Fear, pain and despair!

Thank you so much for your kind words Lou. I am happy to have found you wonderful people so soon and appreciate all the support.

 

Wow, Deb I feel your pain too here. Thank you for your kindness.

 

DEB, I agree with Sue, who is
already a valuable member of
Grief in Common (GIC). Your
account of not being able to
open your car door, made me
cry, and think back to the time
I had to deal with Linda's ashes.
As I've told you, Karen, Gary , and other Grief Warriors, I prefer to say memorial, rather
than ashes, and keep it in a sort
of shrine on top of my bureau.
I've added items that Linda
would've liked. The first was a
small, jade elephant we bought
together. We loved elephants and saw them roam free at the
San Diego Zoo. I have the small
elephant looking at Linda's
memorial. My grief counselor
reminded me that it was
appropriate bc "an elephant
never forgets". I asked Sue if she
lived near the sea but forgot to
ask if she saw wildlife in South
Africa that we don't see. Lou

 

Lou, I can imagine how beautiful that jade elephant must be and how significant it is for you as elephants "never forget". Do you know that my C was so fascinated by these animals, he was particularly fond of them and always watched the wildlife documentaries on National Geographic, particularly the ones about elephants.

 

That's wonderful, Rose. As you
know, my spiritual side since
Linda's death , makes me believe
there are no coincidences . All
the Grief Warriors are here
to honor the memory of our
soulmates. I believe they would
love all of us, like we love them.
Lou

 

I live about 10 minutes from the beach and yes South Africa is covered in wildlife, but not lions running down the street as some may think. Although lately a few have escaped from capture and ended up close to or in the suburbs.

 

Thank you again, Sue , for
answering my questions. I'm so
glad you live near the sea. The
ocean feeds my soul, and I would find it hard not to live
near it . Others like the
mountains, or desert. I laughed
a little when you said some
people think you have lions
running down the street. I love
hearing about your life in South
Africa, like I do Rose's in Italy.
I know you and Rose are in
different time zones, and I enjoy
reading your posts when I wake
up in the morning. Lou

 

Hi, everyone are evenings also hard for you? It is so hard for me especially since Dave passed away at night. I get real anxious and now I am living alone except for dogs and cat and all sounds are amplified. Are people on here corresponding to each other via email by any chance? Saw it on another site and thought that may help support each other.

 

Sue, just saw your post (almost 2:30 in the afternoon here) about your evening sadness, loneliness, and sensitivity to
noise . I had all that when Linda
died 4 & a half yrs ago. I was also
not sleeping well & drinking too
much, until my grief counselor
suggested I stop, which I did.
I feel better physically and
mentally, but like everyone here,
my emotions can change even on the same day. Now, my
grief over Linda is strongest in
the morning , bc I would bring
her coffee & breakfast to her in
the living room, while she was
watching TV. When we were
first married, Linda cooked for
me, or we ate out. When she
became sedentary, I did the
cooking ( not as good), or did take out. To counter my sadness
in the morning, I play music on
my phone, like Sinatra's That's
Life, push myself out the door, and I feel better. You can have
private emails, which I do, with
other members. Type "Start a
Conversation",address it to the
person's user name, and check
off locked box for privacy. My
user name, for example, is
Van Gogh. Not only can I email
with a few people here, but I can
also text, call on phone ( not as
often), and exchange addresses.
I'm sure other members, besides
me , would like to hear from you! Lou

 

Rose, It was very difficult and so many emotions. Emotions going in every direction but the time I just tried to treat it like any other day I had such a difficult time I felt worse. Just like you need to get through these days by treating them as ordinary days I need to celebrate Ron and our wonderful life together. We're all different in what helps us through. What’s strange for me is that there are some things I just can’t do because I become so emotional. This trip my daughter and I went on, Ron always took the auto ferry across to CT. We’d pack a cooler with breakfast lunch or dinner whichever we would be crossing during and make it a special time. I’d go on board and get us a nice table and it was such a nice time. My daughter asked if I wanted to take the ferry. I started crying immediately. I can’t take the ferry. I just can’t. But somehow I can go visit places we always enjoyed. Not all, some places I just can’t go without Ron. But I can’t give you a reason why some places I can go and other places I can’t even talk about. We took selfies in front of the elephants and giraffes like I did with Ron. How I did that I don’t know. I’m lucky my daughter understands and doesn’t push me. You’re right though, all those precious memories are here to stay. As if they’re etched in my brain. They make me happy and feel lucky I had such a wonderful life with Ron. Yet sad we’re not making new special memories.

I’m so sorry you have so many dates coming up one right after another. You’ll face them in whatever way feels ok to you. As the time gets closer it will be obvious. I tried treating these days like every other day and I’ve done special things always with Ron in mind. I need to do something in his memory. But that’s me.

I’m sorry you’re still going through such a rainy time, it’s been quite a while. I had rain today, first rain in a long time. And recently I had an air quality alert that caused the air, sky and even the sun have an orange hue to it. It was caused by fires in Canada. Our air is better but still not like it should be but safe to be outside now. Fires are still going but the wind is taking the smoke in another direction. I’m praying you get sunny days soon. It’s hard having so many rainy days in a row. You need to see and feel the sun and see blue skies. Robin

 

Robin, thank you for your kind words. It's so comforting for me when I get up, usually very early, checking in to GIC and finding your posts. I saw images of that terrible smoke, I thought about you, and I'm glad it's easing off now and I hope everyone's ok in Canada too.

You are all my empathetic friends that I don't have right now in my life. I find that people avoid mentioning my husband's name, they change the subject if I start talking about him, I hate that they think he is a part of my past, saying:"these things shouldn't happen, but they do", "we have to accept what destiny sends us", etc, etc. There are some emotions I go through that I just can't tell my kids, it would hurt them too much, they have their own lives to get on with, enjoy themselves, like we all did at their age. So I'm so grateful I can share with you all, my feelings, like telling you now that after two and a half years, I still have that scene continuously in my mind, of his final moments, still tormenting myself that he could have been saved if only we'd realised what was happening sooner. I know Lou has said before that at first he had these images fixed in his mind of Linda's final moments and had to see a counselor to help him get through this. Grief counsellers, grief support groups and online grief communities don't exist over here in our part of the country, they may have them in larger cities and towns, I don't know. One thing's for sure, this Roman Catholic culture doesn’t seem to allow "talking about your grief" to others, you just have to keep your feelings to yourself and mourn quietly. Total isolation and loneliness. It's ironic, because Italians are usually seen by other cultures as warm, friendly, affectionate people, but not when you're grieving they aren't! There seems to be some kind of censorship, "keep those feelings to yourself, put on a brave face and get on with it". The only comfort most people seek is in religion, going to church, praying, but what if one feels angry at God, disappointed, what do you do then?

Anyway, on a more positive note, I have asked my son and daughter if they are interested in attending an open-air concert of a famous singer/songwriter/guitarist (one of my C's all time favorites) on the 4th July (yes, by coincidence, your Independence Day). This is a giant step for me, it's the first time I have a desire to "do something" like this, they said yes, so we are going to book three tickets. I am determined to go even if I have to sit there in a raincoat and umbrella! My C will love it.

Hugs to everyone.
Rose

 

Hi Suretha, even though we live in different countries (I'm in Italy), we are both in the same Time Zone. It's 7.30am now and I've been up for more than an hour. I don't sleep much and I'm often already awake at 5am,so if by chance you are online now, I am here for you. In the evenings, I'm often alone too, I watch TV series/films on Prime to keep my mind occupied, my kids are in their twenties, and especially now in Summer, they are often out with their friends. Like Lou has said, you can also click on "Start a conversation" on our profiles and talk privately, even if you just want to say "Hi", it's good to speak to others who empathise totally and relate completely to how you're feeling.
Sending a hug to you.
Rose.

 

Oh, wow, Rose, just woke up and
was happy to see your long and
moving reply to Robin. I was
touched that you mentioned that
I got help from a grief counselor
for my PTSD, and tremendous
guilt that I didn't do enough to
"save" Linda. As Tom Zuba says
in his book, Permission to
Mourn, it was Linda's time to
"go home". I've stopped going to
a grief counselor, but I did join
a widowed persons support
group, which meets every other
week. I quit it 4 & a half years
ago after Linda died, bc I wasn't
ready, and I didn't like being the
only man in the group. I recently
joined again, bc 2 of my older
male friends are there. I know
some of the women from before,
and there are a lot of new ones.
I do think of Italian people as
warm, so I'm sad to hear that
you don't have the emotional
support you need. Thank God
you have us, and we have you!
That's great about your July 4th
event, and I'm proud of you for
attending, despite the most
likely rain. Endless rain would
make me depressed as well, as
it does Robin, DEB, and others.
We are edging toward summer,
and the Fourth of July always
seems to be on a hot , sunny
day. I love July , August, and
September, both for the cheerful, warm weather, and meeting tourists from around
the country and around the
world, including Italians. Locally, my favorite Italians
are my young female barber,
who just had a baby, and my
pedicurist, also young , and
mother of 2. I went to her after
I fell, and it's a real pleasure to
put my feet in a warm whirlpool.
When I first met them, it was
during COVID, and we had to
wear masks. It's good to see their
warm smiles now, and we have a lot of laughs. BTW, will you say the name of the famous singer/
songwriter/ artist? It's OK if you'd rather not. Lou Travolta

 

Rose, I have great news. I reached out to Sue privately by
email, and she responded early
this morning! I just replied back,
and it's a wonderful feeling for
both of us, bc there's so much
more to say privately. For example, I have to see a specialist, today, in fact, for an
unexpected, scary medical
issue, which I mentioned on
GIC. I'm more comfortable
saying what it is, privately, like
I do with you, DEB, Gary, Karen,
and George. "Talk" later, Rose.
Have to get ready bc my friend
is driving me out of town to see
the doctor. The good part is that
my friend and I make each other
laugh, and he's taking me out to
lunch before the appointment.
So glad you & I can communicate by private
email, bc I think the GIC site's
system was down , briefly,
last night. Lou Travolta

 

Lou, his name is Fabio Concato, he is 70 yrs old and was very famous in the 70s/80s and is today loved by all generations. He has a very soft, angelic (in my opinion) voice when he sings his ballad-like songs about his real life experiences, a hint of jazz can be noticed in some of his music (son of a jazz musician). This is a video of one of his more famous songs, with an English Google translation, which may sound a bit odd literally (doesn't do it justice!) but you can get the meaning (in Italian it's very poetic). I could fix the translation a little to bring out the poetical side, but it would take me too long, I'm a bit rusty.

Wishing you all the best with your visit to the specialist.
Look forward to hearing good news from you.
Rose

 

Rose, thank you so much for
not only revealing the name of
the famous Italian singer, but
being more technologically
advanced than I am, by sending
a video of Fabio in an interview
in Italian. I love the sound of
the Italian language, and hear
it from both local Italian
Americans, as well as from
tourists from your country. I
was confused at first, bc I thought it was a younger,
different man, a model, who
went by his first name. I will
listen to his song later, after
my doctor appointment. Thank
you for your well wishes. By
sending me the music video, it
led to me seeing other music
videos. C. and Linda would be
proud, and astonished, by how
far you and I have come.
Lou T.

 

Oh wow Rose, I also have flashbacks of Dave's final moments and feel so guilty that I did not realize what was happening before it was too late. I keep on thinking I could have saved him and that he then could still be here with me.
I think all people who have not gone through what we have, try to be understanding at first but find death a morbid and difficult subject to deal with. If you have not gone through it yet you have no idea what that person is going through. I think it is just so easy for society as a whole to say think of the good times and move on...how insensitive if you don't know what you are talking about. Our soul mates were our whole world for how many years and we planned our whole future together. I hope that the stigma surrounding grief would one day change, but not holding my breath. People are too self-absorbed to really give a grieving person more than some initial support. I am so grateful to have found this group and all you wonderful people here. Thank you for accepting me. Sue

 

Sue, you made powerful
statements in your reply to
Rose, who mourns her husband,
C. I'm glad both of you are in the
same time zone, and can "talk"
with each other, while the rest
of us are sleeping. I feel honored
and pleased to email with you
on a private basis, like I do with
a few others. I think that's
important, bc occasionally
GIC has to be rebooted and we
lose contact with each other.
If anyone else wants to reach
out to you privately, I highly
recommend it. I love to hear
about your daily life in South
Africa, a place I've never been.
Lou