I don't know if I am allowed to grieve

I lost my boyfriend of 5 years, 21 days ago. I have been counting the days hoping that time will eventually bring me healing, but instead every passing day makes it soo much harder to deal with the loss....

The truth is the relationship was toxic, we met when he was separated but 3years into the relationship he got back together with his wife. This was such a difficult time and I am not proud of it but I stayed..... the 2years that we spent together after his wife's return were very toxic and draining. I eventually gathered the strength to walk away from the relationship ......but literally a week after the break up he died. I was notified 3 days after his passing by his wife.

He tried to reach out the day before he died but I was unwilling to hear anything that he had to say
. It hurts me sooo much that I denied myself of an opportunity to say goodbye.

I don't even know if I am allowed to grieve for him, even though I loved him with all of me. The hurt is also coupled with guilt, I am very aware that I have caused additional pain for his wife and added to her grieving......

 

I am so very sorry for your loss. Of course you are allowed to grieve. Never let anyone make you believe that you are not supposed to.

He was an important part of your life. He made the decision to be with you. Your guilt is normal, no matter the situation surrounding death there will always be could have, should have, would haves.

I hope you allow yourself to grieve.