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Walking dead...

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by Shreddie, Aug 27, 2020.

  1. Shreddie

    Shreddie New Member

    Hi all, I’m new here. I would like to engage in conversations- hearing from others and their experiences. My grief is all encompassing and I feel like I can’t function and it will never change. I don’t want to live like this and see no way out ...so I entertain thoughts of ending things all of the time. I used to have a great life and I was very productive and my work was fantastic. I worked out etc etc. For 2 years I have barely been able to get out of bed every day and I really have no interest in the day ahead. I dread it and don’t want to live in it. I wake at night to the same thoughts. Anyway, I’m reaching out as I’m on the end of my rope and have no idea how to carry on. Life has left me - I’m empty and hopeless. I’ve dug deep and I find little reason to carry on. I feel like I’m alive so that others won’t have to deal with my departing. Nothing there for me. Does anyone else feel this way? How do you function each day?
     
    JoNas likes this.
  2. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    So sorry for your loss and your pain. I have been fortunate in escaping depression with this grief thing. However I have been the person my daughter turned to for support. (my husband died in October/19, her Dad). She felt there was no reason to gone on as she missed her Dad so much and why bother with so much effort when we are just gonna die too. It has taken about 6 months of meds and counselling for her to get well and see that life can be better again. Please keep reading and visiting here. Seek professional help if necessary it can really help. My husband was sick for a long time with cancer and he adopted the motto "life has changed, not ended" and he made me promise to live by those words when he was gone. East, sleep, get outside some every day and slowly it will get better.
     
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  3. I know this feeling because I’m still in early grief. I second that suggestion. I am going into therapy and I can’t suggest strongly enough that you do the same. How do I function each day? I don’t, not even remotely, so I’m reaching out for more help. I hope you find the will to do the same. If other people survive these things then we can too if we can get to the support we so desperately need.
     
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  4. LivingHope77

    LivingHope77 New Member

    Hi. My dad just passed July 29, 2020. I understand. I was doing so well. I have even found an extended family at a local church. Everything was coming together. Then covid came and my life was turned upside down. I was surrounded by support, engaged in bible studies, volunteering and even working at my church. Then my dad died. Things came to a head with my mother too. I found out she has had mental illness and that her inability to empathize has affected me my whole life. I have had to take care of my mom and when my dad got sick, instead of my mom taking care of him, I was in charge. She just caved. Not because she cared for my dad but because she was upset for herself. She is actually coping very well with my dad's death. So now I am grieving a parent who died and another parent who I'm healthier not being around. I am single and can't find things to do anymore.. because of CoVid. My church isn't even open and the bus services have been changed dramatically..so much so that often passengers have to get off one bus to get on another..and because of disorganization, miss the second bus and have to wait another hour to catch the next one..often in 95 degree celcius weather. I feel stranded and alone and purposeless. I have professional help. But I'm so numb. I used to cry freely. Now I can't let it out.
     
  5. c marie

    c marie Active Member

    Hi, Shreddie. How long ago was your loss? Try to just think of accomplishing one thing at a time for now-even it is just getting out of bed every morning. Then move onto another small step, maybe taking a walk. Your healing will have to come in very small steps-no big goals for now. Over time the heaviness and deep pain of the loss will begin to lighten a little and then not occur so often. Don't give up on yourself. You can make it through this. We care about you and want to help in any way we can.
    Chris
     
  6. Shreddie

    Shreddie New Member

    Thank you all for your replies. I haven’t been here for a while. It’s good - but terrible for all - to have contact with people who experience this horrible grief. Through all of this I have not only the loss of my family, but many of my friends, my in-laws, love and support and care of my spouse, everything And everyone has left my life. All I knew is gone. It takes everything in me to make it through the day period, and sober. I never used to drink or seek escape but I can’t bear reality. It is terrifying and awful. I want to offer support to people here and not just gripe but I’m in serious crisis. I have professional help and meds and all...it’s not really working
     
  7. Shreddie

    Shreddie New Member

    Thanks Chris, I appreciate your support
     
  8. c marie

    c marie Active Member

    It was the title of your page, 'The Walking Dead' that caught my eye. I thought: what an apt description for how we feel.
    Thank you for being honest about your feelings. I don't consider that griping. It sounds like a call for help. You sound desperate. I was desperate when we lost our 28-year-old son to suicide in Dec. 2000. It completely pulled the rug out from under me. I had a relationship with God and up until that happened, I thought I knew how life worked. You could pray to God and He took care of the problem. I had it in my mind that life worked a certain way. When we lost Shawn, one of the first thoughts that came into my mind was 'You don't know anything'. I mean anything. I had prayed and still lost my son (even though I knew Shawn was praying for God to take him out of this world which was a constant torment for him). I knew the only way to survive this was for God to carry me through this unbearable pain and grief, and to wait for Him to bring some healing. So in my mind I kept thinking over and over 'only God can help me'. At the same time I told God he must have been wrong when He said He would never give us more than we could bear. I did not see how I was going to get through this day, much less more days after it. The heaviness of it all was almost unbearable (as you already know). So I kept walking one day at a time, thinking I would never make it. I thought about suicide for myself, but I knew it was unacceptable because I did not have the tormented mind Shawn had. The grieving with me was a very slow long process-but here I am 20 years later realizing it was not God who was wrong, but it was me. He brought me out on the other side of something I thought it was impossible to bear. He kept my marriage intact through all of it. A very large percentage of marriages break up after the death of a child.
    I continue on now because I care about people like you who are hurting as bad as I was. We are walking down the same path. Not a path chosen by us, but nonetheless a path that has been chosen for us. We are here still to help each other get through what you are suffering.
    I care about you and know if you will just hold on one day at a time, you will enter a new life-one that will be bearable. One where you will care about things like your work and working out and want to live on. We want the old life back, but we don't have a choice in this. Just take small baby steps into this new life and don't expect too much out of yourself too quickly. Change will come. Just the fact that you are getting up out of bed is a big accomplishment. Hang onto hope with all your might.
    I pray God will protect you from any harm.
    Chris
     
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  9. Howlingdawg

    Howlingdawg Member

    sounds so familiar