realizes that she was in total denial. I’m not saying you were in denial but our mind does crazy things to protect us I guess.
Cancer is horrible and although you’re still here it stole so much from you.

 

Helena, I am so happy that you are going to try to get back to your art; it is something worth being passionate about and experiencing everyday. Sometimes art is a huge way to come to terms with our inner feelings. I find it gives me a way to put my thoughts and expressions on a visual surface without having to use words. Some people use other means, like photography (my daughter's hobby). As they say, "a picture is worth a thousand words". I used to feel uplifted after spending time doing a painting for a family member or creating something to offer on one of the big on-line selling sites, like sewing gowns for fashions dolls. If I received compliments from family or strangers, about my creations, saying it made them happy, it also made me happy too. BUT I didn't NEED the compliments, just doing what I loved was enough; it was the satisfaction and passion that came from within that kept me going. When my husband became ill 3 years ago and gradually declined, I lost that passion, lost my passion for everything. Like you, I am trying to find it all again for my own sake. My husband loved my ability (although I consider myself an amateur) and he was always so complimentary and supportive. He would offer his help and advice whenever I needed. It is SO HARD, but not impossible if we start slowly, to find that passion again. We are close to the same age Helena (I'm 71), so like you, I am digging deep inside myself to find something to be passionate about, something to make every moment better for myself (and those around me). We can do it together, my friend, even though we don't live next door. We are here together and have others here in our family of friends. Don't give up...keep on hoping and doing every single moment God gives you and we will ultimately leave this world going out like a lion!!! We are Grief Warriors like Deb, Debra, Lou, Gary, George, Bernadine, Patti, Robin, Karen and others. Together here, we can do it. We don't have to travel this road alone. Sending you hugs, prayers, comfort, peace and some smiles and sunshine every moment of everyday. You are in my thoughts, Rita

 

Gary, wish you & other GW were here
with me today. I'm back at the cafe,
listening to a piano player. I am the ONLY
patron. We met before, & had a long talk
before he sat down to play. He's about my
age. He rented a small house on my
street, but his wife is living in their
house in the city. I requested songs &
put money in his tip jar ---- for my private
concert. His tips go to Doctors without
Borders in the Ukraine. He's very good
natured about no customers. Glad I don't
drink anymore, bc I'd probably be
weeping during the sad songs. I'm
reaching out to him & others. I told him
the highest compliment I could give :
that Linda would have liked him. I was
moved when you called me The
Godfather of the group. Thank you,
brother Gary. I accept that honor.....Lou

 

Lou, Sorry, hit the wrong button. Sounds like a beautiful place to sit and enjoy some time....sad that he has few customers...pray that he will be able to stay open because you seem to find happy moments there with the music! Hugs and comfort, Rita

 

Oh yes a big part of me was in total denial. So was Valerie. I am a new person. I really don't like most of the stuff I used to be into. In fact I kinda hate it even. I am empty inside but I have no clue (outside of doin' stuff and being patient) how to fill this emptiness.

 

I really needed to hear that! I am trying so hard to pull it together and become the new me. The past 6-8 weeks were another "Dark Night of the Soul" Event for me. I kinda still hate everything I used to like. But that's ok. I accept that! I think I'm feeling better today. Don't care how long it lasts but I only really care about being mindfully in the present. The past is too full of sorrow and pain (GRief) and the future is too too nebulous! I am overwhelmed by its unknown tendrils. Live in the day! I feel like I want to get rid of most of the rest of my crap and find a new life without the insane craving to collect stuff and accumulate stuff... for what end!>?

 

Denial, I think we all go there at some point. Its a bit easier then reality. I totally get it. And we told our sister in law just that. We understood. George it really is a big void that’s very hard to fill. I still struggle with reading. Today for the first time in what seems like forever, it is a beautiful day. Sunny and warm, I spent many hours outside, working in my yard and feeling alive again. You’ll figure out what makes you feel alive again. It takes time. Nature is one of the only things from my life with Ron that I still crave and love. I loved cooking but I cooked for Ron. I sewed for our business and personally, too many memories. I still have hope I can possibly have those things in my life again. I cook but it’s not the same. The days takes forever when we can’t figure out how to fill it.
I have faith you’ll figure it out. Robin

 

Hey Robin! Thanks for the kind words! It has rained here every day since March 29th. It is a cold thin rain whipping into your face and it is barely above freezing. I think this is the worst Spring ever here and we do get funky weather. I know nicer weather will help my mood too!

 

Not toworry, Rita. The cafe gets busier in
the spring & summer, when tourists join
the locals. The tourists come from all over
the country & even the world, for our
scenic beauty, fresh lobster off the boats,
other fresh seafood, and shops and art
galleries. After a dreary, lonely winter,
I thrive on seeing old friends & meeting
new ones. The town comes alive, and so
do I. But, I need to recharge at night,
for my alone time. My moods can change
rapidly, if Mr. Grief strikes. Lou

 

The rain smelled like summer this afternoon.
Big drops on dry pavement as the wind whipped ‘round.
Last night an almost quarter moon lit the trees.
The clematis outside my bedroom window offers it’s heavily scented blooms
The bamboo wind chimes sing.
He’s everywhere
And nowhere
He’s energy
I can feel him
He always wanted me to gaze into the distance, to look up more….
I’m looking, Kenn
I’ll find you
~B

 

As promised:

“Are we there yet?”