Why me and my husband

I lost my 38 year old husband suddenly a little over two months ago. People were there in the beginning and they have slowly faded. I have my family who have been incredible helpful and supportive and I appreciate all they have done and continue to do for me, but day in and day out seems to only get harder and not easier. I was alone for a long time until I met him (again, I knew him in high school). I was okay being alone and living my own life back then but then he came along and because of him I know so many neighbors and we all hav hung out all the time. Even they have started to fade. Or maybe I am just withdrawing because it’s hard seeing them happy and healthy when I have lost him. Any advice or questions are very much welcome. Thank you if you have taken the time to read a little about me.

 

Hi Julie. I lost my husband suddenly just a month ago. I know what you mean about people fading away. It's only been a month and it seems the support group is getting smaller and smaller each day. I keep trying to tell myself that it has to get harder before it'll get better, but I'm not believing myself. My problem is seeing marriages that are not happy and healthy. I see so many people that feel trapped in a marriage and don't know how to get out and here I am trying to figure out how to survive without my husband.

 

Carol, I’m so sorry to hear about your husband! How long had y’all been married? To be honest my relationship with my husband was one of the “not good” ones but I really wanted to make it work so I stayed. I think he did the same. It doesn’t make it any easier to see the people around you that are happy or unhappy getting to keep their spouse when you are mourning your own.

 

Thank you Julie. We would be celebrating our 25th anniversary in October. Our marriage had a rocky beginning but we stuck together and developed into one of those 50 something year olds that held hands when we went places and made everyone envious of our relationship. I think you're right, being alone in a word of couples, happy or not happy, is one of the toughest parts.

 

I’m so sorry to hear that. Do you mind me asking how he passed? Also if you have any tips on coping I am all ears. I met my husband in high school and then we reconnected 8 years ago and were married for about 5 before he passed.

 

He was in an auto wreck. Someone ran a stop sign and his truck flipped a few times. I wish I had tips on coping. So far I've been using the avoidance technique, working as much as I can and trying not to be alone. It's not working very well for me though. I think joining this board has really been my first attempt to deal with the loss.

 

Do you mind if I ask how your husband passed?

 

I agree with you. I started out with the avoidance and keeping busy but now that people have started fading away I’m left alone, and as much as like alone time it’s also when the sadness creeps in. That’s why I also joined, in hopes that this would offer some solace.

 

The autopsy called it a heart attack and I was with him to the end but he went in for something completely different and the next day he was coughing up blood. Diagnosis won’t change anything but I wonder if it would help me. Did the driver of the other vehicle in your husbands accident get charged with anything?

 

I thought I would be glad when people faded away. It seemed like every time I turned around someone was asking if I was okay. I finally started telling them no. I think that's when they started fading away. The quiet, alone, and dark are now my enemies.

 

I couldn’t agree more! The first two weeks I wasn’t left alone until bedtime and then they were back. It was a nice distraction but I also wanted some me time. Now I have it and I wish they were still around, at least a little.

 

He was charged with misdemeanor death by automobile. The death report said he died from "blunt forced chest trauma". I've researched this, gone to the wreck site, gone to the damaged truck. None of it makes sense to me. I don't think we'll ever be able to make it make sense when it's sudden.

 

I wish someone would crawl in my bed and just hold me. My oldest granddaughter usually sleeps with me, and that helps, but I'm tired of being the strong one that provides comfort. I want to feel safe and protected.

 

What kind of sentence did he receive? I don’t know about you but every time I look around I feel like I’m in a shrine for him. When will I be able to get rid of anything? Or everything?

 

I don't think it's gone to court yet. So far I've just been relocating things. Moving things from where he left them in the way to somewhere less in the way. I threw his underwear away and cried for an hour. The socks were easier for some reason. I can't watch tv anymore because everything reminds me of him. It was either his favorite show, or he would let me watch it because it was my favorite, or he hated it, or a scene triggers a memory or emotion.

 

I haven’t washed his pillowcase yet because it still smells like him. I understand trying to always be the supportive one. That’s what I have done from day one. It’s exhausting but with no one else understanding they can’t empathize. They can feel sad but it’s not the same.

 

I haven’t even been able to move anything. Everything that happened that first night, his clothes, the bottle of water he sipped out of, the thermometer I kept taking his temp with all still lay in the same place. I even had friends pay for a maid service the week after he died and I requested them not to touch anything. They didn’t even vacuum that side of the bed.

 

I think I did a lot before the shock wore off. I couldn't sleep so while a neighbor was here I had him move his chair from the corner of the room and slide the bed against the wall. I had his nephew move things in the yard so I could mow. I think I was trying to take control of my uncontrollable situation. I packed his shirts from his drawer to a storage box to make pillows later. Baby steps.

 

I wish I had your strength. I honestly think you are doing better than me. I still haven’t even been able to put away his clean clothes where they should go.

 

We all heal in our own ways, you'll find your strength.