A boat adrift, no anchor

I lost my spouse of 45 years after 18 months of illness in December of 2021. I have lots of support from friends and family. It seems that my life has regained some sense of normalcy. I go out, meet friends and have started traveling again. But I feel so lost, as of there is no home for me anywhere in this world. That sometimes makes me feel so anxious and afraid. Do any of you feel that way and what has helped you. Thanks

 

Hello, I am sorry for the loss of your beloved soulmate, you've come to the right place here, everyone is so warm, friendly and empathetic, offering support and strength to help us through our daily struggle of adjusting to our new reality. It's been two years and five months since I lost my husband suddenly, unexpectedly, from a heart attack. He was only 57, fit and healthy, I'm still in shock, just can't believe he's gone. Even as I say these words, they don't seem true, as if I'm making it all up. We had only just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary that year. I do have my two adult children who keep me going and give me strength, other family don't really understand what I'm going through. Unless you've experienced it personally , nobody knows what it's like losing the one person you shared your whole existence with, connected to each other in mind, body and soul, fused together, then in a matter of minutes "bang", like being hit by an atomic bomb, catapulted into an unwanted, unplanned, unknown, scary future.
The answer to your question is "YES", I feel lost, like you say a boat adrift, strangely enough I feel more lonely when I'm outside amongst other people, watching the world go by, than when I am physically alone in our home. Here I can connect to my C, talk to him, ask him for suggestions, advice, tell him about my day, this is my safe, comfort place, we will always be part of each other. On the other hand, being amongst people makes me feel isolated, as if I don't belong to this world anymore. The classic feeling of "Feeling lonely in a crowd".
You've made a great achievement by starting to travel again and meeting friends, you're honoring your spouse this way, the love you shared will always be with you to comfort you and guide you along. Life is too short and beautiful to be "ignored", we need to appreciate every single moment. Going for walks in nature in Springtime is the best therapy we can get, listening to the birds singing as they greet the new season , watching trees and flowers waking up and flourishing again,feeling the warm sunshine on our faces.

Take care of yourself.
Rose

 

Thank you so much for your kind and comforting words. I’m in a somewhat better phase at the moment. But it will hit me again like a ton of bricks, no warning.