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Unabating guilt

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by Markovna, Aug 24, 2020.

  1. Markovna

    Markovna New Member

    My father died last week. I am haunted by how meanly I treated him over the past few years. I cursed at him and called him names when he got on my nerves. I hung up on him. I didn't return his calls. I let him die lonely and in despair. I was able to speak to him on the phone a few hours before he died. I told him I was sorry for all that I had done and that I loved him for my whole life. I begged for his forgiveness. I don't know how to begin to move forward. I hate what I have done and I can never forgive myself. I don't believe I deserve forgiveness. I was a monster to him.
    Does anyone have any similar experiences in terms of guilt? How do you go on?
  2. Sheila512

    Sheila512 Well-Known Member

    No similar experience but I may be able to give you some alternatives to hating yourself. The guilt you are feeling is justified to you and maybe to others. You will always hold onto this but not to the extent of crowding out everything else. The best way to move forward is to act in a way that honors his memory. Volunteer to work somewhere that he liked. Give you time in his memory. You will have to forgive yourself for acting childish and selfish by committing acts that are NOT childish and selfish. You can make this up to you over time if it is important. The ultimate would be to volunteer in a nursing home but that may be too much to ask of yourself so soon. If you have other older or sick relatives, give them what you could not give your Dad. You can forgive yourself but it will take time. Be safe and have peace.