What do you do when you're feeling lonely?

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by David Hughes, Sep 26, 2019.

  1. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    I hope I am not being too forward with this thread, but I wanted to mention that dealing with the loss of my wife I forget to mention how extremely lonely it has been. Even though I live with my two sons I miss the times Nadine and I would have talking about useless stuff. I miss the times we would kiss, would hug each other in bed at night, and in short keep each other company.

    I have taken each day one at a time, filling my day with whatever I could to pass the time and make it to the end of that day till I went to bed at night. As I watch television it is amazing how many times something I see brings a memory rushing back. Sure I am overcome with pain, but I am also happy that I recall something I had forget about Nadine.

    When I was a Facebook member, I started sort of a daily entry of all the small things I could think about that happened in our lives that her own family and friends were not aware had occurred. Like the time in one day during winter she had gotten in two fender benders and just shrugged it off and continued with her day.

    I miss the calls about small things when we were apart, giving each other reminders of this or that or something we wished to do or needed done. I have a painting on the wall of Nadine, I see it each and everyday, It brings a smile, some tears and perhaps a memory of a moment in time we shared.

    Grief is such an awful thing. There is no pill you can take, no words you can hear to remove it, but as I look back and understand that all those emotions I have had for my love lost, they were not in vain, they were in loving remembrance of her.

    I will take each day slowly now, and know I am with others who are hurting just as much as I am at times, and perhaps even more so. To me, my grief has come in waves. There are good days and bad days, but now I understand that without these memories of her, time would be so hard to pass by.

    Thank for listening to a talkative man.
  2. Mimi2

    Mimi2 Member

    I know what you mean about being lonely. I have just started my day, and I am already wandering how I am going to get through it without John.
  3. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Mimi2, thank you for responding. I know this is a very tough subject. But, I look forward to any ideas on how other people are handling their loneliness.
  4. Mimi2

    Mimi2 Member

    How are you handling your loneliness. I do volunteer work, which helps. But when I am home, that is when I get so lonely. I just don't know how to deal with it.
  5. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    My arthritis keeps me mostly indoors, so I am doing various things. Notice the two threads Good in the World Part 1 and Part 2, I created that and so search for articles to help cheer myself and others up each and every day (done it for 20 days now).

    I add music to them posts because so many people like music. I strive to show people, those who read those posts and view the videos that all is not lost on life and humanity - that we are basically good at heart.

    I call my brother every day (whose wife died of cancer and his first father was KIA on D-Day) and talk to him about so many things I have done during the day, videos I have seen and hope it helps him. Then I call my sister every day who is taking care of another and try to cheer her up and tell of the new items I have posted and hope to cheer her up as well, while at the same time cheering myself up.

    When I am done with those calls, I search YouTube videos for my posts and of course music. I am amazed at how extensive their library of knowledge is, as I have yet to find a subject they have not got a video about. I also have an online video game I have played for years where there are many members in our guild who you can interact with, but not about my loss as that would be a big turnoff I am sure.

    So my daytime is filled with no free time. However, this is where it starts to get lonely the most. As all my daily activity winds down I am then realizing the night is approaching and Nadine will no longer be by my side. To me that is the bridge I am not yet able to make it across. You could say I am beside myself alone at night. I do pray to God and talk to Nadine.

    I would never do anything to myself as I am a strong Roman Catholic. Besides I know my sons think of their mother all the time. So at this stage in my life nighttime is my biggest enemy. The longer I am awake, the longer the loneliness sets in. So this is why I ask others how they deal with their nighttime.
  6. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Ok the more I look at how I ended this I wish to straighten something. When I say I am unable to cross that bridge as my last obstacle to healing, I am not referring to having intercourse.

    I am talking about as dark approaches and everything around you quiets down, there you are alone, not yet sleepy, and you might look around, see an empty room, perhaps a picture of the one you loved, or a ring in a glass case that once was on your lovers fingers. Those are the times that life crawls. Thoughts race of how badly you miss her, and maybe why her and not you.

    Those are the times I am speaking of, where until I put my head on my pillow and sleep I will have so many thoughts, of the echo in the room, the absence of her voice. I am not sure I will ever cross that bridge. So that is the what I mean when I say, have you found a way to overcome this yet?
  7. Jennienglish101

    Jennienglish101 New Member

    Hello, after two and a half years battling cancer, my husband passed away last September 9th, exactly one month before his 45th birthday. The pain of losing him is sometimes so incredible it literally hurts. Keeping busy during weekdays helps but weekends and holidays are tough because I miss him so much, especially since I haven’t got any immediate family nearby. So I rely on friends and in-laws and chatting online with my siblings overseas.
  8. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Jennienglish101, so very sorry for your own loss of your husband. Cancer, what can you say, nothing good, except for those who have overcome it. For those who have not and pass on, the loss of our loved one is just so darn unfair.

    When Nadine, finally passed I was full of emotion, never really knowing what life would bring forward on down the line, day after day. The holidays, birthdays, truly sometimes feel like needles sticking into me. I remember, in a mess hall in Vietnam on Thanksgiving, my meal in front of me, and I just sat there alone at the table, wondering what the heck.

    I missed everyone at home, dad who would later die of lung cancer, mom who died of stomach flu and on and on it went as a family member passed. That loneliness that we all feel, I don't care how strong you think you are as a person, gets to you. The line 'absence make the heart grow stronger and love even more' in some ways rings true, but when those loved ones are no longer with us, answers are hard to come by.

    You might see or hear something, either on tv, or a person, that just seems to shake you to the core. You wonder why. Why am I so damn fragile, but of course it is all too obvious, the ones we shared our lives with is missing, we have that hole in our heart, mind and soul that just makes us all lose it at times. Even though Nadine died over 4 years ago, nights are still my enemy.

    Talking to others, family, friends and looking online for answers helps some. But there is no map for us, we have to each reach out, ask for help, and listen to others who share sorrow in some way.

    I use to think that just because another here on this site or elsewhere, hadn't lost a spouse they couldn't understand what my loss was truly like. Let's be frank. Loss is loss, pain is pain, and tears are tears, no matter who we feel so much for. So when you see another person who is suffering, try to extend a hand, an encouraging word, or just spend a moment of your time with them. It doesn't have to be in person, it can be here on this site.

    Please take care. Don't ever give up on yourself, and I promise I won't to myself as well.
    Brendameister likes this.
  9. Jennienglish101

    Jennienglish101 New Member

    You’re right. Each of us suffers our loss differently because each of us went through different experiences but yes, pain is pain and boy does it hurt, and loss is loss that we can’t ever recuperate. And yes, talking about it helps, knowing that another person has gone through the same path, that I’m not alone even if each experience is unique.
  10. Joys714

    Joys714 New Member

    My husband died two and half years ago..we were together 40 years..He had been thru colon cancer, surgery, chemo..he wasn't feeling bad and went to the dr. the ER..no answes..he got worse and I called 911. ..He had pneumonia..after 6 days he was in ICU with more infections, sepic ..on life support..It came down to this...stay on life support.. a feeding tube and sent elswhere..He said he wouldn't want that before....So I had to sign papers to take him off life support...That memory still gets to me..To pass time I volunteer and go to church..Online games..Life now is two little dogs and grandkids..Life changes..Grief is always under the surface..One thing about volunteer work you get to spend time with other people and socialise..and feel less lonely..As we get older are list of friends gets smaller. .Take care
  11. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Jennienglish101, and Joys714, I sometimes wonder if people actually have ever met an empathic person in their lives. That person can be each one of us, it just depends on how we each handle our emotions.

    When we hurt as a person, whether from an actual wound, or from the loss of someone, or can actually feel the emotions of another, is not as important as how we approach one another. Throughout my life I have always had the ability to recognize the pain of another. I have always had a good ear so that others could use me as a sounding board.

    The one thing that an empathic person finds the most difficult to overcome is their own emotions. For even though I can feel and reach out to another, I have found it oddly amazingly hard to look myself in the eye. This has at times been a difficult process in my life.

    I would like you to consider this. How do you think a psychologist is able to bridge that gap with others, even though they haven't perhaps actually suffered the event in their own lives of the people they treat. It is not solely something you learn in a book, it also has to go to who they are as a person.

    For even though we think we all choose the path of our own lives, I would say, fate had a strong hand in that decision. You might consider the above conjecture, but I would say looking back on history is more on my side than not.
  12. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Joys714, I am so sorry for your loss of your husband. I too was married for 42 years, and went the dreadful cancer event for Nadine my wife. I saw her put on and taken off the transplant list multiple times.

    My own emotions, and Nadine's would be hope one day, and then despair the next. When the inevitable word finally came and we were faced with having to accept having no hope, I can't tell you how God awful we felt. I just know as you look at one another, into their eyes and their soul, you understand, as you hug on another that time stops for no one.

    Your own choice of having to give in must have been world shattering to you. My heart goes out to you. Just know that God is with you and will never leave your side. Life can be so fragile.

    It is great that you have so many outlets to help you feel less lonely. Sure grief is going to be with us for a long time. Please take care.