I wish I'd loved her better

My wife of nearly 36 years died 6 weeks ago today from a rare and particularly nasty form of colorectal cancer. She was diagnosed last September and by then it was Stage 3/4. We knew that the prognosis wasn't great but the chemotherapy seemed to help but in early March we were given the news that the cancer was terminal. We were hoping for months but after being taken into hospital on March 13th, her body gave up the struggle on March 18th.
We were hoping for months but we got days.
Since then I have had great support from family and friends and I have a 3-month old grandson to focus on (which thankfully my wife saw before she died).
This website and other sources of bereavement/grief advice have helped a lot and I know that grief is personal and there is no right or wrong way for each person. As others have mentioned, I do indeed feel like a half-person and I get on with things (housework, washing, ironing, cooking) but it is like I am living life by numbers. I know all the notes and I sing them correctly but I cannot hear any song. And that is the best it gets. And then, numerous times a day, utter desolation sweeps over me, tears roll down my cheeks and I almost howl with emptiness. The mood doesn't last but that's what it is like for me right now.
What I am finding though is that a lot of the desolation is around the things that my wife should be here to appreciate and be part of - the start of spring, seeing her grandson grow, etc, - and the knowledge that this will never happen in this life. But an equal part of the despair is that I think of all the ways I could have and should have been a better husband almost to the point that it is hard to think of things I did well. I want to hold her, and stroke her hair and tell her I love her and I can't. And I think I want her to tell me that she loves me and that she forgives me for all the things I didn't do that I should have and did do that I shouldn't have. And there is silence.
When we knew the illness was terminal we talked about the future and I promised her that I would do everything for our sons (and I meant it then and now) but I was so focused on ensuring she was eating and caring for her and generally getting on with things that I know I didn't spend enough time telling her that I loved her.
She was the love of my life and I want to go back in time and do things all over again and do them all better but I know that this is a fantasy.
It is as if I am seeing her for the first time and it is too late.
I read somewhere that Hell is simply the full comprehension of God - his goodness, his love - coupled with the knowledge that you will be separated from this for eternity. I understand that now.
I know that I am beating myself up but I can't help it and I wonder if anyone else has felt the same.

 

DJF I can certainly relate. My wife passed mid November after a two year battle with cancer. Actually things were looking up until October and then the tests showed her cancer was back. I was retired and she finally sold her business. After training the new owners three months later my wife was diagnosed with leukemia. I spent so much time being a caregiver that it never crossed my mind to spend more time talking about us. I promised my wife that I would take over the grandma duties but I'm not even close to filling those shoes. Your right about living by the number - it's just so routine it's driving crazy. I did join the YMCA so I go exercise 3 - 4 times a week. This is clearly something I would not have done had she still been alive. Lots of "firsts" that bring tears to my eyes. I have no regrets about the past but I sure have a broken heart going forward. I'm getting better trying to live this new "norm" but the loneliness is hard to handle. The thing about this grief is I know exactly where I need to get to but the journey is slow and with lots of setbacks. All of our "couple" friends are ok but I just don't seem to fit in anymore. Every place I go it's couples, couples, couples! Am I the only one that's widowed? Don't beat yourself up, focus on the wonderful times you had together. There is still an opportunity to place her memories and the love you shared for each other in your heart. Things will get better but will never be the same - I'm OK with that because I still have to work on this grandma thing. Finally, this is not a race so moving forward (and backward) is part of the process - take as much time as you need. My sympathy and hope for healing in this journey my friend.

 

Hello DJF,
I do know what you mean. I know I loved Sofia dearly but there were a few times we had arguements about house things like a MAINS
disconnect for the electrical panel.
It was a bad thing to get into the talk because she had all these ideas about things that would not occur.

Nobody wins in an arguement and when I did, it was a very hollow victory and I felt like dog doo for days and I know Sofia did not feel good about it either.

So yes DJF, I could have been better too and my heart, it cries about those arguments.

I guess the best thing to do is know how you and I and who else reads this, see our faults and try to not let them happen at all or a lot less anyway. We had a bit of a spat on Christmas of all days about the ribs.

I was wrong for not trusting her judgement about her way of doing them. I never did them that way but even though they came out well, something was missing and it makes me very sad.

 

Hello DJF,
I do know what you mean. I know I loved Sofia dearly but there were a few times we had arguements about house things like a MAINS
disconnect for the electrical panel.
It was a bad thing to get into the talk because she had all these ideas about things that would not occur.

Nobody wins in an arguement and when I did, it was a very hollow victory and I felt like dog doo for days and I doubt or know Sofia
did not feel good about it either.

So yes I could have been a better husband. We had a spat on Chtistmas, of all days. . . about ribs.
Though they were great. . I was so wrong in not trusting her way of doing them and there was really something missing. It was very sad.
Probably why she never did any-
thing with some of the gifts I got her. I cry when I see now it was our last Christmas together.