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Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by JustLaura1969, Oct 27, 2020.

  1. JustLaura1969

    JustLaura1969 New Member

    I was married for almost 20 years. In 2018, I'd finally had enough of my husband cheating so I did the one thing I told him I wouldn't do because of my beliefs and commitment to our marriage, I told him I was divorcing him. Within 3 months our divorce was final. About a month later, I reconnected with my first boyfriend...well, my boyfriend when I was 10 years old. He was the first boy I kissed and I was the first girl he kissed. He had been married and divorced about 13 years earlier and divorced basically for the same reason I did - his wife cheated on him.
    He was the most amazing, loving man. Every day he would tell me how beautiful I was, what a good mom I am - and even when I'd have a mood, he never got upset, he'd wrap his arms around me and suddenly everything was ok. Some nights, when he was over and couldn't sleep, he'd whisper to me how much he loved me..i didn't know this until I woke up one night and heard him - about scared him silly when I said I love you too...he thought I was still asleep.

    One year and 10 months - that's all I got. In that time, he made me feel like the most wonderful woman. And about 2 weeks before he passed, he and I were talking on the phone and he said, "you are the first woman who has made me feel like the man I always wanted to be."

    The morning of September 5th, he called and we talked about plans for that evening (Saturday night was date night) and plans for the following weekend because he wanted us to get away for the weekend to celebrate his 52nd birthday which was on the 8th. I ran errands and so did he - at 4p.m. we spoke and he said he was getting ready to come over shortly.

    When he was late, I called and called but figured he was tired from working so hard all week.

    By 7:30p.m. I was told that he was gone. I had just talked to him - he was supposed to be on his way over for dinner and movie....but he wasn't coming. He was creamated and there was a memorial - and I know it's really only been a month and a half but it took me 50 years to have a man in my life that actually cherished me, loved me and respected me. I don't think lightning like that strikes twice.
  2. HW2927

    HW2927 Member

    I am so sorry for your loss - it hurts and it is awful when we have a love and want / need more time with them. Always more time. My beloved husband passed away about two months ago and all I can do is cry and pray. His passing was unexpected. The love of my life gone. It is difficult but I try to focus on being thankful for that love. That’s all I can do. Know I pray for you and that you are not alone.
    JMD likes this.
  3. JustLaura1969

    JustLaura1969 New Member

    I have been hurt by the men in my life, father, stepdad, husband - my whole life and I know how to deal with those losses - get mad; take on my life and kick ass. 1, 2, 3...but this I don't know how to move past. I tried getting mad at him for "leaving me" but each time I do, I can picture him saying or doing something to make me smile...I never could stay mad at him when he was here either. I keep telling myself that God has reasons - I mean he was in a lot of pain from arthritis and having been in construction his whole life had taken its toll...sometimes I think God needed him to become an archangel because he was ALWAYS helping and defending others, day or night. It didn't matter what time, anyone needed to talk, a ride, groceries, whatever and he was there for them. Maybe now he is able to do that for the masses. I just don't see anyway that anyone can come close to being in my life like that ever again - no matter what people try to convince me of.

    One of my very good friends lost her husband after 8 years of marriage - he was only 45. That was over 10 years ago when she was 40...she has never dated since. She works and does a lot of things with her mom and sister so she hasn't made herself a hermit but I think to spend the rest of your life without a companion..
  4. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Just laura,

    As a gender an apology for the poor to neglectful experiences. Glad you had a little time in a nourishing one but sad not enough time!! I think most all who post here come from positive experiences so the loss is acute. Felt to our core. The fidelity issues are regrettably common, sorry to say. Jealously is horrible but lack of trust is unlivable.

    So coping skills? What are your go-to feel better-coping skills? Your dude does seem a tremendous person. That giving spirit is commendable.

    Be well as we travel this discomfort.

    Paul M.
  5. KVR

    KVR Active Member

    This is such a beautiful sad story. I am sad for your loss. When we are given such a great healing gift, in whatever form, we want to hold on to it. It is like the fountain of youth such love and healing situation. Life is very imperfect, marriage is complicated and it took courage each step you describe. The gift of this relationship was to feel the experience of authentic love. Marriage is not love. It is a container that we want love to exist and grow in. That is our hope when we get married, but it is not guaranteed. It takes courage to fight for love, in the staying or the leaving, we fight for authentic love in our life. I commend you for your courage to have allowed yourself to love again and he too needed your trust and love and healing, and to know that in the end, he felt worthy and desirable, and that he left you whole again, it is so beautiful of a gift. I don't know, but some never get it once, or so I'm told. I lost my husband after 25 years of marriage, suddenly. We loved each other tremendously, and everyone said I was so lucky to have had such a man in my life. But even in that beauty we were not perfect and in the end, we see each relationship as a transformation, a necessary healing and then a letting go. I understand why you say you don't know if lightening strikes twice. It feels impossible to find such happiness. Anything and everything is possible. But now, enough of that, only I am sorry. I know you are only in the sadness now. Be well.
  6. JustLaura1969

    JustLaura1969 New Member

    I appreciate all the kind words. Bear's friends - sorry, Bear was his nickname...his friends have been a great help. We all miss him and they tell me that in the short time we were together, they saw a change in him that he was happier, taking better care of his health because he wanted to have as much time with me as he had left on this Earth. That has made it more bearable - no pun intended - because his happiness was of course important to me.

    On the plus side, having him in my life made me realize that I have put other people first in my life - on a level I never felt very important, was raised by a codepedent abusive mother then married a narcissistic man...Bear not only let me know I had value but would go further and get me to acknowledge that I knew what he was saying about me was true...meaning I needed to learn to put me first. I recently started a 12 step program for CoDa because he would want me to take care of me first and if anyone else comes into my life, he would want them to appreciate how luck they are. And THAT has made all the difference...
  7. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Just laura,

    What I appreciate about our site and the people here is the candor. All of us are at the lowest point of our personal arch of life. All floundering to just stabilize. Then perhaps to regain with ultimately a reasonable expectation of a fulfilled life. That is the hope we all share. I wish you well in your education. Some started with more hurt and holes than others. This time is what you are doing, reevaluation. We are all doing a considerable reevaluation of what happened. What was lost and why that is so painful. So perfect you are taking this time to do just that. I think also good is the contrast that your person, Bear was able to show you. How do we know otherwise our life experience if not for contrast?

    Gald you wrote as you did.

    Be well.

    Paul M. (still processing)