Heavy Poem (beware)

Whut up Gar my Bro. I am here doin crappy ass as usual but doing my best for Valerie and TB. TB and his GF made Christmas Cookies in honor of her. Keep the traditon alive even if she isn't... Damn I HATE Cancer so much. Music keeps me going. That and trying to be the best I can for my son. I know he hurts but won't admit it. At least I can now walk to the store! It's only 9 min away! My eyes have been fulla tears all day. I keep looking at her picture and crying... I feel so bulked up in pain and uncertainty today...

 

Gary, you are right about my being "low
maintenance". My secret is to listen to
people, talk in a quiet tone, and be able to
smile, or even laugh, like I did, today. My
young friend, N, an Army veteran, told me
that these conversations with women are
"practice" for a time when I may have a
relationship. I knew that I would probably
not see this woman & her husband again,
so I decided to speak freely, from the
heart, and this woman did too. What a
great moment, instead of wasting it on
mundane talk about the weather. You
may be right to scrub the online dating---
for now----- and get through Christmas and
New Year's Day. Your plans sound great.
As far as hearing from the 3 women you
mentioned, I'm not concerned bc of the
busy activities with their families at the
moment. I check in every morning and
most evenings. Lou

 

Deb, your moving words to Karen about
your life now, not just Christmas, is truly
inspiring to all of us. The fact that you can
be still and watch a flickering candle
flame is a serene Zen moment. I try to do
that both inside my apartment, looking
out the window at a tree, with the wind
blowing on its' leaves, and outside, when I
sit on a rock and look out to sea. A sense
of calm is so vital to our healing. We don't
always have to be DOING something, in
a failing attempt to make our grief
disappear. Lou

 

Thank you, Karen. I must say that I love
hearing from you and the other GW. It's
what GIC is all about, not just at Christmas,
New Year's Day, or sad anniversaries of
our soulmates. Lou

 

Hang on younger Brother George. I just read the chapter “you are stronger than you think” in Permission to mourn. I also read “I am no stronger than you”. I couldn’t find where Zuba says when you don’t think you can take any more pain tell yourself “I am healing”. Your love for Valerie is so beautiful George. That’s the prize. Look for “signs symbols and messages” is another great chapter in Zuba’s book. I’ll be thinking about you and Valerie all night younger brother George trying to send you peace Bro. Love you George. Gary

 

Lou,

I love!!! "We don't always have to be DOING something, in a failing attempt to make our grief disappear." When Bob first passed away, I couldn't stand being alone, especially alone in this house, the house that holds so many miserable memories..., some of the very worst moments of my entire life were spent in this house!!!, TU!!! I didn't realize it then, but now I understand that I was doing exactly the opposite of what you expressed so perfectly here. There is no way to run away from grief. It'll catch up with us no matter where we are, no matter what we are doing. Instead of running away from it, we need to embrace it, accept it, deal with it. After eight months, I'm finally able to do this. Although this will sound strange, it feels "good," to be able to do this. Calm is such a wonderful feeling... I hope this makes sense. Even though I got plenty of sleep last night, although interrupted as usual (no TMI this afternoon), MG has his grip on me, doesn't want to let go. I'm feeling emotionally and physically drained today...

Hope you're having a good day...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Gary,

Thank you for caring... I'm okay. As I said to Karen yesterday, and to Lou today, I'm finding that I need more and more alone time... Just me, a box of tissues, wrapped in my super soft, very favorite bereavement blanket, sitting on the couch, with a cup of tea, in silence... watching the flickering flame of a candle on my coffee table. I'm finally able to to stop trying to run from MG as I did when Bob first died. Now, after eight months, I'm learning to accept it, deal with it, so necessary if I'm going to be able to find any sort of happiness again. It's so strange... I'm now feeling a sense of calm, it's such a good feeling, even though I'm so over the top sad. I know it sounds like I'm contradicting myself, so I hope this makes sense.

I'm taking the advice you gave me, in what seems like such a long time ago, and the advice of some other friends, and not visiting GIC as frequently. I'm finding that I need lots of alone time, that I can finally be in this house, the one that holds some of the worst memories of my entire life!!!, TU!!! and still feel a sense of calmness... Calm feels so good!!!, TU!!!

Even though I'm not here as often as I used to be, all of TGW are in my daily prayers... I hope once I'm a bit more "glued together," I'll be able to drop by more often. I want to be able to support all of you better than I've been able to do lately, plus I want to support new members. I'm so grateful to those who were here to help me in the very beginning when it took all the courage I had to hit send on my very first message. I want to give back all the way beyond wonderful support that others have and continue to give to me.

I'm not caught up around here, so don't know how you've been doing lately, but hope that in general you've been okay. I hope you've had many reasons to LMSO... Whatever you're doing today, I hope MG gives you a break, that you're able to experience some moments of calmness...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

George,

Thank you... it feels really good hearing you say this to me. Saturday was the eight month anniversary of Bob's death. It has taken me eight months to get to this point, but now I'm feeling more hopeful that I'm eventually going to be okay, never the same, never as happy as I was before, but I"ll be okay. I'm good with this for now...

So sorry yesterday MG wouldn't leave you alone... Days like the one you had yesterday just SUCK!!!, TU!!! The more we let MG out, the more progress we're making towards doing more than just existing. Just existing totally SUCKS!!! Yesterday, although it didn't seem like it, you were doing what you need to do to move forward.

Keep on doing you!!! As I think Lou has said, someone in the support group he used to attend, said that Christmas (or any holiday, date ) is just one day. So true...

I'm not caught up around here, and my chrome book has hit super slo mo mode again. Way too frustrating, so am going to stop here, put my chrome book away. I hope today is a much better day for you, that you have at least one, but hopefully many more reasons to LMSO...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, you have helped and supported more people on this forum than you realize. You are a very compassionate person, it shows in your chapters. Now, don't get
conceited, well maybe just a bit, right! I'm joking. I'm sure Bob knew your compassion for all the years you took care of him.
Time alone I find is healing, when you mentioned your flickering candle yesterday I went into my drawers and pulled out a "real" candle and lit it until it was gone. So calming as you say.
Stay in the God's circle of light, surrounding you where ever you are, Karen Like I said earlier to Gary sounds corny, but works.

 

I meant to put my name last. Unfortunately we can't edit.

 

I have also found a new comfort in being alone, away from the 'noise'. I used to talk about my day with Jeff in the evening, he helped me put everything in perspective, not by telling me what to do but by just listening. The other day I had so many thing going on at work , I felt like I had no plan and I was feeling frazzled. I couldn't wait to get alone to figure everything out, as I sat there alone in my room, everything became clear and I realized that I still talk about my day with Jeff and he still helps me by just listening, I can feel him with me. So I guess the reason why I embrace my alone time is because that is when I feel his presence most.
Peace
Mary

 

Karen'

I feel the same way about you too!!!, even though you're more of paragraph, rather than chapters kind of person. You have a gift of being able to say a lot without getting off track, and being as wordy as I am. I wish I had this gift too... (Bob would NEVER let this get by him!!!, TU!!!) It helps me just as much, probably more, when I'm able to support GIC members... I'm glad that you find watching a candle calming like I do. (BTW, I only use the "real" thing too.) I miss sitting in front of our fireplace at "home", Bob's arms wrapped around me... Need a tissue, better get back on track... "Staying in God's circle of light," does not!!!, TU!!! sound "corny." It is wonderful advice. Thank you for sharing...

I got some difficult to accept news yesterday, news that I'm not comfortable sharing on a public site. I believe things happen for a purpose... I believe God has given me the strength to finally accept that Bob is never coming home, allowing me to feel this wonderful feeling of calm, prior to receiving this news. I'm not sure I could have handled it otherwise. I promised Bob that if he wasn't here when this news arrived, if the outcome wasn't what we wanted, I would fight it as hard as I can, for as long as I have to, until I either get the outcome we wanted, or I've exhausted every single option available to me. I know I have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. Guilt is one of those useless emotions, but I still feel like I let Bob down... I haven't been able to stop crying since yesterday. However, if anything, these tears are just making me more determined than ever, to do my very best to carry out one of Bob's final wishes.

This news, which is currently occupying way too space inside my head, feelings of overwhelming sadness surrounding the holidays, plus two very important meetings right after the holidays that I have to prepare for, and then just having to get ready for the road trip that I'm taking with my son, all of this feels so overwhelming right at this minute. Sadly, getting ready for a mini vacation with my son shouldn't feel overwhelming, but just thinking about what I want to pack, is too much right now, on top of mixed feelings, that happy mixed with sad existence that is now a way of life for all of us..., that I've had about this trip from the beginning. (This has got to be one of my longest run on sentences!!!, TU!!!)

Stopping here, because I'm feeling like I could just keep right on going, outlasting even that Energizer Bunny... (Another sentence that would NEVER get past Bob!!!, TU!!!) I raked leaves again this morning, and want to take a walk. It's a nice day even though Mother Nature can't seem to make up her mind whether or not the sun should be out. I need to get some more fresh air, a bit of exercise, then spend tonight, once again, wrapped in my very favorite blanket, sitting on the couch, with a cup of herbal tea, watching the flame flickering on a candle..., a box of tissues nearby, alone..., in silence. Tomorrow I have to make a decision about the news I received yesterday, and am going to meet with a friend to discuss this. I need to bring this feeling of calmness with me when I meet with my friend.

So, long story short, (or shorter than I could have made it), I'll probably will be mostly MIA until after Christmas. I will drop by when I can. As always, everyone is in my daily prayers...

Sending you and Rambo lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Mary,

Just like you feel Jeff's presence the most when you're alone, I feel Bob's presence the most when I'm alone too, surrounded by silence. Like you, I talk to Bob frequently. I know he is watching over me, the way Jeff is watching over you... It is comforting, but at the same time, so bittersweet...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, you had me crying just now. It doesn't
take much these days. I agreed with Karen
that today's Center for Loss quotation hit
me, & made me cry, after my recent
hugging dreams about Linda. You are
right that you & I compete in our memoir
writing, whereas Karen has a gift for packing a lot of wisdom & emotion into
one or two paragraphs. Lou

 

Lou, you always have the perfect compliment for each one of us. Thank you for being so perspective. This one is a one liner.

 

Oh, no, Karen, now I'm sorry I called you
a wise ass just now, when you found my
"knoe" typo!! Lou

 

Not to worry, it's funny.

 

Of course, you got our or at least my curiosity up. Hoping to hear the news if you care to share. Good luck, Karen

 

I knew you could take it, Karen! I like
that George & Valerie called each other
"Smart Donkey"!! Lou