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Why do some people say , "It will get better ?"

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by Kristine50, Jul 9, 2020.

  1. Kristine50

    Kristine50 Member

    I don't understand why some people come to hug you and say"Oh it will get better" It never does.
    Everyday I miss my parents more and more.Its been almost 2 years that both my parents are gone and no
    It DOES NOT get better :(
     
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Afraid people who haven’t had such a loss just don’t understand the overwhelming pain that we deal with every day. I’m so sorry for the loss of your parents.
    People dont know the right thing to say so they say things they think might be helpful. Many times what they say make you feel worse. I think they’re trying to be kind and supportive.
    We all grieve in our own way and our own time. Take care of you!
     
    drea, Sweetcole, cg123 and 1 other person like this.
  3. cg123

    cg123 Well-Known Member

    Some people do not understand the depth of grief unless they have gone through it. The grief does not get better over time but you learn to live with it and try to live your life the best you can.
     
  4. Sheila512

    Sheila512 Well-Known Member

    Forgive those people. They are trying to be a comfort to you. They may not have ever experienced the kind of loss you have. Your life will go on and your new normal will include the memories you cherish. Have a peaceful journey

    Sheila
     
    Kristine50 likes this.
  5. Kristine50

    Kristine50 Member

    Thank you Sheila. So many stages of grief on this journey.It is like a roller coaster.
     
  6. edj9

    edj9 Well-Known Member

    Kristine, my heart goes out to you. It has only been 2 years! It took me 7 years to climb out of the pit of depression after my mother died, and my throat still tightens whenever I think of her ... when she was healthy, and when she got sick, and the way she died. Two years is not enough time to judge whether it has “gotten better.” And each person heals at a different rate. And what people sometimes don’t understand is that we don’t want to hear that it will get better because that’s like erasing those who we’ve lost. We need it to hurt.
     
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  7. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Ed, You are so right. We all grieve in our own way and time. There is no time frame. And I have people thinking after I lost my husband suddenly in 2 hours to a heart attack, that I should feel better in 8 months. Together 44 years married 41, that love doesn’t switch off. Neither does the love of a parent or anyone you lose that you love.
    Not talking of our loved one or hearing it’ll get better, does feel like erasing them. That’s the last thing we want to hear or do. Recently I took my husbands name off of CD accounts, it was so hard and emotional, I keep feeling like I erased him and that hurts.
    I try to live by, it’s only been 2 years, not, it’s been 2 whole years and I’m not better. For me, today, actually tonight at 11:34 it will be 20 months since the worst night of my life. I agree, thank you, we need to hurt.
    We also need to honor our lost ones and try to move forward in our own time. They would want that.
     
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  8. edj9

    edj9 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for that. It really helps to have my emotions and thoughts reflected. Sometimes I feel invisible, because other people just don’t get it and just go about life without realizing that I’m still stuck in the nightmare. Chuck died last Dec, and I still can’t get rid of his electric wheelchair. Every time I think of donating it or selling it I just burst into uncontrollable tears.
     
  9. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    You are so welcome! And, OMG I get that, keep his wheel chair. It doesn’t hurt anyone. When I take Rons name off of accounts or think of tossing anything I feel I’m erasing part of me. We were as one. You can’t turn that off. And really don’t want to.
    I recently wrote on here about my Mom passing. And she had taken her slippers off before bed, they sat on the floor next to her bed. For some reason they gave me comfort, seeing her pretty pink slippers where she took them off sitting there. Couple days after she passed the slippers were moved. I cried like a baby. Other things got moved too. I found out through my brother that my sister was moving stuff but not to clean up or take just move. He told her she’s causing angst and she stopped. But damage was done. I actually cry as I write about it. My husbands iPad is where he left it that awful night. I can’t bring myself to move it. I can’t sit in his chair. I will when the time is right. I say keep the wheel chair as long as you need. We are stuck in a nightmare and having people understand sure feels good.
    Take care of you.
     
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  10. edj9

    edj9 Well-Known Member

    Completely identify. In the last few months before Chuck died, I had hired a helper. When I got home from the hospital after seeing him for the last time, I discovered that the helper had washed all his clothes. He was trying to be helpful, and I swallowed my upset, but I spent hours searching the house for some piece of clothing or bedding that still had his smell. Oh how I miss his smell. I’m sobbing as I type this. His smell is gone. There is no limit to the number of things that could provoke a crying fit. How can there by after decades of being with someone? But the mistake that a lot of people make is thinking that we want the things that cause us painful memories to be removed. We don’t. We WANT the pain. It’s the only thing we have left. It is EVIDENCE of how much we loved, and it’s just WRONG to want to hide or minimize that.
     
    RLC likes this.
  11. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Oh how I relate! It’s like I’m writing what you wrote. How long were you and Chuck together? I ache for you that that happened with his clothes. Yes, the helper thought they were doing the right thing. But sadly was possibly the worst thing. My own brother didn’t reach out to me for months after Ron passed. It hurt me terribly. I talked to my younger brother and said I’m hurt that my other brother doesn’t seem to care about me. My loss or my pain. He called him up and told him to call me. You know what he said, I thought you would need space and I don’t want to upset you and bring up Ron. WHAT? The last thing I need is space and no one is reminding me of my loss. I think of him every minute of every day. And love nothing more then to talk of him. He seemed surprised and said he’d be in touch more and offered to take me out to dinner when I was up to it. Well, he’s not in touch and I told him I’d love to do dinner. It’s been about a year, still waiting. But I’m not holding my breath.
    Somehow it feels if we aren’t in pain we’re letting them go. It’s all part of the healing. I don’t hide my feelings I cry when I need to but I do feel judged sometimes. And sometimes I cry if I’m asked how I’m doing, because no one asks any more. Other times if I’m asked how I’m doing I say I’m ok because I know that’s what they want to hear.
    I agree, everything can start the tears. I’ve cried in Walmart because we shopped there so often. Cried talking to the bank or even our mechanic. It is what it is.
    I have 2 children, or we have 2 children. My daughter lives close and we support each other. My son is in Florida but he reaches out to me. Those are my 2 best supports. Then my sons husband and my younger brother. I’m thankful for all of them. And they’re grieving too. My sons husband held me for hours a couple nights after Ron passed. We were all sleeping in the living room together for support. And he came over and held me. That was so wonderful. I hope you have support from people in your life. But you’ll definitely have support here on this site.
     
  12. edj9

    edj9 Well-Known Member

    Chuck and I were together for 28 years. I met him when I as 24, and now I’m 53. That’s more than half my life, and definitely most of my adult life. I’m sorry to hear about your brother. Some people deal very badly with emotions, and just end up avoiding because they just don’t know what to say or do. But it sounds like your sons are stepping up! I’m glad for you. I withdrew from my social circles when Chuck’s health started to decline. I’m an introvert, and discovered that putting up a facade of being OK in front of other people, while I was actually panicking inside, was draining me of the energy I needed to take care of Chuck’s medical needs, even though I kind of knew that if/when Chuck left me, I would have to grieve alone. Fortunately, I have a good therapist, and have found some good grief groups, and this site.
     
  13. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you, when I see that brother he’s so caring, but I see him rarely even though he lives 5 minutes away. He can make me cry because he’s so caring but then thinks I cry too much. I cry with him because no one asks how I’m doing any more, and he does.
    So, you were with Chuck more then half your life. But it’s never long enough. Ron and I were together 44 years, I feel my left side is gone. I made a memorial garden in Ron honor and in it I have a stone that says, Forever wouldn’t be long enough. That’s so true.
    Ron and I were together 24/7, owned and ran a business together, that I had to empty and close. That was unbearable. We didn’t want others in our lives, we loved just us being together, except our children, it was always just us. But life is lonely when your other half is gone. I’m lucky my daughter lives close.
    I understand putting on a facade, also how draining that is. And now suffering our losses, grieving is draining and again acting to some, like were ok because that’s what they want to hear. We each knew losing one of us the other would be devastated, but nothing prepares you for this.
    I’m so thankful for this site, everyone knows the pain and although I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, it’s good to have a place to come and there’s no judging, but lots of compassion.
     
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  14. edj9

    edj9 Well-Known Member

    I hear you. But though I’m so lonely, in ways I’m relieved that Chuck went first. I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving him behind, especially with his health problems. I’m still healthy and can tough this out. He would be helpless and despondent. I’m hurting, but I’d rather it be me than him. And I got to send him off. That’s a privilege that not everybody gets.

    I’m a little worried that we’re hijacking this thread, so this is the last I’ll post on this, but we could start another thread, or move to PMs to continue.
     
  15. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    What a loving and caring thing to say. In my case, I believe I’m the weaker one, but I’m pushing through. I do wonder how Ron would be without me. He would be suffering.
    I’m a bit surprised no one joined in, but that happens sometimes though.
    Have a good evening.
     
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  16. Kristine50

    Kristine50 Member

    Thank You edjp. I am very sorry for your loss . Your kind words help me feel "normal" if that makes sense :(
     
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  17. edj9

    edj9 Well-Known Member

    It does. It’s completely normal to feel devastated and be discombobulated and inconsolable and anxious and angry and all the other very natural human emotions. In fact, don’t be surprised if you suddenly find yourself able to belly laugh and then in the blink of an eye switch to racking sobs. That happened to me. Grief is a rollercoaster ... unfortunately, a rather long one. The only solace we can get from that is that there are a lot of other people on the same ride. It’s ok to be not ok.
     
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  18. Kristine50

    Kristine50 Member

    Yes a ride I wanna get off sometimes.The uphill of it is. ALL the happy times then bad times with my parents.My mom was my best friend.My Dad was my Superman.The downfalls.I never get to talk to my Mom everyday , more than just talk one time a day.She and I always talked and if it was 15 minutes, then it was too long, one of us would call.My Dad's hugs...He always gave the best hugs that chase tear or fear away from me. Life is not fair sometimes.I miss them more each day. All these emotions you described just the ride I was on, about an hour ago.Yes,, it is a rollercoaster, a wave of emotions. This weird for saying, but sometimes I feel like I ride this ride alone, and nobody is "tall enough' to ride this ride. I know that death happens every second, but alot of times I feel like I am solo.This is why I am here.
     
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  19. edj9

    edj9 Well-Known Member

    It is healthy for you to cry. It may not feel good, but when you cry, toxins are passed out with the tears, and your body releases hormones to help you cope and heal. That’s why you often feel better after a good cry. Keeping your tears in prevents these natural processes and is literally unhealthy. So, no, getting off the rollercoaster is not advisable. The only way is through.

    Loosing both parents so close together must have been, and must continue to be a tremendous blow. Our parents play a monumental role in our psyches. I was never close to my dad, but was to my mom, and after she died, I didn’t even know who I was anymore. It took a very long time for me to learn to be my own person. I lost one of the only people that I could turn to for unquestioning emotional support. My husband and I were very close, but there were emotional issues stemming from childhood that I probably subconsciously relied on my relationship with my mother to deal with. Once she was gone, it was like being cast adrift in the middle of the ocean.

    Reaching out and connecting with people who are going through the same or similar can lend you strength. Voicing your grief is a good way to access it and trigger the tears, which, as I said earlier, are healthy and natural. It’s not fun, or pleasant, or comforting. It’s not supposed to be. Grief is a grind. It’s hard, torturous work, that only the grieving can subjectively do. But in between the crying, you’ll find that, gradually, eventually, you will be able to enjoy life again. Probably only briefly or rarely at first, but with practice (and yeah, you have to make the decision to allow yourself so slip up and be happy) these little pin-points of light will grow.

    Start small. Learn to smile before you full-on laugh. Don’t aim for euphoria from the get go. Get a piece of chocolate, and for just that one moment as it melts on your tongue, allow yourself to drop into the here-and-now and savor it. It’s a kindness to yourself that you deserve and need. Unless you hate chocolate, in which case, substitute the chocequivalent in your yumiverse. And then you can go back to being distraught-ugly-cry-face.
     
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  20. Kristine50

    Kristine50 Member

    I can cover the small part .I love chocolate lol. But, I do understand. I know that there are things in life nobody wants to face.And valued my Moms advice, support, comfort.So, I can relate to not knowing who I am. My ex always said that my mom played alot into our relationship,,,which is why he is an ex. My parents were always right about my bad choices even before I made them, but had to learn.As I got older I became smarter and learned.Their opinions and advice never stirred me wrong
     
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