When everyone you know expects you to have gotten over it by now but you can not.

It has been over eight years since I lost my best friend and soul mate to a sudden death from alcoholism. What seems to have complicated everything was that we were estranged at the time due to an argument over the drinking and the regret and guilt is so overwhelming that I have not been able come to any sort of peace, healing or whatever you are suppose to achieve. I have basically become an antisocial recluse who travels constantly and has not had a normal functioning life in years. I have lost most of my friends and those I am in contact with have completely lost all patience with my eccentric lifestyle. I was treated like a fragile object at first but now I am expected to have recovered. I have not found counseling/ therapy to be helpful and if anything I feel it makes it worse. I don’t know how to get over it and be normal again like everyone expects me to be. Is it possible to fall too far down the rabbit hole to ever get out? By now I feel that I am there. Apparently grief is not something you are meant to never recover from.

 

God I hope you are wrong. The grief can debilitate us and we have to fight that. I pretend to have gotten over it. I move through life and laugh and keep busy until I am alone. About twice a week I either explode or fall apart. Then I feel better for a while. I feel actual pain when I miss my husband. I would like to be a recluse. The answer is no, you can not fall too far down to recover. You have to want to crawl out of the hole and sometimes we do not want to. We would rather curl up and give in. How does that help? It doesn't and I try and fight it. I have a sick sister to care for so I am busy. It is empty business and at the end of the day I am just as empty as when I woke up. but the alternative is worse. I have to go through the motions in he hope that it will click and I will want to continue and improve my life.

 

Shill, so sorry for your loss. I do understand
I was totally lost in the beginning, then I gradually started getting involved in activities and thought I was making friends then the rug got pulled out from under me as one by ones these groups dropped me - mostly I do not understand why but it left a big hole in my heart and life, because I had begun to have a purpose again, and felt a part of things and even needed. Now I am back to nothing. No family in the area, I have a couple of phone friends here but especially with covid there is no thought of getting together.
I hope this isn't a hole that we can't climb out of. Sheila you are setting a good example for us, thank you.