two steps back..

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by ainie, Feb 10, 2020.

  1. ainie

    ainie Active Member

    And here it is the 10th....(mike died technically on the 11th) but to me it is the night the 10th.... Four months! Today I'm again wracked with grief. I felt I was making some progress but this day brings it all back full force. My daughter and her family are coming for supper. I'm not sure if the busyness will help. A big part of me wants to be alone with memories.
     
  2. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    I can really relate to what you’re going through. I’ve reached that point where I thought that I was making progress (?) only to have something trigger the grief, and it all comes rushing back to overwhelm me again. None of it makes sense. We’re all on the same boat where we just have to find a way to make sense of something that makes no sense. Robin (on this site) has been my savior in this type of situation. She has helped me through some really tough times. I believe in God, and an afterlife, so that gives me solace. I believe that I will see Janet again after I’m called home and we will rejoice in our love.
     
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  3. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    I forgot to mention that I always ask myself, what would Janet want me to do? Her vote usually tips the scales.
     
  4. ainie

    ainie Active Member

    So true Bill. It doesn't make sense because it just doesn't make sense. Like I mentioned in another thread Mike, after his huge surgery in July of 2018, adopted a bible verse as his motto "Life has changed, not ended". He lived a good life for the next 15 months by holding onto that. He asked me to promise I would adopt it as my own motto after he was gone. I try.
     
  5. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    Funny that you post this, I was just telling someone this morning that I was feeling somewhat better after 2 months, not all better by any means but better. I do have a fear that the worst hasn't come yet and that another worse stage to grief is yet to come, not sure if thats possible but scares me non the less. I'd say try and enjoy your daughters visit and have the alone time after they leave, it really is a roller coaster ride !!?? Hope tomorrow is better for you....
     
  6. ainie

    ainie Active Member

    Good morning Bogman. Well I'm glad I didn't cancel dinner last night...my daughter was having a very sad day too. She and her Dad were the very best of friends. So it turned out we cried and talked and cried some more while my dear son-in-law took over serving and clean-up. We were sad but able to share and comfort each other. Still a teary day today but more peaceful than the almost frantic grief of yesterday.
     
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  7. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Today is two months, same thing here, 2 a.m., night of the 10th or just the 11th, they wanted to wait till morning to see if they could find a bleed, told me he was too unstable to do an endoscopy early evening, said the sedatives would be too much. I question if I should have pressed more? Don't know if they would have gone ahead, he had been through so much over the last few years.

    Difficult to believe I'm here without him, never pictured being here without him, seems unreal. However, I do remind myself that I'll never truly be without him, he's in my heart and soul. even though we walk alone, we're not alone. We're apart of each other, he took a part of me with him that day but also left some of himself behind in me.
     
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  8. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    Beautiful sentiments. I hope you don’t mind if I borrow your words to help me get through a period of deep depression that I have been experiencing the past few days. October 18 at 8:40 is when I lost her and I’m filled with guilt that she had to face death alone. I’m worried that she was scared, and there was no one to hold her and tell her don’t be afraid.
    AndShe was so brave, and I never wanted her to be frightened and alone. I’m haunted.
    I’m so sorry for your terrible loss.
    I’m just having a very tough time the past few days and your words moved me.

    Bill
     
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  9. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

     
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  10. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    I was with Janet, holding her hand, when she passed. What I’m haunted by is what happened next. Was she scared?
    Is she scared? Your words helped.
    Thank you.
     
  11. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Bill, by all means go right ahead. I'm glad to hear that my words helped, I truly believer we're all helping each other here by sharing our stories and our feelings. Like you, I wonder what he was feeling in those moments. I keep telling him how much I loved him, how wonderful he was, and how we all loved him, I thanked him for being in my life. I wanted my voice telling him these things to be the last things that he'd hear.

    I remember hearing those words on our wedding day, "till death do us part." and in back of my mind thinking that's not going to happen. And now, while physically parted, in my heart and spirit we will always be together. For those of us that loved like that, the bond will never be broken.
     
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  12. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    Sitting here reading these posts with tears flowing, so much love and so much heart break. I wish peace and comfort for everyone going through this terrible time. Dan
     
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  13. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    I sent Janet a text a half hour after she passed, and have texted her at least twice a day ever since. Somehow, it keeps me close to her. Kind of like a journal. We both believe in God and an afterlife, so we will be seeing each other again after I pass away and go home again. Then we’ll be together forever.
    I love her with all my ♥️ heart.
     
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  14. ainie

    ainie Active Member

     
  15. ainie

    ainie Active Member

    Sounds so similar. Mike was at 1:40 am. He too had a bleed that they were not able to treat because of other troubles. He had heart failure and breathing problems which made it impossible to have the tests needed to determine the cause of the bleed. He couldn't have transfusions because of the heart failure. Seemed each thing could have been treated but all together they simply overwhelmed him. Leaves me with questions if things could have somehow been done differently. I try to put the questions out of my mind because I know he just couldn't keep going. Just searching to understand I guess.
     
  16. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    ainie, oh so similar, my husband had CHF and in May they put in an ICD, that was supposed to be a one day hospitalization, it ended up being another extended stay, he suffered respiratory failure, he had Interstitial lung disease (ILD) so meds that helped one thing hurt the other. He did get a transfusion the afternoon of the 10th., four units of blood. Days before that they started dialysis at one hospital, continued it after his transfer to the other. We wanted him to be evaluated for a heart/lung transplant. Lots of stuff just started to happen. They couldn't keep his blood pressure up, the sedatives needed for the endoscopy were a big concern. I think once so many things start going wrong it's an uphill battle. I was told if he did code and was brought back, the extent of his brain and other organs didn't have a good prognosis. He had coded in November, they did bring him back and it's what made us do the transfer. He was intubated at the time of the transfer, they go him off the vent at the new hospital and things seemed to be getting better, well until the day before.

    Like you I kept trying to find that miracle. We all just want them by our side.
     
  17. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    As I read through these posts, I see the love, the caring hearts and sadly the hurt, we are all feeling. Ainie, I think it's great you had your daughter join you for dinner on the forth month of Mike's passing. I've done similar things with each month, yes, there's a lot crying a lot of what if's, guilt, etc but having someone there who feels the pain and the loss has helped me immensely. I'm glad you feel you did the right thing and were able to give each other some comfort. Every day is a hard day, but certain days, such as the anniversary of our loved ones passing are so difficult to get through.
    Bill, I have the same question going through my head, was Ron feeling afraid, hated he was all alone. I so wish that my voice was the last voice he heard, but he was being worked on in the emergency room and I couldn't talk to him. We always said to each other we wanted the other to continue to talk even if in a coma or unconscious, also touch and hold hands. We knew our bond would help, as I'm sure you all agree Our bonds are forever, we don't get to hold or hug our spouses now but they are with us, our bonds are all so very strong.
    I lost the love of my life over a year ago now, I hoped I would see some healing, and I suppose I do, but as you are experiencing, there's so many peaks and valleys in this new horrible life we're trying to navigate through. I'm afraid I am missing Ron more and more as time goes. Right now instead of feeling any better I'm at a very low point and just wish for his voice, for him to come home and be with me and hug me. We were one! I'm sure everyone on here is dreading Valentines Day as much as I am. How are you all thinking of getting through this day? I think I will be alone and that feels awful to think of. My daughter was with me last year, but I don't think that will happen this year, so I am feeling devastated thinking of it. Everyone is a couple.
    My thoughts and love go out to you all. as we love and honor our loved ones and try to continue on although it is such a hard road to travel. Peace to you all
     
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  18. ainie

    ainie Active Member

    As a nurse I have had the opportunity to talk to people who were resuscitated ... all who had memories of it happening said they were warm, comfortable and at peace. Some told stories of seeing/knowing where their loved ones were and wanting to let them know they weren't suffering. These conversations with patients give me comfort in that I truly feel Mike was not afraid or suffering. I am glad that I was able to be with him and holding his hand.
     
  19. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    Your experiences as a medical professional do offer hope and comfort.
    I believe in God and an afterlife, and I am certain that I will hold Janet in my arms again, this time forevermore.
    I just never wanted for her to be scared, or in pain.
    I know that I will love her forever.
    I believe that you and Mike will be together forever too.
    God Bless You

    Bill
     
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  20. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I can’t thank you enough for sharing that info. It gives me great relief. I’ve been very concerned, worrying did my husband feel afraid, or alone or was he in pain. It’s been on my mind constantly. I wish I could have been by his side holding his hand as he passed, we were as one and I just had the need to be there, I ache that I couldn’t provide that. But what you’ve been told by people who were resuscitated and shared here with us has given me some peace. I hope he was able to see I was right there across the hall with our daughter praying for him to find the strength to come back to me.
    Thank you for sharing. ❤️
     
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